Winter. Is. Coming. You have said those words so many times. You have repeated them so many times, whispered them, shouted them, and written them down. I took me a while to grasp the meaning of those word but I finally get what you meant. Sadly, I finally understand them and now they manage to mock me every day that passes by. Winter came, Sans. And it’s harsh.
Leaves are on the ground; fall has come. Blue sky’s turning grey –like my love-. I tried to carry you and make you whole but I was never enough. I must go…
I wish they were only gibberish talk. I wish they would only surround me at a physical level, when I look outside these windows or when I wear another layer of clothing. Unfortunately they seem to have permeated my whole life and settled in my brain, they have become inhabitants of my soul.
I wish to hear your voice, Sans. I long to see your smile. I dream to see a postcard deserving summer sunset that reminds me of your lovely hair as it dances in the wind in synchronic coordination with the ocean waves that carry the colour of your Tully eyes.
Every morning I wander in the backyard as a warden that dutifully custodies your home. I know it’s difficult -and almost laughable- to call it a home, yeah, but these walls took care of you all those months.
I remember when I first saw you. The day you arrived you had been wandering around the nearby fields. You had been fighting against the guards that brought you here. They thought you were drunk or OD'ed. You were rumbling about your father being beheaded and your brother being crippled, you kept talking about a hound and some wolves or direwolves and that some dog or hound had raped you. Hallucinations we wrote. Extremelly paranoid and borderline psychotic.
‘Winter’s coming. Winter’s coming. Winter’s coming.’ You kept repeating those word like a mantra of some sort. At times it seemed like a demon had possessed you. You shouted, kicked and screamed. You vomited every time we tried to give your medication. You didn’t want to eat or drink anything because you believed that had poisoned your food. You just kept shouting, Sans, and we had to strip you to your bed but you resisted ferociously every time we tried to pierce your skin with the IV syringe. You kept saying that you wouldn’t let us stab you like they had done with your mother and brother. You kept stripping the bandages and wouldn’t kept quiet for a single second. We were force to sedate you and medicate you for the following week.
Who is gonna save you when I’m gone? And who’ll watch over you when I’m gone? And when I’m gone, who will break your fall? Who will you blame? I went to visit you every day, even when it wasn’t my shift at the hospital. Room 304 is not 304 anymore. It is Sansa’s room and it will always be. I can’t go on and let you lose it all, it’s more than I can take. Who’ll easy your pain? Who will give you strength when you’re not strong? Who’ll watch over you when I’m gone away?
A few weeks after your arrival you started speaking to me, well, speaking is a big word. Let’s say that you started answering my questions. Monosyllables mainly, but at least you interacted with me. Our psychiatrists, Dr Ramsay Bolton and Joffrey Baratheon insisted that you were not getting better and that we should you isolate you from the rest of the patients. And you kept telling everybody that they were torturing you. That bit didn't help your case, did it? The doctors stated that you were a pathological liar and had extremely violent impulsive reactions. They said you were sociopathic and that you might be going to hurt the other…’inmates’. Suring one of your rampant outbursts. 'Inmates'... Your word, not mine. I’m truly sorry for all the pain we made you feel. I’m sorry for not standing up your ground against the other staff members. I’m sorry for remaining silent. I’m truly sorry, Sans; devastated actually. Imagine what they would think of the recently graduated nurse. Naïveté. The first rule in this place is not to believe a word of what our patients say. The second rule is not to get romantically involved with other staff members. The third one was the previous one extended to the patients. -You say you care for me but hide it well.
Two out of three rules I broke because of you, the other one had been broken a long time ago when I got together with the blinding-blonde doctor, Dr Targaryen. Do you remember her? She was the one that tried to be icy could and bitchy but you could touch her soft spots just by looking at her more than 5 straight seconds. She came to see on Tuesdays, and she is a bit shorter than I am and she’s hot. Not as sexy as you but your get the point. You’re mesmerizing, Sans, just like that flower you gave me on the 17th week.
It was a beautiful blue rose that matched the colour of your eyes. You smiled that day for the first time in 114 days that I have known you. You smiled when you saw the flower in the garden and said that it reminded you of home. You caressed the rose and gave it to me while staring deeply into my own pair of eyes. You smiled again and said “Home. I love home. I miss home” you handed me the blue petals and hugged me. As your custodian, I was not supposed to allowed physical contact. It was forbidden but you looked so harmless and fragile. “You are home” you said, while still embracing me. “I love home. I miss home” you repeated and I would see a couple of tears wanted to be freed. “I love home” you insisted. You closed your eyes to clear away your tears and whispered “You are home.” I looked at you puzzled and offered to wipe your wet cheeks and you smiled again like a little girl that has been caught red handed and embarrassed you looked away.
“I love home. You are home. I love you” you blurted out before snorting and laughing. You tenderly kissed my cheek and grabbed my hand. You started running and screamed ‘Winter’s coming’ one more time. I had been a long time since I had heard those words. You ran to that red tree that is next to small pond. You never came back. We got there a couple of minutes later. You were surrounded by blue rose petals and blood stained leaves. How can you love someone and not yourself?
It’s been 23 days since the day you drown. It’s been 23 days since you smiled like the world was going to end. It’s been 23 days since you said you love me. It’s been 23 days since the winter came and took you away. It’s been 23 painful grey days. Snow is the ground; winter’s come. You long to hear my voice but I’m long gone…
It’s been 23 long freezing days and counting, because winter came to stay.