The first thing Sirius noticed about Remus after James, Peter, and he had discovered Remus was a werewolf was how much Remus seemed to hate the wolf. At first, he thought it was strange. The Black family had taught him that werewolves were bloodthirsty monsters who enjoyed hunting humans. Of course, Sirius never put much weight behind his family’s beliefs, but he had thought that it was at least partially true. Or he had hoped so, since the ministry used the same excuse to persecute werewolves more than they deserved.
The point is: Remus hated the wolf. And it had never been entirely clear to Sirius as to why. Not until he connected the dots to all the scars littering Remus’s body, to how he had to walk with a cane sometimes, how he would wince when standing close to the moon. He only really connected them a few days before the first full moon after they had discovered Remus’s secret. And from that moment onwards, he had vowed to himself that he would find a way to help Remus. Because clearly, he hated the wolf because of how much pain it put him through each month. Right?
---
It started with an argument. James, Peter and Sirius had just revealed their animagus forms to Remus as a surprise for his birthday and were grinning wildly.
“Merlin, you’re such idiots, what if you’d gotten stuck halfway between animals and humans?” Remus chided, though he was smiling.
“Well, what were we supposed to do, let you suffer alone?” James said.
“What?” Remus asked, confused.
“We didn’t do this simply for fun, Moony,” Peter said, his smile softening.
“What do you mean?” Remus asked, looking more confused.
“Moons, we did it for you, so you don’t have to be alone during the full moon,” Sirius said, smiling brightly at his boyfriend.
Remus went suddenly pale. “No,” he said firmly, “no, you’re not- you’re not coming with me. You’re not going to run around with a monster.”
“What do you mean? Of course we are, we want to help you,” Peter said, brows furrowing.
“No- No! I-” Remus paused, taking a deep breath. “I appreciate you doing all this, but I won’t let you.”
“We aren’t asking for permission, Remus,” James said.
“No, James, you don’t get it. I don’t- I can’t hurt you. I won’t let you put yourselves in danger, not for me,” Remus said, voice brittle.
“Why, because you don’t think you’re worth it? Cheri, you’re worth everything, and this can help you,” Sirius said, approaching Remus as if he were a scared animal, not the predator Remus knew he was.
“No, Sirius, you don’t understand,” Remus said, shaking his head. He quickly backed away from Sirius, putting his hands in his hair.
“No, you’re right, I don’t understand. We spent years trying to do this, months waking up at dawn, waiting for the right time to complete the spell. We did this for you!” Sirius said coldly, his fists clenched.
“You won't be coming!” Remus snapped, his hands shaking.
“Why not?” Sirius said, starting to pace.
“Because I don’t want you to!” Remus said, voice cracking.
“Why not?!” Sirius yelled.
“No is a complete sentence Sirius. I’m telling you no.” Remus turned away, his shoulders shaking with the effort of keeping his one final secret, his worst secret, hidden.
“No, Remus don’t dodge the question. Why not? Give me one good fucking reason-” Sirius kept pushing. Remus knew his boyfriend didn’t know when to stop. And now, Remus boiled over like an overfilled pot.
“Because I killed someone!” Remus yelled, turning around looking at his friends with wide eyes full of guilt and pain.
Everything stilled. Sirius immediately calmed, lowering his hands. Peter’s brows furrowed in confusion. James stiffened, “…what?”
Remus closed his eyes. This wasn’t something he had ever wanted to tell them; he had never wanted them to find out, and certainly not like this. And, Merlin, Remus was scared. Remus was scared because he knew that his other secrets weren’t his fault, though it had taken time to accept that. He hadn’t chosen to be gay, and he hadn’t chosen to be bitten by Greyback when he was eight. But this, this felt like his fault.
Remus turned away towards the window, not able to stand looking at his friends, at his boyfriend, any longer. He knew he had to tell them now, but he was a coward. He didn’t want to see the moment they stopped caring about him, the moment they started hating him. Remus knew he deserved it, but he still desperately didn’t want to see that etched on their faces.
“I had a brother,” Remus spoke quietly, “a twin.”
Sirius’s breath hitched. He put a hand on Remus’s shoulder, but Remus tensed, so Sirius took his hand back.
“We shared a room, you know,” Remus continued, “the cottage isn’t that big, so we had to. But we didn’t mind. Actually, we loved it. My mother says we used to spend hours babbling with each other, even as toddlers, instead of sleeping.” Remus smiled sadly, though he knew the others couldn’t see his face.
“He was my other half, the most important person in my life.” Remus’s voice was shaking. He knew the others could tell he was crying. A raw sob escaped his throat. In the reflection on the window, Remus saw James’s distorted form grab onto Sirius, holding him back from trying to, presumably, hug Remus. Remus was thankful; he wasn’t sure he could deal with Sirius hugging him, though he would never deny Sirius anything, even if it made him uncomfortable.
“Greyback snuck in through the window,” Remus continued, “it was summer, so we had left it open to let the breeze in. I still remember how beautiful the moon was that night.”
“Rem-” Peter started, but Remus cut him off.
“Please, don’t interrupt. I can’t-” Remus’s breath hitched, “I can’t get through the whole thing if you interrupt.”
“Ok,” James said softly.
Remus paused to take another breath. He was shaking all over, he knew he’d end up falling over if he stayed standing, so he sat on the bed next to him but kept his eyes averted from his friends, not meeting their gazes. He heard them, more than saw them, sitting on the bed across from him.
“We were eight and our father had only told us horrors about werewolves. Greyback confirmed every single one.” Remus continued, “I remember Romulus- that was his name- I remember him screaming and waking me up. And then I met Greyback’s amber eyes as he lifted his head, his fangs still dripping with my brother’s blood.”
Sirius whimpered and James hushed him softly.
“Well, you can guess what happened after that.” Remus sniffed, dragging the sleeve of his sweater over his face.
“The first moon after that, we were locked in the cellar. Both of us.” Remus said. “We didn’t know what was going to happen. When the moon rose, and the pain started, I remember the cold floor of the cellar, his screams, my screams. But then the wolf took over and I don’t remember much of what came next, the wolf always makes my memories fuzzy.”
Remus was certain that all his friends were crying now.
“I woke up the next morning and I could still smell the blood, I could still taste it, the iron,” Remus truly started sobbing now. “He was- he was gone. He was gone and it was my fault.”
James sobbed loudly.
“Do- do you get it now?” Remus asked, “Do- do you get why I don’t want you there? I can’t- I can’t ever do that again, not to anyone, especially not to you.”
Sirius’s breath shuddered as he started speaking, “Rem, I, Salazar, I can’t even imagine what that must be like.”
Remus did lift his head, then, meeting their gazes. He hadn’t expected them not to run away when he had told them the truth.
“You-” Remus took a deep breath, “you’re not… disgusted?”
“Merlin, Remus, did you truly think we’d think less of you because of this?” James said shakily, he was still crying, though Remus could tell by the way he kept dragging his sleeve over his face that he was trying to stop.
“Remus, you were eight. Kids that age, they can’t be held responsible for…” Peter’s voice wavered “for anything really.”
“You don’t-” Remus said, another tear slipping from his eye, “how can you not blame me? It was- it was my fault, it was my fault, he- he would still be alive if I hadn’t killed him.”
Sirius moved quickly, and this time James didn’t stop him. He tried to gather Remus in his arms, but Remus pushed him away.
“No, Sirius- Sirius, don’t,” Remus’s voice broke, “I don’t- I don’t deserve comfort. I’m, I’m a murderer, Sirius,”
“No, you’re not-”
“Yes! Yes, I am! I’m-” Remus said, still pushing Sirius back, “you’re better off just forgetting about me, all of you.”
“That’s not going to happen, Moony,” James said.
“Moony, please look at me,” Sirius said. He had stopped trying to pull him into a hug and was instead trying to meet his boyfriend’s eyes, and he only continued when their gazes met, “I love you.” Remus let Sirius hold his face in his hands.
“Merlin, I love you so much it hurts, I can’t imagine a life without you in it. I’m not letting you go, not ever, not for anything. Remus, you’re everything.”
That’s when Remus’s eyes overflowed again. He let himself collapse into Sirius’s arms; he was nothing in the face of Sirius’s love for him. He let Sirius hold him until his sobs calmed a bit.
“Remus, listen to me,” Sirius said firmly, gently grabbing Remus’s chin between his fingers to force Remus to meet his eyes, “it wasn’t your fault. Ok? You were- Merlin, Remus you were a child, you were eight, for Salazar’s sake. It was the moon, Greyback even, but never- never- you. And- and I know, I know, your father has told you differently, that he has- that he got you thinking you could have done something to stop it. But-” Sirius struggled to continue. How does one convince his boyfriend that he’s not a murderer?
“But even he knows it’s not your fault.” James had moved onto the bed next to them, Remus turned his head to face him. “He- Merlin, Remus, I imagine he feels so guilty. He’s the one who put the two of you in the cellar. And then the next morning he was gone.”
Remus was sobbing louder than ever now and James moved in to join the hug too. Then, Remus felt the bed shift on his other side and felt Peter’s arms snake around him too.
And for the first time in years, he let himself be held, he let himself be comforted, he let himself believe that maybe it wasn’t his fault.