I'll burn down every cobweb through the hallway to your heart
Darling there's no use in hiding I want all of you not just parts
If you're face down tryna tread the water
You know you can climb my shoulders if you need
Darling you're safe with me
~ Safe With Me by Ike Dweck
James
It's been years since James Potter felt okay. Not that anyone was aware of that. He always walked around with the brightest smile and laughed the loudest laugh. Everyone knew him as "the happy one", the carefree one, the one without any problems or worries in life.
That's how James himself wanted to be perceived. See, he was terrified of anyone finding out about the everlasting heavy weight on his shoulders and the constantly spreading darkness in his heart. The years of practice allowed him to hide, to pretend. Nobody suspected a thing. Everyone was so used to him being happy (in their eyes), that they stopped asking him about how he was feeling or whether anything was wrong. He was James Potter after all. Nothing could be wrong.
It was always James who took care of others, never the other way around. That was just how the world worked. Everyone came to James for help - both his friends and people, who he had barely ever seen before. That was his role. That was his purpose. James made sure to live up to it. He always pushed his emotions away, in favour of helping other people.
Honestly, he was exhausted. But that made him feel so fucking guilty. He wasn't supposed to get tired. That was wrong. What if somebody needed help? What if Sirius had another meltdown? What if Lily was upset about her sister again? What if Remus was stressed? Who was supposed to fix that? James of course. So no, he couldn't be tired. That wasn't allowed. Not for him.
~~~~~~~~~~~
It was a Friday evening and James was sitting in the Gryffindor common room along with Sirius, Remus, Peter, Lily, Mary and Marlene. They'd been sitting there for a few hours already - engaging in a long conversation, full of abrupt changes in topics.
And frankly, James had zoned out a long time ago - pretending to be listening, humming in response, and nodding his head along. He tried to be present, to listen in. He really fucking tried. But that was no use. Every time he switched his brain on, all of the negative thoughts flowed back into his mind and made him want to bang his head against the wall, until his skull shattered. So no, he couldn't afford to think. Not when everyone was there. Not when someone could see him. Actually see him. Not just the ever present smile that lost its authenticity a very long time ago.
Luckily, nobody noticed a thing.
After some time, James registered people getting up and heading to their respective dorms. He shot a quick "Goodnight ladies! Sweet dreams!" at the girls and followed his dormmates up the stairs.
Not long after, the boys were going to bed with a "goodnight" passed around the room. James closed the curtains around his bed, putting a strong silencing spell on them.
Everything went quiet. Dead fucking silent.
It was both overwhelming and relieving. He was left alone with his thoughts, but at least there weren't any external demands and expectations looming over him.
Oh, but the thoughts were loud. Self-hatred poured in from all sides. The constant "worthless, pathetic, stupid, ugly, fat, disgusting" ringing in his ears. He started scratching his arms with his nails. Until it stung, until he drew blood. But that wasn't enough.
James opened a tiny secret drawer in his bed frame and took out his blade. Just the feeling of holding it in his hands, brought a sort of relief. He pulled up his sleeves, revealing his forearms and buried the blade deep in his flesh. He dragged it across, repeating the movement time and time again.
Soon enough he started feeling lightheaded, so he hid the blade and proceeded to clean the wounds. He took his time, making sure to put several glamour spells atop and clean up the space around him. James laid back down on the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling, while silent tears rapidly flowed down his cheeks.
It had become a routine of sorts for James. The cutting serving as both a gift and a punishment. The physical pain cleared his mind, if only for a little bit. It was soothing in a way, calming the thoughts, easing the anxiety that was nestled in his stomach. It allowed him a moment of peace. He also knew that he deserved the pain. It was the bare minimum of what he had to do to punish himself for all the mistakes he'd done and all the flaws he had. And there were plenty of those.
The need to escape, in the form of death, often circled around his mind. The thought always present in the hidden corners of his head. Oh, how he'd longed for it. Yet he knew he didn't deserve the peace death brought. He deserved to suffer, to hurt. Not eternal rest. That's why he never went through with the countless plans he made. Plans to end it all. To release him from the horrors life kept throwing at him.
~~~~~~~~~~~
James didn't sleep that night. To be honest, he hadn't slept properly in weeks. Despite the tiredness, he was rarely able to. So it wasn't much of a surprise to him. He put on his most convincing smile and got out of bed.
It was a Hogsmeade weekend. A few years ago, that would've made him fucking ecstatic. But now... now he just felt empty. Actually, both empty and full of overwhelming anxiety and relentless thoughts. That seems to be contradictory, but that's how James felt all the time lately. So he'd decided to stay. Finding excuses in the form of Quidditch practice and studying. Not that those weren't true - he was in fact planning on doing that, when everyone was out. It just wasn't the reason behind his decision. But nobody was supposed to know, what that was.
His weekend was quite uneventful. He spent hours on the pitch, training, until he couldn't move his limbs. The rest of the days were spent in the library, trying to complete every assignment and revising lesson material. He helped some first-years along the way. Explaining the bits of homework they didn't understand or calming those, who missed their families.
At night, James' blade kept him company. At least he got about 2 hours of sleep, both on Saturday and Sunday. So that was a success.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Monday came around, meaning James had to endure the presence of a shit ton of people, while putting on the most convincing act of being happy. Everything would be fine, it had to be.
It turned out to not being fine after all. To phrase it lightly, his day was horrible. Life really fucking hated him, didn't it?
He woke up with a massive headache, but pretended it wasn't there. He couldn't bother anyone. What was a headache, comparing to what Moony had to go through on a monthly basis? Exactly - nothing. He was just being dramatic, as always.
Pathetic. Attention whore. Waste of space.
So he put on his usual giant grin on and went down to the Great Hall, together with his fellow Gryffindors.
He didn't eat anything. He couldn't. He wasn't allowed to. He didn't deserve to.
James just drank a black coffee (so as to not doze off during classes), while chatting away with his friends.
Nobody noticed. Good.
"See, they don't care about you" he thought. "And they surely agree that you need to lose weight. They're just too nice to say it to your face". They should.
James hadn't really eaten in weeks (if not months at this point), not properly anyway. He slowly (but steadily) decreased his food intake, until all he ate was a bit of vegetables, once every few days, so he wouldn't raise suspicion. Not that anyone would notice anyway. But he had to make sure.
First class of the day was double Potions. His worst class. James always struggled with it, but it's gotten worse in the last two years or so. Oh, and they had it with the Slytherins. Wonderful. Not only did they hate James, but he was also completely, pathetically in love with Regulus (yes, his best friend's brother), one of whose best friends was in James' year. Every time he laid eyes on Dorcas, he was reminded of his undying crush (for the last five years or so) and how he didn't deserve to even feel that way towards the boy.
So yeah, fun.
The Marauders, as always, sat together at the back of the class. Today was group work. That was nice, right? What could go wrong, right?
Oh, James was so naive.
Everything started out alright. They had to prepare Draught of Living Death. They had almost completed it. Almost. Last step: stir seven times anti-clockwise. Simple, right? Well, not when someone is as fucking stupid as James Potter, apparently. He got distracted, stirring clockwise. That was until the substance started bubbling uncontrollably, spilling out of the cauldron.
James froze.
Then came a familiar voice. "It says ANTI-clockwise, boy" Slughorn sighed loudly. James snapped out of his trance and turned to his friends with an apologetic expression, only to see anger painted on each of their faces.
"Really, James?" "We were so close and you fucked it up." "You know this one was actually really important." his friends fired at him one after another, whilst in the background he could hear the Slytherins laughing.
"Fuck, I'm- I'm so sorry. I got distracted. I know that's not an excuse. I'm sorry. Maybe you shouldn't work with me next time." James sputtered. They just gave him an annoyed look, turned around and started talking in hushed voices. James quickly cleaned up his mess, just as the class came to an end. He darted out the classroom and rushed to the bathroom. Casting a silencing charm, he fell down to his knees, full on sobbing.
Stupid. A failure. A disappointment.
He felt sick. Doubling over the toilet, he threw up whatever was in his stomach (considering that he hadn't eaten anything in the last couple of days).
James sat there for a while, tears still heavily streaming down his face. He felt tired. So fucking tired. But he cleaned himself up as thoroughly as possible, dissolved the spell and unlocked the bathroom. Luckily, no one was around, so he quickly made it to his next class.
The rest of his lessons were (thankfully) uneventful. He didn't have a lot of them on Mondays, so there was still quite a lot of time left until dinner. He decided to go for a run. Maybe it would help him clear his head a bit? Probably no, but at least he'd get some exercise in.
The weather was quite nice that day. James ran for a while, his limbs feeling extremely heavy. He felt dizzy and before he knew it, he fell to the ground. He opened his eyes to the sound of laughter. Soon a few pairs of feet approached him. He looked up.
Mulciber. Because of course it was. Together with some of his asshole friends.
"Can't even stand up straight, can you? You're pathetic Potter! Not so confident without your friends, are you? Merlin, you're hopeless!" Mulciber sneered. That was accompanied with a strong kick in James' stomach. Followed by loud sniggers coming from the whole group standing above him. James didn't even have the energy to say or do anything. So he just lay there, until the others got bored and strode off.
"That's what you deserve, you worthless piece of shit" he kept thinking. He got up, when he felt confident enough that he wouldn't fall back down, and went up to his dorm.
Upon reaching the Gryffindor tower, he plastered the biggest, brightest smile he could master and entered the common room. To James' surprise, it was completely empty. Or so he thought at first at least. He soon noticed the hunched figure of a sobbing Lily Evans in the corner. He quickly made his way to her and crouched beside her.
"What happened? How can I help?" James asked, only to be met with an angry "leave me alone". He flinched, then quickly apologised and practically ran to his dorm.
The guys didn't seem to want to talk to him, so he launched himself onto the bed, closed the curtains and fell asleep. When he woke up and peered out from the curtains, it was dark outside. He tried to go back to sleep, but with no success. Memories from the day came flooding back. He suddenly felt like he was being suffocated. It felt as if though something had clotted his respiratory tract, making it impossible to take a full breath. His heart started beating rapidly, trying to get out of it's cage.
James slipped out from bed and checked the map, making sure that the astronomy tower was deserted. He knew Regulus sometimes went there during the night, but always at an earlier hour. Which meant he wouldn't be there that night. Perfect. Taking his invisibility cloak out of his trunk and throwing it over himself, James quietly left the Gryffindor tower. Right before stepping out the dorm, he pocketed the hidden sharp tool.
The walk towards the astronomy tower was peaceful, without any interference. James made his way up the spiral staircase, took off his cloak and sat down near the edge. He looked across the school grounds, taking big breaths to calm down. After a few minutes, his breath seemed to have slowed down to a pace that was bearable.
He wanted to cry. He really did. Yet his body seemed to refuse. So he just sat there, expression blank.
Almost automatically, he pulled the blade out of his pocket and rolled up his sleeves. It was a practiced movement by now. The blade being dragged across scarred skin, over and over again. Blood dripping down onto the floor.
As bad as it sounds, the throbbing in his arms made him feel alive. As he looked down, he knew he'd already caused a lot of damage, yet that didn't make him stop. What did however, was the very faint sound of footsteps going up the tower's staircase. He scrambled to clean up the mess as fast and best as he could, given the short timeframe he had. He just managed to wipe away the tears and roll down his sleeves, when the door opened with a small creak.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Regulus
Regulus couldn't sleep. He didn't really know why. Maybe it was the stress, caused by upcoming exams. Maybe it was the ghost of his childhood looming over him everywhere he went. Maybe it was the 'tiny' crush he'd had for the last several years on none other then James Potter himself.
Those were things he didn't allow himself to think about during the day, so naturally, when nighttime silently crawled in, his mind was suddenly bombarded with the so called 'forbidden thoughts'. He'd gotten used to it by now. That's why he spent most nights up in the astronomy tower, watching the stars and letting the peace and quiet lull him to sleep.
Seeing as this wasn't a new notion, he'd made a habit of going up to the tower right after curfew without even trying to fall asleep beforehand. He knew there was no point in trying. Today, however he'd decided to make an attempt at dozing off without the traditional expedition, due to the fact that he had an important Transfiguration test the next day. Well... let's just say - he tried. He really, really did. To no avail though.
That's why he was currently climbing the stairs of the astronomy tower much later than he normally would. As we've already established, these trips were a regular occurrence for him. What was not a regular occurrence, however was James Potter frantically collecting himself off of the floor, looking like a deer caught in headlights.
A confused "Potter?" slipped out from his lips before he could stop himself. James just stood there silently, seeming panicked.
"Potter?" he repeated with more confidence. "What are you doing here?"
James, having evidently come back to himself, replied "Nothing, don't worry about it. I was just leaving actually. Have fun stargazing or whatever it is that you do. Good night, Regulus." The sentences coming out as a rushed scramble of words, let out on a single breath. And before Regulus could reply or react in any way, he was out the door.
Regulus just stood there dumbly for a minute, a quiet "good night, James" leaving his mouth into the empty tower. He finally shook himself from the shock and took his usual place by the railing.
~~~~~~~~~~~
It had been a week since that night on the astronomy tower. As much as Regulus tried, he couldn't get the memory out of his mind. It's not even the fact that he met James (even though that in itself was a thing worth remembering). It's just how everything felt so wrong. That James on the tower wasn't the James he'd been encountering every day in the halls for years. Regulus could swear he saw tear tracks on his cheeks. Or maybe he was just going insane. But no. Something wasn't right, he was sure of it.
Regulus decided that he'd just watch James from afar for now (as if he wasn't doing that already, but that was nobody's business) and look for any worrying signs.
James didn't come to breakfast today, but Regulus didn't have to wait long to see him again. The Slytherins were standing in front of the Charms classroom, waiting for the previous class to end. Mere minutes later, the doors opened with a bang and a wave of Gryffindors flooded the hallway. Soon, the standard "Reggie!!" caught his ears, followed by the tall figure of James Potter emerging from the crowd.
"Don't call me that, Potter." came his response. The same one he gave every single time. Yet he couldn't help but notice that his voice came out a touch softer than it usually would. "What do you want?"
James seemed to have drifted off somewhere, standing there with a distant gaze. That was until someone decided to give themselves the right to intrude.
That 'someone' was Mulciber. Because of course it was. Regulus would gladly strangle him, if only that didn't cost him his place at Hogwarts.
"He can't take a hint, can he?" Mulciber said, making sure that James could hear him. "You'd think he'd understand that nobody wants him here by now. Seems he's even dumber than I'd believed. And here I thought it couldn't get any worse." That was followed by a fit of sniggers from most of the Slytherins.
Something passed through James' eyes. Guilt? Hurt? Fear? Regulus wasn't sure. He didn't have the time to investigate though, because the look was gone in an instant. If he wasn't watching James so intensely, he would've completely missed it.
"I think he understands. And that's not a good thing" was all Regulus could think.
James cleared his throat. "Right... um... duty calls! Got to go. See you around Reggi- Regulus." his voice was strained and a little unsteady, as if though it took him great effort not to break down. With that he spun around and dashed out of the corridor.
Regulus really had to restrain himself, so he wouldn't just murder Mulciber right there on the spot.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><>
James
As he turned the corner, James started full-on sprinting to the nearest bathroom. The cruel laughter ringing in his ears and the words "nobody wants you here" playing in his head like a broken record on repeat.
Luckily enough, the first bathroom he stumbled upon was the Prefects' one. That meant there was a much smaller chance of somebody walking in on him sobbing curled up on the floor.
James felt very dizzy from the running, so upon arrival, he fell ungraciously to the floor, no doubt gaining a few new bruises. Not that he really felt anything other than the rapid quickening of his breath and heartbeat.
He sat there for a long time, but eventually his breath evened out and his tears dried up. He felt his body stop shaking and fall slack. The exhaustion that suddenly fell over James was comparable to one of an athlete, who just finished running a marathon in the heat.
He knew he couldn't just go to sleep there though, so he slowly got up. Before heading out, he stopped by the mirror. Just as he'd expected, he looked horrible. The reflexion didn't show the infamous "golden boy". No, instead he locked eyes with a boy who was broken and beaten down.
James felt guilty. He wasn't supposed to be the one bawling his eyes out. He had no fucking reason to. Sure, the Slytherins were shitheads, but he had just overreacted as always. "Pathetic piece of shit" he thought to himself. They were right, nobody needed him, he was just a relentless dumbass, who couldn't take no for an answer.
~~~~~~~~~~~
That evening, James found himself at the top of the astronomy tower, yet again. He was standing near the edge of one of the windows. A bit too close for it to be casual.
James tried to think of reasons not to take that last, fatal step. But this time there wasn't any he could find. Not even the belief that he didn't deserve the peace that came with dying seemed to convince him to back away.
Nobody needs you. Nobody wants you. Just a waste of space. Too much. Not enough.
In that moment, he didn't see any other way out. And so, he lifted his right foot up, ready to step into the night.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Regulus
Night came and Regulus was on his way to the astronomy tower. Albeit a little later than normal. His mind was filled with James, James, James. Those weren't the usual pining thoughts. No, these were heavy, dark and filled with concern.
He quietly slipped in through the doors of the tower. Being lost in his head, Regulus didn't notice anyone else there. That is until he heard the large intake of breath, coming from one of the giant windows.
Regulus whipped his head up and instantly froze. James. No, no, no, no.... Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit....
He was afraid to startle him, but needed to get his attention somehow. In the softest voice he could master, he spoke up. "Potter? What are you doing?"
James visibly stiffened. Next came a wobbly reply. "Nothing Reg. Just enjoying the view, you know?" he was clearly trying to sound nonchalant. And failing miserably.
In the same soft voice, though with a tangible urgency, Regulus continued, simultaneously moving towards the window. "Can you come to me? I've been meaning to talk to you." He prayed to all the gods he didn't even believe in for this to work. It had to.
There was a moment of hesitation, but James stepped back nonetheless. He still didn't look at Regulus though. He stood there, head hung low, shoulders slumped. He looked almost small. That scared Regulus.
Regulus let out the breath he didn't even realize he was holding. "Okay. He's not at the edge anymore We can work with that." he thought to himself.
"You... you wanted to talk? To me? Did- did I do something wrong? I'm sorry if I did..." James' voice seemed to be getting more unsteady by the minute. He sounded so... guilty? Regulus guessed that was it. And he didn't like it. Whoever made James feel this way, made his beautiful smile fade away, deserved to suffer. James, of all people, deserved to be happy and loved.
Then it struck Regulus that maybe he was one of those people. Maybe he was part of the reason why James was here in the first place. That made him feel sick.
Sure, the dynamic between them had been the same for a long time. With Regulus insulting James and James never backing down, just brushing it off or teasing Regulus back. And Regulus foolishly believed that all of those mean comments didn't actually affect the other boy in any way. That James was okay with them. That he liked them.
Regulus wanted to give himself a big smack on the head for that. For idealising James to a point where he himself forgot about James' feelings. Or rather his ability to feel.
He then realised that he hadn't answered James' question, leaving him hanging, no doubt multiplying his stress. So he quickly scrambled for an answer.
"Um, no!" he said a little to loudly, making James flinch. "Sorry. I mean, no James, you didn't do anything wrong. I just wanted to ask you how you were? Are you ok?" The words came out quietly this time, his tone soft and tentative.
James looked dumbfounded. It was obvious that those weren't the words he thought he'd hear coming out of Regulus' mouth. He stood there, looking at the younger boy, as if he'd grown a second head.
Honestly? Valid.
After a moment though, he seemed to gather his wits and answered in a voice laced with false confidence. "I'm- I'm okay. Um... Why? Why do you ask?" His eyes gave away the fear he must've been feeling. Regulus saw it. There, so undeniably on display.
And honestly, what was Regulus supposed to answer to that? "Oh, you know. I've just been staring at you for the last few days. And you know, I've seen that you've been down. And well, I know that I act like I don't care, but I've actually been secretly in love with you for the last, Merlin knows how many, years." Yeah, that? That wouldn't work.
(Though can we take a minute to appreciate that Regulus finally admitted that he loved James to himself? thank you)
"James..." he started, weighing his words. He didn't want to scare him off, but he needed him to say something. "You're not... okay. And that's okay. It's okay not to be okay, yeah?" Regulus felt really out of his depth here. Helping and reassuring people was not his strong suit, for Merlin's sake.
The fear in James' eyes just seemed to strengthen, visible panic overtaking his features. "What- what do you mean? I'm fine. I have to be fine. I'm fine, Reg. I really am."
"James." was all Regulus said in return. His heart broke more with every passing minute. Seeing James this vulnerable was difficult.
"Really Reg. No need to worry about me. It's not worth it. I'll be fine." James' voice took on that gentle tone he always used when reassuring someone. Regulus didn't like that. He hated that actually. Regulus wasn't the one who was supposed to be getting reassured right now. No, that was James.
So he took a little step forward and filled the space with the same soft voice. "Hey, no. You are worth everything James. Let's try that again, yeah? How are you? What is going on?"
There was a moment of silence and then James just broke down crying. Full on sobbing, falling to the ground. Regulus was at his side in an instance. They sat down, James burying his face in Regulus' chest, most probably getting his tears and snot on his shirt. Regulus didn't care though. The only thing that mattered to him was the wellbeing of the boy currently curled up in his arms.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><>
James
They sat there for a long time. At least that's what it felt like. James couldn't be sure. But eventually the tears came to a halt and his breathing slowed.
Not long after, James was pulling away, adamantly avoiding any and all eye contact. He couldn't deal with Regulus' pity.
"Sorry." it was quiet, his voice hoarse from the melt down minutes before. "Sorry you had to see that. And sorry about you robes. They're probably disgusting now."
"Don't apologise. It's alright, I don't mind. Do you want to talk about it?" Regulus' voice still had the soft note to it that James adored, but knew he wasn't worthy of.
He just shook his head, not trusting his voice fully. He really didn't want to talk about it. The situation was bad as it was already. There was no need to rub salt into the wound.
"Okay. Do you want me to walk you back to your dorm? You should get some rest." James risked a quick glance at Regulus at that. He was met with a face full of concern.
He must be imagining that, right? There was no way Regulus was concerned about him.
"No, you don't have to. I've wasted too much of your time already." He didn't want to burden Regulus.
"You're not wasting my time, James. I promise." Regulus' words were followed by him getting up and holding out a hand for James. He was hesitant to take it, instead just staring at it.
"Well, come on. I don't have all night." Regulus joked, evidently trying to lighten the mood. James was thankful for that. He reached out, letting the other boy help him up. They dusted their robes off and proceeded to descend the stairs of the tower.
At the bottom of the stairs, James threw his invisibility cloak over the two of them and the boys started making their way to the Gryffindor tower. They walked in silence. But it wasn't the heavy, pressuring type that loomed over you like a shadow. This was the type that covered you like a warm blanket, letting you feel safe and at ease.
The walk itself wasn't too long, all things considered. Soon enough, the pair was standing in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady. They were facing eachother, looking into eachother's eyes, albeit a little awkwardly.
James was the first one to break the silence, murmuring quietly. "Thank you, Reg. For tonight. For everything."
Regulus nodded, something like a smile ghosting his lips. "Goodnight, Potter." His tone was just as quiet.
"Goodnight, Black." James replied, a small, gentle smile lighting up his face.
He watched as Regulus slid from under the cloak and retreated to the long corridor, soon after taking a turn and disappearing from his line of vision.
James sighed, the exhaustion letting itself known. He turned on his heel, whispered the password and silently climbed through the portrait hole.
~~~~~~~
Another month or so passed by. Every day, without fail, James went up to the astronomy tower and met up with Regulus. They sat there, sometimes in silence, sometimes engaging in conversation. Regulus taught James about the stars and James shared stories from his childhood. It was nice. It sparked a tiny light in James' heart. Something that was feeble, but had potential to take on the form of hope, sometime in the future.
In those moments James could tune out the endless turmoil in him mind. He could finally breathe (both literally and metaphorically).
It made the days a little more bearable. Sure, the anxiety was still ever-present, the darkness was still all-consuming, the exhaustion still constantly weighed him down, but at least he had something to look forward to.
The meet-ups were always the same. Regulus got there first (he insisted on it), James joining him not long after. They sat. They talked. The conversations were never trivial. Always just scraping the surface. James was thankful for that.
It was on this day, about a month later, that something changed. Regulus was there, sitting in the same window as always, but as James approached him and sat down opposite the boy, Regulus looked up and broke the silence. It wasn't the fact that he spoke up that was out of the ordinary. No, what he said was the problem.
"Hey, look. I know you don't want to talk about it, but what happened that night? I tried to give you the place and time to talk to me about it on your own accord. But well... we know that's not gonna happen. So talk. It'll do you good. I know we don't really know eachother, but look at it this way. Us not being close will make it less personal. And I promise I won't spread it out. Just... yeah." The words spilled out of Regulus, uncertainty hidden under a mask of confidence.
James was silent for a while.
He didn't want Regulus to know he was broken. He didn't want him to hate him even more. He didn't want Regulus to think he was weak and sick.
Then again, he needed to let those words out. He was ripping at the seams, full of thoughts that clogged his mind, making him unable to concentrate (more than usual), making him a wreck of a person.
And so, after what seemed like forever, James' blockade broke, words spilling out like a waterfall, powerful enough to brake through stone.
"I- I don't know. Everything is just too much. I'm so fucking exhausted all the damn time. I can't catch a break. But I can't show that I'm tired. That's not who I am. I'm James 'perfect' Potter, after all. So I have to smile and I have to laugh and I do. I do. But- Merlin it's exhausting. I'm not who I should be. There is this darkness inside me. This black hole that swallows everything inside me, making me unable to be happy and carefree, like I'm supposed to be. And I know that it's wrong. Like- I- I don't have the right to feel that way, right? Me with my perfect childhood and my perfect parents and my perfect friends and my perfect fucking life. And yet the darkness is just there. And I pretend. I mask it. I try. And yet it's not enough. It's never enough. I'm never enough. And yet- yet I'm always too much. Isn't it funny how a person can be both too much and not enough at the same time? I swear to Merlin, I try and I try and I try. And for fucking what? Just to disappoint myself and others around me? Great. Super. I try to be there for everyone. That's my purpose, right? And yet I keep failing at that too. I just fail and fail and fucking fail. And who am I if I'm not useful? Who am I if I can't help others? Who am I if I'm not needed? Fucking no-one. I'm just so tired. So so tired."
James was speaking quickly, as if though if he didn't say everything now, he'd never say it all.
And it was probably true.
By the end, he started hyperventilating, his voice bordering on hysterical. When he finished, he slumped down, curling into himself, wanting to disappear. It looked like a puppet having the strings it was controlled with cut, making it fall limp to the ground.
It was quiet for a while and then suddenly James felt himself being hugged quite fiercely. That came as a real shock to him. He knew it was Regulus. He could tell. Besides, they were the only ones there. It shocked him, because he knew Regulus didn't like physical contact. He always pushed his friends away, when they tried to touch him.
And yet he was here, hugging James on his own free will.
"I'm sorry, I don't really know how to react. But-" Regulus pushed away, so that the two boys were looking at each other. "Listen to me, Potter. You're not no-one. You're not. You're one of the most brilliant people I've ever met. And I know I don't show it. I know and I'm sorry for that. I really am. You're more than what you give to others. You're more than what you do for others. You're so much more. You're not too much, not too little. You're just right. You're enough, James. You're enough."
Regulus' words were coming out so quickly, it was a miracle he wasn't out of breath. As the last words spilled out, he hugged James again.
If James was shocked before, it was nothing in comparison to what he was feeling now. He was sure he was dreaming at this point. Regulus Black hugging him and being nice to him? That just didn't happen in real life. He quite literally pinched himself. But no. It hurt, meaning all of this was real.
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Regulus
Honestly, Regulus wasn't actually sure if James would open up. When he asked him and was met with silence, he was sure that was it. So when James started speaking it took him a bit to actually process everything.
And then he did something he never does. He hugged him. Honestly, he didn't know what came over him. Just the need to protect.
He knew something was going on with James. If that night at the astronomy tower wasn't a good enough indicator, he saw it every day since. The way James' smile stopped being genuine. The way his eyes lost their sparkle. The way his posture was smaller. Once Regulus knew what to look for, it wasn't hard to find.
And yet, hearing James talk about himself like that struck something in him. It just wasn't right. It felt completely wrong. So he didn't suprise himself too much with the answer that tumbled out of his mouth. It was all true. James was enough. He was. Regulus just wasn't a big fan of his mouth working on it's own accord, spitting out words without consulting them with his brain first.
When he next broke the hug and looked at James, the older boy looked completely stunned. Yeah, that kind of checks out. These weren't the words Regulus expected to say either, to be honest.
"Why- Why would you say that?" James' voice was low, as if afraid. "You hate me." He said that with so much conviction in his voice, Regulus wouldi believed him, if it weren't his feelings that were being discussed.
And sure, Regulus pretended to hate James. Tried to force himself to do so even. But he never seemed to succeed. Well, it seems he was a better actor than he thought.
"James... I don't hate you. I- I've never hated you. I don't think I can." Regulus whispered into the night. He was sure that, if it weren't for the quiet surrounding them and their close proximity, James wouldn't have even heard him.
In the circumstances were different, Regulus would've laughed at how James' face showed gradually more and more confusion. The boy looked utterly lost at this point.
"But- You- You- No. You do. You don't?" The last part was undeniably hopeful. There wasn't a lot of it, but the hope was there. If not in James' tone, then in his eyes. The eyes that slightly lit up at Regulus' words.
"No, I don't."
"Oh." James looked as if though he had just received a gift for Christmas. His lips formed into a gentle smile and the tiny sparkle, that appeared in his eyes moments before, doubled in size.
Seeing that, Regulus couldn't help but smile too.
"You have a gorgeous smile."
Regulus rolled his eyes at that, but wasn't able to stop the blush dusting his cheeks. Traitors.
Quite abruptly James sat up and looked out the window. If Regulus' eyes weren't deceiving him (which they very much could), James himself was blushing. Despite his darker skin, the pink hue was detectable.
James cleared his throat. "Um... Do- Will you stay here with me for a while, please?"
"Sure."
And so, the pair settled into comfortable silence, sitting side by side, gazing at the stars.
~~~~~~~
That night seemed to cause the invisible wall separating them to crumble down. If was as if though a lever had been pulled, allowing them to finally open up to eachother.
And they did. They talked about the good and the bad. The light conversions were still present from time to time, but the metaphorical lever allowed the deep conversations to flow.
Regulus was surprised at how easy it was for him to talk to James. To open up about his own troubles. Things even Barty or Pandora never knew about. And the most shocking of all was that he felt safe sharing those things. He didn't feel the urge to take it all back or obliviate James.
They talked, they laughed, they watched the stars and Regulus was as close to happy as he's been in a while. If not ever.
That was probably why he falsely believed that James was getting better. He knew that the older boy wasn't okay. Yet he somehow believed it was getting better. Well, maybe it was all based on Regulus' hopes rather than the reality.
That being considered, it came as a bit of a shock to him when he found a sobbing James in the Prefects' bathroom with blood trickling down his forearms. Not to mention that Regulus didn't even know that James self-harmed. It all just hit him like a fucking train.
One minute he was excusing himself from his lesson to use the bathroom, proud of himself for getting the best results on a recent test. Next minute he was standing in the Prefects' bathroom, staring at the shaking form of James Potter on the ground.
The second the first wave of shock wore off, Regulus dashed towards him, appearing by his side in an instant.
"James? James, can you hear me? You don't have to say it, just show me a sign. Nod your head for example." Regulus' words frantic, he was stressed.
A nod. Good. Thank Merlin.
"I need you to breathe with me okay? Can I touch you?" Another nod. "Okay, I'll be placing my hand on your shoulder right now. So don't freak out."
True to his word, Regulus had his hand on James' shoulder almost instantly. He tried to wrack his brain to remember what Sirius used to do, when they were children and it was Regulus who couldn't get his lungs to fill with enough air to breath properly.
"Okay, it's gonna be okay" Regulus muttered under his breath, more to himself than James. "Right. James, I'll need you to put your hand on my chest. Yes, like that. Now, you'll feel my chest rise and fall with every breath and I want you to repeat that. Okay- Um- Right. Breathe in...... Out...... In....... Out...... Just like that."
They sat like that for a while, James' breathing slowly normalising. Regulus was about to pull away, when James dropped limp onto the floor.
"Shit, shit, shit, shit, no, no, fuck, no. Come on, come on! Regulus think!" Regulus chastised himself. He couldn't do this alone, not this time. He needed to get James to the hospital wing, even if James would hate him for it. He was not a Healer. He didn't know what to do in such situations, medically speaking. Regulus whipped his wand out and summoned his Partonus, making it deliver a message to Madame Pomfrey.
In what felt like hours, but was probably a couple of minutes, the school Healer barged into the bathroom, scaring the shit out of Regulus in the process. There was a moment where she froze, her face showing utter terror, but she quickly shook herself off and conjured a stretcher for James. Madame Pomfrey lifted James skilfully off the floor and rushed with him to the Infirmary. Regulus scrambled onto his feet and ran out after her.
~~~~~~~
It didn't take Madame Pomfrey too long to stop the bleeding. Her being a witch certainly helped with the matter. It was in these moments that Regulus was truly thankful that he was born a part of the Wizarding World.
The Healer gave James some nourishing potions and left him to rest. She also brought a calming potion for Regulus, which he gratefully accepted, seeing as he couldn't stop shaking from all the adrenaline coursing in his veins.
Upon inspection, it turned out that James had probably been using cutting as a coping mechanism for a pretty long time. If the many scars covering his body were anything to go by.
Regulus wasn't too surprised. When he found James, he had been almost completely certain that that wasn't the first time it happened.
That didn't make it hurt less though. It was heart-wrenching to see James like that. And to know that he'd done that to himself? Completely, utterly devastating.
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James
James opened his eyes, just to close them with a grunt. The place he was in was bright white, making his eyes hurt.
Where was he? Did he finally pass away? Was it finally all over?
He suddenly had new motivation to inspect the setting. He had always wondered what it felt like to die and where does one go after death.
And so, despite the extreme brightness of his surroundings, he blinked his eyes open.
Hospital wing.
"Ah, not dead then. Can't even do that. You fucking failed at killing yourself. At this point you deserve to get a 'world's biggest failure' award or something." he thought to himself.
James looked around, halting when he saw a familiar head of black curls to his right. Memories from the afternoon started flooding his mind. Fuck. Regulus found out. He couldn't blame him for taking him to the Infirmary, if he was being completely honest with himself. It was probably terrifying for him.
As if on queue, that same head of black curls stirred and lifted up, showing a very disoriented Regulus. They locked eyes, which forced Regulus to wake up from whatever daydream he was in.
"Jamie?" It was the first time Regulus had ever used the nickname. James liked the way it sounded coming from his lips. "You- You're awake. Thank Merlin! You gave me a real fright." Regulus sounded almost frail, so unfitting to his usual demeanor.
"Yeah, I guess so..." James couldn't help but sound a little dejected.
Next thing he knew, Regulus wrapped him arms around James' neck, holding on for dear life. The strength of his grip appeared to be a way of insuring that the boy sitting on the hospital bed wouldn't finish what he had planned. James' speculations were confirmed when Regulus whispered fervently into his shoulder. "Don't do that again. Please, James."
The younger boy then broke the hug (much to James' dismay), but didn't move far away. James swiftly moved his gaze downward, keeping his eyes glued to his lap.
"James?.... Can you please look at me?" Regulus' voice sounded a little too much like a plea. Yet James still didn't budge.
Suddenly, cold slender fingers gripped his chin and lifted his head up, making him look straight into piercing grey eyes. James loved Regulus' eyes. He would've written poetry about them, if it weren't for his lack of skills in that department. He would've gladly drowned in them and never resurfaced.
However, at that moment, looking into them seemed to be the scariest thing in the world. Regulus' gaze was so intense, James was sure that the boy would be able to look into his mind, reading it like an open book. James wasn't too fond of that possiblity. Not at all, actually. He was afraid of what Regulus would think after entering the treacherous place that was his brain.
"James. I need you to promise me that you won't attempt to take your life ever again." The boy's tone took on a stern note, but his concern was still slipping through the cracks.
And well. What was James supposed to say to that? He couldn't promise Regulus that. He just couldn't. Breaking the promise would be much worse than not making it in the first place. So he stayed silent and unmoving, apart from the rise and fall of his chest with every breath he took.
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Regulus
Sitting and waiting for James to wake up must have been the most stressful moments of his life. And that's coming from a person who had been stuck in an abusive household for their whole life.
Regulus was jittery, an unceasing feeling of anxiety nestled in his chest. He switched between pacing beside James' bed and sitting on the nearby chair, his leg bouncing uncontrollably.
He'd been there for a long time. So when he saw James stirring out of the corner of his eye, it took him a moment to come back to his senses.
It was honestly astounding, just how much James Potter singlehandedly managed to change Regulus in the spand of a few months. Never in a million years had he thought that the act of hugging would become normal for him. All the more so, that he would resort to hugging as an instinct.
And yet, as soon as his brain started functioning again, he threw himself at James, letting out a sigh of relief.
He knew that he'd do anything to keep James alive and as close to well as possible, hence he made James promise.
The silence that followed his words was deafening. Regulus waited and waited and waited.
"James, please. I can't lose you. Not now, not ever." Regulus was on the verge of confessing his feeling for the boy before him. And so, when the only reaction he got from James was a single tear rolling down his cheek, Regulus' mouth revealed his long kept secret.
He cradled James' face carefully in his hands and spilled his heart out before him. "James. I- I need you, okay? I know that I've been a dick and I'm sorry for that. I know you think I hate you. Even now, when you got the confirmation that that's not true. But Jamie... Jamie, I- I love you. I've loved you for what seems like forever. And I'm sorry I haven't told you that before, but I'll tell you now. I love you, I love you, I love you. And I'll keep loving you and I'll keep telling you that, until you believe me and after that too. Please stay. Please give me this chance. I need you. I really do. You shine so bright. Even though you don't see it, even when you feel down. You are the sun, Jamie and we need your sunshine. You mean so much to me and everyone around you. I know you don't think that's true, but I'll keep proving you wrong. We all will. Even though your friends aren't here right now, I'm sure they'll be there for you. Sure, my brother can be clueless at times and say things he's not supposed to, but he loves you so much. I can tell that he does. We all do."
James' face showed a mix of hope and fear, while more silent tears escaped his eyes. In a voice so fragile it could break, he spoke up. "You- You love me? Do you really mean that? Are- Are you sure?"
The crack in Regulus' heart deepened.
"Yes I'm sure. More sure than I've been of anything else in my life. So please James, promise me." Regulus needed him to understand.
After another short while, consisting of Regulus holding his breath and searching James' face, a soft "okay" reached his ears.
"Yeah?" Regulus inquired. James gave him a tiny nod and he could finally breathe, for what felt like the first time that day. "Thank you." The words were let out on a sigh. Regulus hugged the older boy again, repeating "thank you, thank you, thank you" like a mantra.
Somehow Regulus ended up sitting on the bed beside James. He maneuvered their bodies, so that James was laying with his head on Regulus' lap. They stayed like that for a long time, the younger boy carding his fingers through the other one's hair.
Regulus was deep in thought, when James' gentle voice brought him back. "Reg?"
"Yeah?" Regulus whispered back, looking down at the boy he loved.
"I love you too."