Snapped
Vi thought she’d heard wrong. She watched as Caitlyn disappeared into the after-school crowd of the hallways.
Vi had really thought they were getting closer. Was it something she said? The comment about three marks? Pointing out Caitlyn’s mistake? Why did Caitlyn suddenly decide to cancel tutoring today?
It’s fine, Vi thought. She convinced herself there was nothing wrong. Caitlyn just needed time alone. Even geniuses had to study, you know.
Vi headed to the library with another classmate of theirs, Maddie. Maddie and Vi had been assigned to a small pair project together, and they decided to work it out together in the library that afternoon.
“You’re not going with Caitlyn today?” Maddie asked. Vi detected a hint of cheekiness beneath Maddie’s slight accent, as though she were teasing Vi.
“No…I…” Vi found herself staring at Caitlyn’s seat.
“Vi?”
Vi raised her eyebrows. “It’s nothing. Just…you know. Schoolwork. Projects.”
~~~
The light of the golden hour streamed through the library windows, turning the bookshelves a beautiful colour.
Maddie had left the library an hour ago, but Vi remained, going over her notes and homework herself. She wasn’t sure what was so different that was driving her to study so much, to do her best. She didn’t know if it was Caitlyn or the scholarship, but…
As Vi pulled another volume from the shelf, she caught sight of Caitlyn sitting at a table no more than ten metres away. The girl was clearly exhausted. Her usually immaculate notes were scattered all over the table, pen scratching furiously on a new sheet of paper.
Vi’s heart clenched. She knew exactly what was happening — or at least she thought she did. Caitlyn was obviously under a lot of pressure and was allowing it to shine through now that the library was basically empty. She was pushing herself harder than Vi had ever seen with the midterms around the corner. Was it because of Vi’s comment the day before?
Vi pulled out a chair opposite Caitlyn’s. “What’re you still doing here?” she asked gently.
Caitlyn, without looking up, dished out her cold answer quickly and briefly. “Studying, clearly.”
“You’re obviously about to crash. Why’re you pushing yourself so hard?”
“Unlike you, some of us actually have standards to uphold.”
Vi felt that like a blow to her stomach. In her head, she mentally screamed, WHAT DO YOU MEAN, ‘UNLIKE YOU’? YOU THINK I DON’T WANT THE SCHOLARSHIP OR SOMETHING?
It took all her effort not to smack Caitlyn across her perfect face in that moment. Her grin faltered as she took in Caitlyn’s tense shoulders and shaky hands.
“What’s going on, Cait? You — ”
“I’m fine,” Caitlyn scowled, cutting her off. Her jaw tightened.
Vi tried for a smile as she leaned closer to Caitlyn. “Hey, if you don’t tell me, I’m gonna assume it’s something like —”
“Why does it matter to you?! You’re not the one with famous parents and with a family name to uphold! You don’t have to deal with parents who notice every little mistake you make like it’s the end of the fucking world! You’re not the one who has to hide behind a damn mask and act like I’m perfect all the time!”
Caitlyn rarely swore, which took Vi by surprise. For a moment, she could only watch as Caitlyn held her face in her hands, breathing heavily.
Vi pulled Caitlyn’s hands down, exposing her red eyes. “Hey.”
Caitlyn pulled away. She wouldn’t meet Vi’s eyes, but Vi could see the pain in her usually soft blue eyes.
Vi sat back and bit her lower lip. She knew what Caitlyn needed right now, but she still had the gnawing thought at the back of her head — how good it would feel to strangle Caitlyn right now.
But she rearranged her emotions internally like threads on a loom and kept a civil front. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t mean to push you. It’s just…you shouldn’t be holding in all that pressure alone. It’s gonna break you.”
Caitlyn’s fingers curled, crumpling the edges of her worksheet. “Forget it. Forget I said anything. Just…leave me alone, please.”
“I don’t know what it’s like to be you, Cait. But I do know what it feels like, to have all those expecting eyes on you. The constant feeling that others’ hopes are riding on you. But know this: you’re human. You’re allowed to make mistakes too, okay?”
Caitlyn laughed shakily. “Easy for you to say. You don’t have the Kiramman name hanging over your head like a noose.”
Vi smiled. “No, but I do have a team who expects me to win every match and a coach who explodes if I so much as breathe the wrong way. It’s not the same as your situation, and I know. I still don’t know where all this stress on you comes from, but all I’m saying is, it’s okay to be imperfect.”
Caitlyn swallowed. “Thank you.”
Vi nodded. For a moment, she saw a familiar figure in front of her — someone she knew before — but then the feeling disappeared.
“I just…” Caitlyn sighed. “I’ve always upheld this perfect image, you know. Straight A’s. Student council president. Influential family. The whole package. But…I’m not…it’s not as simple as it seems. And you’ve managed to see beyond the mask within a few days of meeting me. I’m glad for it, because now I can be comfortable around you. But then again…I fear I’m gonna…lose control of…everything.”
Vi withdrew her hand from the table. “You think that the real you…leaves a worse impression on me than the fake you. Is that what this is about?”
Caitlyn shook her head and smiled. “How do you do this, Vi? You understand me better than myself.”
I knew someone like you, once, Vi thought. I can’t lose you, too. Not like that. Not again.
But instead, she simply shrugged. “You don’t have to keep everything together all the time, Cait. I’ve seen you handle more than anyone should have to. That’s real strength.”
Caitlyn took a shaky breath. “Thanks, Vi. I’m…I’ll try.”
~~~
Despite what she had said, Caitlyn knew things were not going to be normal with Vi.
Caitlyn knew that when she returned to school after the weekend, their library conversation was going to lie between them like a loaded gun — easy to reach, easy to hurt with. She continued to grapple with her emotions and feelings about Vi. The mask. Everything.
Caitlyn found herself spending hours simply lying on her bed or zoning out while studying. She couldn’t explain what she felt in the library that day. It was as though she had removed all her armour. Vulnerable and raw.
It had been a long time since Caitlyn felt like that. In the past decade, she hadn’t had anyone to speak to so openly. She couldn’t recall what she was supposed to feel after that. Besides, she’d only known Vi for a short while. How was it that such a deep connection was formed so fast?
She realised her mind was wandering in the direction of love, and she commanded herself to stop.
How could she face Vi, now that she’d basically poured out her feelings? Vi, no doubt, thought she was weak despite everything she had assured her of. Caitlyn suddenly felt the need to retreat, step away from Vi. She felt as though she could never face Vi again.
On the surface, Caitlyn felt the need to impress Vi, to show off her strength. However, on a deeper level, she had a strange feeling inside. She felt as though she…trusted Vi, more than she had ever trusted anyone. She had felt comfortable with being so open at that point in time, yet the aftershock of their conversation had rattled her, leaving her with the constant hunger to dazzle Vi.
Caitlyn felt like gravity was pulling her in two opposite directions. On one hand, she subconsciously trusted Vi in a moment of vulnerability, which felt comforting in the moment. On the other hand, she now felt the need to hold up a strong front before Vi and reassert control over the impression Vi had of her.
Caitlyn ran her fingers through her hair in frustration. What now?