Chapter 4
The fact that she had invited Vera over was a big step for Joan. Putting herself out there with the option to be rejected was something she tried her utmost to avoid. She was the type who demanded, not asked, and so it was very possible that Vera would not come and all the preparations would be for naught. A panic gripped her when this was a realization and she had to close her eyes to regulate her breathing and concentrate on her heartbeat. She thought back to that awkward kiss. She had been the one to pull away; Vera had not kissed her back. Vera hadn't said anything though regarding that event, so she hoped that Vera had simply been unsure of Joan's intentions. She could not think of anything that she could give Vera that didn't not seem saccharine or impersonal, and so she thought the best gift would be to give herself. To give the option of herself, anyway, if it was wanted. Joan could honestly not think of a gift more personal and more outside her comfort zone, but it was what Vera deserved. She had grown very fond of Vera. It had a very, very long time since she had had any feelings for anyone, but the way that Vera looked at her with admiration, respected her, trusted her and laughed made Joan feel complete.
Joan knew that to put aside her need for control, to let herself be vulnerable, she would have to get unbelievably drunk. She believed that no one ever did something drunk that they wouldn't do sober, but her need for absolute command ran so deep in her that it was part of her DNA. Vera did so much to please her, and she tried so very hard to please her. Joan mostly took it for granted, but she also knew that good behavior needed positive reinforcement at times for it to justify itself. Joan was just unsure how she could disentangle herself from what she knew, to allow herself to be open to what Vera could have from her.
It was on her third glass of wine that Joan felt ready enough to go to her room and strip. She stood and looked at herself long and hard in front of the mirror. She had spent so long in this body and she still could not accept it. For so many years she had to put up with jeers, insults and jokes. These things had hardened her to the point that her exterior was like polished stone, but her mind was like Kintsugi. Instead of gold though, there was cyanide and tar painted over with leaf. The liquor had allowed her though to look at herself with a disassociated stare. She could simply look and trace the scars that she had endured. Would she want this? Me?
It wasn't until she had dressed herself into the lingerie that she had bought that she could look at herself and see that she was surprisingly attractive. Her underthings were always beige or black and for practicality. She fingered the cream and charcoal lace that enclosed her breasts and then cupped them. Not having children had allowed her body to stay in fairly good condition, but she was so much older than Vera. Vera, to her knowledge, wasn't even attracted to women. What am I doing? She realized then that this gift of herself was actually more for her than for Vera. If she could acknowledge these feelings and have them reciprocated it would give her power over her own sexuality in a way that was both tender and comfortable.That was something that had seemed distant and outside her grasp for her entire life.
She had to allow Vera to see her, but she hoped that she would not see her like Joan saw herself. With a deep sigh, she pulled a thin dress over her head and smoothed it down her legs. It felt a bit like she was preparing for a battle, but she had to be prepared to take the fall.
It was while Joan drank yet another glass of wine and her head began to spin that she heard a knock at the door. Joan swerved to the door, wine glass in hand, her eyes bloodshot. She opened it and looked down with a smile that only liquid courage can provide.
“You’re drunk!” Vera exclaimed in surprise.
Joan’s hair was falling out of a messy bun and her bare legs rose up to a stop at her short black dress. “Don’t…don’t ruin this.” Joan slurred slightly. “Happy birthday”. Vera glanced over her shoulder to make sure no one had seen and took Joan into the house by her elbow.