James Potter was beautiful, in every category of the word Sirius could think of. Under many other people’s view points James Potter would not be seen as a beautiful and perfect boy but, see, Sirius Black did not give a flying fuck what others thought of James because James didn’t give a fuck either. A trait-amongst many-that Sirius admired of him.
See, as James had explained to Sirius, He was not born as a boy but spent his childhood feeling like one instead of feeling like a girl. So Sirius had a special admiration when it came to James. Sometime he just couldn’t understand how he continued to live like the fucking sun when he had to deal with stupid individuals who just can’t seem to mind their business when it comes to the whereabouts of someone’s dick. Anyways the point was that James Potter was perfect in every way.
Now why was Sirius laying in their bed thinking about James while the biggest party of the year roared downstairs? Well, it could be because Sirius was undoubtedly falling in love with James and did not want to deal with the torture of having him whisper in their ear due to the loud music just for the words he was saying to be another one of his plans to “Woo” Lily Evans. The other reason why James being a perfect boy kept coming in his mind was because Sirius was not a perfect boy, mainly due to the fact that Sirius was 75 ish% sure that they were not a boy at all.
Don’t get them wrong, sure they enjoyed being a boy some of the time; but sometimes they would see their female classmates and wish that they could be what they were. And, well, sometimes Sirius just felt fucking confused about the entire concept of gender, Like who decided to make it all so difficult!
A knock on the door interrupts Sirius from their thought ramble.
“Pads, you still in here?” Remus’s voice cuts through the room.
Sirius draws open their bed curtains and walks over to unlock the door, trying to unwrinkle their clothes in the process which proves unsuccessful.
“Why aren’t you down at your party?” Remus asks as Sirius steps into the hallway.
“We literally won the quidditch cup and you’re hiding away in the dorms mate.”
“Just tired I guess” Sirius huffs back
Remus hiccups. “Well then get untired, Get drunk!” He chuckles and gives a spin, definitely high off his ass and drunk as well.
Sirius just moves past him to get a drink.
****
Twenty whole minutes Sirius has been at this party and they have already drunk 3 mystery drinks that have been handed to them.
They didn’t know what their plan was for the night but getting absolutely smashed seemed like a good first step.
So obviously the next logical step would be to dance in the crowd filled with girls in short dresses and boys in even shorter tops, Yes dancing seems good.
Hot bodies hit agents them as people moved to what Sirius believed was an ABBA song. Another two mystery drinks were held in their hands-they had no idea where they got them from- and as a person made a quite aggressive dance move to their left the drink sloshed onto their shirt and left a giant murky blue stain in the white fabric. Fuck. And you know what they do? They fucking laugh for some reason.
A pair of arms wrapped around Sirius and the person does a little shake of them both.
“What’r you laughing at mate?” James' head leans closer onto Sirius shoulder, mouth right at their ear.
They crane their neck to face James, not wanting him to let go but also not wanting his mouth that close. “Spilled some weird blue drink all over myself.”
God. James must be even more drunk than them because he turns Sirius around to fully face him and leans to smell-literally sniffs-Sirius’s shirt.
“Smells like some muggle liquor to me, just take it off so you don’t turn blue.”
Sirius actually had to think if James was being serious because, excuse me? Did James Potter just ask him to strip like it was an average Tuesday conversation? He scanned James' face and that’s when he noticed the shirt.
On James' body sat a plain white t-shirt, the color was no problem. But the length. The shirt was so short that it barely covered his chest and Sirius was sure that if he lifted his arms even slightly you could see the pink scars on his upper chest. Oh how Sirius just wanted to take their hands and wrap them around James’ waist and pull him close and kiss him and-Nope. Absolutely not, Sirius was staring now. With their mouth half open.
Get it together Sirius. They mentally smacked their brain into starting.
Now James was staring at him. He wrapped his arm around Sirius’s shoulder, and just as they thought, the shirt rode up to basically cover nothing. Sirius sputtered into their drink. What this man did to Sirius should be studied and written about.
Then James had brought Sirius over to get another drink, something less blue he had said. And during this maybe 2 meter walk James’ arm had slipped down from their shoulder and was now resting against their hip bones, grabbing Sirius' waist as he pulled them to the alcohol. That might have been the longest walk of Sirius's life. The next hour was a blur because whatever James had given him was strong.
They danced. Drank. Laughed. Played two rounds of spin the bottle. Drank. Somehow convinced Pete to do a freestyle rap to Bowie. And Drank. And drank.
Somehow the party was still roaring at three o’clock. Gryffindor had won the house cup, of course they partied, but Sirius was getting exhausted. They pushed through the dancing bodies until they located James at the other end, sitting on one of the red couches nodding along to the music. When he saw Sirius a huge smile tore across his face and Sirius worried he’d rip his cheek open from it.
“Siri!” James had sung the words but was definitely too drunk to find a tune.
When Sirius finally made it over to the couch James had smiled again and then to Sirius's surprise seized them by their waist and pulled them down on top of him. On top of him. Holy fucking Christ. Sirius was sitting on James lap. And James was still smiling like this was a normal thing he did all the time. It was not. And Sirius was freaking out.
James rested his head on top of Sirius’ and they stayed like that for a bit. Just sitting and listening to the music, and of course Sirius was still internally freaking the fuck out.
Then suddenly James turned towards them and his face got serious, like he sobered up all at once.
“I love you.” Was what came from James mouth
In a friendly way, right? Sirius just laughed and hoped it was a friendly way, but they also really hoped otherwise.
“No, No, Sirius.” James poked them between their brows
“I love you. Like in a ‘I would marry you if you asked me way’”
What.
James had to be joking, just joking with them or something.
“Mate, you can’t just say that!”
He sprung up from James’ lap.
“Why?” James looked at him all innocently.
“Because I’m gay, James. And you shouldn’t joke about being inlove with me!” There was definitely panic in their voice. Why was James playing this stupid joke.
“Yes Sirius I know. And I am inlove with you.” James sounded almost irritated. “If you don’t fucking like me then just say that.”
What!
Why was James dragging out the joke. It wasent even fucking funny anymore. Or at all for that matter.
“James, just stop. Seriously I don’t know who told you, if it was Remus or Peter, but its not funny anymore James and I’m not falling for it. Everyone knows your inlove with Evans, I get it she’s perfect but there's no need to flirt with me because she rejected you again. God James, it's really just not funny!”
Their last words seemed to hit James like a slap across the face and he physically shifted backwards.
“What are you not understanding?” James muttered.
And then it happened. In one fluid movement James was up from the couch and then his hand was on Sirius's neck. And then he was kissing them.
Oh. Oh.
Fuck.
Had James really not been joking? Was he really inlove with them? What about Lily? Wasn't James head over heels. And what about if he really did like them? How was Sirius supposed to tell him that he wasn't a boy? Then what if James changed his mind.
They were going to throw up.
And then they did.
All that nights alcohol had come up at once, taking Sirius from their standing to their knees in seconds. If their shirt wasn’t ruined before it definitely was now, the couch got the most of it though.
James was next to them on the floor trying to pull them up by the arm and get them to a toilet. This was probably the most mortifying experience they had ever experienced.
So Sirius did what they do best. They ran. Ripped their arm away from James and just ran for it. Through the dancers and up the stairs and back into their dorm where they should’ve stayed the whole time and then practically ripped the bathroom door open because apparently their stomach couldn’t handle everything at once.
They sank to the floor next to the toilet, gagging but nothing came up. So they sat there. Room spinning. Until they were shaking and resorted to laying on the cold tile.
And that’s how James found him, of course James found him. He always did.
“Sirius? Siri, are you ok?” James stood above him, brows furrowed.
They started coughing again. It was like the idea of James caring made them heave. But Sirius had no choice but to let him care because they now had their head in the toilet again, sputtering and spitting up whatever food they had eaten that day. James was holding their hair back and rubbing their back like he couldn’t care less that he had confessed his love and Sirius had immediately thrown up.
When they were sure everything was done Sirius had turned back towards James, sweaty puffy face looking more sober and more confused than the entire night.
“Why me?” Sirius whispered
“I thought you liked Lily?”
“Evans?” James face now had a matching look of confusion
“Siri, that was years ago!” He let out a small chuckle
“But why me?”
He sighed, “I honestly don’t know, Maybe a part of me has always wanted it to be you. But you're so perfect and I’m just like ‘how is he so amazing’. And I think sometime between 5th year and February I finally realized that not everyone looks at their best friend and wants to kiss them.”
“I’m not a guy.” There it was, all out in the open
“So like if that makes you not like me that’s fine with me but like I do like you too so I’d probably be a little depressed but if you changed your mind it's really fine trust me, but yeah I’m not. Or at least not all the time, I don’t really know, but I guess I prefer feminine things. Honestly I don’t know why I’m saying so much or why I can’t stop talking or catch my breath and, wow, who knew I could talk so-.” They were cut off by James hand gently cupped over their mouth.
“It's ok Siri, I don’t care. I love you. Whoever you are.” He removed his hand from Sirius’ mouth and brought it to caress their face.
“Wow.” They laughed to themselves, “So I really just ruined our first kiss over nothing? I feel awkward now.”
“If it makes you feel better I think our Moony-boy is fucking someone out in the dorms.” James offered with a shrug.
“He is what!” Sirius laughed. “You're kidding. I ran right past them!”
James has tears down his face from laughing. “Imagine the looks on their faces, oh that must have been so funny!”
“Well I really am just a big idiot aren’t I?”
“Yeah” James smiles that face splitting smile again. “Now come here and kiss me for fucks sake you big idiot.”
And with James’ face like that they just had to. So they crossed the small distance between them and pressed their lips to his. It was perfect.
They were half kissing and half just laughing into each other's mouths, but it was perfect.
Now, Sirius had kissed other people before, but not like this. Sirius was pretty sure this ruined every other possible kiss with somebody forever. Which they were fine with because if they got to just kiss James for the rest of their life they would live long and happy.
When they both pulled away with heavy breaths and swollen lips James had looked at him once again with his cheek splitting, sun eating smile. And, yeah, if Siri’s only ever kissed James for the rest of their lives they would probably end up with a matching smile. Perfect.