The first time it happened, I didn´t really say anything and left the house, cause it was the first thing she had done since… that night, that didn´t involve crying. And I knew pretty well this tactic of denial so I just tried to get out of her way. Not that there would be any other option after what happened. What I´ve done.
For few weeks it went like this:
I came back around the noon after a night spent with drinking hidden at some accessible (or less) roof and met Laura´s girl for the night in the hall; few minutes or hours later Laura stumbled down the stairs in my clothes (and she´d look fucking gorgeous if she wouldn´t be all dressed up in for someone else), didn´t even look in my direction and get out of the door.
We hadn´t said a word to each other since she met me the day after it all happened in the kitchen, completely broke down and screamed “Get the fuck out of here, Carmilla!” in such a tone that I wondered if I´d ever really knew her.
And even if I did, that girl had nothing in common with this “new” Laura 2.0 who had a never ending chain of fuck buddies, wore leather and dark circles under her eyes and never met my glaze.
But I guess that´s what happens when your girlfriend – ex girlfriend- kills your best friend.
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The unfortunate thing about coming home (or what was left of it anyway) in the middle of the day was that there were no stars with their comforting shine after the sun went up. There was nothing to do then but stay curled on the roof, trying not to let the darkness reach my mind, failed in doing so, try not to think about what happened, failed again and repeat.
Sometimes, I´d talk to my demons and sometimes, they´d answer me.
Sometimes I´d even talk to Mattie and she would never do.
But for today, none of them would listen, even though I made a lot of noise with breaking glass and shouting at them to look up. For today, I was alone and it felt like the only thing that mattered was not to be.
So I just headed back while the sun was rising; headed to my Laura and her comforting words she´d always had plenty for my tragic backstories.
I was already by the front doors when I heard her moan.
I was never so angry in my life.
The moment I´ve kicked the door open and entered the bedroom (that we used to sleep in what seemed like centuries ago), the mostly naked girl screamed with shock, while Laura just laid back, completely still covered with just a blanket as she´d been waiting for me to spoil her denial-fucking since the very beginning.
“What the fuck babe –“the girl said while putting on her clothes.
“Get out of here. Right now.” I said and looked her down.
“Just fuck off – “I looked Laura into her careless eyes, “BABE.”
I didn´t even heard the girl to shut the door behind her before I hissed at Laura:
“What do you think you are doing?!”
“Not sure if that´s any of your business anymore, love.” She said in a weird, bitter not-Laura tone and smiled lightly, “especially with your own “dating” record.”
Who was this girl? I thought to myself.
Have I killed Laura, too?
“This isn´t you, Laura; this is just a sad copy of- “I started but she stopped me with rage in her voice as she climbed out of bed,
“You,” she said and pointed at me, “you have no idea who I am. Through all of your love declaration and possessive crap you never heard my story. You have no saying in what I´m doing-“she lowered her voice,
“Or who I´m doing, sweetheart.” She barely whispered but I had this feeling that it will be printed behind my eyelids forever.
“That´s not truth, Laura… You´re-“I choked on my own thoughts, “You´re better than this!” I threw my hands in the air to show her the mess all around, the mess she was with her sloppy hair and the blanket around her that she wasn´t even holding anymore and I couldn´t decide if it would be better if she´d be clothed or completely naked. This conversation wasn´t going anywhere anyway.
“Whatever, just… Whatever.” I said and turned my back to her.
There was no way I´m gonna continue in this argument.
But as soon as I did so, her hand pulled me back by my shoulder to face her again.
“Don´t you dare to leave me now when – “she said but never finished her sentence. Instead, her face changed with completely new emotion. I wasn´t sure what was it but there was anger involved. A lot of it.
Suddenly, she said:
“Are you crying?” with a crack in her voice and leaned in to brush the tears from my cheeks so gentle it made me hope again.
“Don´t do that.” She whispered and stepped back.
“Don´t you fucking dare to look at me like this. Don´t look at me like you´d love me.”
“But I do.” I said and put my head down.
How many times do I have to tell her before she realizes I mean it?
“No.”
She laughed and it was almost surreal how much it sounded like the old days and at the same time there was never-ending sadness in her voice I had no cure for.
“No, Carmilla, you don´t. You never have. You fell in love with your idea of this dorky, lovable girl who wore my face and you never cared enough to find out I was someone else.”
“Through all your tragic backstories and “I´m not your hero, Laura” speeches, I was there. And you never even asked about mine.”
She looked so small. This was all I could think of. She was so small and I just cut out another piece of her.
I think I was crying again.
“Carmilla, stop this.” She pointed at me.
“Stop crying, Carmilla.”
But there was no way to stop this. How could I?
She was so close again and looked directly into my eyes.
“You have no right to cry! No fucking right to cry like this!” she screamed.
“You,” she put her finger in place where my heart should be hidden.
“You killed her-“she gasped for air and for a brief moment it looked like she´s going to break.
“You killed Danny.”
I just wanted to run away. Just to be on the roof again, alone with my demons.
I couldn´t look her in the eyes when I said: “I know.”
There was a loud sigh – more like she´d finally let herself breathe while crossing the room to sit on the bed again.
My Laura would say something about Mattie. She´s say that she knows my sister died, too. But I think I was starting to understand that that girl was gone as well.
“I know… I know that I-“I stumbled looking for words,
“Just don´t do this. It won´t help. Trust me – I´ve slept with hundreds of random girls over the three centuries. They are just strangers… They don´t understand.” I said and finally looked at her.
And again, I couldn´t read the emotions in her when she said:
“And you do. Is that what you´re trying to say?” but when she stood up and headed right to me, I knew pretty well in which direction is this going to go.
“Are you trying to say that I should rather fuck you than look for a new girl?”
She was so close now and I could feel her voice echoing in my body.
“Well…” I said and licked my lips and I could feel her hand creeping under my t-shirt.
I could feel her smile as she pressed her lips on my neck, because it made me moan.
I´d say it was easy for her to make me feel weak after so many nights we spent apart but the truth is that it was always easy to moan at the tiniest of her touch.
And she knew that, cause the moment I tried to pull her closer she grabbed my hands and put them behind me.
“None of that – if this is going to happen, your hands will stay behind your back.”
She whispered while kissing my neck and I could feel her pushing me against the nearest wall.
As soon as my body was where she wanted it, I knew how she´ll play it.
I didn´t care. I didn´t care if she makes me beg or scream. I didn´t care about the aftermath, cause all that mattered to me was her.
Right now.
She pulled my t-shirt above my bra and hummed with her lips near my heart.
I was sure if she won´t hurry, I´ll explode.
“Please, Laura…” I moaned and she one of her hands covered my mouth while the other one moved under my pants.
Her eyes were looking straight into mine while I was whimpering as loud as she let me.
There was no sign in her face when she pushed her fingers under my underwear and I cried out with surprise, cause she just brushed over my clit and started circling with two of her fingers around my entrance.
I tried to focus on the cruel grin on her face or those eyes that was looking right into mine with such a satisfaction, but I couldn´t stop myself from rolling my eyes as my legs went weak and all of my body pressed under hers started to shake.
It felt like eternity when she was teasing me, but eventually, she grew impatient, too and thrusted two fingers into me so hard I bit her palm.
She didn´t even seem to notice with her eyes still fixed on my face and suddenly, all I wished for was for her to look somewhere else.
I wished she´d let me come soon so I wouldn´t have to see the way she looked at me.
I gasped for breath and my lungs probably weren´t able to proceed enough air cause everything went black and I could only feel her fingers moving inside me to the point where she was too rough and I could hear my screams hushed with her hand.
And then my vision came back and it still wasn´t over and her dilated pupils met mine again.
I thrusted my hips to meet her in the middle and then pushed them against my hands on the wall.
I wanted this to be over.
It took just few seconds before she pressed her thumb on my clit and I cried out for the last time, but right before I came I saw something in her look shift and there was no way to take that back.
She pulled her hand out of my underwear, stepped back and licked her fingers clean.
All that time we were looking at each other; I was a blushing mess with pants above my ankles while she reminded me of someone who just came back from a battle.
After a moment, she blinked and smiled with a cruel smile of a warrior.
“So this is what it´s like.” She said and I wanted to ask what the hell she was talking about but then she finished,
“This is what it´s like to fuck a monster.”
Just like that she turned around and headed from the room and I knew she was right and there´s nothing I can do to make her stay.
I leaned against the wall and slid down, cause I wasn´t able to stand anymore.
I think I started to cry.