dancin' past the point of no return/ let go, we can free ourselves from all we've learned/ i love this secret language that we're speaking/ say it to me/ let's embrace the point of no return
- disclosure ft. lorde, "magnets"
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She's dancing past the point of no return and she can feel it. She can feel it in all of her senses. It's like she's driving at 100 miles per hour when she knows a stop light's coming up dangerously soon.
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Camilla doesn’t understand how Lauren isn’t being affected by this. She doesn’t understand how her sudden epiphany was enough to make her physically let out an audible gasp barely just in time for her put her hand to her mouth while Lauren is still there--sleeping soundly in the seat right next to her. The magnitude of her thoughts were so great and so profound and yet it seems that Camila is the only one who can feel the effect it has.
It almost wasn’t fair.
Camila can’t comprehend the way everyone on the plane is sitting down and minding their own business when the way Camila feels about her best friend is so painfully obvious.
(Well, now that she finally figured it out.)
Can she even call her that anymore? Camila thinks for a second and decides that she's just being stupid, and yeah, she still can because there’s technically nothing going on between them.
(And probably nothing ever will.)
And yet, there’s even a part of Camila that wants to reach over and just shake the girl screaming, “Wake up, dumbass! I’ve been in love with you ever since I can remember and I’ve only just figured this out approximately five minutes ago!”
But of course, that would be a terrible idea in more ways than it being unprofessional.
Camila never really liked that word. It's the word her parents would call her when she was young and was dragged to church on Sunday mornings even though all she wanted to do was sleep when she fidgeted in the dress she was forced to wear, it's the word her teachers would describe her as at parent-teacher meetings, it's the word management likes to use a lot when her and the girls do something they don't like, and it's the word used to describe Camila's feelings towards her best friend and fellow coworker.
Camila is thankful Lauren’s asleep because she’s pretty sure she looks like she’s about to jump out of this plane and she really doesn’t feel like answering any questions as to why she looks like this.
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“Hey,” Lauren mumbles sleepily, just waking up. She turns to face the girl and her brow furrows at the way Camila was so startled at the sound of her voice. “What’s up?”
Camila swears her stomach does an actual backflip as she tries to think of something cool to say.
“Us,” she finally finds her voice, “we’re up.” She gives the older girl the best smile she can muster at the moment. "Get it? 'Cause... ya know... we're on a plane."
Nice one, Camila, she thinks.
Lauren gives her the giggle that’s only reserved for Camila’s bad jokes and for a moment Camila thinks that maybe it isn’t that different--that she’ll be able to act the same as she always had around her.
Lauren yawned and went back to that dumb smile temporarily stuck on her face that she always makes after she laughs at something Camila says, and it makes her take back what she thought about being able to act the same way she always has.
Lauren stopped giggling, but her eyes are still fixed on her and she brushes a strand of hair out of Camila's face.
"Sorry..." Camila could barely hear her raspy voice. "...'s bothering me."
Camila doesn't even try to ask Lauren to repeat what she just said because she doesn't exactly trust whatever comes out of her mouth at this moment.
The touch of the older girl's warm hand was light and lazy and yet it was still enough to make Camila completely forget about the word 'unprofessional' for an entire minute.
Her eyes take a sudden interest in the design of her chair's arm rest as Lauren's fingers linger on her cheek. They're still there when she gains enough courage to look up.
Lauren has a ghost of a smile on her lips that no one else but Camila could notice and the light from the window made her eyes look effulgent. This was almost a daily sight for Camila and she still thinks it's the best thing to ever exist in this entire universe.
But now it felt a little different. Now it feels like she's looking at something her eyes aren't even supposed to be on. It feels like looking at a piece of art that was only meant for people that aren't the likes of her. It is like looking at a piece of art that was only meant for people that aren't the likes of her.
Camila doesn't understand how something so simple is so complex at the same time. She is in love with Lauren Jauregui and that was it. That's all there really is to it. But her feelings itself are something so much more than simple that it would frustrate her to no end that she isn't able to explain it, so she doesn't bother to for now.
She's perplexed at how it took her almost four years to notice this. It's only been about an hour and she's not sure if she'll be able to focus her attention on anything other than the sleepy girl next to her ever again.
And right now Lauren's still looking at her like she was some type of goddess straight out of a painting and Camila's looking back at Lauren the same way and the words are on the tip of Camila’s tongue.
Her feelings are heavy and so obviously there and it's just hanging in the air waiting for someone to notice it.
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Camila knows she's been past the point of no return a long time ago.