Getting back at them
There are three things that Regulus Arcturus Black knows for sure:
One: He hates his brother. Admittedly, he didn’t always. Loved him, even. Sirius was his best friend. And then he met James fucking Potter in his first year at Hogwarts, and that was that. Last year (Regulus’s 5th year and Sirius’s 6th), he ran away from his family and his house and Regulus and right to the Potters. He obviously replaced him with that cow-headed oaf, who’s always fucking smiling and joking and laughing and overall acting like a giant toddler.
Which brings him to his second point.
Two: Regulus Black hates, and by hate he really means hate, James Fleamont fucking Potter. He infuriates him to no end. That blood traitor prick with his lovely fucking parents and his lovely fucking friends and his, admittedly, lovely fucking looks that he seems to charm everyone, even the teachers, with.
The one, who his brother has so obviously replaced him with. The one, who has never had any problems in his life and loves and gets loved by people in return with no conditions. He should be grateful. But, no, what does Potter do?!
He plays awful pranks on the whole house of Slytherin, because he’s bored and prejudiced and rude and arrogant and thinks, he can just do whatever he wants, because the whole world apparently lays at his feet. People like these pranks? Think they’re funny? Why? What did Regulus or Dorcas ever do to them? What did the innocent first years, who are currently bawling their eyes out, ever do to them? What did any of them do to deserve to be covered in fucking Mandrake pus?! Nothing!
…At least not yet.
Now, though, Regulus thinks to himself, while him, Dorcas and some crying first years are sitting pus-covered in the Slytherin common room, yeah, now, he will do something. That shit has been going on for long enough now. He is going to put an end to this. Yeah, him and Dorcas, maybe even Barty, Evan and Pandora are getting back at Potter, the werewolf, Pettigrew and his darling brother. Oh, this is going to be good.
The third thing Regulus knows for sure, is that love is for fools. It didn’t get him anywhere with his brother. He doesn’t love his family and he wouldn’t say, that he actually loves his friends either. Panda doesn’t count. She’s the exception to that rule. He just doesn’t need it, crave it or whatever. It’s useless.
Love is for fools, he’s learned that the hard way, and Regulus Arcturus Black is anything but.
---
“Hold on, you want to do WHAT?”, Evan asks, looking at Regulus with wide eyes.
Regulus smirks. “Why are you looking at me like that, Evan? They’ve done worse! They deserve it! And it’s only going to be them, not their entire house. We’re the good ones here.”, he argues, while the others, Barty, Evan, Dorcas and Pandora, look at him in pride, disbelief, outrage and…Pandora looks, hm, neutral? indifferent? About it all? Okay, so he’s going to have to explain, then. Fine.
He sighs. “We’re not actually going to hurt them, just…get back at them for all the shitty stunts they pulled. And we’re only going to do things they already did to us. It’ll be fine. You’ll be fine. They won’t even know it was us.”, Regulus assures them.
There’s a pause.
“You know”, Regulus continues after none of his friends have said anything “I’m getting the feeling you don’t even want to get back at them for it. Wh-“
Regulus is abruptly cut off by Barty snatching him into a very unexpected hug. He is pretending to cry dramatically with the back of his hand, that’s currently not holding onto Regulus, pressed to his forehead.
“Regulus, Reg, Reginald-“ Barty cries out dramatically while swaying in Regulus’ arms
“Barty, what the hell”, Regulus laughs, making sure not to drop Barty
“I did it!”, Barty shrieks while Regulus pushes him away from him, “I finally corrupted you! You wanna get back at them, fucking yes! Finally some action in our lives now! About time we’re doing something against those marauder-morons!”
Dorcas laughs at them while Pandora still looks unbothered. Evan stands up from his bed and joins them on the floor of their dorm room where they’re currently sitting. He looks thoughtful, though not averse to the idea.
“Reg, how come that you want to do that now exactly?” he asks him with that deep and smooth voice of his. Evan has never been one to raise his voice or be dramatic like Barty is. He contains himself, really. Regulus likes that about him.
“What do you mean?” Regulus counters.
“Well… Back when the pranks started in our first year you didn’t even consider it, which I can’t blame you for. But then in 4th year, Barty and I asked you to get back at ‘em and you… I dunno. I don’t think you wanted to? Their pranks have always been awful, is what I’m sayin’. So… Why now? Is it ‘cause… Is it ‘cause he left?”, Evan asks him cautiously.
They all know who he means by “he”. And they all know that Regulus can be a bit bitchy at times when it comes to his brother. Anyways, he doesn’t think that’s why he wants to do it now. Not exactly. He’s just sick of it.
“No, I don’t think so, Ev.”, is what he answers, “It’s… Well, it might make me want to prank them more but… I-…I’m just sick of it. They shouldn’t get away with it. None of these kids down there”, he gestures to the common room below them, “have done anything to them. Sure, Mulciber and his lot deserve it. But the others, especially not the first years, deserve to be covered in fucking mandrake pus. It’s not right and I want them to regret it.”
“Ok.”, Dorcas replies, smiling a little cruelly, “We’ll make ‘em see it. I’m in.”
“Me the fuck too!”, that’s Barty, obviously.
“Yeah, alright, same.” Evan agrees, nodding his head.
They all turn to look at Pandora, the only Ravenclaw in the Slytherin dorm right now.
“What are you looking at me for? I’m far above playing little pranks. I’m a Ravenclaw. I’m too smart for that nonsense. And I rather like Remus, he’s a great teacher. James is kinda nice too, actually.”
“Pandora Lovegood!”
“Panda!”
“Traitor”
“Ew! No way!”, they all have a go at her at the same time.
What a ridiculously silly statement. Why would she say that? They’re so not nice. What the hell?! Regulus takes it back. Panda is not his favorite anymore. And when did Lupin become Remus?!
“What, I’m looking at it rationally. They probably don’t even want to affect the firsties. They just didn’t think about that while planning the pranks.”, she defends herself.
“So?”, Dorcas challenges, “That makes them reckless. Maybe they’re not evil then. Just…reckless and thoughtless. That doesn't make it better in the slightest!”
“No, but it does, though”, Pandora counters, “That means they don’t do it to be malicious. At least the intentions behind it are good.”
“Yeah, still doesn’t change the fact that the firsties are crying right now because of it.”
“Ok. But-“
“Okay!”, Regulus interrupts them. He doesn’t need an argument right now. These pricks can’t also destroy his friend group. “So that’s settled then. We’re getting them back using their own weapons against them. Only stunts they also pulled on us so they’ll see how awful it is. Everyone except for you, Panda”, he shoots her a sharp look. She makes a face.
“We’ll meet at nine in front of the Gryffindor common room. Evan, you take care of the stinging nettles in the greenhouses. Barty, look up the hair color spell and I’m in charge of the biting shower heads.” He glances at his friends and adds: “This is a one-time thing. If my parents or anyone finds out about this, I’m dead. Maybe literally. So… Give it all you’ve got!”
---
Regulus would like to say, that he’s good at sneaking around. He’s done it a lot at Grimmauld place and at Hogwarts too. Not to do anything illegal, mind you. Just to… Well, hide. When it gets too much. Too overwhelming. So, he knows good hiding spots and he knows how to be quiet. His friends, apparently, do not.
“Shhhhh. Fucking shut it, Barty! Do you want to get us caught?!”, he whisper shouts at Barty, who just tripped over a stack of books someone left on the floor of the Gryffindor common room. Why would he do that? It’s not like they’re invisible, for Merlin’s sake!
“Sorry, sorry!”, he apologizes with a pained expression. The four of them made it safely to the Gryffindor common room thanks to Barty’s insane flirting skills. He actually managed to drag the password out of some poor girl he’d made out with by dragging her to the entrance. She just said the password loudly and got them both inside so they’d have a quiet make out place. Barty memorized it and also flirted with the fat lady to get all four of them in after curfew, even though they’re not Gryffindors. No one’s immune to his charm. Not even Regulus himself, but that’s a topic for some other day. Anyways, sometimes, he’s actually quite useful. Though right now, Regulus could rip his head off.
“Sorry. Sorry. Ow, fuck!”, he curses while rubbing his knee. The idiot tripped on the stairs to the dormitories. Prick.
“We’re almost there Barty, just don’t act like a hippogriff for one more bloody minute. Can you do that?”, Evan pleads.
“Got it!”, Dorcas beamed, gesturing to a brown door in front of her.
“Great, let’s go!”, Regulus smirks, “quietly.”, he shoots a glare at Barty who flips him off.
Half an hour later finds them sitting in Barty’s, Regulus’ and Evans’ dorm room and they’re very pleased with themselves. They did a good job. The showers in his brother’s dorm bite, their hair is dyed in green and silver and the bedsheets covered in stinging nettles. It’s mean, but they did it first after all. To people who didn’t deserve it, mind you. He’s still a bit surprised that they didn’t get caught because of Barty, but after all…
…Well, getting caught is foolish and Regulus Black is anything but.
---
Now, Regulus wouldn’t say that his life is very happy. It didn’t give him many reasons to laugh. But this, oh this has him laughing and clutching his stomach hard.
Him and the others are in the Great Hall, at the Slytherin table. They got there early not to miss the sight of his brother and his silly little group of marauders. And it’s so worth it. All four of them are covered in nettle stings from head to toe. Big, red and sure to be very itchy spots. Ah, so Sirius wanted to take a shower first then, Regulus concludes, noticing the lovely little bite marks that are peeking out of his collar. And the best thing is, all of them are wearing hats. At breakfast. Not everyone knows why. Regulus does.
“Oh my god! This is amazing”, Barty cheered, “fucking look at their faces! This is pathetic, I love it!”, he laughs loudly while holding onto Evans’ shoulder, who is currently trying to compose his laughter. Dorcas, who managed to keep a straight face until now, inspects their faces and promptly bursts out laughing.
“Oh, this is the best day of my life. They look absolutely pitiful!”, she bellows.
Regulus finds himself agreeing. They do look pitiful with their hats and the rashes, but most of all the expressions on their faces. Hah. This is brilliant. So much for Karma.
“Potter looks like a kicked puppy! A really ugly kicked puppy, though!”, Evan says, his mouth turning up at the corner. Evan’s right. He does.
Sirius has a thunderous expression on his face. Pettigrew looks embarrassed, and Lupin…?
Well… He doesn’t seem to care all that much. Fair. He goes through worse things every month after all. And yes, Regulus found out about him and his beasty side. He’s observant. Not that he told anyone about it, though. He might not like him, but it’s not his to tell. Why would he? He’s never attacked anyone now, has he?
Also, Lupin… Well, he’s nice like Panda said. Maybe not nice but they get along just fine on their prefect patrols. He never tries to talk to him, only if necessary. Regulus likes that. There’s some silent understanding between them, somehow.
Probably not anymore though, considering that the werewolf is looking straight at him. Regulus is still laughing so that’s not a good look on him, but honestly? They did the same to him, so he can’t be bothered. Lupin looks away just as Professor McGonagall approaches them. She gives them a look, tells them something which causes their faces to fall. She leaves. They take their hats of.
Wait. They take their hats of! The entire Slytherin house promptly bursts out laughing again seeing their green and silver hair. Combined with the red rash? It looks godly. Regulus’ eyes tear up, because he’s laughing so hard. He needs to catch his breath. Oh, this was a good idea. He’s a genius, clearly.
---
“It was you, wasn’t it?” Lupin asks him later that day when they meet up for patrol. A curious look on his face. Not a genius then. Shit. Okay, he can do this. He’s a good liar.
“What do you mean, exactly?”, he retorts coldly, arms crossed and walking stiffly, “The hair you mean? I thought you dyed it yourself. Shame you got rid of it. It looked lovely.” Lupin stares at him.
“You know, you’re just like him sometimes.”, he sighs, shaking his head with a tiny smile on his face.
“We deserved it though, so I can’t exactly blame you. The others do; though they suspect Snape and Avery. They’re freaking out because they constantly imagine them sneaking up on us while we were asleep. A bit creepy, that. They’re currently setting up alarms in the dorm.”, he chuckles, sounding fond.
“Hm.”, Regulus hums, sounding indifferent, “And you haven’t told them you suspect me?” He glances curiously at the taller boy, whose hair is back to normal. The rash is gone too. Just the scars and his eyebags remain. He looks tired.
“No, I haven’t. Wouldn’t do much good anyway.”, he mutters, staring into the corridor in front of them. “Why’d you do it?”, he adds. Regulus scoffs.
“Why’d you do it”, he imitates him in a mocking tone. Lupin smirks down at him. Regulus sneers: “First of all, it wasn’t me. Secondly, whoever did that probably did it to get back at you. Not that I can blame them. Yesterday I had to comfort crying first years who were covered in mandrake pus. I. Me! I don’t know how to comfort people! They’re new here. They’re scared. It’s their first month at this school, which is supposed to be their home. The first thing they find out: People hate them just because of what a hat said and other people laugh at them when they’re getting pranked because of it. Well fuck you! It’s not funny. It’s horrible. At least they only pranked you guys, not the first years who have nothing to do with this. And, by the way, everything they did to you, you did to us first in case you didn’t notice.”
Regulus takes a deep breath, composes himself and looks Lupin straight in the eyes. They stopped walking. Lupin looks… shocked? No, that’s not it. He’s baffled more like.
“Huh. I never really looked at it from that perspective”, he bashfully admits after a small pause. “It makes sense. We shouldn’t have involved them. I’m sorry. Really. I’ll talk to the others about it. We’ll just prank the people we actually wanna prank then. It’s gonna be more work but…”, he looks at Regulus again, “I never meant to do that. Makes me sound awful and reckless, I know, but I honestly didn’t think about that at all. I’m sure the others didn’t either. We won’t do it again. Sorry. “
“Well… Good.”, Regulus replies at loss of anything better to say. That was not the outcome he expected. But… Well, it is what he wanted, isn’t it? Lupin considers him for a beat, then turns back around and starts walking again. They continue their patrol. The quiet understanding is back then. Great.