No. 9
The Gryffindor common room was bustling with a post-game party. They had beaten Slytherin into the ground and were all celebrating like there was no tomorrow. Music was blaring from Lily’s record player. James had enchanted it to play louder than it was meant to. There was a table that was piled with whatever alcohol that people supplied for the party and then some. The energy was high. You could feel it buzzing in the warm air of the maroon room. Sirius had taken his part as host very seriously and made sure to dance with every girl that would let him get close enough, Luckily for him, that was pretty much everyone. His lips, cheeks, and neck had different shades of lipstick painted on, and his dark hair was flowing with his every movement. He and James had been drinking since they got back from the game before set-up even began. At some point in the night, James had lost his T-shirt and was happily bounding around the room via floor or table while singing along to whatever song was playing. The couch, to Remus’ dismay, was taken over, with Peter and Dorcas getting rather friendly with each other.
“Remus!” James shouted, leaning heavily on his shoulder. “I think you’re great!” James planted a friendly kiss on Remus’ cheek.
“Hi, Jamie,” Remus said with a smile. “Are you having fun?”
“I’m having the best time of my life,” James said with a stern voice that was broken with a drunken giggle at the very end. “Come dance with me!” James didn’t give Remus time to respond before dragging him into the mass of sweaty, drunk dancing people.
“I don’t dance, Jamie, you know this,” Remus said stiffly.
“Just move with the music,” James said, placing his hands on Remus’ hips and forcing him to move with the rhythm of the song playing. Remus obliged; there really was no use bargaining with a drunk James about dancing. He was flowing with the music when Sirius practically jumped onto his back.
“Moony!” Sirius shouted in his ear, his breath heavy with fire whiskey. “You’re dancing!”
“That’s true, Padfoot,” Remus replied neutrally, trying not to lean into the warmth of Sirius on his neck.
“Dance with me!” Sirius spun him around, and James headed to dance with someone else. Remus allowed whatever Sirius wanted to happen. He was sure that Sirius would not remember it in the morning. He placed his hands on Remus’ hips, and thumbs looped into the belt loops of his jeans while he moved Remus along to the music. He hadn’t been drinking enough to feel comfortable with how close Sirius was to him, but it was happily welcomed right now. Sirius bore his gray eyes at Remus while the taller boy looked anywhere, but at him, every time Remus looked at Sirius’ lipstick-covered face, his blood boiled more and more. He knew that there was no use being angry about Sirius’ ability to snog anyone he wanted to, but he wanted to be the person Sirius was snogging, not some random girl.
Sirius leaned his head on Remus’ shoulder. He could barely reach it.
“You okay, Moony?” he asked in a softer voice.
“Yeah, I’m okay, Sirius,” Remus lied. “You okay?” Sirius slowly shook his head against Remus’ shoulder, absentmindedly he ran his hands through Sirius’ soft hair. Ever since second year, it was well established amongst the marauders that only Remus was allowed to touch Sirius’ hair, he never explained why but Remus was glad he was invited.
“I’m so happy,” Sirius said quietly, his voice was rough.
“Yeah?” Remus sighed, he tried not to sound too disappointed that Sirius was so happy to be covered in different shades of different girl’s lipsticks.
“You’re so nice, Moony,” Sirius tapped to the beat of the song on Remus’ hip as they swayed to the music.
“Oh, so you’ve had enough to drink to get all sappy? Ooh, a fun night awaits you,” Remus joked. There were different levels of drunk Sirius: loud, giggly, dancing, sappy, sad, tired, and the unfortunate puking end of the night.
“I really like you, Remus,” Sirius said in a slow voice.
“You’re drunk, Sirius, you don’t know what you’re saying,” Remus pushed him off of his shoulder, already missing the feeling of him pressed against his own body.
“I do know what I’m saying,” Sirius pouted, crossing his arms over his chest. Remus
didn’t want to argue, it wouldn’t go anywhere with him in this state. He just nodded and went back to the drink table to try and subdue his yearning to have the feeling of Sirius pressed against him once more. He looked over to the couch, hoping a spot had freed up, but Peter and Dorcas were still there and did not look like they had any plans on moving soon. He took a long swig from a bottle of fire whiskey. The warm feeling filled his face and stomach.
“You alright, Lupin?” an irritated voice said next to him. He looked over to see Marlene looking in the direction of Sirius on the dance floor, who Mary now accompanied.
“Just peachy,” he said as he stared at Sirius dancing with Mary, her hands roaming all over his body. The ocean in his ears was roaring.
“Yep. Me too,” she said with a sharp voice. “I fucking hate Sirius Black.”
“I agree,” Remus sipped his drink. He knew he didn’t hate Sirius; he was in love with him and knew that nothing would ever happen; that’s the part that Remus hated. He hated seeing every girl in school fawn over him and Sirius letting it happen. He hated the smell of some girl’s perfume that clung to his shirt when he had been doing whatever he was doing after hours. He hated being in love with Sirius Black.
Marlene leaned her head against Remus’ shoulder, a deep sigh leaving her. Remus was the only person she had told about her unrequited crush on Mary. It started three years ago around the same time Remus realized that the feeling he had for Sirius was more than friendly. Remus promised not to tell anyone as long as she did the same; they were each other's secret keepers.
“Do you wanna go?” Remus asked.
“Yes, please,” she placed her own cup down on the table and followed Remus up to his dormitory. He grabbed the small metal container out from under his pillow and the two situated comfortably on the windowsill, the cold air felt refreshing on their sweaty bodies from all the heat and dancing that was happening downstairs. Marlene took her own hand-rolled joint while Remus did his, lighting it with the end of her wand and inhaling deeply.
“How much longer until the end of school?” she said hopelessly.
“No clue, but it feels too far away,” Remus replied. “You gonna be okay?” Marlene nodded slowly as she rested her head on the frame of the window. She looked tired, she hadn’t been sleeping much in the dorm lately.
“Are you going to be okay, Remus?” she tapped on his knee.
“Yeah, I always am,” he said back.
They sat in silence for a while, smoking the night away, the party still going below them. The music seeped through the crack under the door, by the drop in volume it was assumed that a lot of people had gone to bed or back to their own houses.
“I should go back, don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea,” Marlene stretched, her shoulders popping loudly. Remus followed her downstairs to the remaining members of the party. Sirius and Mary were essentially one person by the looks of them on the window bench. James was sitting upside down on the couch that Peter and Dorcas previously inhabited.
“Hey, Remus,” James said in a sing-song voice. “Where were you? I missed you.” Remus sat next to him on the couch, James made himself comfortable by laying his head on his thigh rather than the floor.
“Just hanging out with Marlene,” Remus replied, running his hands through James’ curls.
“Ooooh, Marlene?” James raised a curious eyebrow.
“Not like that, Jamie,” Remus said flatly.
“Ugh, you’re no fun. You need to let us set you up with someone,” James replied. Remus only rolled his eyes. James looked like he was ready to fall asleep right where he was. It was a learned fact that after a game, a party, and a bottle of fire whiskey, you would not be hearing from James for a whole twenty-four hours; he was likely to be asleep wherever he was last seen. They usually just left him where he was, it was better to let him sleep off whatever he drank the night before.
“And you need to sleep. We both need things we don’t want,” Remus replied as James let his eyes fall closed. Within moments his breath was steady and heavy which left Remus to be a human pillow until he was able to move James.
In the distance, he heard the door of the girl's dormitory slam loudly. He looked over to see if that was Mary who had left angrily, and he was correct; Sirius sat on the bench, rubbing aggressively at the lipstick on his mouth. There was an odd look in his eyes that Remus didn’t quite recognize: a dark storm mixed with a lost look in his mercury eyes. Carefully, Remus moved James’ head off of his leg, placed it on a pillow, and walked slowly over to the window.
“You alright, Sirius?” Remus asked softly.
“It won’t come off,” Sirius said frustratedly as he rubbed harder at his face, he was really just smearing the red and pink. Not without Remus noticing, Sirius had small tear lines that streaked through the lipstick stains.
“Do you want some help?” Remus grabbed Sirius’ wrist to catch his attention. He nodded slowly, carefully avoiding Remus’ amber eyes. He walked Sirius up to the bathroom, sitting him on the counter. He wet a washcloth and wiped carefully at Sirius’ sharp face. Sirius wasn’t swaying as much as he was earlier in the night, he must’ve stopped drinking a little while ago.
“Where did you go?” Sirius asked in a soft voice. His hand had found its way to Remus’ waist, he tried to pretend not to notice, but it made his skin tingle under his warm hand.
“Just hung out with Marlene,” Remus said as he kept cleaning Sirius’ face and neck. He carefully moved Sirius’ long hair out of the way, stalling a little before finally letting go.
“Marlene?” Sirius asked. “I didn’t know you liked her.” Something flashed in his eyes, maybe it was uncertainty. It was too fast for Remus to catch.
“No, we’re just friends,” Remus replied in a neutral voice. “So…you and Mary?”
“Nope,” Sirius said in a defeated voice, his shoulders sagging a little.
“Well, there are plenty of other girls out there that would hex someone to be with you,” Remus said as calmly as he could. Sirius didn’t say anything, instead he leaned forward to let his head lay against Remus chest and wrapped his arms around Remus.
“I’m sorry, Moony,” Sirius said. Remus pulled Sirius in close, rubbing small circles on his back. “I didn’t mean to be so…”
“Shhh, it’s okay, Padfoot,” Remus assured him. He didn’t know what Sirius was apologizing for but it was better to just comfort him than let Sirius spiral himself out of control. He let out a shaky breath against Remus’ chest and squeezed him tighter. Sirius wanted to stay just like this, no one to interrupt, no stupid girls running after him. He hadn’t told anyone, not even James, what he really thought of Remus.
“Moony?” Sirius moved his head to rest on Remus’ shoulder, his breath tickling his skin.
“What’s up, Padfoot?” Remus replied. Sirius pressed closer to Remus, his nose brushing on his neck and his nimble fingers going to Remus’ brown curls.
“Have you ever kissed anyone?” Sirius asked. Time seemed to stop, Remus didn’t know what to say to that at all. He grabbed Sirius by the chin, pushing him back a little. Sirius' gray eyes were wide and looked like they had a million things to say.
“Yeah, I have,” Remus tried to keep his voice as even as possible while Sirius looked at him like that. His chest felt so warm.
“What was it like?” Sirius brought his hand to cup Remus’ face, lightly brushing his thumb against his lip.
“You’ve been kissed before, you already know,” Remus’ breath hitched but he stood his ground. This was just drunk Sirius, he wouldn’t remember this at all tomorrow and Remus would remember it for years. His hand didn’t follow the stupid rules that Remus was listing in his head to make sure he didn’t kiss his best friend, his calloused fingers twirled into Sirius’ unruly hair causing the boy to sigh happily.
“I don’t know if I’ve ever meant it,” Sirius said in a low voice. He leaned forward ever so slightly, Remus felt his face grow warmer with the invasion of personal space that was happening.
“Sirius-” Remus started before the door of the dormitory slammed open. The two jumped apart instantly.
“Get out of the bathroom!” James yelled. He ran in and almost immediately started throwing up. Thankfully he made it to the toilet in time. Remus and Sirius left James to fight whatever drunk demons that were leaving his body in the bathroom. They went to their own beds, both very flushed from what just happened. Sirius drew the curtains around his whole bed, shutting the world out for the night. Remus did the same, he had no idea what just happened and was certain that it would never happen again unless Sirius was drunk and sad.
The next morning came too fast for anyone's liking. Sirius got up first, he barely slept the night before, he tossed and turned the whole time thinking about what the hell happened in the bathroom earlier. When he walked into the bathroom he was greeted to the site of his best friend dead asleep in the bathtub, his glasses askew and his hair messier than ever.
“Psst, Jamie,” Sirius shook him gently. James barely opened his eyes as he grumbled some complaint to Sirius.
“What?” James said sleepily.
“Get out of the bathroom,” Sirius pulled his arm to help him out of the tub. James wobbled his way to his bed and flopped down before the snoring resumed. Sirius washed his face to try and wake up his senses a little. He didn’t want to be in the dorm when Remus woke up, that was for sure. He went back to his side of the room and changed quietly into a pair of jeans and a jumper before leaving the rest of his sleeping friends.
He didn’t know where he was going but he just needed to clear his head. Sirius walked out of the castle and was welcomed with the morning chill as he walked about the dewy grounds of Hogwarts. He walked for a bit before settling himself at the Black Lake, the giant octopus was throwing stones from the bottom of the lake across the water for some entertainment. Absent-mindedly, Sirius twirled his hands in his hair, mimicking the movement of Remus’ fingers the night before. What would have happened if James hadn’t shown up, he wondered to himself. It was stupid to hope for something that could never happen.
Remus woke up to the sun peaking through a small opening of his curtains, the light shining directly on his eyes, forcing him to wake up. He could hear James and Peter snoring in their beds, Remus bet that they would stay in bed until it was time for dinner. He got up, collected some clothes from his trunk to go shower. Before he walked in he noticed Sirius’ bed was vacant and his shoes were missing. It was odd for him to be awake before noon after a night like last night but maybe he just wanted an early breakfast. Remus showered the sleep out of his body the best he could, he was exhausted from last night.
His brain ran itself in circles replaying the bathroom scene a million times and thinking what if James hadn’t shown up, what would have happened? He didn’t want to entertain those thoughts, he knew they wouldn’t ever become reality and it was silly to daydream. When he stepped out of the shower he noticed the washcloth covered in lipstick stains on the counter and his brain almost immediately replayed the night's activities. Remus tried to dry and dress quickly to try and stop his brain from going on and on about what could have happened, it was starting to give him a headache.
When Remus walked back into the room, hesitantly he grabbed the marauders map. He just wanted to check that Sirius was alright, maybe he was at the quidditch pitch with Regulus or Kinglsey. Scanning the intricate drawings he finally found Siriuis’ name tag hovering on the edge of the Black Lake. In a flash Remus grabbed his shoes and a coat and walked quickly to find Sirius; he had no idea what he was going to say to him or if Sirius was going to say anything to him. Were they just going to forget that it ever happened? Was Sirius going to start ignoring Remus? A million of similar thoughts paraded themselves around Remus’ tired brain as he trudged through the wet grass to find Sirius standing at the edge of the Black Lake, his hands shoved in his jacket pockets to hide them from the cold air.
“Hey,” Sirius turned around to the sound of Remus walking up.
“Hi,” Remus breathed. Their eyes met, Sirius tore his gaze away quickly, focussing back on the water as if it was the most interesting thing in the world.
“Sorry about last night, Remus,” Sirius said in a nonchalant voice, as if he were trying to quickly brush it aside.
“Oh, yeah. Umm…it’s fine. You were drunk,” Remus replied, feeling defeated. He didn’t want to stay here and feel as if he were trying to win Sirius back, if it was just a drunken mistake then that is what it will always be. Nothing more. Remus started to walk back towards the castle but Sirius grabbed his wrist and pulled him close.
“I wasn’t that drunk,” Sirius looked at his feet when he said this, sounding almost shameful.
“What?” Remus said, almost laughing. Sirius reached his hand up to Remus’ shoulder, his face reddening.
“I do like you, Remus,” Sirius said softly. “Just…I knew that you didn’t really like me back in that way. So…I just kept going with any girl who wanted me because it was easier if I did that than talk to you about it because I knew it would end badly. And I didn’t want to ruin the friendship that we have because you are my best friend, Moony, and I don’t want to lose you.” Sirius finished his quick ramble when Remus put his hand softly on his face, running his thumb over his sharp cheekbone.
“You like me?” Remus said in a low voice. Sirius finally met his eyes and nodded a little, his nerves making him frown deeply. Remus pulled him in for a hug, wrapping his arms around the smaller boy and resting his chin in Sirius’ hair. He pressed a firm kiss to the top of Sirius’ head, a smile spreading across his face.
“Moony?” Sirius said into Remus’ shoulder. Remus pulled Sirius' face in and planted a soft kiss on his chilled lips. Sirius smiled into the kiss, leaning in and deepening the touch. The two parted after a long moment, resting their foreheads together.
“I like you so much, Sirius,” Remus said softly, a laugh pulling at his words.
END