Cigarettes and Rants
“I just can’t believe you’re still single,” Barty said, leaning back in his chair with a smirk, his fingers drumming against the wooden desk in their dorm.
Regulus rolled his eyes as he closed his book with a thud. For the past thirty minutes, Barty had been trying to set him up with some bloke in Ravenclaw, and it was getting old.
“We’ve been over this many times,” Regulus replied, getting comfortable against his headboard.
“Listen, you’re bloody gorgeous! In another life, I’d have never broken up with you and spent my entire life loving you and growing all wrinkly with you.” Barty’s grin widened, clearly enjoying himself.
“I doubt Evan would be happy to hear you say that,” Regulus shot back, a teasing glimmer in his eyes.
“No, he’d agree. We both thought about inviting you into our situation.” Barty leaned in, his tone suddenly more serious, as if he was revealing a grand secret.
“Thank Salazar that you decided against it.” Regulus chuckled, shaking his head.
“Who said we said no?” Barty raised an eyebrow, a mischievous glint in his eyes as he lit the cigarette that had found its way to his mouth.
“Bugger off.” Regulus laughed, unable to contain himself.
“Listen, I didn’t think this was how it was going to go, but fate has its way of throwing things at you…” Barty continued, his voice taking on a dramatic flair.
Regulus stopped laughing, his expression shifting as he realized Barty was serious. “Stop.”
“We’ve been friends for years. Our time spent together those months ago was full of laughter and amazing sex. I know it’s been a hard life for you, but me and Evan both think you’re one of the sexiest mothe—” Barty was ignoring Regulus’ interruption, clearly lost in his own thoughts.
“Barty.” Regulus glared, annoyance creeping into his tone.
“Yes, sir.” Barty finally relented, raising his hands in mock surrender as he passed the cigarette to his guarded friend, a playful smirk still on his face.
Regulus took a long drag, enjoying the slight burn the smoke left behind in his lungs. “The sex was amazing,” he said with an exaggerated sigh, a faraway look in his eyes.
The two friends stayed quiet for a few seconds before bursting out into laughter, Barty nearly falling from his chair due to how hard he was laughing. Regulus’s laughter died down as he started coughing, which only added to his friend’s entertainment.
The door creaked open as the other two members of their small group entered. “Salazar, what did you guys do now? Should I expect a bunch of screaming from the first years?”
Barty was well known for his moments of mischief; nearly every prank he did targeted first years, no matter the house. When asked about it, he never failed to say, “I’m welcoming them to Hogwarts! It’s truly a rite of passage.”
Barty was always willing to cause chaos no matter the time. Many people said he’d fit right in with the Marauders. The possibility of that happening was the same as the possibility of Lily Evans failing Muggle Studies.
He’d much rather stay with the people he calls family.
“No, unfortunately, no screaming first years tonight.” Barty watched as Dorcas set her bag down on Regulus’s trunk, taking a seat next to the Black heir.
Those two were inseparable, always having each other’s backs and never getting into petty disputes. Dorcas was practically Regulus’ older sister, always loving and assuring him that he was doing well. Regulus, usually cold and distant, treated Dorcas with admiration and never dared to be cold towards her.
However, he never did acknowledge the older sister and little brother dynamic people would point out. Something always seemed to hold him back from giving in and admitting that Dorcas—or anyone really—was like an actual sibling to him.
“I don’t know if I should be proud or worried that you’ve yet to traumatize the first years this year.” Evan pulled Barty out of his chair and over to his bed.
Regulus and Dorcas smiled as the two boys sprawled themselves on Barty’s bed, stuck between wanting to coo at their disgustingly sweet behavior or gag.
“I’m waiting for the right moment! Gotta make them feel on edge for a bit.” Barty shrugged with a wicked smile, holding Evan’s hand between them.
What they had was new and exciting. It was nothing like they’d ever felt before, and they would be lying if they said it didn’t scare them a bit.
Evan—much like Regulus—had always kept his feelings close to his chest, especially when it came down to liking someone. Barty loved the thought of eventually peeling back all those layers and committing everything there is to know about Evan Rosier to memory.
Regulus took another drag from the cigarette, passing it to Dorcas when she put her hand out. “Where’s Dora? I thought she was stopping by tonight.”
Evan shrugged, his eyes a bit glassy from whatever he drank earlier. “She said she was, but you know how she gets. As soon as she gets a glimpse of Lovegood, we’re the last thing on her mind.”
Dorcas shook her head with a small laugh. “That poor girl. You’d think with how pretty she is, she’d leave the chasing to Lovegood rather than doing it herself.”
They had an honorary fifth member by the name of Pandora Rosier, Evan’s twin sister. She’d join them every now and then but often opted to stick with her fellow Ravenclaws, especially when she started fancying a blonde guy a year above her.
They never failed to tease Pandora about her flirting tactics; she was up there with Potter for the worst flirting Hogwarts has ever seen. Pandora, however, couldn’t care less about how embarrassing she may seem, not when Lovegood always seemed to seek her out.
“However odd her tactics may be, they seem to be working. I overheard a few Ravenclaws talking about how smitten Lovegood looks.”
“You know, Regulus, maybe you should take some notes from her,” Barty added with a smirk.
Regulus scoffed, throwing a pillow at him. “Please, I’d rather kiss Lupin than do whatever Dora’s been doing.”
Evan rolled his eyes, dodging the misguided pillow. “I’d kiss Lupin any time if I ever got the chance.” The other three in the room gaped at him, shock written on their faces.
Noticing the silence in the room, Evan sat up straighter. “Oh come on, who wouldn’t kiss Lupin? Have you lot seen him?”
Dorcas shook her head at him. “I wouldn’t! Blimey, who knew you had a mental boner for Lupin?”
Evan shrugged, ignoring the look of disbelief coming from Barty. "Well then, you just don't know beauty when you see it. Have you seen him? Like, actually seen him?"
"What the—" Regulus was cut off as Evan continued his rant.
"That scar on his face is so fit. I wonder where else he has them. He loves eating chocolate; bet he tastes like it too! And his voice! Oh, the things I could imagine him saying to me. Not to mention his arms! Merlin, imagine having those wrapped around you while he fuc—"
"EVAN!" Barty shot up, staring at him with wide eyes, an indescribable expression on his face.
Evan smiled sheepishly, looking at the three faces frozen in absolute horror. "Too much?"
Regulus blinked at him. "What. The. Fuck?!"