He was laying on the couch now, dark hair splayed out in a fan across to cushions. He was laughing at something Mary was saying, but James was almost entirely sure he had no idea what he was laughing at.
He had been watching Sirius from a distance all night, they were all still mad at him, or at least the other three marauders were. The girls knew that something was up, James had heard as much from Marlene’s interrogation before today's quidditch game, but they didn’t really know anything.
They didn’t know about Remus’s… condition, or about Sirius’s betrayal. All they knew was that Remus had started avoiding every other person like the plague, that Sirius was constantly chasing after him and beating himself up, and that James and Peter were on Remus’ side. What they didn’t realize yet, was how Snape had all of a sudden started leaving them all alone, and how he watched Remus every time he saw him as if he would jump out and tear him to shreds at any minute.
James had been so distracted he had struggled in the game, even one of his fellow chasers had pointed it out to him quite bluntly afterward. They still won anyway, but it was more difficult than it should have been, Ravenclaws team was shit this year. (Which wasn’t a rude thing to say really since it was a fact, everyone knew it.) So here James is at the celebration party, watching his best-friend-slash-brother-by-soul get shitfaced drunk and when he should be partying. (But James’ stupid conscious is worried about Sirius getting alcohol poisoning, which isn’t a wild possibility since it had happened before.) James had barely talked to him this last week, Sirius was still around, of course, they shared most classes and a bedroom, but that didn’t mean James had to acknowledge him every second of every day as he had done before. It hurt him to treat his brother like this, but it hurt him even more to know that Sirius had so blatantly betrayed Moony like that.
Of course he rarely ever saw Remus either, he hid away from them all, ate meals alone showing up late and leaving early, and the only evidence he had ever actually been in their room to sleep at night was how his ruffled sheets changed shape every morning. Of course James and Pete had tried to find him, but the fucker had taken the map with him. James’s guess was the library or Madam Pomfrey's office, and if not than in his own hiding spots he had found over the years, the start of the map in the first place.
The lights at the party are bright, and the air stinks of cheap alcohol with a hint of cigarette smoke. Normally Sirius would be standing with James, but now they were separate, and if Sirius had one more drink James had no doubt he would throw up everything, and James really didn’t want to clean that up, he had enough on his plate. Against his better judgement he walks over, crouching down in front of Sirius’s hysterical face.
“Hi prongs,” he slurs and turns his face over, “isn’t Mary just the funniest.” James can see the emptiness behind the drunk haze in his eyes. Sirius has also never once called Mary funny, because even if or when she was he would never admit it, he is so far gone.
“Come on Padfoot, let’s get you to bed yeah?” James helps Sirius sit up, who sways gently on the couch before practically slumping against James’s side once they stand up.
“I’ve got him,” James looks over and smiles at Mary, who just smiles back and waves him off before going back and talking to some fourth year sitting on another chair across from them.
“Do you- hick- think Moony is gonna be in the room Prongs?” He asks as they slowly head toward the staircase. He almost sounds pathetic. That’s as good a word as any.
“No Pads, I don’t think he will be.” James tightens his grip around Sirius’s waist as he leans more against him and lets out some sort of groan as an answer. Because while Sirius is shorter than James, he still is pulling him down with his weight. They start up the stairs, James having to practically pull the leach up every step himself, when Sirius starts to mumble.
“I just wan a tell him how s-sorry I am. I didn’ wannna t-to hurt him, you know?” He’s almost unintelligible, slurring his words and skipping syllables. But he’s so intentional with his words, because he needs someone to hear it. Perhaps after being ignored for so long he feels it’s his only chance to be heard, or perhaps he’s too drunk to even realize what he’s saying. “I’m so horrible Prongs, so so bad. I’m bad.” Tears fill his eyes, “I’m- I’m just like them, aren’t I? I’m so horrible…” James just tightens his grip to open their dorm door.
“No. You made a mistake.” Closes the door behind him. “But he needs time, you aren’t bad, you just did a bad thing.” He leads Sirius to his bed. Unmade as always with unopened school textbooks shoved underneath. “And you aren’t like you family either, you are far from it.” James catches a glimpse of something sticking out from underneath Sirius’ pillow.
“Do you ever think- Moony will… will he ever forgive me?” Sirius is just sitting there now, on the edge of his bed, retreating into himself. James’s heart is aching for his friend, he is mad at Sirius, but he also loves him. “I don’t want him to hate me anymore, I couldn’t take him hating me. I could never hate him. Never.” And maybe that’s exactly what he needs right now. Love.
“Hey, Padfoot. Look up at me, okay?” He starts picking at his black nail polish, refusing to look up. So James goes down to his level, crouching in front of his knees. “Sirius,” finally he looks up to meet James’s eyes, the once shiny silver of them has dulled, now his eyes are just pits of grey. “I can’t say what Remus is feeling, that’s up to him to tell us. And he hasn’t been speaking to me much either, mate.”
“But, but you didn’t do anything.” Sirius's bottom lip starts to quiver, “if he isn’t talking to you then how can you prove he will talk to me.” He almost seems to come back to himself now, his drunk self giving him the courage to say what his sober self never could.
“I uh-” James really doesn’t know what to say, because that is true. Why would Remus talk to his betrayer if he isn’t even talking to the ones on his side. “I don’t know. But I do know that we love him, so we just have to come back to us, yeah? Can we try and do that?” Maybe this is the best he can do for Sirius right now, make a plan.
Something changes in Sirius now, in his face, less hopeless and more desperate, James tries to think about what he said to make this change. It’s far from what he expected, instead of getting looser Sirius tensed up.
“No. No, no, no.” He starts shaking his head, talking to himself more than anyone else. “No, you don’t get it. Prongs you don’t get it, no. No you don’t get it, Jamie.” He looks back up. And James is shocked by the use of the old nickname, James hadn’t been Jamie since year three. Just James, until the beginning of this year when he became Prongs.
But Moony had always been Moony he supposed, Moony had been Moony since year two when they found out his secret. When they promised to look out for him, when they promised to always be by his side when Remus was so scared they would reveal his secret and turn their backs on him, exiling him from wizarding society forever. And they kept their word all this time, until Sirius had broken it. The only ones knowing being the marauders, and maybe Lily, he saw the look she gave when Remus had to leave for the infirmary before every full moon, as if she figured it out herself and was just as scared for him as he was for himself. But even now, with Snivilus being sworn to secrecy, he still knew, and who knew what he would do. Remus had every right to be scared.
“What, Sirius? What don’t I get?” James held Sirius’s hands tight in his own, squeezing them through his trembling and shaking.
“Because, I love him, James.”
Why wouldn’t James get that? Everybody loves Remus.
“I know Pads, we all do, we love him very much.” He rubs his thumbs over Sirius’s wrists, his pulse is beating dangerously fast.
“No, no, no.” Sirius just shakes his head harder, “no, you don’t get it. Because, because we all love Remus. And I love you and I love Pete and I love Lily and Mary and Marlene and Reg, I do, I do. But I love Moony. Like, how you love Li-” he stops for a second, realizing what he is about to say, James realizes it too, but stops his head from realing for a second to stay in the moment, he will let himself be shocked later, if he even is. Because wasn’t it obvious? “It’s different how I love him. Not like how I love you, or Pete, or… or anyone else. I love him like…” his eyes furrow in thought, “like he’s the moon. Yeah, he’s the moon. He’s big and bright and beautiful and he’s special. Anyone can be the sun, but Moony is the Moon. The Sun is great and cool and whatever, but the moon? The moon is everything. Moony takes up space that he feels bad for but he shouldn’t, because if he didn’t take up space it would just be empty. He’s the center of the sky like he’s the only thing you can look at.” He gets a faraway look in his eyes, glancing toward the curtain drawn window, “sometimes that is all I want to do. Look at the moon.”
James just keeps holding Sirius’s hands tightly and watches his friend, staring at the dark red curtains with tears in his eyes, or perhaps he is looking at the side, the small place where the curtains are slightly too small to cover where the light shines through, casting a glare over a sliver of the room. He watches Sirius who now seems to be in his own world, where only one thing matters, the moon.
How didn’t he notice earlier? He can remember how his parents always told him that “some people love differently, and that’s okay. Just because it’s different doesn’t make it bad, and what about love can be anything but good.” And he knew that some boys liked boys and some girls liked girls. But Sirius? Sirius, who flirted with every pretty girl who walked by, took a new girl to Hogsmeade every weekend, and received more ‘meet me in the astronomy tower ;)’ notes than all of them and then actually went. It took a second for James to wrap his head around it, because Sirius had always been obsessed with girls, and Remus was a boy.
But then James saw it. The way Sirius’s eyes lit up whenever Remus laughed, how antsy he was to see Remus after every full moon, practically bouncing on his feet until Madam Pomfrey said it was okay for them to go in and see him. How Sirius watched Remus as if he was the center of the universe, he had just said as much a minute ago. How the first person he would ask about his hair or his outfit was Remus, and how he took every single thing Remus said as if it was gold on a platter. How he secretly transfigured almost all the pieces of silver he had found in the school into tin after they saw the burn an old piece of jewelry had left on Remus’ hand, until he got caught by Minnie and was told to cut it out. The way Sirius smiled when Remus did, they way he intently watched when Remus would get excited about some little fact or another and spit out everything he knew, Sirius would hold on to every word long after Pete and James got tired of trying to keep up.
Of course Sirius loves Remus. Who else could it possibly be?
“I’m going to sleep. It’s too cloudy tonight.” Sirius sighed and laid down, the tears from his eyes had made two little lines down his cheeks, clearing away the dirt from the day.
“Okay Sirius. Sleep tight.” But he was already asleep.
James pulled his blanket over him before he stood up and got a glass of water and two painkillers for Sirius’s bedside table. And a bucket from under their sink, just in case. Sirius just kept sleeping on, the tears stopped and his breath evened out, light snores that only ever came out when he was drunk, or hungover. James wondered if Sirius would even remember any of this in the morning, if he would deem that he had just told James his biggest secret. Probably not, but it still might have been good for him to get off his chest, or at least James hopes so.
The light from the window caught on something shiny, the chain sticking out from Sirius’s pillow. He slowly reached to grab it, sliding it out from its hiding spot and into his hand carefully.
That’s when he realized what it was, a necklace, and he had seen it before. It was a thin chain, the center held a small black star. Too dark to reflect much light back. Last time he saw it, it was a month ago, it was hung around Remus’s neck, when he was in a rush to change after sleeping in. Usually Remus changed in the bathroom, hiding his scars though they had all already seen them many times, but he had been so tired he must have stopped caring for a moment. And there the necklace had been, hanging loose around his neck, the pendant dangling in the center of his chest. James hadn’t thought much of it then, but now he did. The necklace that always hid under Remus’s shirts, how hidden under Sirius’s pillow.
Maybe there was more to it than that. Something else that James had missed. What else was there to it, there had to be something behind that, but whatever it was sat just out of James’ reach. How much didn’t James know? How much had he missed? He wanted to shake Sirius awake, ask him more, how long have you loved moony? Is this a gift from you that he gave back? Does he know how you feel? Will he ever? But James had the feeling that the answers to those questions were getting further and further away. That if there ever was an answer, it too was hiding, and sinking away.
The door opened and the sounds of the party drifted into the room before being cut off again when the door closed. James looked up and found Remus a few feet away in the doorway, looking just as tired as he did last time James had seen him, at breakfast.
“Hi.” James' voice was quiet, to not wake Sirius up, and to not scare Remus away.
He got a better glance at him now, standing so close. His eyes weren’t only tired, but empty, dry from locking away his emotions. His hair fell flatter than it had, curls looser and more frizzy than they had been in years, since Sirius forced him to take care of them. He almost seemed to have lost weight, his face thinner and robes looking looser, he had been skipping meals. Remus saw what was in James’ hand, his eyes boring through his palm like a laser.
“Where did you get that?” His voice was raw, as if he hadn’t spoken a word all day, and perhaps, he hadn’t. It was a Saturday, they didn’t have classes so who knows where he had been all day, from how pale he was James guessed It had been somewhere dark. He must not have properly been in the sun for days.
“Under Padfoot's pillow.” James gestured loosely to where their friend was in bed, out like a rock and dead to the world. He saw the look in Remus’ eyes now, a familiar one he had seen in Sirius’ not quite ten minutes before.
Desperation.
And then it was gone in a second and he was a blank canvas again.
“The bastard can keep it.” He walked towards his own bed, but he stopped right before the curtains to look at James, “whatever it used to mean… it’s too late now.”
And he steps into his bed and James can see the curtains stick with a locking charm, and hears Remus’ breathing stop behind a silencing charm.
Leaving James to wonder whatever it is that Remus had meant.