we're biting our nails/ you're biting my lip/ and i'm biting my tongue
- lorde, "a world alone"
-
Unprofessional.
Camila never really liked that word. It's the word her parents would call her when she was young and was dragged to church on Sunday mornings even though all she wanted to do was sleep when she fidgeted in the dress she was forced to wear, it's the word her teachers would describe her as at parent-teacher meetings, it's the word management likes to use a lot when her and the girls do something they don't like, and it's the word used to describe Camila's feelings towards her best friend and fellow coworker.
-
1.
Apparently being in high altitudes does wonders for the thought processing of Camila's brain because it only took her about five minutes after Lauren fell asleep for her to realize that she was in love with the girl sitting next to her.
(Well, give or take about three-and-a-half years along with those five minutes.)
Camila can't help but be dramatic, but it was like an earth-shattering epiphany that changed her entire life and hit her hard, making her sit up in her seat and gasp out loud, luckily only earning a weird stare from the flight attendant that happened to be passing by where she was seated, because everyone else seemed to be sound asleep.
Camila should have been out like a light just like her other friends. She hasn't exactly been getting her 8 hours of sleep these past few busy months of them running around and doing whatever management wants them to do. (All of that takes too long to say so she just likes to call it 'band stuff'.) But she realized that sleep wasn't gonna come to her anytime soon, so she didn't make too much of an attempt.
It's been about 20 minutes since her revelation and so far she's taking the whole thing well enough. It's not like she's going to deny any shred of emotion she has for Lauren.
(Well, it's not a matter of needing to deny anything, but more like a matter of whether or not she wanted to, and she doesn't really want to.)
And right now Lauren's starting to wake up and she's staring at the younger girl with a type of adoration that probably matches the look on Camila's own face and all she wants to do is say it.
But that wouldn't be very professional of her.
She's part of a world-renowned girlband with cameras everywhere she turns, and management practically breathing down her back, and fans who seem to know many things that not even she knows about herself; she can't risk anything at this moment.
(Or ever, actually.)
There's also that other factor that there is virtually no chance that her best friend could be thinking about her in the same way either.
With her career on her mind and her friendship on her heart, it takes all her strength for her to not say anything to the pair of brilliant green eyes that seem to shine before her.
-
The plane lands and Camila forces the idea of something more into the back of her brain, where it has the chance of manifesting into everything she does.
But for now, she does nothing about it because it's new and risky and she likes the rush it brings to her senses.
(She looks down at her hands and realizes she was biting her nails.)
2.
"You're beautiful, you know," Lauren says, her statement almost unintelligible because of a yawn that decided to bubble up in the middle of her sentence. "Like, not just physically, but, like, also your personality."
Camila loves it when Lauren's like this.
It's 2 in the morning and she knows they should be sleeping, but they both would rather be in the company of each other instead.
They never got to do anything together with just the two of them anymore because of the band's busy schedule.
Sometimes Camila likes to think that this is her favorite Lauren. The Lauren who's sleep-deprived brain has no filter on (more so than usual) and that words just come out of her mouth without any thought behind it whatsoever.
Camila smiles in the darkness. "So are you."
-
They're currently sitting on the roof of the house that the girls rented in LA because they were in the middle of recording a new album.
At 11:30pm, Lauren asked her to come up to the roof with her because she felt like having a smoke and she didn't want to be alone.
First, Camila chastisted the girl about the dangers of smoking and how it's eventually gonna turn into a habit if she doesn't stop and how much she didn't like it. Lauren (of course) caved in and agreed not to smoke as long as Camila joins her on the roof.
Then, Camila jokes about how edgy and tumblr Lauren is and all Lauren does is laugh along and tells her that she "decided to take that as a compliment".
("You're so lame," the younger girl says.
Lauren scoffs. "Whatever, it's my aesthetic." She wiggles her eyebrows and bumps her shoulders with Camila's. "It's your aesthetic too, loser. I follow you on tumblr, remember?"
You're my aesthetic, Camila wants to say, but instead she just replies with, "I was hacked; I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about."
"Mmhm.")
They manage their way up on the roof with only mild struggling on Camila's part.
("It's all in the legs, Camz, come on!"
"I don't need your bullshit, Lauren, just pull me up.")
-
They look at the stars for a while and Camila calls Lauren a "lame aesthetic blogger" one more time because, "We're literally looking at the stars at two in the morning right now. This is, like, the most romanticized thing ever."
Lauren rolls her eyes and reminds Camila that, "Like you should be talking, you literally just reblogged some quote about falling in love and looking at the stars, like, three hours ago. Don't deny it, Camz, you're as much as a lame aesthetic blogger as I am." Then she added with a teasing smile, "Probably even bigger."
Camila ignores the part that she said about falling in love, because it's better not to get any hopes up.
(But it's kind of hard to do that when the girl you're in love with calls you beautiful and means it.)
But she laughs, still genuine.
The stars are shining overhead and Camila really is a big sucker for them, just like Lauren said.
(She's an even bigger sucker for the way the stars dimly illuminate her best friend's face and make her eyes look almost silvery-green.)
But Lauren gets on the subject about recording, and Camila is unfortunately reminded of where she is and who she is, and she tries to keep it as professional as she can (well, as professional as two friends on a roof can get without making it too weird), even though she now fully understands the reason why people romanticize the stars so much and so often.
3.
She's sitting in a room made up of bleak white walls with a huge and neatly organized brown desk in the middle of it. An important looking man that "owns both of our asses" as Camila's manager called it, was seated in a big office chair behind the desk and directly across Camila.
On her left was her manager and on her right was her friend, Shawn Mendez and his manager.
(She might have a feeling as to what this is about.)
The big man across from her started talking, but Camila didn't hear anything. It was like she was underwater, only hearing the muffled sounds of voices, but she was nodding the entire time like she 100% knew what the man was saying.
"Camila and Shawn... fans... interviews... social media... pictures... at least a few months..."
She caught a few words, but she was still underwater and there's a ringing in her ears, and her brain didn't want to cooperate.
There was more talking mostly coming from the two managers and then some more nodding on Camila's part. Then there was hand shaking and signing and then they were escorted out the room.
Camila finally snaps out of it as her manager gives her a recap of what was said.
He tells her about the plan for her and Shawn to publicly become an item right around the time their new album releases.
(She blanks out again, but this time she hears enough to know what this all means.)
He asks her if she has any questions after he's done explaining and Camila says no. She understands the gist of it.
It's not like she should be so surprised. She really shouldn't be. Her and Shawn have been seen together a lot and she's seen the fans talk about them on social media. Even interviewers would ask about the state of their relationship from time to time.
(She always tells them nothing but the truth, of course, when she briefly explains how good friends her and Shawn are.)
And it's not like she hasn't thought about the idea before. It'd be really good publicity for both of their careers and it's not like Shawn is the worst guy in the world. He's not a stranger either; they both obviously have really good chemistry together and Dinah even asked her if she was sure she wasn't into him one time.
(So why does this all feel like one bad punch to the gut?)
(That was rhetorical; of course she knows why.)
But Camila has to stay professional, and professionals don't argue with their bosses. Professionals do whatever they have to do in a calm, level-headed manner.
She doesn't argue with her manager. She just nods again and again until she feels like a bobble head doll.
Camila feels void of any emotion, but she gives Shawn a reluctant smile, and he says something to her, but the ringing came back, so she laughs at whatever he had to say.
Camila exits the building as she wonders if their friendship is ruined now.
But Camila is a professional young adult in the music industry and so is Shawn, so when they look back at this, they'll both understand what happened when they stop talking to each other after this publicity stunt is done.
4.
It didn't take long for the girls to find out.
It was a few days later and their manager invites the girls to breakfast as a reward for finishing some tracks for their album.
It'd be better and would cause less confusion if the rest of the girls heard about it from him first, he says, before rumors start to get out of hand.
Camila looks down at her uneaten food the entire time. She didn't see the looks on her friends' faces and she didn't want to.
(Especially a certain person's.)
-
The girls weren't mad; at least that's what Normani says and everyone else agrees with her, nodding their understanding.
Camila gives them a smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes and she nearly cries.
(She doesn't really know why.)
-
Camila finds Lauren on the roof, as expected.
(The girls finally get to help with the writing of some songs and Lauren says being up on the roof gives her some "better flow to her creative juices".)
Lauren acknowledges her with a quirk of her eyebrows and a small smile.
They sit there in silence until Camila breaks it, saying, "What do you really think about this whole Shawn thing?"
Lauren gives her a small shrug of the shoulders, which was the only way Camila knew that Lauren heard her, and she looks out into the distant city lights of the already setting sun. She didn't say anything for only a few seconds, but it was enough for Camila to panic a little and overthink things.
Finally, she says, "Well, for starters, I think it's kinda fucked up how you have to do something that stupid just so this band can get some publicity."
Camila blinks. This was definitely her Lauren. The Lauren who doesn't really hold anything back and doesn't sugarcoat.
It was oddly comforting.
Lauren continues. "But I know you don't get much of a choice in whatever bullshit this is. I'm not mad at you if that's what you're thinking."
Camila's heart feels somewhat lighter.
Lauren turns to fully look at her. "I could never be mad at you, Camz."
(Only somewhat.)
"There's a chance that you will be." Camila couldn't help but say her thoughts in a small and incoherent murmur.
If I told you everything I felt about you, you'd hate me for the rest of your life.
"What was that?"
If I told you I was in love with you, we'd be done for good. I'd be hated by not just you, but everyone who would be affected by our would-be-ruined relationship. It would all be my fault that our careers would be in jeopardy.
"Hmm? Oh, I didn't say anything."
Camila could see a question arise in Lauren's eyes.
"You don't--" Lauren visibly hesitates for just a second. "Uh, you don't actually like him, of course, though."
Camila wasn't sure if that was a question or a statement.
"Of course not, Lo."
Lauren nods like all she needed was some sort of affirmation.
There was a time when they were younger and they would tell each other everything. From the cute guy they saw at the airport to all the weird things their family has done.
That all seems like forever ago to Camila. They've all grown up in a short amount of time, and the bonding between the two girls became less frequent.
Lauren moves closer to her just a little; Camila didn't want to move away.
(She physically couldn't make herself, either.)
From their close proximity, Camila thinks it'd be fairly easy to just lean in and kiss her.
In any other circumstance, maybe she would have.
(If they weren't professionally linked together.)
Camila imagines some other universe where they're just best friends who managed to climb on some random roof somewhere to watch the sunset.
Camila's imagination might have gotten a little too carried away, because she finds herself leaning closer to Lauren.
And Lauren was leaning towards the girl, too.
(Like opposite sides of a magnet.)
(Or maybe Camila's still inside her imagination.)
Their noses brush and Camila's thoughts about her still imagining this was refuted.
Camila wants to stop. She wants to tell the older girl to stop. She wants to tell her how this really isn't professional at all.
Much to Camila's luck, her phone buzzes a loud and obnoxious sound that seems to vibrate in the air around them, and they both jump two feet away from each other.
Camila's sure her face is as pink as the sky.
(She's pretty sure Lauren's is too, but she doesn't dare look at the other girl at this moment. Or for the rest of her life.)
"That was Dinah." Camila's still looking down at her phone like her neck is stuck that way. "She needs me." She stumbles over the last few words as she almost trips herself trying to stand back up.
(It's kind of hard to be aware of your surroundings when you're only looking down.)
"Yeah," Lauren's voice rasps, hardly above a whisper. "See you inside, Camz."
Camila almost didn't catch that because of the deafening thumping of her heart, dividing her attention from trying not to die by climbing down the particularly high roof.
(She briefly considers jumping off, but decides against it because all that would do is give her a number of broken bones and a scolding or three. Also there's that slight chance that she could die.
And she's not that overdramatic.)
Camila crawls into the open window and she wonders if they'll ever talk about it.
(They don't.)
5.
They're jammed in a supply closet in the depths of some venue in some city that Camila can't really remember right now.
(Well, she can't really think at all right now.)
Camila's toes are lightly overlapping Lauren's and her arms are wrapped around the taller girl's neck, one hand gently pulling on her hair.
How she even got into this position, Camila didn't know.
(She's kind of currently unable to recall anything that happened up to now.)
All she knows is that Lauren has her pinned against the door and she's biting Camila's bottom lip and--Okay, this is nice.
Camila's legs are basically jell-o, and she's pretty sure if Lauren wasn't gripping her waist, she would have fallen into the mop bucket, knocking over all the racks on the way to her fall a long time ago.
She should be pulling away. She should be stopping both of them from doing anything further because the rest of the girls are probably tearing the place up, looking for them, and it wouldn't be very good if they found the both of them alone in a supply closet, filling the entirety of the small room with a chorus of moans.
(Which, by the way, sounds better than any chorus the two of them have ever sang together.)
Lauren's hands finds their way under her shirt, and Camila forgets about the existence of the word professional and all of its synonyms.
They eventually pull away, their foreheads still touching, and breath mingling with one another's.
"We should," Lauren said in-between pants, "probably go back."
(It takes Camila all her willpower to not kiss the girl in front of her again.)
Camila nods and hums in agreement.
-
Their manager nearly has a heart attack when he spots the two girls making their way over to the dressing room.
"Jesus Christ, you two! We had no idea where you girls were!"
Camila bites her tongue as Lauren says, "We were just exploring."
"Well, you two have to hurry and get into makeup! Let's go, you girls have caused us to run behind schedule!"
Their manager's yelling and the tense pre-show atmosphere seems to have snapped Camila out of her daze and she suddenly remembers who she was.
She was Karla Camila Cabello and she just made out with her best friend and coworker.
A hand drags her off into makeup, and Camila wonders if that's gonna be a normal thing with them from now on, the whole kissing thing.
She's envision her and Lauren kissing a thousand times more than she'd like to admit.
(But she never imagined the feeling she'd get after as a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.)
She looks back, searching for any sign as to what Lauren was feeling, but Lauren was already in her pre-show mode, doing vocal warm ups.
(Camila knows that Lauren doesn't need any type of warming up in the vocal area.)
She gets seated down in front of the mirror, the bright lights blinding her for the first few seconds until her eyes adjust.
Camila takes a good look at herself. Her lips are red and swollen, her hair was disheveled, and it looked like her eyes were permanently opened wide in either shock or surprise.
(She'd even laugh at herself if she didn't feel like crying.)
-
At near the end of the show, Camila's "surprised" to see Shawn walk up to her onstage, flowers in his hand and a smile on his face.
(They've gone over this with their managers and they told Camila to expect this type of thing.)
But Camila is especially professional onstage, so she smiles the biggest smile she thinks she's able to do at the moment, and brings her mic up to her mouth, and calls him cute for all of the arena to hear.
He gives Camila a quick kiss on the lips and the fans go wild.
(All she can taste is Lauren's strawberry chapstick.)