Poems For My Friends

Sirius Black was nineteen years old when he moved out of 12 Grimmauld Place and into the NYU dorms. He was eighteen years old when he begged his little brother to move with him, and eighteen years old when he left him at the hands of their parents. Sirius met his best friend, his brother, his chosen blood, when he was nine years old in primary school. One look at James Potter (and one time sharing crayons), and Sirius knew. Even at nine years old, he knew that this boy, he'd be with him forever. 

Sirius found out he liked boys after school on a particularly hot day in year five. They'd all been playing outside, and there in the distance, the seventeen-year-olds played football in tight tee-shirts and tank tops. He remembers not being able to look away from them, much to the behest of all his friends (‘Oh, come ON, Sirius! You know Parker has to be home by five!”), who teased him mercilessly about the whole ordeal, even now. Not James, though – never James. And oh, sure, Sirius dated women - he loved women, just as he loved men, just as he loved people, regardless of what was in their pants. When, in year twelve, he finally kissed Remus, his life changed forever and the secret he'd been harbouring for so long, that was confined to whispers, caged within his and James’ hearts, finally came out at home. Orion, brilliant father that he was, drunk and disoriented, came to Sirius at night, locked the door, disconnected the phone, and proceeded to marr his pale skin with violet and green. Things were thrown, heaters dismantled, phone cords cut - threats were given: 

“Stay away from my son. Do not corrupt him with your viciousness.” 

“I'm your son, too.”

“You are no son of mine.”

Walburga, on the other hand, was no better. She simply shut down, refused to so much as look at her own son when he writhed in pain at his father's hands - not even bothering to try and stop the violence she heard on the other side of the door. 

And so - from year eight onwards, every break was spent at the Potters’, and most years at the school – “Ah. But James, you sly fox, these are but the joys of boarding school, you see.” 

James had fixed something in Sirius that he never broke. James and the Potters’ neverending kindness never ceased to amaze Sirius, and if some of his amazement at basic human decency was unwarranted - no one had to know. The summers that couldn’t end sooner at 12 Grimmauld Place seemed to pass in less than a second and the breaks that Sirius dreaded so very much seemed to fall short by one or five months. 

By the time September rolled around, he’d pray quietly by his bed; always for his brother, and a little for the month to show him something good, let him be someone good. Sirius hadn’t ever been a religious person, and certainly not when he lived with his parents, but he’d never had qualms about begging or being on his knees. 

And Remus  – holy shit. Remus: Sweet, funny, handsome, smart, perfect, perfect, perfect Remus. After virtually keeping each other starved completely in insularity and doubts, in unreturned calls and awkward nights huddled under single blankets - never in the habit of just saying it out loud, when Remus and Sirius finally, finally got together, it was as if Sirius heard God saying to him, “this, this is what it has all been for. ” 

In their final year, Sirius and Remus stopped pining after each other in the oldest, most traditional way possible. Apparently, all they were missing was a wardrobe and seven minutes. 

And okay! Call Sirius a slut, see if he cares (he wouldn’t: he knows it’s true) but he’d had enough … romantic … escapades in the past to know, with full certainty that there had been, and possibly would never be someone who was as good (in bed) as Remus. So what if he regretted not jumping his bones when they lived together for seven years and he constantly fantasized about him? They were together now, even if living on different continents, and that was enough for Sirius. It had to be. 

NYU was a miracle for Sirius. Moreover, his professor from school, Ms. Minerva McGonagall, who wanted for him to go there, was a miracle for Sirius. She was his home away from home: the mother he’d never had the pleasure of having to please, not because of the school, but because she believed he was good before he was good. After having to prove what he’s made of all his life, McGonagall only treated him with the same decency that she’d treat any other person in school - instead of like a student, less-than and unknowing, she’d treated Sirius like a person. That’s not to say she wasn’t constantly on his and James’ and Remus’s and Peter’s asses about things, though. No, no. 

Minnie, mother-figure though she was, was possibly harder on the four boys than anybody else – but everyone, absolutely everybody knew she had a soft spot for Sirius. Regardless of all the (sometimes) concerning amount of “the funniest pranks ever” (self-proclaimed, completely), despite all the detentions and all the late nights outside after curfew – Sirius was her son.

So, it came as no surprise that Sirius still kept in touch with her; “Sorry guys, Minnie’s calling me.”

“Sirius! Glad you picked up. How are you keeping, son?”

“Hey, Minnie! America’s taking good care of me. How’re you, then?”

“Good. Good. Any plans of coming home?”

“You know it. We’ll be in London next Sunday.”

“Whole gang’s back together, huh?”

“Yes. Well, and Reggie.”

“Your brother, Reggie? Sirius, when did this happ-”

“Oh, worry not, Minnie! You’ll love him, too. Now, say bye-bye.”

“I see you haven’t changed since school at all.”

“You should’ve known, we speak almost every week.”

“Alright, son. Talk soon.”

“Bye, mum.” Sirius giggled and hung up.

“Right then, where were we?” he said as he joined back. 

“You never told me you found another mother, brother.”

“It's not new, Reggie. I couldn't wait to find alternate parents to replace Orion and Wally.”

“You’ll have to give your freshly disowned brother some lessons, I reckon.”

The night Regulus was coming over for dinner a few months ago was absolutely fucking insane. He doesn’t think he’s cared about how his flat looks more in his life. And sure, Remus being with him on the phone made things far better, it still fucked him up to have his dearest baby brother come over for the first time. Sirius didn’t think he was being neurotic, it’s just that Regulus had always been very (let’s say) particular about the way he likes things, and surely, the tiny little one bedroom flat  (that he was very proud of, thank you very much!) that currently looked like an angsty teenager’s perpetual bedroom, would leave much to be desired. In any case, the entire day was spent cleaning the flat, with Remus’s voice ringing out on speaker phone. 

And even when the flat was finally clean, Sirius could not calm down. This, of course, led to Remus being the fucking incredible boyfriend that he is. 

Exhibit A:

“Baby, I can see the flat and it looks wonderful. Maybe get something to eat, yeah?”

“I need to get this fucking poster off my wall, it’s ruining the whole vibe.”

“Oh my God, just sit down for a minute, darling! It’s okay. He’ll love it. He loves you.”

“How are you so sure about that? I think I’m going to have to redo the flat, or move. This is atrocious.”

Silence.

Remus gives Sirius a look which says: do you hear yourself?

“Yeah okay, I heard it. Shut up. I’ve gotta chill.”

“YEAH you do. God damn, woman. Open the door, by the way.”

“Shit, the bell rang? The food shouldn’t be here this early I’m going to have to-”

Remus is here. 

Sirius spends the full two hours before Regulus arrives with Remus’s lips on his everywhere and then his head between his legs. It’s glorious. 

Regulus does get there annoyingly on time, and as it turns out Remus and Regulus may have more in common than previously anticipated, much to Sirius’s behest.

The food is marvelous, he’s surrounded by two of the people he loves most in the world, the conversation, however, is not. 

“So, Reggie. What have you been up to? Apart from working at the club.”

“Oh, you mean besides getting kicked out? Not much actually!”

“Look who’s grown a sense of humor!”

“Certainly not you, darling.” 

Regulus only looks at Remus, blankly, before breaking out into the most obnoxious laugh in the entire world. Sirius loves the sound of it, the little shit.

“Oh my God, you didn’t tell me your boy here is such a diva!”

“He’s no-”

“Sh-sh-sh baby, we both know I’m more of a diva than you are.” Remus says with a little eye roll and brushes off imaginary hair.

“So, Remus. I remember you, you know?”

“Oh,” he raises an eyebrow, “Do you now?”

“Hell yeah, I remember you sneaking through Siri’s window.”

“YOU KNEW??” 

“Well, of course I knew, Siri. It’s not like you were quiet.”

Sirius blushes a bright shade of pink. Remus continues the conversation.

“You know, I remember you too.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, you remember that one night I went down to your fucking massive ass kitchen to get some edible god damn food and you were there too.”

“Oh shit, yeah! I forgot about that. What did we end up eating anyway?”

“Fuck if I remember. All I know is that night your parents gave you lot the most atrocious dinner.”

“Sorry, I put you through it, Remus. Not like we were being abused as children or anything.” Sirius rolls his eyes. 

Remus turns his head towards him and before pressing a soft kiss to him and says, “I didn’t mind. You were there.”

And hey - maybe Remus and Regulus being friends isn’t so bad after all. 

Sirius has always loved airports. The people, the places, the stories, all of it, really. It doesn't bother him that the line for security is twelve years long, doesn't bother him that they're all probably about to miss their flight, he's just content to be here with his family. 

Remus rests his chin on his shoulder and whispers, “Darling, I love you, but this is far past my bedtime,” and kisses him on the cheek - and virgin-fucking-Mary, isn’t this all Sirius's ever dreamed of?

Sirius hums and whispers back, “Just a little bit more time, yeah? You can sleep on the plane - we're almost through here.” 

And almost whiningly, Remus replies, “But I don’t like planes!”

“I’ll be right next to you through it.”

They were NOT almost through. 

It took them a full two hours to get through all the shenanigans that the airport put them through, but now, here they were, about to take off. Sirius draws in a deep breath, Remus braces himself for take off, the plane gains more speed each second. And when they’re in the air, they’re holding hands. 

“That wasn’t too bad, was it, baby?”

“ ‘Guess not. It’s a lot better when you’re with me, Siri.”

“Hm. I love you.”

Remus snorts. “I love you too.”

He feels Remus’s breathing get steadier and steadier, he watches his head sink into the hard commercial seat. When he turns his head, there’s Regulus, only just separated by the aisle. He’s writing something, he doesn’t remember Regulus being a big writer when they were young. 

And, God , he thinks, he’s missed so much .

It’s weird, actually, how much his little brother fucking glows . Every place that he walks into, every person he meets, he brightens everything up, or maybe that’s just what Sirius thinks. It’s just been so long since he’s had his whole family with him. 

Ever since year seven, the only place he ever saw his little brother was at school, and even less when he stopped going back home altogether. Regulus avoided him like the plague, lest there be visible bruises - courtesy of mummy dearest, of course - and well, Sirius never really reached out after Regulus stopped entertaining it. And so, the brothers never really spoke after Sirius turned thirteen. 

It’s been seven - almost eight years, they still haven’t addressed the elephant in the room. 

“Whatcha doin’, Reggie?”

“Jesus, they really got you, huh?”

“Who?”

“Americans.”

“Fuck you. What are you doing, good sir?”

“Writing, you prat. Do you not have eyes or do you just refuse to use them?”

“Jeez. Sorry, whatcha writing?”

Regulus closes his notebook.

“Nothing of interest.”

“Show me!” He makes grabby hands.

“No.”

“Please! I’ll do your laundry for a week!”

“We don’t live together anymore, Sirius.”

“Fuck you. Let me see!”

“No!”

“I won’t judge you even if it’s weird love letters to James!”

“Jesus Christ, here!” Regulus hands over the notebook. 

“Thank you.” Sirius gives him his biggest, cheesiest smile and he starts reading. 

The gritty gritty mud shall stay in my teeth

And in crevices unknown and words uncouth

I shall stay where it is tough

Winters shall pass and the blossoms shall bloom

I will be eighteen years soon

The in-between will open up and widen,

Shall tear through skin and burn in acid

The gritty gritty mud shall change colours and paces

Oh. 

Okay.

He continues reading. 

Comrades shall come and armies shall go

Lest the in-between allow familiarity 

The prologue happened yesterday, two centuries ago

This one ends here.

Sirius turns the page, he finds a finished poem.

Oh, sweet brother of mine. 

How much I have missed you.

Fear not, sweet brother,

I shall not show you what has happened yet,

And what happens still 

He shuts the notebook. It’s too much, not enough. He’s thankful Regulus didn’t see this happen, so Sirius simply puts the notebook back on Regulus’s seat. 

Sirius tries not to think about it for the duration of the flight. When Remus wakes up, Sirius thinks he can see right through him so he only just whispers a little “I love you,” before resting his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder. 

Six hours later, they’re in a cab, heading back to the Potters’ place. It’ll be Regulus’s first time meeting the people who basically raised Sirius. He can’t wait to make it all perfect for his little brother.