Pornstar kinda Girl
You have always looked out for your sister. Even being two years younger than her, you still feel like it's your obligation to be the noble 'Big brother' in her life. Considering your mother and Carmilla never really got along, you know that you're all she has. You were adopted by the Karnsteins at age 6, before that you had been bounced between family to family. You can only remember being shy and very nervous on your first day at the Karnsteins, thinking it was going to play out like every other home before that. Carmilla was 8 and you were so glad to finally have a child in the home around your own age for once, also the fact that she had been adopted as well made you feel not so different in comparison. Carmilla was different back then, come to think of it.. If you were to pin point the day she changed and became so distant it would have to be her 13th birthday.
You always knew Carmilla loved music. Once she picked up her first guitar at 9, You would sit and listen to her play all the time. You loved seeing your sister look so happy, so free, So.. Connected. That was until your mother told Carmilla to stop being unrealistic and find a real career path. Like Modeling you supposed. Lilita never let Carmilla play, but that never stopped her. You would follow her down to the basement into the crawl space and just watch her create magic. You loved watching your sister play, she had such a talent.. It drew you in. Once Carmilla turned 13 and told Lilita that she would no longer model for her, that’s when things changed.
Carmilla would be gone all night or days on end, It was rare if you even got to see her let alone listen to her play, which you had taken such a liking too. You can still remember the first time you saw it, The bruises all across her collar bones and the gash in her fore head. You thought maybe she got into a fight or possibly got jumped, but when you asked her about it she always had the same excuse. “I’m a hardcore badass William what do you think I do at night? Watch the stars? Ha”. You always knew she was hiding the real truth from you, but you could never find it in your heart to call her on it. You knew she would tell you if it was serious. Well, You could only hope. It wasn’t until she was 14 that you started to notice the scars on her wrists. She hid those very well but there were times that you could spot them. To this day, you still haven't questioned her on them. You only hoped she would one day talk to you, Let you help her.
--
You make your way over to where Carmilla is sitting at the bar and- Was that a girl next to her ? You shake your head and laugh. She’s so predictable that its gross.
“Here kitty, one beer” You announce as you set the bottle down in front of your sister and begin to wipe down the counter top. “So that deal about drinks on the house all night- Yeah it goes for both of us” She demands as she gestures her gaze to Laura. “No. That’s not necessary I can pay-” Laura is cut off before she can finish. “Listen cutie, he owes me big for filling in for his little gig here. Take it while it lasts” Carmilla interrupts while giving you a smile and lifts her beer to her lips.
“You’re lucky you’re my favorite sister”. Your gaze is on Laura now. “What’ll it be love?”
“Uhm, I’m your only sister weirdo, may I remind you I'm older too, so shove it” Carmilla responds as she sets the bottle back on its coaster. You stick out your tongue and Carmilla mirrors your expression. You both were such children some times.
“I guess I’ll just have a screwdriver” Laura speaks up with a smile, eyeing yours and Carmilla's expressions. Carmilla turns to look at her. “Huh, I pegged you for more of a Pornstar kinda girl”. You notice one of Carmilla's eyebrows raise. “Ha, no.. too much sugar for me” Laura looks down like she's trying to hide a smile.
“Cupcake you look like you’re made of sugar” Carmilla glances up and down “but whatever ships your sail I guess” She add's a quick wink before spinning back around to face you.
The useless flirting and nicknames continue to go on for a while until you decide to actually spark up an interesting topic. Not that this conversation wasn’t interesting .. But it was starting to make your head hurt from all the questions bouncing around as to if Carmilla was actually flirting with you or if she was just always this way.
“So correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems to me you put the songs you sang tonight in a certain.. Order.” Carmilla looks up from her beer with what you think is interest on her face. “Oh yeah, and what makes you think that cutie?”
“Well, the first song you sang had more of a dark feel to it. More about insecurity then anything.” You pause. “ The second one was more about being hurt and not being enough for someone…” You glance down at the glass in your hand. “And the last one seemed to be a more lighter message.” You can feel the pit in your stomach instantly forming as you might be wrong to assume this.
“Wow. I’m impressed Sundance. Nobody has ever been able to deceiver my order before.” Carmilla looks serious in a way you can't put words too. “It’s like showing my layers, through music. There’s a lot more to me then meets the eye” She adds, turning her gaze back down to her hands that are cupping her beer.
For some odd reason, You see this as a challenge. This girl seems to be such a story and being an inspiring journalist and all, It kind of makes you want to know more. “I’d love to see more of those layers” You don't think you actually said that out loud until you notice Carmilla’s head shoot up to look at you. There was something about that stare, She looked half confused and half surprised. Your breath gets caught in your throat.
“Trust me when I say this cupcake. You really don’t” She finally lets out with more desperation in her voice then you assume she wanted. You couldn’t understand this girl. One minute she was all flirtatious and the next completely shut off and distant. What made her this way? You suddenly gain an ounce of confidence you didn’t think you even had.
“If you really think that being all broody and distant is gonna change my answer, then you’re sadly mistaken.” You let out a breath you had no idea you were holding. “We'll see about that cutie” A smirk goes across her face as she turns her head slightly to the side like she's trying to prove something. And there was the useless flirting again. How does she do that? The silence was quickly interrupted with a very familiar voice.
“Hey Hollis, are you ever gonna come back and join us..? Were all about to leave in a few..” You watch as Danny glares at Carmilla while Carmilla makes no acknowledgment that the red head is even there. “Oh yeah! Uh..” You turn to look at Carmilla, then back at Danny. “ Ill be over in minute.” You promise.
As Danny shrugs and walks away, You turn your attention back to the Raven haired girl who looks a little lost in thought. “I don’t mean to cut this short.. But I really did enjoy your performance tonight.”
Carmilla glances up from her beer to look at you. “Don’t worry about it creampuff, Thanks for the interest.” She half smiles at you. There’s that ounce of courage you didn’t know you were capable of again. “Here, I mean.. If you ever wanna talk or go for a coffee or something” You say while you begin to write your name and number on the napkin next to you. You pass it to Carmilla.
“I was serious about breaking down those layers” You add as you hold it out to the girl. You can't help the giggle that comes out. “I think I’d like that very much..” Carmilla responds, staring at the napkin that is now in her hands. You and Carmilla lock eyes again like you did near the stage. After a good 30 seconds you manage to shake yourself out of- whatever that was.. “Okay cool, Awesome, Bye!” you respond rapidly while getting up and running back to your group of friends.
Did you just give a stranger your number? And was that stranger really Carmilla Karnstein? Yup. You just gave Carmilla Your number and hopelessly flirted with her for over an hour and You honestly have no regrets. Do you?
You stay at the bar till 5 minutes before closing. Now onto your 6th beer of the night after Laura and the ginger squad left (as you decided to call them)
No but seriously, How many red heads did Laura know?
You were definitely feeling the buzz taking over your thoughts now. Did Laura give you her number because she was interested or just because she felt bad for you? You still weren't quite sure but either way it had made your heart and stomach turn. Your thoughts are interrupted rather quickly. Thank god.
“Kitty, You know you can’t drive home like this right?” Will Says while looking at you with complete concern as he grabs the empty beer bottle that's in front of you. “Uh yeah dummy, I’m just gonna walk. Need to clear my head anyways.” You assure him. “Please don’t do anything stupid like end up in a ditch somewhere. Or call me up to bail you out” He smiles and lets out a laugh while tossing the empty into the bin behind him on the floor. You scoff
“Oh trust me you’re the last person i'd call” You both knew that was a lie. Will and You make eye contact and let out a small laugh together. “Don’t worry I’m a big girl Ill make it home alright” .
“Okay but text me when you get in so I know you’re safe” He pauses. “ Oh and make sure to text that super cute brunette you were flirting with all night.” He winks at you like he knows something you don't. “I wasn’t flirting with her.. Was just being the same old me” You shoot back quickly. “Oh please I saw how red your face got when she slipped you her number” He raises an eyebrow to you and smiles while picking up the coaster and wipes the area around you.
“I think you need to get your eyes checked. Better yet, Get them removed” You get up and make your way to the door as Will continues to laugh to himself. You weren't flirting with the girl, you were just being your normal cocky self. Right?
As you walk out into the night the fresh air hits your face and It reminds you of all the road trips you and Ell had gone on. Why did it have to still hurt this much? Why couldn’t you just stop hating yourself for it.
Because you're worthless. That’s why. Just like Lilita had always told you. You were just glad she wasn’t around to see you like this. Ohh the beatings that came along the first night you walked in the door drunk. You couldn't leave your bed for a week after that.
In some way you wish that you were never adopted by Lilita, but quickly repress that thought because then you would have never met Will and that alone was enough reason for you to look past all the abuse. Will. You can't even imagine your life without him.
When You reach your apartment all you can think of is how warm your bed would feel right now. But you can also tell something else was itching into your mind. As you envision the sharp pain across your wrist, you make your way up the stairs of your apartment and go straight to where your mind has directed you. One day you'll break this habit.
(But today was not that day)