chapter 2
Clarke stared at Raven as she fixed the broken toaster that she accidentally broke this morning. She stared as the girl amazingly knew where each screw went and where each piece fit. She was in the middle of a sketch when the girl fixing the toaster accidentally shocks herself, "Fucking hell" Raven blurted out in pain. Clarke laughed at her, this time before Raven proceeded Clarke had gotten up and unplugged the toaster, Raven smiled at her and continued with her work.
"Ray, did Lexa ever mention having a crush on me?" Clarke asked, the thought of the other night was stuck in her head.
Raven froze, she thought to herself questioning if she had accidentally mentioned something to Clarke. "Uh how come?" She asked not looking away from the toaster, avoiding Clarke's stare. (Clarke could tell when Raven knew something just by the way her expression changes.)
"Just, the other night she said something like 'because i had the same look whenever i saw you' and i just, i told her.. well tried to tell her how i feel about her, she didn't let me finish." Clarke looked down at her sketch, a sketch of Lexa staring up at the stars. "she said she knew what i was going to say without having to say it, because the way i looked at her said it all, what ever that means, and that the way i look at her is the same way she looked at me." Clarke paused catching her breath and figuring out the right words to explain herself. "just, it means she likes me right? or liked?" The sound of the word 'liked' made Clarke's chest ache for a second.
Raven looked at the sad expression lingering Clarke's face as she stared at her sketchbook, without having to look Raven knew what was on that sketchbook, well the only person Clarke has ever drawn in that sketchbook.
*
"Why can't you let me see your sketches? you used to let me see them when i wanted to" Raven pouted, she desperately wanted to see the new sketches Clarke had, well if only she would let her.
"Because it's MY sketchbook and MY privacy" Clarke said grasping her sketchbook.
"Clarke.. you've drawn a hell of a lot of naked women and men, nothing i haven't seen before, trust me" Raven winked, Clarke just laughed at her.
It wasn't until a few days later that Raven had a glimpse of her sketchbook, Clarke had left her guard down and left her sketchbook out in the open that she picked it up, looked and had a quick glimpse. With no shock Raven noticed how with each Sketch Clarke had gotten better and better at noticing details. What surprised her though were the various sketches of a familiar girl, it took Raven a mere few seconds to recognize that the girl was no other than Lexa. Raven knew from that moment on that there was something special about Lexa for Clarke, she was not fond of drawing people she knew or interacted with. Raven never told Clarke about her findings, she didn't even mention it to Anya knowing she would just mention it to Lexa, making it harder for the girl to get over her. Clarke sure is dating Finn, but she sure as hell drew a naked figure of Lexa.
*
Raven thought about the damage it would cost if she told Clarke about Lexa, then again she thought about the damage it would cause to their friendship if she doesn't.
"Listen, i know a lot, trust me." Raven says putting the screwdriver she was holding down beside the toaster. "Lexa tells Anya everything, Anya tells me parts of it, and i've been keeping it in." Raven grabs Clarke's hand, squeezing it. "I would tell you everything, believe me i would.. but we all know it won't end well if i do, you'll just be heartbroken, youll both be heartbroken."
Clarke looked up at Raven disappointedly but knew that she had point. It wasn't fair, at least to Lexa and Costia that is. If Lexa had liked her before, Clarke knew that she had just blown her chance of being with her because she wasted her time with Finn.
.
Costia stares with amusement at Lexa as she tries real hard debating which candle to get.
"Hawaiian sauna or Tremendous tropics?" Lexa asks, holding a candle in each hand sniffing them and shoving them in front of Costia for her to sniff them too.
Costia shakes her head.
"Both terrible?" Lexa asked scrunching her face.
"Can i ask you something?" Costia says, Lexa not paying much attention continues looking at candles.
"Sure anything." Lexa says, picking up random candles and sniffing them,
"Do you love her?" Lexa froze "or loved?" Costia asked, Costia wasn't being specific but Lexa knew exactly who she was talking about.
"What do you mean?" Lexa asked, pretending to be confused as she continues to pick up candles to distract herself.
"Clarke.." Costia places her hand on Lexa's causing Lexa to look at her. "Do you love her?" Costia asked, tears filling up her eyes. Costia didn't have to ask, Lexa did only tell her bits and pieces but it was enough for her to connect. "Tell me the truth, do you love her or loved her?" Costia asked, trying to get an answer from Lexa.
"That doesn't matter, what matters is that I'm with you." Lexa says, grabbing Costia's hand and squeezing it. "It does matter.." Costia says removing her hand from Lexa's grip. "It matters to me."
Lexa looks at her, trying not to show much of her emotion on her face. "Would it make a difference if i did?" She asks.
"It would make a huge difference that you do." Costia says.
Lexa sighs, "I never said i do, i said i did." Costia sighs at her answer, "I've seen the way she looked at you that night at Raven's, she loves you, and the more i think about it, the way she looks at you would suggest that she loves you more than i do, more than i ever will.." This time Costia lets the tears fall down.
Lexa wipes the tears off of Costia's face but Costia just pushes her hand away and wipes her own tears off. "It's Clarke.." Lexa says, trailing off, not really knowing where she was going to go with this or what she was going to say.
"Don't try to deny it Lex, you saw it too, and i saw you guys out at the balcony." Costia looks down, then looks back up at Lexa.
"We weren't doing anything, we were just talking." Lexa says stepping closer to Costia but Costia stepping back.
"That doesn't matter, i know you guys didn't do anything, or tried to do anything.. but it's clear, you both clearly love each other, and it may not have been done purposely.." Costia stops, catching her breath and wiping her tears. "Yet its cruel of me to hold onto you, knowing that you love someone else.."
"I LOVED her Costia, LOVED, not anymore.." Lexa says grabbing Costia's hand and gripping it firmly.
Costia laughs, "That's what you think Lex, but from the couple of months that we've been together.. you have never said the words 'i love you' to me and i respected that, i wasn't going to rush you, and i didn't think much of it. Yet every time you see something or hear something or find something you whisper to yourself 'Clarke would love this' and you think i don't hear you but i do." Costia squeezes Lexa's hand, as she sees her eyes tearing up. "I'm not mad at you, nor am i mad at her. You can't stop yourself from loving someone, believe me i know. I tried so hard to stop loving you these past few months so that it would be easier for me to let you go, but i couldn't." Tears were falling down Lexa's face and this was the first time ever that Costia has seen her cry. This was the most emotion Lexa as shown her. "Then what makes it different now?" Lexa breathes. "Do you not love me anymore?" Costia smiles. "I love you Lex, I love you more than i have loved anything in this world." Costia gulps.
"I just love you enough that i want to see you happy, and i just know that you'd be happier with someone you love.. someone who's Clarke." Costia grabs Lexa's face and kisses her forehead. "I love you, and i can't say if i'd get over you or not, but i want you to be happy.. really happy." Costia smiles at her. "I set you free Lex, i love you." Costia says hugging Lexa then grabbing her stuff and leaving.
Lexa who stood there wiping the tears off her face tried to process the things Costia just told her. She watched as Costia walked away, watched as Costia opened the door of the candle shop and just walk away. She didn't turn back, Lexa didn't go after her. Part of Lexa was broken that she left while the other part was relieved.
.
"Ughhhhhh stupid fucking bowl" Clarke complained from the kitchen
"I thought she was making mac and cheese?" Anya looked at Raven "it sure doesn't sound like it" she said as she winced at the sounds of Clarke dropping mostly, everything.
"Let me go check up on her" Raven said reassuringly getting up from the couch and walking into the kitchen.
Raven walks into the kitchen and sees an irritated blonde angrily grating cheese as she murmurs to herself. "stupid. frrikking. costia. and her stupid. friking. relationship. with lexa. frikking.." Raven kept quiet trying not to let Clarke hear or see her smirking by the counter at the sight of her being "so over Lexa."
*
"I am so over her!" Clarke says.
Raven doesn't say anything, she just continues to flip through the channels, she doesn't even remember how the topic came up.
"Really i am! like really really over her! Im happy with her and Costia being together!" Clarke repeats.
Raven still doesn't say anything.
"I really am over her you know, like really over her!"
Raven gets up to grab a bag of chips and then plops herself back on the couch beside Clarke.
"Why don't you believe me?" Clarke asks.
Raven smiles, "i believe it, don't worry.. you're SO over Lexa!"
*
Clarke turns around to see a smirking Raven, "How long have you been standing there?" a flustered Clarke asks.
"Not long" Raven says, smirking. "You sure?" Clarke asks.
"Yea don't worry not long, just like Lexa and Costia's STUPID FRIKKING RELATIONSHIP" Raven laughs and Clarke glares at her.
Clarke turns around, and checks on her boiling pot of water, she was too embarrassed to say anything.
"You know, you need to get laid.." Raven says stealing a piece of cheese and eating it. "At least, get your mind off of Lexa and stuff.."
"Shut up or else Anya will hear you!" Clarke blurts out grabbing another piece of cheese and shoving it into Raven's mouth.
"Hear what?" Anya says, popping her head into the kitchen.
Raven laughs and Clarke sighs, "nothing" Clarke says staring at Raven.
"I was just saying how Clarke needs to get laid and get her mind off of Lexa" Raven says patting Clarke's head. "UGH!" Clarke groans, "She's right, you know there's that new app you could get on" Anya adds on.
"What app?" Clarke asks,
"Oh yea, that new app whats it called?" Raven says
"Groundr, it's like tinder but you know for gay people, like us" Anya laughs.
"Idk" Clarke says.
"Oh come on! Since when did Clarke turn down a good hook up?" Raven blurts out which ends up with a punch from Clarke.
.
Lexa finds herself on Anya's couch soon after the whole breakup with Costia. She flips through netflix and puts on gilmore girls. Lexa couldn't pay much attention to the screen as she kept thinking about everything, her true feelings for Clarke, Costia, what Costia said. She needed Anya to help her figure things out, to crack the code for her, basically someone to tell her what to do next because she was so confused.
"Hey if anyone's listening, It's me Lexa, and I am just really confused right now, and i need a sign, any sign. Please i beg of you just give me a sign, anyone.." Lexa says out loud, hoping she'd get an answer. Well not really, Lexa would sure shit herself if someone started talking, Lexa is afraid of ghosts.
--
Anya heads home from Raven's, she was still smiling from witnessing what a wreck Clarke was because of Lexa. She couldn't wait to tell Lexa, leaving major parts out that is.
Anya opens the door to her place and isn't surprised to see Lexa laying down on her couch watching some Netflix. "Hey lazy ass, get up." Anya says while jumping on top of her.
Lexa groans in pain as all of Anya's weight is dropped on her so suddenly. "What?" Lexa says, getting up shoving Anya for jumping on her.
"Guess who just broke up?" Anya said, smiling widely.
"Lincoln and that girl Octavia?" Lexa asked confused, then again she hoped she's wrong because she was certain that those two would end up marrying each other.
"Hell no! If those two broke up that'd be the end for all humanity!" Anya laughed.
Lexa raised her eyebrow, waiting for Anya to just tell her. "Wow you suck at this game.." Anya joked, "Clarke and Finn, they broke up.." Anya said, looking away from Lexa and staring at the screen. "Lorelai is so pretty, Rory too.."
Lexa froze, this was the sign, this was the sign she asked for, the sign she was looking for. Anya looks away from the screen and looks at Lexa. "What's wrong?" Anya asks, "Like don't worry about it, its been awhile since they broke up, Clarke is over him trust me, in fact she never really loved him, never actually loved him that is, her heart was for someone else." Anya says, hoping Lexa would catch on, realizing that Clarke had her heart for her and only her.
Lexa sighs, "Costia and I broke up.."
Anya freezes, she's shocked at Lexa's response. "Fuck Lex, are you okay? do i need to beat her up?" Lexa turns to the screen, "No, it's fine, I'm kind of relieved"
Anya walks in front of Lexa and blocks her view of the screen, Lexa was now staring at Anya. "Why did you guys break up?"
"Clarke.." Lexa says, clenching her jaw.
Anya raises her eyebrow.
"She thinks that Clarke is in love with me.."
Anya looks at her confused, "That's not a good enough reason to break u--"
Lexa cuts her off, "She thinks that I am still in love with Clarke.."
Anya smiles, "Are you?'
Lexa looks down at her knees, she crosses her legs and fiddles with her thumb.
"I never stopped loving her, if i had to be honest, i was using Costia as a distraction for how i truly felt for Clarke.." Lexa sighs, "It wasn't that i never cared for Costia, i cared for her, i did, i cared for her soo much.."
"Just not as much as you would for Clarke." Anya says, catching on.
Lexa sighs and slowly nods.
"Well this calls for a girls night out, to make you feel better, just give me awhile to get ready." Anya says cupping Lexa's cheeks and squeezing them. Lexa smiles and nods.
Anya walks to her room and closes the door behind her, she shoots a quick text to Raven.
[ Costia and Lexa broke up. Come over ASAP! FEEL BETTER LEX PARTY AT MY PLACE, xoxo.. p.s bring some mac and cheese and a side of Clarke! ]
.
Clarke looks at her phone, she just had made her account this morning and she already has 3 message requests to start a chat.
"I don't know who to accept.." Clarke says to Raven.
Raven who was about to give her an answer gets a text from Anya.
Clarke looks up at Raven and sees her smiling, "What's up?" Clarke asks.
"Deactivate your account and get ready, were going to Anya's.." Clarke looks at her confused, Anya just left their place. "Costia and Lexa broke up, we are heading over to make her feel better, and for you to talk to her." Raven says.
Clarke who was in shock at the news was relieved yet upset that Costia would break up with Lexa. "Why would someone ever break up with Lexa?" Clarke asks, she was certain that Costia was the one who broke things off since she knew how happy Lexa was with her.
.
Lexa sat on the couch staring at the screen, watching the images yet not processing nor hearing it. She sat there thinking.
Yet something inside Lexa made her get up and grab her stuff and before she knew it she was out the door on her way to Clarke.
"Timing was never our thing.." Lexa says to herself.
"Timing was fine for Costia and I, so why wasn't timing ever good for Clarke and I?" She asks herself.
Then Lexa stops dead in her tracks, realizing that timing was the reason they started talking. That random timing that Lexa came out that had Clarke following her. That random timing that Clarke so happened to have been awake to go to work and the timing that Lexa happens to wake up, had them talking. That timing at Starbucks where costumers barely came so that they had a chance to spend more time together. That timing where Lexa woke up and saw Clarke outside on the balcony, that was a timing for them to confess their feelings. Yet there were just obstacles to overcome. Obstacles they both never overcame, obstacles they never knew were Obstacles. Obstacles like Finn and Costia.
"Timing was our friend from the beginning, so timing better be my fucking best friend this time.." Lexa says to herself.
.
Raven and Clarke finally arrive at Anya's place, Raven opens the door with the spare key that Anya gave her.
"Honey Im home!" Raven shouts out.
Anya comes out of her room and is happy to see Clarke and Raven, yet her expression quickly changes as the living room was lacking a Lexa.
"Fuck.." Anya says as she realizes Lexa's stuff were gone.
"What?" Raven asks confused, Clarke looks at her confused then looks around, looking for Lexa.
"She left" Anya says, plopping herself on the couch.
"Should we leave then and come back later?" Raven asks, "No, she'll be back soon, she's probably on a walk to think, she has that habit." Anya says.
Raven closes the door behind her and removes her shoes, she walks over to where Anya sat and sits beside her. "Why did they break up, i was pretty surprised to hear that, i mean they were so happy together were they not?" Raven asks.
Anya sits up and smiles, she looks over to Clarke.
"She was happy, yet she would be happier with Clarke."
Clarke who wasn't paying much attention but looking for Lexa hears Anya and looks up at her. "What do you mean?" She asks.
"It's not my position to tell, I'd rather she tell you, but we all know it's no surprise about how you both feel for each other." Anya says.
Clarke was glad that Anya never said anything, even though she knew what she was going to say, she was glad she didn't. She wanted Lexa to tell her.
.
Lexa finds herself waiting in front of Clarke's door. She sighs and then asks again, "It's me again, whoever you are, you gave me a sign earlier, I'm just going to ask for one last sign.. just one more.." she takes a deep breath. "If I am suppose to be with Clarke, if we are suppose to be with one another, have her open the door, its as simple as that." she says as she proceeds to knock on the door.
1 minute, no answer.
4 minutes, still no answer.
10 minutes, still no answer.
30 minutes, still no answer.
Lexa sighs, "I guess it's just not the right time again.."
--
Lexa finds herself back at Anya's place, she sighs, and wipes off the tears on her face. Getting rid of any evidence that she was crying.
She looks for the keys that Anya gave her, "I must have left them in there.." She says to herself.
Lexa knocks on the door.
.
"It's been an hour! Where is she?" Clarke asked worriedly. "Like she just went through a break up what if she's drinking herself to death??" Clarke was pacing back and forth.
"You guys aren't even dating yet youre already acting as if you guys are married.. start by confessing your feelings for each other first, geez." Raven jokes.
Just as Clarke was about to wore out the floor there is a knock on the door.
Anya looks at the table and sees Lexa's keys. "That's her, her keys are on the table, she must have forgotten them."
Raven groans "Finally!" she says as she gets up and drags Anya into her room, leaving Clarke alone in the living room.
Clarke takes a deep breath and proceeds to the door.
.
Lexa was about to knock once more annoyed at how long it was taking for Anya to open the door when the door finally opens.
A wave of Blonde shocks Lexa, Clarke just stands there smiling at her.
"So you're the one I let get away.." Clarke says.
Clarke beats herself up for saying that, (like wow Clarke yes thats totally the first thing you tell someone you have feelings for who just recently broke up with their girlfriend)
Lexa smiles, thinking about what she had asked earlier, for one last sign.
"You're the one.." This was the sign Lexa thinks as she stares at Clarke holding the door open, this was it. ".. that i could never stop loving." Lexa says.
"I'm never letting you go ever again." Clarke says grabbing Lexa close to her.
Clarke holds Lexa, and Lexa lets herself fall on Clarke. "I love you." Lexa exhales.
"I love you too." Clarke says back.
And they both just stood there for awhile, holding onto each other. Scared that one of them would end up letting go or scared that although right now was the right time, the perfect time, then time would play a cruel trick and go against them and cause them to be oblivious to each other again. Yet this time, just maybe, it was the right time for the both of them. No Obstacles to overcome.