Chapter 2
Will likes Stiles and is equally frustrated with him. While Dean gives a lot away by omitting things or refusing to talk about a particular matter, Stiles speaks a lot, but he does not give much away that he doesn’t want to give. Will is sure that Stiles’ partner Derek is a werewolf, as Stiles was recommended by Dr Lydia Martin, another interspecies specialist, concentrating more on non-human couples. She herself is a banshee, but her boyfriend is not human, that is all he knows. What he knows is that she is close with a local group of werewolves and Stiles is a human member from the same pack.
With Stiles, Will has come to be able to discern as to how much of it is filler, and how much of it is meat. To his dismay, the ratio sticks around at 90%/10% or 100% blathering of nothing specific. Stiles was recommended for sessions when it came to light that he was getting himself in risky situations deliberately. His masochistic tendencies had always been know, but this time, he was stepping over lines and limits that even the weres would think twice about passing. Derek had begged on his knees with tears in his eyes for him to at least give the counselling a try, backed by his father the Sheriff.
It took Will a record number of sessions to get this much information out of him. He was imbibed with news of everyone in the pack, even though Stiles never straight out said anything about pack or werewolves. Sometimes Will would feel like he is in the middle of some novel, getting a dose of gossip from the neighbourhood belle. Direct questioning would result in retractions, misdirections and plain ole refusal to comply. And Stiles was too smart and intelligent to try any inverse line of enquiry, not that those helped. Will may have been the counsellor, but Stiles did his utmost to run the session as he see fit.
Will had been already planning to try some unorthodox methods to temper the young lad, but that day, after what had happened with Dean, Will felt restless to let all the caution out of the window and let it roll.
“Stiles,” Will says, as Stiles turns to him and hums a question, “What do you think will happen if in a bid to save you from some foolhardy scheme you concoct up, one or some of your friends end up losing their life?”
Stiles stares at him, mouth open, shocked at what Will said. He quickly snaps it shut and an ugly look of anger and disdain pass over his face before he says, “I will never let that happen.”
“You cannot possibly know that. You have a loyal group of friends devoted to you as you are to them. Should anything happen to you, they will make sure that they have done anything and everything in their grasp and ability to save you. Even if it leads to the death or harm for them. And you will be dead anyway. What would you be able to do to stop them to do something bad to even perhaps bring you back?” Will asks in a composed tone.
Stiles actually snarls at that and says, “I will NEVER let anything like that happen, I will make sure of it.”
“But you will be dead. Gone. Or hurt so grievously that you might as well as be dead. You will be able to do nothing at all. Nothing on this earth, heaven or hell, Stiles. Are you aware of that simple factoid?” Will asks him, looking into his eyes without blinking.
Stiles is taking big deep breaths, as if trying to control his anger. His nose flares at every exhale. And Will feels remorseful again. Today is not going well for him. He will call off his other appointments for today. This is no way for a counsellor to behave, unable to deal with his clients serenely as he is meant to but getting involved too much beyond what is ethical. Will tunes back into the session and sees Stiles biting his lips so hard that it is bleeding and his eyes are swimming in tears. O great, Will thinks. I actually managed to make the boy cry. Great going Will, great going. Better to nail the coffin some more.
Will sights, leans towards Stiles who is standing behind the sofa and asks in a soft voice without inflection, “How long have you been suicidal Stiles?”
Tears start streaming from his eyes as his face scrunches up, snot dripping from his nose like a little kid and eyes so sad and full and scared that Will wants to get up and hug the man. He however refrains. Stiles gets himself under control and then flops onto the sofa and looks at Will with a sadness that Will was hardly able to recognise before under his mask.
“It was.... after my mother. I. She died when I was 8. And it was a long and bewildering death you know, at the last moment, it was the body of my mother, but the disease has deteriorated her brain so much that it was not really my mother anymore, but I cried when she dies, I cried for days, remembering kissing her brow and how it felt under my lips, damp and papery like a doll and not a living being, and, I don’t know, It made me sad in a way I couldn’t articulate, or talk about and made me want to die. I... I remember this one time when I took out my dad’s gun and placed it in my mouth and I sat like that for half an hour I think. I almost pulled the trigger too, but every time I tried, I would see in my mind how my dad would look if he found me like that, and finally I couldn’t. That was the first and last time I ever tried to do anything like that,” Stiles sniffs, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand.
“And your father never found out? He never had a clue? Neither Scott or Derek?” Will asks.
“Dad. Dad may have noticed something but he was too busy to actually do something about it. Or maybe he thought ignoring it would make the whole thing go away. He did make me go to counselling when I started having the panic attacks, which started with me getting sudden images of me dying in every possible way and I would think to stop myself, except that it would feel so inevitable, I, I was helped by therapy by a lot, but even then I don’t think Dad actually knew the extent of my... wishes I guess. Scott though, he knew a bit, but again did not know how to help except by being there, even when my dad couldn’t be because of his job. And he helped. Not in the way that was very informed, or anything, but he stuck with me through all my rough patches and I think I am alive now because of him,” Stiles adds, picking at his nails as he explains.
“You did not say if Derek knows or not. Or do you not know that?” Will asks again.
Stiles gives a long sigh and says, “He knows, I am sure he knows, which is why he has been so adamant and desperate for me to have these sessions.” Stiles bites his lips and says, “I think he knows so well because he used to be too, you know. Like he can see me be in the same place he was in, and that freaks him out. And it’s not like I am actually going to do something. I just am, I am not going to do it, and they should know that. I don’t get what the big deal is. I mean yeah, I have been reckless recently, but given the life we lead, it is not that strange you know. I mean, they have like their powers, but I don’t have any, so there is an imbalance, but given how long we have been fighting together or so, it’s too late for me to just sit in the sidelines while they do all the work. I am in the team and damn if I am going to remain as the puny and weak human to stay behind.”
Stiles is practically fuming by this point. His anger at his situation is visible and acceptable, not the way he is coping with them. Will says, “You may not be doing anything, like taking a knife and trying to use yourself as a dartboard, but you are needlessly putting yourself in danger. Dangers that you don’t have to face. Avoiding which does not immediately means that you are weaker or defenceless. You are more intelligent. Or is this your way to perhaps gain similar physical attributes that your partner and friends have? Have they refused to let you join them should you transform?”
“I do not want the bite,” Stiles says very firmly, and the looks at Will in worry as to what he might make out of such an odd line. Will gives him an encouraging nod to continue. Stiles looks at him and then continues, “I don’t want the powers they have. I mean the offer is not explicitly stated but most of them think that is it inevitable and that, its' just a matter of time before I ask. But, you know how they say, with great power must come great responsibility, (Will’s brows creases at that, unable to remember any such quote he might have come across) anyway, it’s like if I were to become like them, there is a good possibility that I would have a lot less control. I mean you have heard me talk, how I can’t stop some days, and I think, I feel like that will make me loose even more control myself.”
Stiles looks like he is reliving some memory as he says, “I remember this time once, when I went to somewhere with my dad, I don’t remember what it was, maybe it was the last time we went to church, or maybe some funeral, I really don’t remember. My dad had to leave me in the crowd of the people sitting, and I didn’t really know anyone, and oh this was after my mom had died. So, this old lady tries to be kind and asks me something, like how I am doing or whatever, and then I start talking, and talking and I couldn’t stop and I wanted to shut my eyes away to stop looking except I couldn’t do that either, and, and I could see all of these people, people I did not know or recognise, their face turning into this identical look of horror and people discreetly but not that discreetly pulling their chairs away from me and I am just a kid and I couldn’t stop talking, and someone had to actually call my dad to calm me down and tears were running down my face and that still is one of the worst memory of my life.”
“I had no control, none, and that is me at being a human and yes I know it is a chemical issue that can be controlled with meds, but say I transform and then it turns out that it is not so much a simple ADHD thing as much as a Stiles thing and then how fucked up everyone will be? Or, or what if I end up getting what my mom had, and then I am a rampaging monster remembering nothing, no awareness of the world, what then? Derek’s uncle, who was like that from birth and he went mad, he went completely mad, so there is no guarantee that I won’t get it if I turn. So, I won’t turn, but I do want to remain of use. I have to learn, make my body be at par with my friends and become a contender in my own right, able to take on things the same as my friends, and through it all, I will fight the urge to kill myself, I will,” says Stiles.
Will always knew that Stiles was a smart and intelligent and a fearless kid. He always knew, but hearing all of what he said just now made him glad with his estimation. Yes, he will go far indeed if he can stick by. Maybe for the next session, Will should make Stiles bring Derek with him. Maybe it is time for those sessions now.
They talk for some more and then Stiles leaves. Will calls his other appointments, two in total and tells them that he has to cancel their sessions, and promises to get them back into schedule soon. After he is done, he cleans his room, closes all the windows and locks the door and steps out. It has been a long day and it is time he returned to Hannibal.