James took his third shot from the bartender, downed it, and then asked for another and a beer. He wasn’t at this bar to have a nice time, he wanted to forget. To get lost in someone else for once. James smiled as the alcohol began to have the desired effect and he felt the tension in his shoulders loosen. After paying, he headed over to the table he was returning to, where his best friends sat. James returned seamlessly, no one knowing how he just done four shots before anyone else even got their first drink. Sirius and Remus were talking of going to dance and James immediately joined in, saying he’d go dance too if they did. The three boys made their way to the other side of the club where a large dance floor was full of people. James never needed to find a partner to dance with, someone always seemed to make their way over to him first.
Tonight was no exception as a taller girl with violet streaks in her hair found herself grinding against James’ lap, her hands running through her own hair and he held onto her hips. James laughed loudly, feeling free and enjoying the beat of the music running through his body. He closed his eyes and continued dancing, his mind drifting to a boy with curly black hair who had once danced with James in this same way. James would slide his hand down the boy's hip bones every time, gently rubbing over a small scar that rested just in the pocket of skin on his left hip bone, but when he found his fingers sliding down under the waistband of the jeans on his dance partner, he was only met with smooth, unmarred skin. James took a step back and shook his head, his mind telling him he needed to find someone, to find that boy. He walked towards his friends and saw Sirius dancing alone in the middle of the dance floor and raised his eyebrow, the other boy catching the sign and wiggling his fingers, gesturing for James to join him.
It was always innocent, when James and Sirius would dance, but the boys both knew how hot it looked to anyone nearby, watching these two stunning men almost cross a line. James slid his leg between Sirius’ and Sirius threw an arm over James shoulder, rocking back and forth with the beat, occasionally brushing their cheeks together, their hands running up to each other's hair, pulling their foreheads together.
James closed his eyes and just like with the girl before, he could only imagine the boy from before. The dark curls, gray eyes. The pale skin flushing under the lights. Only this time, when James opened his eyes he was confronted with those gray eyes, only maybe a shade darker. That dark hair only this time pulled back in a bun, with curls sticking to the sweat on his skin. James’ body acted on its own and he felt him pulling the boy in front of him forward and down, using his knee to rub against the other boy's cock, and pulling their faces forward in a kiss. Less than a moment later the other boy pulled back and gave James a concerned look and James felt his mind catch up to him. The boy in front of him was not Regulus, but Sirius. Sirius, Regulus’ brother. Sirius, James’ best friend. James felt his heart breaking and Sirius’ expression instantly softened and he pulled the other boy in for a hug, James' eyes filling with tears.
“You thought I was him again didn’t you?”
James could only nod, a sob stuck in his chest. Sirius patted his back and directed the other boy to their table. Remus was waiting, leaning against the table after having clearly witnessed James’ actions on the dance floor.
“He’s drunk Rem, I’m gonna get him a cab. I know, he fucked up, and you can yell in a few but he needs to be home before he does something else.” Remus nodded, looking aggravated but willing to listen. James opened his mouth to apologize but Remus just shook his head, jaw clenched tight. James knew Remus deserved to know what was going on, but he made a promise.
James could feel how alone he was, with the only person who knew of his pain being punished for keeping his secret. He could feel tears pricking at his eyes, and James pulled out his phone, quickly opening his contacts.
❤️ Regulus ❤️
020 7348 5870
James’ finger hesitated over the call button. He already knew what would happen if he called. He had called so many times, just to hear those twenty-nine words again.
Hey you’ve reached Regulus. Or, actually, you didn’t, so leave a message. Unless it’s Sirius then just text me you idiot, not everything needs to be a phone call.
James had those words memorized, imprinted in his brain, but he knew that the only reason Regulus wouldn’t answer his phone was because he couldn’t. Because he was dead. James was staring at his phone when the screen started to blur and his tears started to drop onto the glass. All of his memories swarmed to the front of his mind, out of order and fighting to free themselves from the corners he had hid them in for the last year.
The way he would spin Regulus around when he’d catch his hand in the hallway before they had started dating, just to watch the boy walk away with a flush rising up his neck. The way that flush would occupy James deepest dreams, the way his hands would reach for him out of habit after he left their bed for the last time. The moment they agreed to tell Sirius, who could tell how much it meant to be told this secret, only to lose his brother so soon after. The day James got the letter in the mail, Regulus saying good-bye just moments before finding an announcement in the paper.
Black Family Heir Missing, Presumed Dead at Nineteen. Family Unavailable for Comment.
Nineteen
Nineteen
Nineteen
James had run from his flat in central London to Grimmauld Place, slipping on the wet sidewalk and scraping up his arms, skinning his knees, but nothing could stop him from getting to Regulus. Only Regulus was gone, and the house he’d been staying in was empty. As James pulled out his spare key and headed up the stairs, he could sense the coldness already setting in. When James opened the door to Regulus’ room he would have swore he felt Regulus, right there. His presence on the bed where he would hold James, leaving kisses on his entire face to wake him up. At his desk, where he would work on his writings, watching the house across the street when he couldn’t sleep. James was certain if he just waited, Regulus would be back.
It was Sirius who found him there, three days later. He had broken down the front door, and when James didn’t answer he had gone to Regulus’ room, where James was curled in a ball, nearly catatonic. Sirius sat down and pulled James’ head into his lap. James let out a breath and a single sob. At that moment James felt Regulus’ presence leave, and felt cold. So, so cold.
James would one day find a way to move on. He’d take small steps forward, leaps back. Approach the ledge only to step back at the last moment. And one day, James would meet a girl with auburn hair, and find his heart wasn’t closed for good. He would walk down the aisle not imagining he’d find black curls and gray eyes at the end, but safety in the emerald eyes and freckles waiting for him. He would one day hold his son, and hope and pray that no harm would come to him, and be so grateful the universe gave him his family. He’d always love the boy he lost at 20, and he would still have days where he would need nothing more than to call that phone number and hear those twenty nine words, but most days he would just remember the way he felt when he was loved by the boy with silver eyes, and the flush he could elicit from the boy made of stone. But the day James Potter would die, he would not think of the boy he loved, but of the life he had made after.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Regulus Black hadn’t meant to cause anyone harm. He didn’t want to leave, he didn’t think he should have had to. But that warm night in June when he couldn’t sleep, sitting in his window sill watching the house across the street, he watched as his future went up in smoke. He watched as his parents murdered four innocent people, four men for no reason other than that they could, carrying their bodies to a waiting car to be disposed of. When Regulus went to the police he didn’t know what would happen, he just knew he needed to be brave. Unfortunately, with a family like his, Regulus would never be safe again. So Regulus Arcturus Black had to die. And Leopold Fleamont Williams was born.
Leo, as Regulus was now known as, lived a quiet life. He was in a small town in America, as his family had no ties to the states, and he tried his best to move on. James would’ve wanted him to be happy, Regu-Leo thought. Leo had made it six months before searching for James on a library computer, checking his social media. Not a single post had been made since Leo’s reported death. Leo felt his chest tense, worried something had happened to James, but upon checking Sirius’ page he saw no sign that the other boy was anything but healthy. In fact he had even caught a glimpse of him in a photo from a bar, taken on Leo’s birthday. James had looked tired, purple circles beneath his eyes, but he was alive. The caption on the photo read: Happy Birthday Reggie. I wish we could’ve celebrated together. I love you, my little lion.
Leo felt his chest tighten, struggling to remember the last time he had told his brother he loved him. Leo made a decision then, and created a fake account, and followed his brother.
Nine more months went by before Leo decided to check on his brother again. Over a year from when he left. Sirius had changed his account to private, blocking Regulus from seeing any updates. With a deep inhale, Regulus checked James and Sirius’ friends, finding one who had a public page, Peter Pettigrew. On his account were plenty of photos of Sirius, of James, of Remus. Only now, with James, was a beautiful woman with red hair and a smile so bright it seemed to affect everyone around her. In each photo with her, James looked a little better.
Leo wanted to be jealous, wanted to hurt. But really, all he ever wanted was to make James happy. And for once James was happy in the open. Leo closed the browser on the computer he was using and stood to leave. He told himself he didn’t need to come back. And he didn’t, not for five years. Not until he felt himself thinking not of the boy with messy brown hair and glasses that could never stay on his nose, but of a woman, a smile full of light, a laugh so contagious, of a girl with auburn hair.
Leo was expecting James to be married, it was a logical conclusion. He had even expected the baby boy. What he hadn’t expected to find, was the headline in the paper from the past November.
Promising Young Lawyer and Heir to Sleekeazy's Hair Care line, James Potter, and wife Lily Evans Perished in Tragic Hit and Run, Leaving Behind Young Son, Harry Potter.
Leo felt his heart shatter into pieces, the shards imbedding in every organ, with every breath the pieces pumping further and further out until his whole body was torn from the inside out. James was gone.
When Leo thought of his future, he still thought of James. He still imagined spending his last days with the other boy. He thought of his family dying out and going home. He thought that if he died, his grave would bear the potter name, despite knowing it wasn’t possible. But now, now Leo was certain there was no going back for him. He couldn’t ever see his brother, knowing he’d be a reminder of James. He’d never go back to his home, where he was certain he’d see James’ ghost haunting every room. Leo would never go back to London.
Leo never did find a way to move past the loss of his first love. He never fell in love again, and when his body was laid to rest, years down the line, his grave bore his dying wish.
Regulus Arcturus Potter
1961- 2025
In this lifetime I didn’t get to keep you.
I will find you in the next one, James.