To Be Loved is to Be Seen

Remus was four years old the first moment that he knew he believed in love. The moment Hope Lupin walked through the doors of St Mungos for the first time, a muggle in a world that didn’t want her, Remus saw her hands shake and could feel her heart beating against his cheek where it laid against her chest, but despite every fear she was feeling, she carried Remus in her arms, bloody and heart barely beating, to care. Remus’ life had been changed forever, but the way his mother held him, he knew he was okay. 

The next time Remus was sure he believed in love was when he was fifteen years old. A long time had passed with the only steady person in his life being his mother, while his father would often spend weeks away from home, avoiding the son he was ashamed of. Remus had been attending Hogwarts for long enough that the process of transforming each full moon should’ve been a habit, but unfortunately he wasn’t able to feel that mindlessness, as each full moon spent alone only led to pain. Pain in his bones, as they broke and reformed. Pain in his skin as his claws tore into himself. Pain when he transformed back and was reminded he was nothing more than an animal, masquerading as a human. 

Only on this full moon, when Remus woke on the torn and stained mattress in the shack, he found he didn’t feel any pain. His skin was unmarked, his throat wasn’t sore from howling for hours on end in pain. Remus had never felt this calm after a moon. A movement to his left had him jumping off of the bed, coming face to face with a large black dog. Remus backed up, nervous as most animals took Remus as a threat, but as soon as he stepped back the dog was joined by a small rat that crawled onto his back. Remus was sure he was losing his mind, until the door opened and James Potter walked in. Remus had never told James about his lycanthropy, and in that moment Remus felt his heart sink. He’d never be allowed to stay at Hogwarts now that James knew. Remus went to speak, to beg James to forget what he saw, that it wasn’t what it looked like, when suddenly the dog and mouse disappeared, and in their places were his other two best friends. With wide eyes Remus felt his jaw drop and was speechless. The four boys stared at each other until Sirius came forward. 

“We wanted to tell you Remus. We.. we figured out your secret and we wanted to tell you, but we needed to figure out how to help you first.” Next Peter stepped forward, and continued the thought. 

“You were always sick, every moon. And when we figured it out, we researched it. And we learned that animals… well… the other you won’t hurt an animal.” At that James winked and in a blink James was replaced with a large stag. Remus yelped loudly, jumping back onto the bed behind him. The stag walked forward and bowed, resting his snout on his hooves. A moment later the black dog replaced Sirius and he too bowed, exposing his neck to Remus. Peter followed, turning into the rat, laying on his back with his soft underbelly exposed. All animals expose themselves in a mark of submission, placing their safety in his hands. At that moment Remus felt the wolf inside him. He felt a connection to the animals in front of him. A bond between them, a bond marking them as his pack. Remus bent his head in a small bow in return, and felt a thrum of magic pass through all four of them. At that moment Remus marked his friends as pack, his pack as his family. And in that moment Remus knew nothing but love. He would eventually grow to let others into his pack, like Lily when she would realize on prefect rounds not even a month later that he was a werewolf, but in that moment nothing else mattered but his boys.

The next time Remus thought he believed in love, was the first and only time that love was not preceded by fear. Until that moment, every time someone showed Remus that they loved him, his first thought was one of fear. Fear that he would hurt his mom, fear that his friends would turn him in. This time, though, there was no fear in his body, nor in the boy who stood in front of him. Sirius and Remus had been very casually seeing each other for two months and three days, not that either boy was keeping track or anything. They had gone to Hogsmeade twice, had three private dorm room picnics, and had gone on countless walks around the castle, holding hands and leaving small pecks on each other's cheeks as they went. Remus, up until this one impactful day, had thought he was just another one of Sirius’ casual flings. The thought stung a little, but he would take casual with Sirius over nothing any day. Often Sirius would be found in the Library with Lily Evans and Dorcas Meadowes, occasionally joined by a smaller boy from a year above them, pouring over books and quietly studying together. Perhaps Dorcas is who he runs off to when he doesn't have time for me Remus would think, paying close attention to the beautiful girls long gorgeous locs, occasionally transformed from a deep onyx to a dark emerald green to match her Slytherin robes. Sirius had been known to date from other houses, but until this point he had avoided Slytherin.

When Remus was left waiting in the entrance to the Great Hall, the location Sirius asked him to wait before their regular walk, Remus grew anxious, then frustrated, bordering on furious. When Sirius eventually showed, he looked like a right mess. His robes were dirty, his trousers covered in flecks of some type of powder, and his hair was slightly singed on the end. Sirius looked ecstatic about something and as curious as Remus usually was, at that moment he couldn't be bothered. He turned to walk away, assuming Sirius had been pulling a prank on some first years, but Sirius turned him around quickly and pulled him towards the staircase leading down to the dungeons.

“Remus I am sorry I am late but this is very important and I need you to join me. Please.” Sirius had a look of excitement and joy on his face and Remus felt his frustration fade to just a slight annoyance, which was honestly how he often felt in Sirius’ presence anyway. Remus reluctantly followed and when the boys were standing in front of the door to one of Slughorn's least used potions rooms, Sirius stopped.

“So you know how Lily knows right? About Moony?” Sirius looked at Remus shyly and Remus just nodded confused.

“So it turns out Lily is friends with this older boy, Dam, and for his Advanced Potions project he had been assigned to work with James’ father as his mentor to create a potion. Lily and I have been helping with the research aspect, and after today, we think we have figured it out.” Sirius was radiating energy, bouncing on the balls of his feet. Remus just nodded, still confused, until Sirius grabbed his hands and opened the door, where inside Lily stood with a box of seven vials, each labeled with a date.

“The Potion is called Wolfsbane. It is a special potion that will help keep you in your body when you transform. You’ll still be there Remus. You’ll be there with us. And before you ask, we didn't tell Dam or Mr. Potter about you, we just told them I wanted the extra credit, and Lily said she wanted the practice for when it's her year.  Dam wanted to do the spell after his brother was turned, and he was more than happy for the help. Lily watched and wrote down every single step to make it, and we both learned. Remus, it's not a cure, but I think… I think it might change things for everyone, for all the werewolves.” Sirius smiled at Remus, and Lily handed Remus the box, as well as a tan notebook, which upon opening had the entire process for the potion inside.

“What is Dorcas’ role in all of this?” Remus asked, not wanting to seem jealous but unfortunately he couldn’t let that go. Lily answered with a giggle.

“Ah, Dorcas seems to have a crush on a certain blonde Gryffindor beater and she has been coming to meet up with us for advice on how to get into said blonde's good graces. Luckily the study group is a good cover for all of us. Unfortunately, it did cut into Sirius’ time to woo his boyfriend but I think the cause was worth it.” Sirius just looked up at Remus and gave him a quick kiss on his cheek before whispering in Remus’ ear. “I did really miss my boyfriend though.”

The most recent time Remus believed in love was almost five years after taking the Wolfsbane for the first time, and he found himself sitting on a sofa in the flat James and Lily rented. James was out with Sirius for the afternoon, so Lily took the chance to invite Remus over for the day. Without even hesitating he said yes, aware he missed his best friend more than he thought. After the Wolfsbane Potion Plot, as Lily described it, Remus and Lily would find themselves bonding over brewing together, then eventually sharing books and recipes, not to mention the fact that they often referred to their boyfriends as being each other's boyfriends, which always seemed to make both James and Lily crack up. 

Remus had stood to hug Lily but she just patted the sofa cushion and stuck her feet in his lap, blanket covering her almost entirely, laying almost completely horizontal on the sofa. Remus laughed and tickled Lily's feet, making her squirm away. When she had finished laughing, her face took on a nervous expression, and Remus reached out his hand.

“Hey, Lils, what's bothering you? Not that I ever mind coming and hanging out, I can just tell you're looking a bit different.” Remus could see the changes in lily almost immediately. Her face was fuller, her cheeks had a rosy glow to them, and she looked so tired.

“Is everything alright with James? I know he's my 'boyfriend's boyfriend,' but you can still tell me if he's being an ass. I can't do much but I can probably land a good punch if I try…” Lily laughed and pulled the blanket back off of her, tossing it over the back of the sofa.

“Surprise?” Lily said, pointing at her stomach that was definitely beginning to round out.

“You’re pregnant? With a little baby Prongs?” Remus couldn't remember the last time he had felt so excited. A baby for them all to love! Lily laughed and rubbed her belly.

“Or a little Vixen! It could be a girl, we don't know!” Lily had become an animagus just that last summer, only she had gone about it the legal way, and her deer animagus name had been a joint effort between Remus and Lily after making the boys watch the movie “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.”

Remus felt his cheeks hurting from smiling so much. “So is that why James is with Sirius? Off telling him that he's being replaced?”

Lily rolled her eyes fondly and grabbed a piece of paper off the table. “Actually, we wanted to both meet with you so we could ask you each a very important question…” Remus felt his eyes start to water as lily lifted up the paper, revealing the words, “Would you be my godparent?”

“Lily… What about Marlene? Or Dorcas? Or… I don't know... Your sister? Why would you pick me?” Lily rolled her eyes again, a bit less fondly than before, and got up to walk to the kitchen. Remus stayed seated on the sofa, but lily continued to speak as she ruffled through a stack of papers on the counter.

“James and I agreed to each pick three people and to put them on a sheet of paper. Three people to be godparents. But only if we agreed. If we both only put one name down the same, the baby would only have one godparent. Do you want to see what we put down?” Lily had returned carrying two pieces of paper. Remus nodded and when lily held out her hands he saw the lists.

James F Potter’s List of Godparents:

Sirius Black
Remus Lupin
Peter Pettigrew

Lily’s List of People She’d Trust if She Died to Raise the Baby:

Remus Lupin
Minerva McGonagall
Sirius Black

Remus looked up, wiping his eyes discreetly with the sleeve of his sweater.

“So Peter and Minnie didn't make the cut?” Remus asked with a wet, teary laugh.


“Peter can't even boil water, and I'm pretty sure he’ll be glad not to have the responsibility. Minerva lost on a technicality and I'm hoping to get her back on board closer to the due date. August 8th, if you were wondering.” Remus and Lily continued to drink their tea, discussing potential names and hair colors, while in a forest two towns over, a stag and a dog raced, happy and free.

The most important time Remus felt loved was today, in this moment. Remus had just walked into the waiting room of St Mungos with Sirius, Professor McGonagall already waiting. The three godparents looked at each other seriously for a moment before bursting out laughing at the situation. It was Minerva who spoke first.

“Did either of you ever expect us to be here? Lily Evans and James Potter?” Minerva said with a fond shake of her head. Sirius pretended to clutch an invisible pair of pearls at his neck.

“Why Minnie, are you saying our James isn't good enough for Lily? On this, the day of the birth of their child??” Remus rolled his eyes at the theatrics, but even he had to admit it did seem for a while that that was unlikely to happen.

“I don't know Sirius, I probably wouldn't have bet on it happening if I was a betting man.” Remus replied in defense of Minerva.

“Horace certainly owes me a few galleons..” Minerva muttered under her breath, just loud enough for the two boys to hear.”

“Oh no! Tell me you weren't betting on students?! What did he think? I bet he thought Snivellus would end up with Lils didn't he?” Sirius said with a look of disgust, Minerva shook her head.

“No, Mr. Black. In fact, Horace bet me…. What was it, twenty galleons? I think it was somewhere around twenty galleons that James Potter and your brother would end up together, after Horace insisted he found them in an interesting position after a quidditch game during the young Mr. Black’s fifth year.” Sirius stood dumbfounded with his jaw actually dropped, and Remus shook his head as if the thought of James and Regulus could be shaken out if he just shook hard enough.

Minerva and Remus noticed a nurse waving them forward, finally allowing them into the room where Lily, James, and the baby were recovering. Sirius snapped out of his shock at the movement and proceeded to run ahead of the nurse, slamming open the door, and finding James holding a little ball of blankets. Sirius was in a state of distress, as he wanted to tackle James to the ground for this new revelation, but he also would never risk the chance of hurting the little baby in his arms, or the wrath of Lily that would occur if he woke the baby. So Sirius remained calm until the baby was safely placed in Minerva’s arms, and then threw up a muffliato around the two as he screamed until his face was red and James’ face was a shade of pale Remus had never seen on the boy before. Lily cleared her throat and raised an eyebrow, clearly looking for an explanation.

“Ah, Minnie may have revealed some sensitive information about James’ previous dating history to Sirius…” Remus paused, not knowing if he was the right one to bring up James’ potential history to Lily, when she laughed.

“Ah, Regulus. I thought James had really managed to keep that one a secret for good.”

Now it was Remus’ turn to have his jaw drop, but only for a moment as the silencing spell was removed and James and Sirius, both a little worse for wear, approached the bed where Lily was laying.

“You owe me 10 galleons, Evans.” James looked pointedly at Lily who just rolled her eyes and shook his hand. Apparently more people were betting on the relationships of students than he expected. Remus frowned and turned to Minerva, who was still holding the little baby in her arms.

“Who bet against Sirius and I getting together?” Remus asked, arms crossing as he spoke. Everyone, including Sirius, laughed at Remus’ affronted tone, and then Sirius reached over and held his hand.

“Oh love, who would ever bet against us?”

Minerva chuckled and slowly moved the bundle of blankets containing Remus’ godchild into his arms, while Sirius pushed the blanket aside enough to get a good look at the baby's face.

“You’re right on that one Mr Black. It wasn't a bet on if you'd get together, but when. And that was a bet I’m proud to have won.”

As Remus felt a wave of affection through his body, he looked down at the little baby boy in his arms, and towards his family surrounding him. Remus finally was home.