“Look at me. Please, God. Look at me.” Sirius begged, kneeling on the ground.
His knees dug into the muddled dirt and flecks of mud scratched onto the fabric of his trousers. The wind whipped his hair left and right and for once, he resembled James Potter. Sparkling eyes, though his shone with unshed tears. Messy hair, ruffled from the turbulent wind almost as wild as the tornado of traversing riddling his body. Pale, unblemished skin–though it wasn’t a proper reflection of just how broken, shattered, and unfixable he felt with the trouble in his mind. With the trouble in his heart. But Sirius knew what he wanted, what he needed–and if he didn’t beg for forgiveness now, he was never going to receive it.
A moment passed.
Silence threatened to overwhelm the young man on the ground. The wind calmed. The crickets quieted, and the only sound was the soft panting of Sirius’ breath. His counterpart turned his head, holding his own breath.
“I can’t look at you.” Remus mumbled to someone, somewhere, but not to his friend that sat begging in front of him. A flush of red flooded Remus’ cheeks as he tried to look down at the boy who was his everything. His thoughts flitted back to all the times that he remembered the Sirius he knew, the turbulent young man ready to conquer the world, confidence defining him, shining bright as his namesake shining in the sky. The brightest star of the night, Sirius.
For a couple of months there, Remus had been so enraptured by his beauty that he had forgotten.
Starts shine bright because stars burn.
“God! Remus, why are you doing this?” The whine slipped from Sirius’ lips and he covered his mouth with his hand, his other hand digging into the wed dirt, mud clogging up under his nails. He slumped into the ground and mud and dirt scars fully marred all of his trousers.
Remus’ trainers dug into the ground as he felt the urge to run away. He’s not safe. He’s not safe. He betrayed me, he isn’t safe. Remus tried to convince himself of the words but so much love flooded into his chest at the sight of Sirius on his knees, begging him for redemption.
Remus’ chest constricted, his heart screaming as his brain beat it into the ground.
I can’t do this. This has to stop.
“Why do you keep saying ‘God’? You’re a wizard. You used to never shut up about Merlin’s… er… ” Remus shut up in an instant. The dig fell flat on dead humor and Sirius looked up at him with the shine of awkwardness and regret so potent in his eyes that Remus was sorely tempted to turn around and run back to the dormitory.
The boys were at a stalemate. Sirius, too afraid to move. Remus, incapable.
“Moony, please–”
“Don’t call me that.” Remus’ hard voice nearly growled. His eyes flitted to the measly boy on the ground and Sirius couldn’t tell if his eyes were colored with rage or amber.
“I’m.” He gulped. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to–”
“You didn’t mean to call me that? Or you didn’t mean to almost make me a killer? Which one, Sirius?” All timidity fled from Remus’ voice, his mind, at the sheer rage that Sirius induced within him. All love, lust, and desire for the beautiful, aristocratic boy were thrown to the corners of his mind as he contemplated what the hell he thought he was doing, with the audacity to call him that name, after everything he did–
“I’m so sorry. Please, Remus, I’m so sorry! What can I do? How can I fix it?” Sirius threw himself on the ground and his panting grew louder. A single teardrop fell from his eye and dripped down his face, splattering into the dirt like the forgotten tears of all the sinners of before. Vaguely, Remus wondered how many stars sat where Sirius did, their hearts screaming for forgiveness after they had nearly shorn another to shreads.
Sirius wondered how many wolves stood over the stars. How many turned around and left, leaving the star to die in a supernova. Sirius wondered how many wolves did that and were right.
“Why did you do it?” Remus whispered. He reached out to touch Sirius’ wild hair. He hesitated for a moment, watching Siriu’s hopeful and curious eyes, and Remus caught his hair in his fingers, twirling a single black lock.
“What?” Sirius murmured. He didn’t dare breathe, not move a single muscle.
“Why?” Remus’ voice wondered and it broke along with Sirius’ heart for probably the thousandth time. The boys could almost hear the way the four chambers of their hearts broke. Again, again, and again. Stuck in a constant cycle of pain all because of one mistake.
Droplets of rain poured down on the boys. When the first one landed in Sirius’ messy hair, he shuddered. Blinking rapidly, he reached out for a response.
“I—I don’t have a good reason. I wasn’t thinking. I’m so sorry, I wasn’t thinking. I just wanted Snivellus to hurt and I ended up almost ruining your life in the process. I’m so sorry.” The boy’s throat began to constrict at the last couple words and he rubbed at his eyes with his grubby, filthy hands. Mud and grass smeared onto his face as he tried not to cry.
For the first time, Remus’ eyes travelled to the figure kneeling before him. His eyes widened and he yearned so terribly to just reach out, to cup his face in his calloused hands, to kiss him until his tears were gone. He loved him, Remus loved him—but he wasn’t sure if that would be enough.
“I can’t forgive you.” At his words Sirius shuddered and tears poured down his face. He brought his head down, trying to disguise his tears.
“But.” Remus murmured. Sirius tried not to make a sound. Remus sunk down into the ground, his knees failing as he knelt down to meet the eyes of the brightest star.
“I can, one day. Just give me time, okay?” He murmured and swallowed.
“If… if you really mean it, I’ll try and forgive you. For you, Padfoot.”
“Why?” Sirius’ voice was like a whisper in the wind and the boy tilted his head up slightly. Remus could see the tear tracks on his face, the way clear snot dripped from his nose, the redness of his eyes. Remus saw how dirt covered up the beautiful, pale skin that hid beneath it. But most of all, Remus saw the hope shining in those starbright eyes.
“Because.” Remus meant to say more but it was like the words got stuck on the way up his throat. Heart lodged in his esophagus, he cupped Sirius’ face in his arms. Confusion radiated off of the boy.
“Because I love you.”
The world stood still for a moment once again. Nothing happened. Nobody breathed. Not until Sirius latched onto Remus’s hands, gripping them with everything in him. Tears began to fall from his eyes again as understanding dawned inside of him.
He gingerly moved closer to Remus, placing his lips softly on the other boys. He opened his lips slightly and kissed him with so much passion pent up from years of want.
Understanding, Remus kissed him back. It was as if the boy’s eyes had been opened and he could see again. He could see Sirius again.