Flicking embers into daffodils
You didn’t plan to tell me how you feel
You laugh about it like it’s no big deal
Crush the fire underneath your heel
I’m surprised that you’re the one who said it first
If you had waited a few years, I would’ve burst
Everything comes up to the surface in the end
Even the things we’d rather leave unspoken
We both know that it would never work
You’ve got your girl, you’re gonna marry her
And I’ll be watching in a pinstriped suit
Sincerely happy for the both of you
So what changеs, if anything?
Maybe everything can stay thе same
But if we never talk about it again
There’s something I want you to understand
You’re a big deal
You’re a big deal
You’re a big deal
You’re a big deal
You knew when you caught me reading at your show
I knew when you came to visit in the cold
We could've done something that we’d come to regret
Do you remember? You say, "How could I forget?"
But we both know that it would never work
You’ve got your girl, you’re gonna marry her
And I’ll be watching in a pinstriped suit
Not even wishing it was me and you
So what changes, if anything?
Maybe everything can stay the same
But if we never talk about it again
There’s something I want you to understand
You’re a big deal
You’re a big deal
You’re a big deal
You’re a big deal
You’re a big deal
You’re a big deal
You’re a big deal
You’re a big deal
Being back in the heat makes Regulus feel sixteen again, like he’s gonna melt right into the asphalt and die there. Dust to dust. Dirt to dirt. Black to Black.
Walking around the dirt paths with James Potter, the summer sun and rolling hills of wildflowers, that’s what really makes him feel sixteen again. James always does that, makes him feel young, like they’ll always be teenagers together. Like that’s where they’re frozen in time.
Regulus truly doesn’t miss being a kid, but it was simpler then. There was still a small bit of hope in his chest when James smiled at him, like maybe they could manage it. Now it feels like an arrow to the heart, but he’d rather be target practice than nothing at all.
They’re all back in town for Sirius’s birthday, the man that could bring even Cain and Abel back together. He’s rented a house in the mountains, there’s a river running through the back. Regulus had gone out to see it and instead saw the engagement ring on Lily’s finger where she held the railing.
It didn’t break his heart the way he thought it would, maybe because Regulus has done that already. Maybe it makes it all easier. When he smiled and hugged her, when he kissed her head and told her how happy he was for them, he meant it. He saw flashes of himself in a suit, watching them at the altar, and he wouldn’t change a thing. It’s where he’s supposed to be, where they are supposed to be.
That was days ago, they’re nearing the end of the trip. They’d been swimming that afternoon, but Regulus stepped away early to take a walk. He’d passed James in the kitchen, eating chips and scrolling on his phone. Regulus wanted to taste the salt on his fingers, look at his phone to get inside his head. Instead he told James he was going out, if he wanted to come?
Now they’re walking down a path together, James just a couple steps ahead. Regulus watches the back of his head, his shoulders as the muscles move under his skin. He’s smoking, which either means his adolescent habit went from something he did when he was anxious to a full time vice, or he’s spinning circles in his head.
“How’s engaged life?” Regulus asks James’s neck.
James turns his head, bringing the cigarette to his mouth, flicking ash onto the daffodils.
“It’s not bad,” he smiles. It’s a strange answer from the guy who could talk for hours and hours about something insignificant, let alone the woman he loves. Then again, maybe that’s all there is to say. He’s never been engaged, never even gotten close. He wouldn’t know. “How’s Barty?”
“Fine, I’m sure. Maybe off on a bender? He’ll show up when he needs a couch to crash on,” Regulus offers. He’s positive James is asking in a different way, he wants to know if they’re still together, if there’s anything there that matters. But there never was, Barty is too unstable and Regulus’s heart was never in it. They’ll always be friends, Regulus loves him, but they won’t need a flower girl.
James hums, taking another drag. Regulus wants to kick the back of his knees like he’s eight again. Like he’s the annoying little brother. Like he’s begging for scraps of attention. He doesn’t have to fight like that for it anymore, but he wouldn’t anyway. He doesn’t even live near James anymore, they visit each other a couple times a year, sometimes more if they’ll be in each other’s cities. They text, email, call when they can. There was a time when James was a part of his life every day, someone he knew he’d see, a routine, a habit. Now they catch each other when they can, like ships passing in the night, like the sun and the moon.
Regulus thought the distance would cure him, he thought he’d be okay. When James came to visit him, snow in his curls, he knew he was screwed for life. He thinks maybe James has some of that weighing on him too, with the lingering touches and eyes following him around the room. He shakes it off every time, it isn’t his to keep.
“Do you remember when you came to watch my hockey game? Senior year?” It was college, they went to a party after. They were drunk and every time Regulus closes his eyes he sees that moment, when they almost kissed.
“How could I forget?” Regulus responds, feeling the heat in his cheeks. Maybe his sunburn will help from completely giving himself away. James watches his face, the way he smiles when he answers, and Regulus can see something behind his eyes that he doesn’t have a name for.
“I think it’s when I first realized I was in love with you,” James says like it’s a simple truth, and Regulus can’t believe he’s the one who broke first. It’s like missing a step on the stairs, one you already knew you’d miss but you always forgot anyway.
“James,” Regulus says, and it’s a plea, really. He can’t do this. He can’t know this. Not more than he already does. He’ll rip it open and chew on the pieces for the next thirty years, hasn’t the past twenty-eight been enough?
“I didn’t mean to tell you that, I didn’t like…plan on it,” James laughs ruefully, like it’s not a big deal. Like he’s no big deal.
You’re a big deal, is all Regulus can think helplessly. He wants to grab him by the neck, warm skin on skin. He wants to kiss him like he never has, like he almost did that one night.
I didn’t mean to tell you that. I didn’t plan on it. That’s always how it is, in the end. Everything comes to the surface eventually, even the things you’d rather leave unspoken. Usually that especially, the things you never want to touch.
Regulus wonders if James had given it a few more years, if he would’ve burst. Regulus has had stress dreams about it, where he gets too drunk at a party or calls him in the middle of the night. Where he interrupts when the preacher says speak now or forever hold your peace.
Maybe it would’ve been at his wedding, before the ceremony. He’d be there in a suit, matching Sirius, Remus, Peter. He’d stare down at his shiny shoes, thinking of getting sick. They’d be left alone at some point, James would need help tying his tie. His hands would be shaking from nerves, so Regulus would do it for him. They’d breathe each other’s air, Regulus would be scared he’d see it on his face, but he’d sort of want him to anyway.
Really, Regulus knows how it would go. James would say, what is it Regulus? And Regulus would smooth down his blazer and say, you’re a big deal. James would laugh and say, I don’t know about that.
James looks at Regulus, like he knows every possible thing he could say, like they’re both losing. Also a little like he always does, like I love you.
They both know that it’ll never work.
“You’ve got your girl,” Regulus says, and he isn’t even wishing it was different, “you’re gonna marry her.”
He sees flashes of that life, the one they can’t even touch, and it doesn’t even feel like anything near reality. An apartment in some city somewhere, it doesn’t matter they’re all the same. There’s sun through the windows and a cat curled up on the floor. James is making dinner at the stove, Regulus is working late so that he can go home to the best thing he’s ever known. They spend the holidays with Sirius and Remus, they vacation in Italy and the California mountains, they wake up in the morning with their legs knotted together. It’s a sweet life, but it’s a dream.
James is too honorable to do anything else, and Regulus is too much of a coward. He won’t do that to Lily, he won’t do that to James, he won’t do that to himself.
He thinks of the last time James came to visit him, when they could’ve done something they would’ve come to regret. He wonders if he let every opening pass him by out of fear, but he knows that’s not how he wants it. How he would’ve wanted it to happen.
“I’m sorry,” James says, and that’s so much worse. “Everyone’s a winner, except for you and me.”
Regulus feels infinitesimally small on the mountain side. Just two specks standing there among the flowers, and from above they aren’t any taller or more important. He sort of wishes he could take root here, grow into the ground. Then again, James has always been his sun, so he’d just end up facing whatever direction he goes. He does that now, following the turn of James’s body, moving with him like he can’t help it. He’s a can on a string, does James realize that Regulus begins where he ends?
“Nothing changes,” Regulus shrugs, feeling his heart give out on him. “Everything can stay the same.” If nothing else, he wants to hold onto them. He doesn’t need the kissing before brushing or arguing over last names, but he can’t lose James. After everything, after it all. Not this too.
“Now why does that just break my heart?” James laughs out, but it isn’t a happy sound and Regulus hates it. He figures the headstones were already engraved, waiting for them. It’s time to dust them off and climb in. They aren’t kids anymore, and they aren’t each other’s either. Regulus has learned to live with that, he’s good at never getting what he wants. He isn’t sure how this is so casual, when the world is ending.
“Because wanting hurts too much,” Regulus offers, feeling sour on his tongue. He wants to give James everything he could ever want, he would hand himself over if he could, but that’s not how this story goes. They’ve never been able to make it work, it just isn’t meant for them. But Regulus supposes it was too big to ignore forever. Maybe now that they’ve acknowledged it, it’ll stop crushing them.
Regulus isn’t sure why he still feels like he’s choking on it, even with it laying on the ground between their shoes, covered in his spit.
James crushes the fire under his heel, dust to dust.
“I think I’m gonna want you forever,” James says, squinting at the clouds moving across the sky. Big white cotton balls.
“Big deal,” Regulus says, smiling, shrugging one shoulder. James squints at him, smiling too. Smiling like I love you. “That was sort of my plan anyway.”
You’re a big deal.
You’re a big deal.
You’re a big deal.