The Lux

I’d forgotten the feeling you get when you’re out with your friends. The feeling that nothing could be better than this, listening to your mates play good music, slightly buzzed and lying on top of a stranger. Wait, what? I stand up straight and turn around. Oh, it’s just James. He’s technically not a stranger, not anymore. He’s leaning on side, his head tilted where mine would’ve just been, but he’s not looking at me. In fact I don’t think he even noticed me move. He’s staring at something on the other side of the room, but I can’t see what or who. I observe him silently, trying to figure out the look on his face, whatever he’s looking at must be interesting because he doesn’t to notice Remus and Sirius walking up to us.
“Hey, James. Hey, Lily, having fun?” Sirius wiggles his eyebrows, implying that we hit off, or something of the sorts. I’m not sure we were even talking before I zoned back in. Sirius’ voice snaps James out of his trance, “Yeah, definitely!” A little too jazzed, which makes me wonder if he really heard him, “Remus, you were far out.” Remus gives him a questioning look, also unconvinced he was paying attention. James doesn’t seem to pick up on it, and neither does Sirius. “They were so cool! I think I should learn to play the guitar,” He exclaims. He turns to Remus, “You’ll teach me, right Moony?” Remus rolls his eyes and smiles, finding Sirius’ weirdly enthusiastic behaviour amusing,“Sure.”
I stare at them, then glance back to James, who’s expression hasn’t changed at all. “Am I the only one who doesn’t know what a ‘Moony’ is?” Sirius barks out a laugh, so whatever it is must be funny. Remus grimaces, “I don’t want to talk about it.” Okay, strange. Sirius seems to be okay with this, but is still laughing, James as well. The pair are holding onto each for strength, like they’d fall over without the other. You’d be surprised that they had only met an hour ago, they were so friendly with each other already. But I suppose they had heard about one another from Remus, or maybe spoken over the phone. Before I got the chance to ask any more about ‘Moony’, Marlene pops up out of nowhere. She has a tendency to creep up on you. Maybe those aren’t the right words; she has a tendency to suddenly appear behind you, loudly and dramatically. That’s better. Her hair is yet again a mess, the result of shaking her head around too much while dancing, though I realise, looking into the mirror behind the bar, that mine isn’t much better. She’s clinging onto a short, blonde girl’s arm, who looks like she’d just been dragged by Marlene from wherever they were before, to here. Poor girl. “This is Pandora!” Marlene slurs, excited to introduce us. Pandora smiles softly at us, “Hi.” I smile back at her, “Hi, Pandora. I think it’s time for Marlene to go home.” Marlene looks horrified at the thought, “But Pandora just got here!” She cries. Sirius laughs at her, “Jesus, it’s only 11. You can’t be blitzed already.” She looks a bit offended at this, as if she’s not flailing about in our faces. “Sorry Pandora.” I say. “ It’s fine,” She laughs, “Bye, Marlene.” And leaves us to deal with her.
Sirius and I grab a hold of Marlene’s arms, not just to steady her, but to make sure she doesn’t run away. She can be quite childish when she’s drunk, or sad. I suspect it’s both tonight, though I haven’t asked her yet. I will if she sobers up later on. Remus and Sirius are talking about something, likely the music playing, which I tune out. James is taking quick, frequent, glances to where Pandora walked away. He’s not being very subtle about it. Could she have been what he was staring at? He was a bit quiet when she was here.
I snap out of it, realising it’s not any of my business and focus back on Marlene. “Come on, Marlene,” I gently lift her side of off Sirius, “Time to go.” She’s less reluctant this time, and allows me to guide her away. Sirius and Remus say their goodbyes to her, finishing whatever conversation they were having. James hugs me to the side. Oh, he’s a hugger, unsuprising. “Nice meeting you, Lily.” He grins, “You too, Marlene.” I offer him and Remus a smile back, “Yeah, nice meeting you both. See you tomorrow, Sirius.”
I push my way through the crowd, bumping into strangers as I move. I wonder what kind of day they’re having. It’s funny to think about, that there are billions of people out there. Some are having the worst day of their lives, some are having their best. And then there’s people like me, forever stuck in between making an effort to improve their life and doing nothing at all, hoping that one day all the answers will magically appear in front of them.
“Are you leaving?” I look up, Mary is standing in front of me, arms crossed. Her hair is no longer pushed back and her lipstick has darkened, now a deep red. I hadn’t noticed earlier that she’d changed it. It’s nice. Really nice. I should ask her where she got it. “Lily? Are you?” I look back up at her, trying to remember what she asked. “Oh, yeah. Sorry. Yes. We’re leaving now,” My words jumble together. Mary raises an eyebrow, “Okay. I’m coming with you.” She glances at Marlene, “Is she okay?” “ I don’t know,” I answer, not bothering to look back at her. “Well. Let’s go, then.”

The walk back to the apartments is slow. Marlene is half asleep, resting her head on Mary’s shoulder while I hold her back up straight. The uneven cobblestone is rocking her head softly up and down, but Mary doesn’t appear to be annoyed by it. I examine her, I hadn’t talked to her much tonight. I had meant to, I do want to talk to her, I just didn’t get the chance to. I can’t remember what I was doing, talking to James and Sirius? In my defense, she hadn’t made an effort to come find me either, not until Marlene and I were leaving.
Mary turns her head quickly and locks eyes with me, as if she could hear me thinking about her. There’s something about her gaze that confuses me. It’s the same look she had given me this morning, the same look she’d given me last night. It’s a sad gaze. The type of gaze you have when you find out the puppy your parents bought you yesterday got hit by a car. You’re sad, but you also just met it, so you’re not too sad, you just want a puppy. It’s wishful. What is she wishing for? I already apologised to her about standing her up, but I suppose I should do it again.
“Hey, Mary?” She drops her eyes down, suddenly very interested in the grey, plain path, “Yeah, Lils?”
“I’m sorry.” Silence. “I’ve been really, really stupid recently.” Her head is still tilted down. “I shouldn’t have stood you up. I haven’t been talking as much to you. Marlene and Sirius too. I’ve just been...” I trail off. I hear a sharp inhale, she’s tense, not strolling along like she was before. “I’ve just been thinking a lot, about life.” I continue, “The existential crisis had to happen sooner or later, I guess.” I laugh it off awkwardly. She finally lifts her head up, “Are you okay?” Oh, she looks concerned now. “Just work stuff. Thinking about changing jobs.” I say, which isn’t a complete lie. She visibly relaxes, “Oh, okay. Yeah. Good. Your boss is awful.” I nod, “Yeah, he is.”
There’s a moment of silence. “It’s okay, Lily.” Mary says reassuringly, “I’m not mad at you.” “Okay.” I let the words linger around us for the rest of the walk home. I’m sure if I believe her, but it’d be nice if it were true.