I’m closer to the golden dawn,
Immersed in Crowley’s uniform
Of imagery.
I’m living in a silent film,
Portraying Himmler’s sacred realm,
Of dream reality.
Regulus sat on the railing of the astronomy tower, smoking a cigarette and just staring upwards, at the stars that were like paint splatters across the sky. His black tousled hair draped over his face, and his deep brown eyes. Reg hadn’t changed out of his robes, which were stained in places, and he’d even left his emerald-green Slytherin tie on. His shoes, which had been shiny just a few months prior, were scuffed, and the laces threadbare. He couldn’t be arsed to buy new ones, despite having plenty of money. Exhaling the cigarette smoke, he leaned backwards, the fresh night air feeling soothing against his pale cheeks. He outlined each constellation in his mind, whispering the names to himself. The silence, to him, was the best thing. When the Slytherin common room got too busy, and Barty began getting into arguments, Regulus didn’t want to be there. So he’d sneak off to the astronomy tower, smoke some weed, and look at the stars. He thought about Sirius, and just wanted to hug him. It was weird; Regulus had been sure he hated his brother, but he wished he wasn’t sure. Things would probably never be the same between them again. Annoyingly, these negative thoughts suddenly made him aware of his body again, and he grimaced, thinking about everything he hated. He didn’t want to look like he did, he didn’t want to feel this way. He simply stubbed out his cigarette, buried his head in his hands and gave a prolonged sigh.
Just when he wanted to be alone, clacking of footsteps could be heard, and Regulus immediately lifted his head - out of both curiosity and frustration. He watched a tall figure ascending the stairs, who had chocolate brown curls, olive skin, tortoiseshell glasses and a mischievous smile. The figure’s eyes were beautifully hazel, and he wore a red t-shirt with worn jeans. It was James. Regulus’s frustration evaporated slightly.
“There you are, Reg.” he grinned, but Regulus didn’t grin back. “Oh. What’s up?”
Regulus became all too aware that his eyes were welling up. He blinked away the tears defiantly.
“Nothing’s wrong.” he grumbled, tapping his foot on the dusted stone.
“If you’re sure,” James nodded, leaning against the wall. There was another silence, and Regulus sighed again, avoiding eye contact with James. It was hard to talk about.
“Come here.” James opened his arms, and Reg jumped down from the railing, and just hugged him tight. He sobbed into James’s shoulder.
“What’s up, darling?” he asked.
“I just wish I didn’t hate Sirius. I want to speak to him, I want things to be the same. But they never fucking will be, and it hurts.” Regulus murmured, his tears dampening James’s t-shirt.
The moonlight lit up where they stood, on the steps, hugging tightly. Their shadows were cast against the wall, where years worth of graffiti, pencil markings and handprints were engraved in the plaster.
•••
It was later now. They were in James’s dorm, just kissing, talking and smoking. The lights were dim, the curtains were drawn, and the sound of music could be heard in the common room. Now, they lay on James’s bed together, wrapped around each other.
“How’s Sirius?” Reg finally asked, feeling a little worried.
“They’re well.. just normal, I guess. They’ve got a boyfriend, and they’re still, well, just as they used to be, really.” James shrugged, stroking Reg’s hair.
Reg nodded. He didn’t know what to expect, really. He looked around the dorm, seeing all the posters, the books, the clutter and the mess. He looked over to Sirius’s bed, which was just as messy as it usually was, back at home. Sirius had clothes, and bags and records strewn all over the place. He also had Polaroid photos stuck up on the wall. The pictures were of Sirius hugging another boy. Regulus felt somewhat guilty, and he still didn’t know why.
“You okay, darling?” James asked.
“I don’t know.” Reg replied, holding James’s hand tightly. “I miss Sirius.”
James gave an empathetic look. He bit his lip, and thought of a response.
“I get you.” he said, finally, not sure if he actually meant it. He didn’t know how to comfort people, even Regulus, because he always doubted himself. He knew Reg felt shit about himself. James didn’t know how to help him.
“You don’t get me James. You spend every day with him. You’re his best mate. You don’t know shit about how I feel.” Regulus yelled. The room was silent, and James just ignored him for a minute or two.
“I’m sorry.” he sighed.
“I’m sorry too.” and Regulus was crying again, his breathing fast, and his heart pounding against his ribcage. “This always fucking happens because I’m never happy. It’s my fault.”
“No- it isn’t.” James wanted to scream.
“It is.”
“IT ISN’T. WHY THE FUCK WOULD IT BE YOUR FAULT?”
Regulus looked up at him angrily. His head was buzzing with it, as he seethed, grinding his teeth.
“Don’t cry, please. It’s okay. I’m sorry that you miss Sirius.” James breathed heavily, feeling so guilty.
“No, fuck it. It doesn’t matter.” Regulus slapped his thighs, and got up and left.
“Oh, fuck off then.” James kicked the chest of drawers, and sat on the bed, head in hands, leg bouncing. “Fuck me, man.”