Sunday
12:03am
It might be the momentary silence that makes you let loose. To simply not think for a while.
Bellamy has kept you talking, carefully, but far from casually, avoided all subjects that may or may not be connected to her with the big H. It´s nice. You'll admit that. To just listen and talk, to not have to answer questions that end up causing you to swallow back every other word in fear of letting on too much. Yet again, you're not sure what too much is around these people. You are starting to believe that there never was a too much, to begin with.
“You're coming home with me, right?”. Your eyes shoot up at his question and he shrugs his shoulders in understanding as he says, “Clarke's sleeping at Lexa’s”.
Of course she is, you think.
You´re not really surprised. This whole weekend has been planned out, from the first hour to the last. They have coordinated everything perfectly. Made sure that you won't have to be close to each other more than necessary. Still, how could you possibly avoid each other, first with the wedding ceremony and now this, and when it comes down to it it´s not her that makes you feel so lost and confused. Not only her.
You scoff as you run your hand through your hair. “As long as you cuddle me”.
“Oh I promise”, he answers with a wink and the short laugh that rolls of your tongue is hollow and fake.
Bellamy has kept you talking, but haven't said a word of what you know he's carrying around behind those proud and strong eyes. You weren't here when it happened, but that doesn't mean that the word of it didn´t reach you. Perhaps that's one of the reasons you've been able to relax in the silence because that means he isn't on the verge of bringing it up. You’re similar in that way - determined to keep the pain in. But. You know, from experience, that it shouldn't be like this.
So you break the silence before you have time to change your mind.
“Why didn't you call me?”.
His face stays calm. His eyes stay on yours. Nothing changes, apart from the way he breathes out heavily before sliding further back in his seat. “Raven”, he begins and licks his lips before he continues, “I didn't want to push that on you. You´ve had enough to deal with”.
“So you thought that I'd ignore you?”.
“No, the opposite”, he´s quick to reply with a furrowed forehead, almost looking offended by your question. (He is.) “I thought that you´d get on the first flight here and I didn't want to make you do that”, he tells you and you sigh as the blame hits you like a slap to your face.
“Bell I-”.
“I needed you to get better. We all needed you to be able to come home, by your own choice”.’
His words are carried by worry. You see it in those brown eyes. Your friendship was fast and promising, but you left and with it, you left that opportunity behind. Even though it hasn´t been a day without you thinking of all of them, all of the people that you would have called friends if you hadn't left them behind, you know that you hurt more than you want to see. Even though it matters that you are here now, some wounds are deeper and will take more than just a few days to heal. Days that you can´t promise. Time that you can´t give him here and now, but you can give him a fraction of it.
So you do.
“Well, I'm here now so I expect to be brought up to speed”, you say with a serious face before you let yourself relax and smile ever so slightly.
He laughs and shakes his head, bottom lip worried between his teeth. He then nods and smiles too (and you feel the warmth in your chest for a second before it fades into something painful). “I´ll tell you all about her”, he tells you.
You listen with all that you got. However small that might be. When he ends you excuse yourself, ignoring the worrying in his eyes, and leave him sitting there in the lobby.
Your legs carry you outside, to the warm breeze and night sky. It´s beautiful and peaceful. It takes a few minutes before you manage to move away from the entrance, when you do you find the open patio right outside the grand hall. With eyes fixed at the black sky and its shimmering stars, you lean over the railing.
For what it's worth, the darkness soothes you.
Perhaps because you´ve grown so familiar with it.
--
2:48am
Bellamy pushes the door open. He´s a little unsteady on his feet but steadies himself against the doorframe before entering the apartment, with you close behind ready to catch him, worst-case scenario. He grumbles something as he kicks off his shoes and you roll your eyes as the second one hits the wall.
“That last one really got to you, hu?”.
He turns around, still walking towards the living room, now backwards, face crumpled up into a serious frown.
“You've had at least as much as me”, he answers with a pointing finger at you.
“Yes, but I can handle my liquor. Can't say the same about you”, you reply as you hurry over to his side when he stumbles backwards, hands reaching out for his to so he can steady himself. He grunts and narrows his eyes, wrinkles taking over his forehead. You smile without thought. This is not how you saw this weekend ending or the two of you ever interacting. Bellamy rarely drank as far as you recall, other than that night you two met.
“I've missed you, Rae”, he mumbles, his breath hot and heavy against your cheek, like it was something he'd been holding in.
“Bell-”.
“Cheese”.
A stomach fluttering laugh rolls off your tongue without warning. “What?”, you sputter in between breaths.
“We have some and I want some”, he explains as he lets go of you to make his way over to the fridge, your eyes watching him closely, lips still stained by that laughter he caused. After a lot of grunting and fumbling around, he makes a sound of victory as he shows off the package of string cheese in his hands. You take the opportunity to take off your shoes during his little quest and then lean back against the wall. He makes another sound, this one much more similar to a moan, and the thought of whether or not it would count as a death wish to pick up your phone and record him crosses your mind. “Do you have a boyfriend?”, he then asks and your eyes dart up to his, but those brown eyes of he´s doesn't give away if he´s serious or not.
“Is this the vodka talking”, you reply, one hand coming up to run through your hair.
“Girlfriend?”.
You sigh. Not by any means by choice, it´s more drawn out of you. Leaving your shoulders to fall and your hands itching at your sides. “No, I don't have either of those”, is the answer you give, eyes closing for a moment. When they open again and find their way to his, you find him looking at you with narrowed eyes, one arm flung over the door of the fridge to hold him up and the other drumming against his thigh.
“Fuckbuddie?”.
“Are you volunteering, Blake?”, there's nothing suggestive in your voice, just as little as it is in his eyes.
“I could if you wanted me to”, he replies and closes the fridge. His steps are as unsteady as before when he walks up to you, but he´s more aware of his surroundings and steadies himself against one of the kitchen chairs on his way. He leans in with his side against the wall, inches from your body, his eyes still narrowed and searching as they hold onto your gaze. “You don't want me to”, he murmurs and you release the breath you didn't know you were holding in. You're quickly reminded of his extraordinary way of looking straight through you, no matter what state either of you is in. It's not as painful this time, it's not like you´ve said the words or that you've had to confess it to yourself all over again, but it still feels to know that he knows. Your eyes leave him, your heart thumping hard and slow against your ribcage, head filled with that storm once again (did it even cease in the first place?). It´s the tender caress of Bellamy's hand over your cheek that brings you back to him and those brown eyes of his. They reflect the pain flowing through your veins and you think for a moment that you are not as unlike each other as you´d think. His hand stops just below your mouth, his thumb brushing against your bottom lip as those eyes of his pierce through yours. “Do you want me to?”, he murmurs.
There's not a single part of your being that isn´t sure. Not a single doubting cell can be found in this body of yours.
You reach for his hand, hold it gently in yours for a moment, examining it with your eyes before looking back to his awaiting gaze. A lot can happen in a year. But. This is just the same. His cheek is slightly stubbly and his breath is still hot against your face. Your lips linger on his skin for another moment, because this is easy. Although it´s hard as hell, it´s easy. With him, this is easy. His lips are covered by a happy, childish smile when you pull away.
“Sleep tight, Bell”, you tell him and give him a light shove towards his room. He mumbles something as he turns but doesn't protest to your intention.
You're on your way to turning yourself and retreat to the couch. (Even if he might have mentioned more than twice than you were more and welcome to take either his bed or Clarke´s, you won´t do that. Sleeping in her bed would feel like trespassing on her personal space and life, a life you no longer have a part in.) But then you are jerked to a stop by a whisper.
“Don't run off again. Please”.
It´s not said to your face. He barely says it at all, but it's loud enough for your heart to hear and tremble in response. Your gaze shoots back to him and his hand disappears from where he'd been steadying himself on it against the doorframe.
I won´t, you think as the door closes behind him.
--
5:30am
The couch is uncomfortable beyond belief. How anyone could get any sleep on this thing is a wonder to you as you turn over on your side for the billionth time. With a sigh, you feel your whole body protest to this position as well. The darkness isn't soothing either. It feels just close and penetrating. Or perhaps that just you imaging it (because the scent in the air makes your muscles ache with the memory of that same scent). It takes another few minutes of tossing and turning before you give up and sit up.
It´s quiet. Apart from the muffled sound of a car speeding down the street outside, there's really not anything else. It´s new to you. It seems like your whole life has been invaded by sounds, whether you're working or killing time in your own apartment, there's always something to listen to and take in. But not here.
With trained hands you strap on the brace and support yourself on your good leg as you stand up. If you´re not going to sleep you can at least get up and move around for a bit. If only you could forget about where you are and whose scent it is that keeps flashing by you. Like these days haven't been bad enough in her presence, now you have to breathe her in too even though she's far from actually being here. It´s a cruel joke. That is what it is.
It´s out of self-respect you get dressed and sneak out of the apartment.
The air outside is chill and awakening. It's dark too, but the streetlights keep it from filling up the whole city. This is soothing. The city and its silence but not so quiet humming during the night hours. With all of that invading your senses you feel yourself relaxing again. Since you moved to London and started working on different hours, more like living on different hours, you've learned to appreciate the night and how it wanders through the city. Maybe that appreciation started even before you moved, you can´t remember exactly. All you know is that this feels better than being trapped up there with all of… her and the memories she evokes.
You walk aimlessly through the streets. Your mind hasn´t been calm since you landed on Friday and it´s almost worrying now how little you think. Although you've left most of who you were behind, being back here makes you wonder. If´s and why´s crawls out of the repressed parts of your thoughts you've buried deep down under new memories and experiences. And even though it's quiet inside you, the quiet has a voice as well and after some amount of time it speaks up, throwing you back into the skin and mind of the girl you gave up that day you took the first and best flight out of here.
A better person might call it intuition.
You'd call it insanity.
Still, it´s too familiar to not let those feelings fill you up for just a moment. It´s like they've already made a permanent place within you. They leave just as breathless as you remember being back then, but they don't hurt as much now or have you just gone numb by the low frequency of the vibration rolling through one limb after another. The concept of feeling with your whole body had been foreign to you until this moment and it pulls you to a stop.
The sunlight hits you with a warm and gentle hand, caressing your face ever so softly.
And it hurts.
Like a venom being sucked out of you through one breath. When new air fills up your lungs you feel just as before. Nothing has changed. Yet, the thought of coming back doesn't scare you as much. Some claim that time heals all wounds. You´ve never been one of those people. God knows you've been hurting since you were sixteen and none of those wounds has ever not bled. You didn't lie when you told Clarke that you had been lost but had been in need of losing yourself completely, none of that was a lie, and you did lose yourself. Running away from all of your doubts and feelings, leaving them behind in hope of getting rid of them, all of that was your screwed up way of losing and ultimately giving up who you were. What you didn't expect was how good it would feel to do it and how bad you would fall when those feelings caught up with you. Running away just gave you time, an insignificant amount of time, before all of what you were running from would fall back into you through all the wounds you never let heal.
You didn´t lie.
But you left out the fact that you still hadn't found yourself again. Not completely anyway. And coming back here wasn't your last try at it either. Coming back, you were terrified that you´d end up on square one again. You didn´t. You have not ended back on square one.
You breathe out with lips wet, your mouth filling with the taste of your tears.
You didn't lie to her.
But you lied to yourself when you believed that coming back would destroy you again. When in fact this was all you needed. You might not know where you belong in this world, where you should be or what you´re supposed to do with your life. But this, this is home. Not the city or the streets that you've walked over and over again. Home is where you´re heart has been all this time and it is where it will stay even after you've left once again.
--
2:03pm
Coming back to the apartment Bellamy met you at the door, brows furrowed in that expression of worry and anger that stirred up old emotions in your core. The same mixture of emotions you found more than once in Lincoln's eyes last year (and Clarke´s at one point). You expected a lecture, but instead, he threw his arms around you and held you tight to his chest. He mumbled words of affection and comfort, even though his voice was cracked with that same anger. You knew at that moment that even though he'd been less than sober yesterday, his last plea was as honest as he could ever have been. You couldn't answer him. Not when he had you in his arms. Instead, you took your time, ate with him, let him say all the things he wanted or needed to say. You listened with all of your heart and you put off that moment that undeniably would come until the very last minute.
Until now.
You run both hands through your hair fingers locking at the back for a moment before you put it up with easy hands. The ponytail falls over your neck, barely reaching your shoulder blades. There´s a heaviness to your core. Not an aching one, but it's there and you feel it deep in your bones. Goodbyes have never been something you're good at. You avoid them as best you can. Coming back here, you didn´t expect that to change. It hasn´t. But it has. A deep sigh leaves your lips. Eyes closing to avoid the screaming emptiness of the paper in front of you. The frustration makes your hands tremble and you try to shake it out of them before you open your eyes, it doesn´t work. You have to do it. If not for that weak and close to non-existent hope in your gut, then for the girl you were and the blonde one you fell in love with.
It seems like a lifetime has passed since then and still, it hasn't even been a day.
What you end up writing is short. Perhaps too short. Too simple. It's the only words you can think of that doesn´t catch in your throat or taste bitter on the tip of your tongue. Your ears ring with what you only can imagine is the sound of panic as it rumbles through your body. The words are few and insignificant. It can barely count as a message considering how much more there is inside of you. It's short and says absolutely nothing at all, at least it shouldn´t to anyone who isn't either of you.
You pray that it´s enough, that she'll understand and not hate you even more after this.
The door to her room has been closed since you entered the apartment and you don't dare to open it. Won´t cross that boundary or put yourself in that position of having to see that side of her. You´ve already seen too much. It´s with a held breath causing that ringing in your ear to cease and be replaced by the steady beat of your thumping heart that you slide the note under her door.
When it disappears from your sight it´s too late to regret it.
Luckily there's no time for anything else than to leave and that is for the best.
Bellamy comes out of his room in time to watch you put on your shoes and you avoid his gaze with purpose. Even though every single part of your being wants nothing more than to look at him and get that one last good look at him. One last image to save and keep for all those long days when you miss home.
When you're finally ready to go you allow yourself to look up and the empty creeps up on you in that same moment.
“Are you sure about this?”, he asks with his hands down his pocket, eyes looking at you with that insecurity you've never found fitting for his big and bold personality.
“It´s not a goodbye Bell”, you tell him with a reassuring smile. “It´s a ‘see you soon”.
“You better stick to that”.
“I promise”. That is all you can say. All that you bear to say before you have to erase the distance between the two of you. His arms catch you and wrap around you in a tight embrace. Your lungs take in his scent whilst your hands try to memorize the way his shoulders feel under them. Your heart can only try and remember how this safety felt once you're gone again. “I love you”.
The three words leave your tongue without hesitation.
“I love you too”, he answers with his lips brushing against your temple. He kisses the top of your head before letting go. You already feel a little bit cold once his arms no longer hold you. He nods, hands reaching back down into his pockets. “Text me when you land”.
“Will do”, you say, the promise unsaid but understood in the quiet that follows.
He doesn't follow you down to the cab. You asked him not to. It would just have made everything harder, a little too real and dawning. At least not you can pretend that it's okay for another twenty minutes before you'll have to say the real goodbye.
//
12:30am
You're scrolling through the gallery on your phone. It´s a handful of pictures, mostly of Bellamy doing a silly face at the camera with you in the background totally unaware of him taking yet another selfie. A smile melts onto your lips, spilling over into laughter at the sight of Bellamy trying to mimic a grumpy Octavia with too much of a pouting lip. He can be such a clown when he´s in the mood for it. That laughter still lingers all over your face when Octavia pulls out the chair next to you, her dress now more than a little creasy and her makeup slightly smeared out around the eyes. What's even more eminent about her is the glow from her brown eyes - the glow of sheer joy and happiness.
Beautiful.
That is the only word you can think of, the only one that comes even close to feeling right, still even that is too small to describe her beauty.
She looks around, turning in her seat until she's covered all her angles. “Have you seen Bell?”, she then asks and those brown eyes land on you, filling you up with only a sip of that joy. It´s enough to make you feel lighter.
“Not for a while. Have you checked the bathrooms? Maybe he's finally getting laid”.
She scoffs as she leans back against the back of the chair, fingers toying with the hem of the table cloth. “I wish”, she replies and you can't help but smile again.
This is what life should feel like, you contemplate. It should be this enjoyable.
(It's second nature for you to be happy for others.)
(You still haven't mastered the skill of giving yourself the chance to do the same for yourself.)
Only a second later Lexa appears at the table, fumbling nervously with her phone, face neutral, eyes filled with storms. She looks at you once clearly and then away, but that is all you need to see through the clouds and the fake stillness in her expression.
"What's with the face?", you ask, catching Octavia´s attention and turning it towards Lexa.
The other girl sighs and walks around the table, one hand still holding the phone and the other brushing past the other chairs, until her hand lands on your shoulder. She presses down lightly and you immediately sense the tension in her body.
"Could you remind me again of why the hell I agreed on trying this long-distance thing. Again.", she mumbles and ends with a deep sigh.
"That bad?".
"Worse". You grab her hand lingering on your shoulder and squeeze it tightly in your own.
"Back the hell up", Octavia cuts in with her hands flailing in the air. You bite your lip, careful not to smile because that might just cost you your life. Your hand retracts and you situate yourself for what you expect could turn into an interrogation. Octavia stops, both hands still in the air, face scrunched up in an extremely confused stare directed above you, most likely focused at Lexa. "You're in a relationship? With… someone else?".
You lean back, the back of your head pressing into Lexa´s stomach, to look up at Lexa. She doesn't seem as concerned about her life considering there´s a teasing smile pulling at the corner of her mouth. She´s has a different kind of humour than one.
"Why didn't you say anything?", Octavia continues and you're forced to meet her stare yourself and you do so without moving your head more than to angle it back down, still pressed against Lexa´s stomach.
"It wasn't my place", you answer with a shrug of your shoulders, casing Lexa to move her hand off of you. She stays just as close though, only now with both of her hands placed on the back of your chair. You sense the vibrations rolling through Lexa´s abdomen, but the laughter doesn't reach the air. Still, it spreads from her over to your own body and you let out a short laugh before swallowing it back down. "I still don't understand how you could think that we were sleeping together".
"Yeah, if that was the case you really wouldn't have been able to miss it", Lexa adds and Octavia's eyes widen yet even more. She looks like she's just realized that the earth is round after a lifetime of believing that it's flat. Which could annoy you after all the times you've told her that nothing was going on between Lexa and you, but you let it slide, mostly because all you want to do is laugh at how shocked she seems. "To your defence, it's been off and on for a year so there wasn't much to tell".
You bite the inside of your cheek, knowing that there a whole lot that could be told about Lexa´s relationship, but it's not up to you to say anything at all - which is why you didn't say anything even though they've all had suspicions about the two of you.
Octavia narrows her eyes at you and that look is even more ridiculous than the one before.
When she gets up from her chair you're about seventy-five per cent certain that she'll cuss you off in Trigedasleng which is the last drop to you keeping that laughter in. Instead of doing that she stands tall and shakes her head ever so slightly with those eyes piercing yours.
"I'm still pissed, just so you know", she says as she turns and leaves you sitting there trying your best not to laugh.
(She'll bust your ass for it the coming months, over and over again.)
(Lexa and you will never really stop joking about it.)
Lexa’s gaze follows Octavia as she walks around you until she stands beside the chair Octavia sat in, when it finds its way back to yours she’s grinning annoyingly big. "That was fun".
You scoff in response. "I can't wait for Bellamy to find out". That in itself will be award-worthy. "Thank you", you continue.
"What for?".
"You know what", you say and tilt your head to the side.
Those green eyes look back at you and then she nods. (Although, she moves her weight from one foot to the other, back and forth. She won't say it, but she doesn't know how to deal with gratefulness. Just one other thing you cherish about her.) You're not really surprised, Lexa is greater than she lets on, bigger than what she allows herself to become, but you've seen past the quick comebacks and witty replies. She's the only one you know that would do that, without blinking, without thinking about consequences or rumours, the only one that would draw attention to herself to save someone else's face. Save Raven's face. Lexa is a one-girl kind of girl, whether she likes it or not, so when she drank and then replied the way she did you knew that it was all just an act.
“When do you want to leave?", you ask as you look around the room, pretty much all of Lincoln’s family has left and the ones that decided to stay are all the same age as you, which explains why no one has protested to the various drinking games that have their share of rounds.
Lexa sighs. "I need to get drunk before I can answer that question".
She heads straight for the bar and you can only shake your head as you watch her go. You should go with her and get equally as drunk, you both definitely need a night off. But when your head snaps to the left when a cold breeze brushes by you, you find the door to the patio open, so you go to close it. Only, when you look out your eyes land on the person leaning over the railing.
You should have learned by now, even dogs learn not to go near the fence if they've been stung with electricity before. You should know better, or maybe it's because of that that you close the door behind you and slowly walk over to her side. When you stand next to her, not close enough to touch her, but close enough you feel that suspense awakening somewhere in your core. Her eyes are focused, travelling over the sky with a calmness in them that sparks up memories of sleepy nights in front of the TV with the two of you sharing a blanket. (That was a long time ago.)
(For the first time this weekend you ask yourself: Who is she?)
(If only you could hear your heart whispering an answer back to you.)
"It's amazing". She almost breathes the words. They sound like an extension of the look in her eyes.
"What is?", you dare to ask, unable to actually look up at what she's mesmerized by.
"How little it changes. No matter where you are in the world, the sky looks the same, there are only fractions of changes in the placement of the stars", she explains and you listen to you every single word as you turn your face up to the sky and watch the many stars shining down at you. "No matter how far away I am from home, the sky looks the same".
"Where?".
Her jaws lock almost immediately. You watch it happen and then her trying to relax again. She licks her lips, and damn you for looking down at them if only for a second before she exhales heavily. A good try at letting go of that tension. She isn't fooling you.
"What?".
"Where is your home, Raven?", you ask and angle yourself more fully towards her.
She hesitates, opens her mouth almost on the second the question has left your lips but then closes it again. Her lips press together tightly and the sight makes you anxious.
"I remember how I used to come up with new names for the constellations when I was a kid because the real ones never made any sense to me", she then says and your head falls in disappointment. But. What did you expect. Nothing's that easy.
You breathe easy, but the air tastes heavy in your lungs. "You didn't answer my question", you reply with one hand reaching up to run through your hair.
"I don't have an answer".
It´s not those words that make you look up again. It´s the sigh that follows them. Perhaps not even then. It's more likely the sudden frustration and the way she grabs the railing that makes you lift your gaze. When you look at her all you see is confusion or is that what clouds your mind, and the way she leans forward as if the railing is the only thing keeping her up. That hurts. Because you've been there, still are considering who you brought as a plus one, and it hurts knowing that there´s something forcing her to feel weak. She´s far from weak.
"You know, when I found that note... I... I thought that I could hear my heart snap. I´ve missed you like crazy, Raven", you say and every word is a confession, is another jab at your heart and when her name evaporates off of your tongue your chest tightens.
"I´ve missed you too", she mumbles almost too low for you to hear, but you do. Oh, you do. And that, that sends all the pain right back up to the surface and tears prick at the back of your eyes.
This is the moment you've feared. The one you've known that you can´t control. The one that will leave scars.
"I hurt you”. It takes all of your strength to not reach out, to not let those tears fall, to not give in to the need to be close to her. Just for a heartbeat. “I get that. But why... why did you have to leave?", you manage to get out.
Her shoulders sag. Her head falls for a second and there's a tremble shooting through your body. Your fingers itch and the only satisfaction would be her warmth, her skin, her touch, the one thing you can't have without her permission.
"Clarke-".
"No, no Clarke. I want a real answer", you shoot and every word sends another wave of trembles through your limbs.
You watch her breathe. How her eyes return to the sky and even though you can only guess from where you´re standing, she's counting the stars by the way those lips move ever so slightly. It takes some time, more than you notice before she breathes out heavily and answers, "I needed to get away".
"From what?!", you shout and maybe it´s not as much at her but yourself.
"From you". There it is. The kill. The truth. The ugly and heart-breaking truth. The one that rings in your ears, jerking tears from the pit in your stomach, scorching your cheeks red with salt as those first tears fall and guilt settling in your chest. "I fell in love with the one person I´d let get close to me and I freaked out. I couldn't handle it anymore".
(The same aching pain is reflected in her eyes and that is why she keeps her gaze fixed at the sky.)
Licking your lips you give yourself a small chance to collect whatever strength you have left and the taste of your tears fills your mouth. "So leaving without saying anything to anyone was your only choice?".
"Yes. At that moment that was my only choice", she answers without a second going by, without her having to think about it. You are the only one that needs another moment to understand the weight of your question and the answer she gives. She tilts her head to the side and for a split second you think that she might look at you for the first time, but then her head falls back to its previous position. Her nails dig into the railing, scratching it, leaving lasting marks in the wood. "I don't expect you to understand it this but I did think that you of all people would, though", she says and that voice of hers is hoarse and you don't want to hear it knowing that it isn´t caused by anything other than tears.
"Why?".
"Because you know how it feels like to lose yourself", she answers with a sigh. "I felt so incredibly lost but I needed to lose myself completely before I could come back from it and I couldn't do that here”. (You try your best to hear here and not you.) “Since I was sixteen I've been putting on walls for everything, keeping myself out of reach to actually feel something and I couldn't do that anymore. So I left and I´m sorry if that hurt you, but I was hurting too", she finishes and you can't look away from her profile, even though it hurts more and more with every second.
The memory of her face inches from you, the taste of her lips still on your tongue and the thumping need in your stomach washes over you. You kissed her and she wasn't yours to kiss, nor were you hers. Even if she initiated it, you did absolutely nothing to stop it or her. Or yourself. You were Finn´s and that didn't matter at that moment, you didn´t care if you were somebody´s or if she wasn't yours. Your actions that day was the last straw, the very last she needed to fall off the edge. You took what she had wanted for so long, without caring about anything but what you wanted at that moment. You didn´t care.
She was the bigger person.
You hurt her.
"I agree with you", you mumble. In the corner of your eye, you can see her head turn and those eyes finally taking you in, but your own are determined to stay on the stars shining high above you. "The sky is amazing".
You don´t care if she sees the tears.
--
5:12am
You're awake. Frustratingly enough.
The room is dark. It´s quite apart from Lexa´s slight snoring next to you. You don't bother to shove her over onto her side to make her stop. It wouldn't help you with this sleeplessness anyway. Your body aches out of tiredness, both from behind up on your legs for as long as you were but mostly from the stress. Traces of that same stress still lingers in you, but they are no longer as prominent. Still, you can't for the love of your life fall asleep.
The party simmered down to a handful of people after the happy two left, whistles and howling following them all the way out of the hotel. Out of those people that stayed the only one you couldn´t take your eyes was also the one person who made your stomach flip. Not a coincidence. You kept to yourself though, with enough space between you to not feel her presence (who are you kidding though, she could have been halfway through town and you´d still feel her close to you). After what happened on the patio your mind seemed to be set on driving you crazy. Crazy with every thought of her. She laughed and you heard it, she talked and you listened, she cursed and a smile crept up to display over your lips. Yeah, distance and space didn't help when it came to her, not now, not ever. You stopped drinking even though Lexa prompted you to join her, but you were already close to throwing up by the aching feeling in your chest and mixing that feeling with alcohol wasn't an option. Lexa got drunk enough after an hour and you praised the Lord for her low tolerance to alcohol when you flung her arm over your shoulders.
You hurried through the goodbyes before dragging Lexa out of there.
(You didn´t turn around to have one last look, one last memory of her.)
(You didn't catch her eyes following you, slowly filling with sorrow, as you left.)
For as long as you remember you have never wanted to fade away as much as you did tonight. Losing your father made you angry, raging and explosive. Losing her the first time made you confused and questioning. But, walking into Lexa´s apartment it hit you that this truly was the second time you lost her. You felt it in your core when she talked about the stars, how she has already slipped out of your reach.
It hit you and if you weren't out of tears you would have cried.
If you hadn´t been mourning her for a year already you would have broken all over again.
What it comes down to is that you never stopped being broken, so there wasn't anything left to break.
You sigh and throw the sheets off of your body, most of it landing on top of Lexa. She's still in deep sleep, only mumbles some nonsense before kicking once towards your side of the bed. You watch her in the darkness, her calm face and even breaths. She doesn't know, or you didn´t tell her about the last conversation you had with Raven before she got significantly less present. Still, Lexa has never needed words to read you and certainly didn't need it tonight either. Surely, she'll ask in the morning and you will tell her everything. Perhaps she will tell you that it is for the best, that now everything has been said (just not that) and you can finally find closure. She will most definitely say it with confidence, but you already know that her eyes will look at you with empathy and pity.
Sleep does find you sometime later, but not until the sun has risen and casts its bright light in through the window. By then it's too late and your body is already humming to steady beat of your heart whispering the same sentence over and over again. Because if you´re not going to say it out loud it sure will let the words float through your veins as a constant reminder.
(I love you. I love you. I love you.)
--
9:00am
This has practically become a routine. Lexa gets up before you, does her morning workout (which you tried once and never again, she might look gentle but that girl does some hard-core exercise), if you haven't woken up yet she gets you of bed before jumping in the shower, you get breakfast going (apart from the coffee because that is holy to Lexa, honestly). This is why you are now sitting on top of the counter, chewing on some toasted bread, waiting for her to get out of the shower. Since she is most likely hungover, even though she won't own up to it, you've prepared bacon and scrambled eggs. All you really need is a cup of coffee and you're ready to go.
You're just about to devour another piece of toast when the doorbell goes off and you quirk an eyebrow in surprise or annoyance. Who´s even up at this time a Sunday, apart from Lexa (which you don´t understand, that woman is a mystery to you still).
“Can you take that?”, Lexa yells to be heard over the running water from the bathroom.
You jump off the counter and wipes your hands messily on your pants, Lexa´s grey track pants to be correct that you steal every time your sleep over. You don´t spare yourself a second look in the mirror before opening the door thinking that it must be an annoyed neighbour or someone coming to complain about their water pressure.
“Hel- Costia?”, you take a step back to take in the full image of the woman clad in a black coat.
She´s not caring anything other than a small purse and standing in front of you she looks like she's gotten just as much sleep as you did last night. Her deep brown eyes look at you with kindness, a small smile touching her lips before she speaks.
“Hi Clarke. Is she in?”.
You're still in shock and struggle to find your words. It's not until that deep gaze floats past you that you realize that the two of you are no longer alone.
“Costia?”.
You take a step to the side, now able to find the same shock on Lexa´s face. There are drops of water in her hair and a few running down her neck. She must have hurried out of the shower and into her clothes without more than messily drying her hair since her clothes stick to her body. She looks just as confused as you feel, probably even more considering the conversation they had yesterday. Or more like the fight, at least that's what you gathered from Lexa´s drunk explanation of what happened.
“Hey”, comes Costia´s answer, soft and tender. You´ve only heard her voice over Skype once or twice before and even then you thought that she had a lovely voice. Seeing her in person wasn´t something you thought that you would do, like ever, and now standing right there in front of you she is and the first thought that hits you (apart from that first one, what the hell) is that you understand what Lexa meant when she said that the girl was breath-taking beyond belief.
“What are you doing here?”, Lexa asks and finally breaks the pressing silence. You step away from the door as she does and try your best not to look too intently at the other girl.
“I was sick of not seeing you”, Costia answers, followed by a deep sigh. She shrugs her shoulders and takes that small step over the threshold. “I miss you”.
“Costia”, the name is sweet coming from Lexa and you feel incredibly misplaced watching the two women falling into each other's embraces. You scratch awkwardly at the back of your head as you turn away at the sound of them kissing.
“I should go”, you mumble as you reach for your jacket.
“No, no don't go. I mean it. Please stay and have breakfast with us”, Costa replies and you look from her to the other woman.
Lexa nods and you exhale, all of that awkwardness dying in that same breath. Perhaps it has changed now - she needs you this time. Through your friendship you've been the one that needs support, that needs to have someone there to listen and not to listen, on very few occasions has Lexa expressed that need. But looking at her now, even though a smile fills up her mouth her eyes tell you that there's more than happy to deal with in this situation. You should have guessed considering the weeks that have passed and how little she has talked about the girlfriend in question, she didn't really talk about her, to begin with, and that's just Lexa´s nature but however little it used to be is became even smaller.
“Okay. I´ll get the coffee started”, you answer and walk back into the kitchen with a teasing smile on your lips, an attempt at distracting her from whatever´s going on inside her head just now.
It works.
“No you won´t. Clarke. Don't you dare touch the percolator!”.
--
2:48pm
Getting home, Bellamy´s watching up dishes, his sleeves rolled up to his elbows and his hair up in a tiny ponytail.
You close the door shut behind you, spinning your keychain around your finger before dropping it into your pocket. You curse under your breath as you realize it's the wrong pocket, the one with the hole in it, you contemplate about struggling to get it out now or leaving it. You leave it. You're already frustrated enough as it is, that won´t get any better so in the future you can curse as much as she wants later but right now you don´t give a shit. You find Bellamy in the kitchen, washing dishes for once. The last time he did that must have been at Christmas. His sleeves are rolled up to his elbows, showing off that dagger he got tattooed covering most of his right forearm and his hair is up in the smallest bun you've ever seen. It looks ridiculous. But you're too tired to comment on it.
“Hi”, you exhale and his head turns to you.
“Hey. There's leftovers from lunch if you want some”.
“I already ate”, you answer while thinking back at Costia´s arrival and the fact that you'll have to explain to Bellamy that Lexa has a girlfriend and that she is not you. Preferably before Octavia has a chance to do it and work him into bothering you about it. You'll have that conversation, just not today.
All you want to do is shut off your brain. And every other organ of your body that hurts.
“I'll be in my room”, you tell him as you leave the room.
“You do know, don't you?”.
Bellamy's voice draws you back in again and you watch him wipe his hands dry on the towel flung over his shoulder.
“Know what?”, you ask with a stern expression. You're really not up to playing around today, whatever he wants to say he will just have to say it now and get it over and done with.
He laughs quietly for a moment and you can't figure out if it's sarcastic or not. It´s for the best that you don´t know. “She's still in love with you, Clarke”, he says and the fact that he doesn't say her name stirs up that pain in your gut.
You feel the tension in your jaw for too late to realize that your whole body has gone stiff.
“That doesn´t matter now”, you say, rather to yourself than to him. Like you can convince yourself of that lie as well. “She's leaving, again. So obviously it doesn't matter if she´s… if she loves me or not”, you stutter over the word.
It feels wrong to claim that she still loves you. Even though Bellamy seems to think she still does. It´s not up to you to decide if it's true or not. It never was.
“I don't know. Maybe she just needs a reason to stay”, he says and shrugs his shoulders, he then turns back to dry the dishes and fill up the cupboards with them.
You don´t ask him what that means, too scared that if you open your mouth now everything you've been bottling up will come out in one long sentence, and you don't have the capacity to shove it all back in again.
More than ever before you really just want to shut down, sleep and start all over tomorrow. Tomorrow when it's far too late to even think of her again because she'll be long gone. The door to your room opens with a creaking sound, you should really oil those hinges, and you practically moan when you step up to your bed to let yourself fall onto it face first. A few hours, that is all you need. Some sleep and you´ll be ready to deal with the rest of today. With a grunt you roll over onto your back, hands already roaming down your shirt to pull it up so that you can crawl into bed. As you sit up to undress your eyes fall shut for a moment, when they open again they land on something. Something that shouldn´t be there, on your floor. It must be one of your notes from class, it probably slipped out of one of the notebooks yesterday when you turn the whole room up and down looking for the bracelet Octavia instructed you to wear. You grunt more clearly when you get up to retrieve the paper, you unfold it as you straighten up after leaning down.
You´re eyes flicker from one word to another. Over and over again. Until...
It hits you like the back of a hand splitting up your lip. And all you can do is exhale as your eyes read the words once more.
Déjà vu.
It´s just like last time. The same panic fills you, only this time it's not too late. Something shoots through you like a wildfire and you crumble up the note, lungs taking in another breath. You´re out of the room in seconds and you're throwing on your jacket and shoes messily before you slam the door to the apartment shut behind you.
This is not happening, is all you can think. You won´t let it.
//
1:03am
Marriage had not been one of those things you thought that you would experience. It´s not uncommon in your family to not marry. None of your cousins has chosen to tight the knot and proceeded to start families anyway. A ring and a piece of paper do not make a lasting relationship, that was your uncle's first reaction to you telling him that you had proposed to Octavia. He was right of course. You didn't want to marry her just for the ring or the paper, to know that you were bound to each other by law. The reason for why is simple - you wanted to take the leap, go the distance, give all of what you could give to her. Maybe it hit you even before the two of you got involved, it's not unlikely, because since she became a part of your day to day life she's been one of the big constants.
You observe in silence how Finn knocks over another glass on his way over from his table to the far end of the bar, away from everyone else. His eyes flicker around without fixating on anything for longer than a few seconds and when he opens his mouth to speak it hangs open for a short moment before he actually seems to say anything. You can´t hear him, don´t need to know that he´s drunk.
Beyond that drunk even, he´s wasted.
Your childhood granted you many things, many abilities, all of which you've learned have helped you in your adult life. Growing up in a foster home was far from as tough and horrible as many seem to believe. Yes, you went from place to place until you eventually stood on the steps to Maoura and Luke Moore´s house. In a way they chose you and you them, and with them came a whole bunch of people who were willing to take you in and embrace you as family. However, the many turns back and forth before you settled at the Moore´s taught you a thing or two about adapting (but never give up who you are) and perseverance, respect and cheer will.
It made you appreciate family, not the one you've been born into but the one you choose yourself.
Perhaps that is why you find yourself moving towards Finn, face swept clean from happiness for a moment, determined to make something right before it goes terribly wrong. He looks up at you when you stop beside him, hands down your pockets, sleeves rolled up to your elbows and eyes trained at him.
"You should go home", you tell him and he furrows his brows immediately.
"There's still a party", he argues and drags his finger along the rim of the glass of whisky standing in front of him.
You keep your eyes on him even though he no longer looks back at you. "I mean it, Finn".
"Come on, man. Don't be like that", he mumbles as he takes the glass and brings it up to his lips.
Anger finds its way to your hands which quickly turns them into fists in your pockets. It´s not a fiery kind of anger, more of an aching one, one that has been building up for you don´t know how long.
You might not have let it go yet (forgiven yes but not forgotten), but the look on Clarke's face reminded you of too many nights spent overhearing Octavia on the phone with Bellamy, discussing Clarke's current state or lack thereof.
You never want her to feel that pain again.
You never want to see that look of fear and worry on Octavia's face.
Never.
You draw a breath as you turn around, giving Finn your back. "Go", you tell him and leave the anger with him.
--
1:55am
The quiet is welcomed. After all these hours spent celebrating, dancing and cherishing in this day nothing feels more right than this quiet. And the woman in your arms.
Octavia sighs with contentment with her head on your shoulder. You pull her closer to your side, your heart swelling with love. The cab drives off down the street, leaving the two of you alone in front of the building. Your apartment. No. Your home. A careful hand caresses your chest, drawing your eyes down to the dark-haired girl. She doesn´t stop the movement whilst the other hand reaches up to support under her head. Her eyes are out of reach, but not her heartbeat when you place a gentle kiss on her temple. It drums steadily and comforting.
“Are you happy?”, you ask with your lips brushing against her hair.
She hums in response before angling her head towards you. Her deep and brown eyes are lit up with a tender glow. Happiness radiates off her soft features and your struggle to keep your eyes on either of them for much longer than short moments before you've taken in all of her. The hand on your chest stills and as it does a full smile fills up her lips.
“Yes”, she answers with a soft and assuring voice.
“May I kiss you, wife?”, you murmur in a whisper.
“You may, husband”.
Her lips against yours are heavenly. She draws the air out of your lungs leaving you breathless and desperate for more. With her bottom lip trapped between both of your lips you pull her body against yours, flushed together, your arms holding her tight against your chest with your arms fully around her back. The kiss lasts longer than you´d expected and when you break apart you can feel the thumping of your heart, just as desperate as your hands gripping at her sides.
“Now can you please get me inside before I combust right here and now”, she mumbles with those gorgeous lips still on yours.
She doesn't have to ask twice.
--
10:00am
“You´re the best”, she whispers as you put down the tray on the nightstand. Her eyes quickly light up with joy and excitement even though she's just woke up. You seat yourself next to her, watching as she picks up a toast and sinks her teeth into it, a moan spilling out of her. It brings a smile to your lips and a fluttering feeling to your stomach.
“We should go tonight”, you say. She looks over at you, crumbles sticking to the jam around the corner of her mouth. You reach over to wipe it away but stop just before your thumb grazes over her skin. Instead, you lean in and press a gentle kiss to her lips, your tongue reaching out to taste her and get rid of that sticky jam. She tastes of strawberries. Leaning back you notice the slight change to her eyes, the depth to them and how her bottom lip now is caught between her teeth. There´s time for that, you think for yourself. “Classes don't start until next week anyway. Let's take a few days just for us. Like a mini-honeymoon”, you propose and she quickly puts down the toast on the tray again.
“I love you”, she replies and leans over to you.
“And I you”.
Her kiss is soft and gentle, daring as her tongue brushes past your lips without pressing further. There will never be too much time, you think and smiles once she pulls away.
“When is Raven´s flight again?”.
“Six”, you answer and check the watch on the nightstand. It´s just a few minutes past 10 am. “She said she'd be here around three to get her stuff”.
“I can't believe she actually came”, Octavia mumbles with a genuine
“I know. And now she's leaving again”
The dark-haired woman looks up at you again, this time with sadness flashing over those eyes. This day is going to be one of the harder ones, you know it. “Yeah”, her voice confirms your fear and you nod mostly to yourself.
After finishing up eating you just lay in bed together, playing with your rings, kissing even though neither of you can stop laughing after remembering Jasper and Monty´s dance from last night. This is the way it should be, you catch yourself thinking when she snuggles into your side as she reads the card of one of the wedding gifts your family bought you. This is how life should be - warm and happy.
She only leaves your side to pick up her phone when it goes off. She answers the call with a smile on her face, but it quickly fades and you watch as her eyes flicker from nowhere to somewhere else in front of her in confusion.
“Hang on. She´s not there? No she hasn´t come here. But when did she leave?”, she says and you sit up against the headboard frowning. Her eyes flicker towards you with distress in them.
“What´s going on?”.
“Raven´s gone”.
“She can't just disappear out of thin air”, you reply, hands already fumbling over the covers to retrieve your phone.
“Bell woke up and she wasn't there”.
“Has he tried her phone?”, you ask as you unlock your own and quickly scroll through your contacts until dialling her number.
She doesn't answer the first time. Nor the second. When you dial for the third time you are standing up, eyes searching for your car keys (which are in the bowl on the coffee table, like they should be) so that you can run out and jump into the car like you think that you can speed to the airport and get her back. That isn't necessary though, because after the sixth dialtone goes through you're met with that clicking sound.
“Isn't this a little early for you? I thought you'd be out of it today”, she answers with a laugh.
“Where are you?”, you ask with a stern tone. Octavia's eyes look at yours with suspense, she doesn´t say it but you know she's thinking it because you are too.
”Chester´s. Why?”.
You close your eyes and exhale before nodding as if to yourself. “She's still here”, you say and Octavia passes on the message to Bellamy. “You made Bellamy think you´d left or something”, you explain as you move out of the bedroom.
”Oh-okay. I´ll take a cab back”.
“Are you okay though?”, you have to ask to soothe your thoughts. Not that you really believed that she would just take off like that, again, but now when the thoughts are there in your head you just need to make sure that everything is as it should. You don't want any more surprises this weekend.
”Yeah, I think so”, she replies and then breathes out heavily. “I'll see you later”, she says and hangs up before you have time to answer.
You look down at your phone, watch the screen go black. It's crazy how much that girl means to you and how much love you hold for her. Blood has never been strong to you, she's definitely proof of that. Octavia's off her phone as well when you return to the bed, but her eyes are shaded with the same worry crawling under your skin.
“Where was she?”.
A sigh rolls off your lips. “Chester´s”.
“That´s on the other side of town, Lincoln”, she then says and shakes her head slightly. You know the feeling. She wouldn't go there just for the thing of it. She said she was better, you think, she said that she wasn´t bothered during the nights anymore.
“Yes, it is”, you reply absentmindedly and drop the phone onto the covers, your body follows as you slump down on the edge of the bed. She sounded sober, so that´s a good thing, but it doesn't really measure up to the worry of knowing that she's felt the need to retreat to a place like that.
Octavia brings you back to reality with soft hands and fingers gently pressing into your shoulders. It´s only when you look at her that you realize that she has scooted over to you.
“En´s good”, she whispers. Her fingers now tracing small patterns over your skin.
You hum in response. A warm smile spreading to your lips. She´s right. At least you should believe that it is okay for now. With her it is okay.
--
3:18pm
Picking up the last bag of Raven´s bags feels like giving up some of that hope. You wouldn't admit it out loud, but you had hoped that this weekend would lead to her considering staying for at least a little longer. But it´s like she said - she has other responsibilities now, some of which she can´t ignore any longer. You should be proud of her real and you are, but just today you feel a smidge let down. The phone rings with its familiar tone and you reach over to the coffee table to snatch it before it goes to voicemail. You glance over the name on the caller before putting the phone to your ear, the other hand readjusting your grip of the bag.
“Clarke?”.
”Where is she?”.
You stand back up straight as you take a second look around to make sure Raven has got all her stuff with her. “Who?”, you answer absentmindedly.
”Raven. Do you know where Raven is?”, the voice of the blonde woman is rushed and heavy.
“She's here, she's just getting ready to leave for the airport”, you reply and nod a little to yourself when you've checked the room. She goes quiet on the other end, besides her breathing you can´t hear anything else. And then not even that. “Clarke?”. There's no answer so you check the screen but it only tells you that the call ended.
“Who was it?”, Octavia asks as she steps out of the bedroom, hands busy putting her hair up.
“Clarke. She hung up on me”, you say with a frown.
“Weird. Did she say what she wanted?”.
“She wanted to know if Raven was here. She sounded really out of breath”, you explain. You´re expecting a response, at least her humming or something, so when she doesn't say anything at all she draws your attention to herself. You find her frozen in what looks like a state of total confusion. “O?”, you try but there´s nothing. Then a smile fills up her lips and she shakes her head slowly. You fling the bag over your shoulder, one brow hitched when she looks back at you. “Octavia, what do you know?”, you ask and she only scoffs.
“Nothing. That's the thing, I know nothing”.
“I don't get it”.
She hums to that and points at you. “Yeah, yeah me too”, she answers as she passes you on her way out the door.
“What”.
There's no logic to any of what just happened. But you don't have time to analyse it, less time to question it because she's already out the door and the watch on your wrist tells you it’s time.
On the street Raven’s observing as the cabdriver fling her stuff into the trunk. Octavia has her arms around the other woman’s waist, her chin on the older one´s shoulder whilst mumbling something inaudible. Raven replies with a simple “yes” before she turns and takes the younger one into her arms.
You watch time in silence. You're not the only one who feels like you're losing something, at least this time you get the chance to say goodbye. That's more than anyone got the last time. Raven's dark eyes shoot up to meet yours, shaded with that familiar tiredness you remember from the months she spent trying to let go of those unwavering emotions. You won't ask her about it. Not today. Not now. There will come a time when she'll be strong enough to bring it up herself and you'll be right here waiting for her.
The two women let go of each other and you join them after shoving the last bag into the trunk.
“We'll see you soon, yeah?”, Octavia asks and you join her as she locks her eyes on Raven.
“Yes”, she says with a hint of a smile on her lips. She doesn't look as... sad as before. She might look tired, but there's a light behind those dark eyes up close, almost as if there´s something new about her. When her eyes fully meet yours you know, maybe not in the way that makes your heart feel less heavy or your mind cleared of the worry for her, but in the way that sparks a little bit of hope in you. She's okay. “I promise”, she tells you and you know for sure now - something is different.
She always fulfils her promises.
You take her into your arms one last time, holds her tight and fully.
“I promise”, she repeats against the crook of your neck and you nod as you let go.
She gets in the cab before either of you say anything else, maybe there's nothing left to say. It´s sad to see her go and even though you know you´ll see her again there's nothing for her here anymore. Nothing indicates that she would choose to come back even if she declines that offer to take over the club. And the longer time she spends away from the people that care for her the more she changes, for the better of course, but she'll also notice that the world has so much to offer her if she'd just take the chance.
Both you and Octavia watch the car, waiting for that inevitable moment when it will turn around the corner of the street. Only. It has barely signalled for a turn when a voice reaches the both of you. No. Not a voice. A familiar scream. The next thing you know something light appears in the corner of your eye.
Clarke.
She comes rushing down the street, not stopping to even spare either of you a look.
“Raven!”.
Her voice cares about the dark-haired girl´s name down the street. It takes another second and then the backlights of the cab flashes bright red. It pulls to a stop. When you see Raven slipping out of the backseat you feel Octavia´s hand reaching for yours and she clutches to your hand desperately. All you can do is hold on to her just the same as the two of you watch almost as if the next minute plays like a movie.
Clarke stops in front of the other woman. Hair messy and with a heaving chest. The dark-haired woman expression is hard to read even for you, one part of you thinks that she looks relieved and the other that she looks completely afraid. Maybe it's both. They talk, the blonde one unable to stand still for more than a few seconds at a time whilst the other stands right where she stepped out of the car. Whatever Clarke´s saying it causes Raven´s cheeks to flash red and reach up to run a hand through her hair, only it´s up in that ponytail of hers so the arms slumps back to her side. It´s then you notice Clarke´s hands or rather her hand and what's in it.
She's clutching a crumpled up piece of paper.
What happens next shocks you the most. Raven moves for the first time, taking a quick step towards the other woman, erasing the distance between them as she pulls her into her arms. They just hold each other in that tight embrace for what feels like hours but really passes by in seconds. When they finally let go Raven reaches up and wipes her face with the back of her hand, a motion you haven't seen for a very long time. Some part of you still waits for the curtain to drop or for them both to go off, but instead, they only look at each other.
And then Raven gets back into the cab. But. Her hand reaches out through the still-open door and Clarke takes it in hers before sliding into the backseat as well. The car starts to move only a split second later and disappears around the corner.
The next thing you know Octavia pulls out her phone and angles the screen towards you to see as well.
Raven (3:39pm): It's okay
For the first time in a very long time you believe it too.
It´s okay.
-----
I'm sorry. Let me pick you this time?
/R