I am standing here in the center of all this, because just existing grew too hard.
I met the urge for more in live than just existence full of wishes from others.
But to leave this kind of live behind me, I need to find something in me my whole family lacks, something I don’t have.
I know this not because of my pessimistic view on life but rather because I wasn’t selected for the house of it.
From a family point of view I am in the only acceptable house for our blood.
From my own point I am in the only house that, now after I felt something other than the complete lack of love, doesn’t care about feelings like love or friendship.
My house only has eyes for tradition and power.
My house doesn’t need courage because it has a bloodline older then some country’s history.
I hate it, now even more.
I have hated it all my life, I didn’t show it of course but now I can’t fake it anymore.
I have endured unspeakable suffering.
I have been through more than I can handle.
My ability to just ignore the cruelties I have witnessed is gone, washed away like dirt on my face.
I didn’t know how dirty one could feel. I didn’t know how bad love could be.
And certainly I didn’t know that love could be wrong.
My parents are angry at people who love the way I do, the wrong way, but they never teached me the right way.
The most love they ever showed was at every single public event.
But I know that it was fake.
I would rather die than ever loving someone fake, especially when I don’t even know why my way of love is wrong.
The only argument existing on this topic is that it’s against nature.
But we are wizards and witches, our very own existence is against nature itself.
So tell me, because I can’t figure it out all by myself, is fake or wrong love better than to not love at all?
I want to go home.
I just don’t know where home is anymore.
Is it the place where I live with my family? Or is it the place I feel save and loved?
I don’t even now myself, I don’t know what I should do or what I should not do, sometimes when I look outside my window during a punishment, I begin to wonder where I am in ten years?
Am I still living in this empty house?
Or could I escape the fate my parents made for me?
In these lonely hours where I am alone with my thoughts and wishes, I allow myself to dream a little more, a little wider, a little bigger. I dream about a life without my parents, a live full of love and full of happiness.
In my dreams I live closer to the sun and a little bit closer to the brightest star in the sky.
But after the punishment is done I always come down from the high, I always understand that this is something for the future, not something I can achieve now.
I think that my life will become worth of living someday and this hope is what keeps me alive in moments like these right now.
Moments where I am sitting between my family members and have to endure their way of living. On these dinner parties I always link myself out. I go back to my imagination.
When James first told me what he had done with his parents, I felt a feeling no Black should feel. I got jealous, jealous because I will never have the same experience, jealous because sometimes home feels more like a house than a home.
I look outside the window and I wonder if I made the right choice about keep living. On many days I regret to not have died. On a few days I am happy that I still live and on the rest of my days left I just feel nothing about it.
I don’t regret it or anything, I am just not in a position where I can feel anything about the fact that I am still breathing.
This makes me wonder how much I really know about myself and I think that I need to stop.
I need to stop worrying about things I can’t change right now.
I am just waiting for something.
I am always waiting for something that brings me out of this house and out of this.
But the next nasty comment crushes my imagination and lefts me in the reality I so desperately try to escape.
The comment comes from my aunt, Bellatrix, she throws it around the chattering circle and nobody notices me wincing at it except my brother, if he was still here.
If I imagine him, sitting on the other side of the table, I can nearly hear him warning me.
He doesn’t want me to endure their same fate, the fates of Andromeda, Alphard, Sirius.
But I am so tired of always overhearing.
I know if I now say something I will loose everything.
So I try to click myself out again.
But it doesn’t work this time, I am too focused on what my family has to say about my way of loving.
´´-it is so nasty, thank god that nobody on this table favors their ways.``
SNAP
I snap, I can’t help it, I have heard enough.
As clear as ice, but as quiet as my voice is always around my family, I answer ´´You‘re right, thank god that these traitors are now banned from the family``
What comes after this statement is silence, nobody ever brings up the family members that are banned from this family after they dishonored the name of Black with whatever way the wanted to live.
Before somebody can voice that out, I make another shocking confession, which will probably ruin the Noble and most Ancient House of Black,
´´I mean what would you do if someone at this dinner shared this kind of unnatural behavior. That would ruin this family, would it not?
Ha, and there comes your ruin because what if I told you that the new heir of this family is another disappointing result of not good enough manners. Just like his brother. Just like his uncle and his aunt.``
The whole salon had gone silent at my little speech. At the beginning, the only readable thing in their eyes had been interest. It was interesting what the new heir had to say. Never ever could they have imagined this.
Cold as ever my mother stood up and said, in a voice as thin as her tolerate ´´Go upstairs, stay in your room.``
I, trembling like a leaf in a storm, fled the family gathering. I knew what now would come. I had endured it for half of my life.
As i sat on my bed, I imagined my future, maybe my parents because of the lack of another heir, would just ignore the truth I had just brought up, if they did they would also search for a good wife and force me to bed her as fast as possible.
Another possibility didn’t exist for me. Rather my life would be crushed in this version of the future.
If I am now thinking why I did raise my voice, there comes a face popping up in my head. A boy, with a voice like honey, eyes like my favorite hot chocolate and a smile that even outshines the brightest star. I always thought that to be impossible.
But it matched his person, I had never met someone as purely good as him.
The light of my brother is cold, only if he helds someone dear he will show that stars can shine warm too.
James is different, his light can not shine cold, it is always warm and secure. If he does hate someone he will just leave this person in complete darkness.
But not me, he said never me.
For me he would burn, he would burn out for me.
After months of him trying to get it in my head, I now can say that I have found a person, not just a relative that hates the family, who would tear the world apart for me if needed.
That’s the reason I stood up, because I do not want the future my parents decided for me. I have another plan, after years of not allowing myself any form of hope, I am one full of it, it is the only thing keeping me alive in the times where I can’t see James.
I don’t know how much time is passing, I just know that the moment I hear my mothers footstep on the old stair, is the moment I can’t be afraid anymore. I need the courage that James lives in every breath.
Even though I heard her, her knock surprises me.
I don’t have to tell her that she can come in, there is no need.
And then she stands there, in my room, after years of just yelling at me to come down.
But before I want to say something, before I can tell her anything she begins, her voice not even a whisper ´´Do you have a bag packed?``
Shock is the only thing that fills me to the brim.
´´Regulus do you have packed a bag with important things? Because if you have not, I will send them to you. Where do you wanna go and are you sure that these people are good?``
It is too much for me, all these questions coming from a person I thought would try to force me to stay.
Impatient as always my mother, I can’t believe that it is really her, lifts her wand a then there are two bags at my bed that are being filled with school stuff and personal stuff and clothes and every little detail I thought she did not knew about.
Only after a few moments the bags are full and hovering an inch above my bed. I look at her and there I see something in her eyes that make me answer her truly, ´´The Potters, with Sirius``
She just nods and then she is holding my hand and dragging me down into the kitchen. We come to a halt right before the fireplace, the bags are now one my right side as she takes some of the grey powder used for floo transport. ´´The Potters living room``
I wonder from where she knows that they don’t have a fireplace in the kitchen like all the other pure bloods do, but then she is shoving me into the now flickering green fire and the last I can see is my mother looking at me with, I believe it is for the first time, something near to love.
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I hope that he gets there save, I hope that they will help him, actually there is no doubt for that. They took Sirius in, they will do the same for my second boy. He looked so confused, I am sure he thought that I would punish him.
I am not a good mother, not even a good woman but I know how it feels to love someone that you can’t have. I want my boys to get what for me will always be behind reach.
I am sure that they both will not understand. I can only hope that Euphemia tells them everything.
Euphemia, how often I still think about you, do you feel it, how my heart still yearns for your presence. I miss you more than I ever anticipated I would or I could.
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On the other side of the country a woman sits in her nightgown outside her mansion and look up at the stars, searching for the one she loves even after years of hate.
Something in her soul had told her to go outside and now she sits here in her own pain as she looks for the place her heart truly belongs.
In this moment two woman look at the stars and imagine eachother, and both of them are wondering if it was really worth it choosing fake love over wrong love. Even though there is no argument that explains the wrongness of their love.