Chapter 5
The melody Malfoy was playing was soft, not really sad, but with a nostalgic nuance that made the weight of the last few months feel a little lighter. It made her think of how lonely she felt, not with the hostility that took over her thoughts constantly, but with longing.
Hermione tried to reach the place in her mind that stood hidden behind all that resentment and frustration and found the vast valley of all she had been ignoring since the boys left. All the special moments that took her to sacrifice her life them every time, that took her to choose them as her best friends, that spark, that connection she felt when they were allowed to just be teenagers, kids, and the way it warmed her heart. Of course the boys leaving her wounded her deeply, and it was wrong of them, but she missed them so much. She missed having friends, joking , laughing, feeling she could trust someone. They had to leave, they were at war, Harry was the Chosen One, they couldn’t change that. It wasn’t their fault they couldn’t make the war safe for her fragile heart. Ronald had always been a mess with his feelings and the overall way he carried himself, what did she expect? It was obvious Harry had other things to think about, how could she be so selfish to judge their poor decisions? She was supposed to be the smarter one; they were teens who could hardly grasp at the gravity of their situation, how could she demand of them to be emotionally mature on top of all of that? Hermione felt like the shadow of her introspection was dissipating the light of their love.
It seemed like there were two versions of her life, the one that loved and understood her friends and the one that felt she was not prioritized in any of her friendships, and she could only focus on one at a time, make it the source of all her feelings, and ignore the existence of the other reality completely. It was so hard for her to keep a balance of these two, mostly because it appeared she was the only one that was trying to do it, as if it was a line no one else care -or knew- to tend to. And it left her feeling neglected, like she was the only one to fetch for her feelings, while she was expected to do so for everyone else as well.
She watched Malfoy’s back, and she realized she hadn’t really looked at him since he arrived. He had always seemed to her like the annoying but predictable bully-wannabe, the first time she actually revisited this idea was during last year. Even though she repeatedly told Harry to leave it, it was clear there’s was something awful going on in his life, and time prove that to be right. She had never considered him as a complex person with deep troubles besides the typical ones of a young pureblood heir until she saw him completely wrapped in the arms of darkness and trying to escape it.
And looking at his back right at that moment, the delicate and subtle sway of his body proved to her this tune also sent his thoughts to a brighter side of his mind just like it did to her. Had he chosen it because he knew it’d soothe her? His posture reflected the elegance and etiquette expected of someone with his upbringing, but lacked the rigidity that people with power always display like a threat. His hair was slightly disheveled in a way that made him look younger -or just his age, like this, he looked so approachable it felt for a minute she wasn’t staring at the same Draco Malfoy she knew since they were eleven. Was he really playing for her? It would make him the first person to act on behalf of her emotions in a way. Hermione wasn’t sure how to feel about it, on one hand it was kind of sweet, on the other quite sad that it was her former bully who did something to cheer her up.
Or perhaps he was just playing for himself and she was thinking too much about it. Or maybe it was the fact that he was locked in a room with her as his only companion (and the sporadic elve), so who else could he pay attention to?
“My mother would play it, to help me sleep.” He said still playing. Musicalized rambling, apparently. “I think she did it when she was feeling down as well, but with her it’s difficult to tell, you know, it’s not easy to read her. I guess she was trained too well to let it show.” That was not the path she expected him to go down on, mostly considering last time it happened because he was drunk.
Maybe it was the lightness in her heart from the soft notes , or from feeling seen and attention, but she couldn’t help but want to meet this side of Malfoy, what troubled him so badly and why he thought opening up to her about anything was something he’d want to do. “I get why she would, it is relaxing. I guess I needed that, too. I’m sorry I’ve been kind of a bitch lately, by the way, when you’ve been nice. I didn’t really thought I would ever witness you being nice.”
He chuckled softly, going back to his puzzle, seemingly glad she was in a easygoing mood. “Well, I’ve been told I get more handsome when I’m not evil so try not to crush too hard. And you shouldn’t apologize to me, Granger, ever. You really do have a free pass to be a bitch after his awfully I used to be”.
“‘Used to be’. Where does this change come from then?” She tried to not make it sound like an accusation, because it wasn’t, she was just so perplexed by the contrast of who he had always been and the boy that sat in front of her.
Malfoy took a moment to organize his thoughts, noticeably choosing his words. “I know this sudden change in me is odd, but the truth is that it hasn’t been sudden at all. Maybe it’s been going on even longer than I am aware of. And being hidden gave me time to think, I’ve never really been moved by any of all that. It is a lame excuse, I know, but I was born into it, maybe being away from it, or attacked directly by what was supposed to make me special, it made me consider how unfair it all was.” It was such a lame excuse, but she saw the sincerity in it, the shame in not being able to have a better explanation.
“Okay.” She left it at that, even though she knew she had forgiven him, she didn’t feel like forgiving out loud, she was so sick of always having to do the mature and correct thing. “Also, about what you said, you know, being alone and all, I guess I could try and hang out a bit. For the sake of sanity.
“For the sake of sanity, then.”