Chapter 7
Joan wasn’t sure how long it was before the silence was broken. It felt like an eternity where she held the tension of restraint. This gift, this touch; she did not want to take more than what was being offered. “About what happened in my office?”
“Yes?”
“I…I’m not sure why I did what I did in that moment.”
Vera retracted her hand then and took a step to the side. She realized that this could be a giant misunderstanding and she’d taken a chance that was being politely refused. Reading Joan was always so difficult. She kept so much to herself. Sometimes Vera thought that Joan held up a hand of cards close to her chest, but instead of clubs and spades there was an array of emotions like old Greek theater masks; the player’s poker face experienced and sure.
“No. Vera. I mean…I meant.” Joan shifted uncomfortably.
“Have a made a fool of myself? Joan, please be honest.” Vera could not will herself to look up at her.
"No." Joan get out an exasperated sigh, "No. It's not that. It's..." She rubbed her hands over her face. Joan was so frustrated because she was a well-spoken woman and she was unable to form the words she needed to tell Vera that she wanted to lay her down in the grass right then and explore every inch of her.
The wine was still affecting her ability to think completely clearly, and she wasn't sure if she should stop drinking for the night or break open another bottle. With a groan she sat down on the lawn. "I'm just sorry I kissed you in my office." Joan finally managed.
Vera's heart dropped. She closed her eyes and willed herself not to snap back an answer that could hurt just as much as she felt at that moment. "Maybe I should go."
"Vera. Wait." Joan turned her head so she could look up at Vera. "Please, let me finish."
Reluctantly Vera sat but far enough that Joan could not reach over and touch her. "What are you trying to say, Joan? Because what I'm hearing is that you like sending very mixed messages."
This was true, Joan thought, but not to Vera. Not intentionally. "Look..." Joan moved over closer to Vera and she could feel Vera's tension. "I regret doing that because, well, it wasn't the right time. Vera, look at me."
Vera snapped her head to face Joan. She noticed then that Joan was trying very hard to articulate herself. The light from the moon picked up the lip bite and and furrowed brow. Vera softened a bit. "What are you trying to say? Just tell me."
Joan leaned herself over and connected with Vera's lips. It was tentative, and non-demanding. There was an awkward moment where they stared at each other with surprised eyes before Vera closed her eyes and relaxed. This was what she wanted? She pulled away slightly for a moment and they shared the same breath in silence.
"I wanted to make sure it's what you wanted, Vera. I wanted to make sure I could have you freely," Joan murmured against Vera's mouth.
It is what I want. I want Joan. I want her.
Vera put a hand up and cupped Joan's face and initiated the next kiss. This one was more demanding as Joan parted her lips slightly, but not before smiling against Vera's wanting mouth.