All I Need

The following Thursday, Ali and Ashlyn arrive at Dr. Evans office together. They walk in, greet Morgan, the receptionist, and take a seat on the couch together. They idly chat about small things going on when Dr. Evans walks opens the door to her office, looking surprised to see them sitting and talking so cordially.   

"Ali. Ashlyn. Nice to see you both." She says holding the door open, gesturing for them come in.  

"Good afternoon, Dr. Evans" Ali greets the doctor, moving past her to go and sit on the sofa.  

Ashlyn follows Ali, nodding and smiling at Dr. Evans as she passes.  

Dr. Evans goes to sit in the chair across from them, crossing her legs, and leaning forward slightly, "So, who's going to tell me?" 

Ali and Ashlyn both look at each other, silently asking the other who's going to talk. Ashlyn lightly pats Ali's leg, telling her that she would talk. 

"Well, as you know, last week was really hard for us. That week is always hard, but having to come here, hell, just getting out of the house on the day she passed, was unbearable. I was struggling last week, but having Ali there helped. After we were done here I asked her to go somewhere with me. I knew if I told her where we were going she wouldn’t have gone." Ashlyn says looking over at Ali.  

"She's right, I wouldn't have", Ali interjects.  

"Anyway, I don’t tell her, and we go to visit Harper. I needed my family to be all together. I feel like I hadn't felt whole in such a long time, but being with Ali and Harper, while it was absolutely gut wrenching, I felt whole." Ashlyn concludes, taking Ali's hand and holding it in her lap.  

"After she tricked me into going to see Harper, I didn’t want to get out of the car, but I did. Ashlyn knelt down and started talking to Harper like she was there, telling her about what had happened that week, and then she said 'And mommy's here too today', and I broke down. I realized just how much I was avoiding things, avoiding her. It was just easier to not deal with anything related to Harper than face the feelings attached to her." Ali said, wiping a single tear that ran down her cheek. Ashlyn squeezed her hand, gently urging her to continue.  

Dr. Evans nods, "That’s really great that you realized that Ali. Loss of any kind is anguish, but the death of a child, that's next level. Parent's aren't supposed to bury their babies." 

Ali leans forward to the coffee table and grabs some tissue, dabs her eyes, and continues, "When we left the cemetery, we went to get coffee and we talked. Long story short, we went back to the apartment that night, both of us. And we have been living together again for the past week." 

Dr. Evans eyes get as wide as saucers, "Really? I had expected it to be just that you were talking more, testing the waters a bit more, but living together again? That’s great!"  

"It is great. For the most part.." Ashlyn smiles shyly over at her wife.  

"It's really good that we have a two bedroom apartment. I'm not ready to just jump back into being married. There is a lot of things we still need to discuss and relearn about each other." 

"Ashlyn, do you agree with that?" Dr. Evans asks. 

"I agree, but I would really like to sleep with my wife." 

"Ashlyn!!" Ali scolds, covering her face.  

"Not like that! I mean, yes like that." She says rubbing Ali's thigh, "But I meant actually sleep. In the same bed." 

"The first night, we fell asleep in the same bed, we had talked about Harper and then we both just drifted to sleep.." Ashlyn says nonchalantly.  

"And then..." Ali says urging her on. 

Ashlyn rolls her eyes, continuing, "And then, in the morning I woke up first and maybe I was copping a feel. Can't blame me, can you doc?" She says shrugging.  

"I'm not going to comment on that. You're both beautiful, but let's keep this professional." Dr. Evans says chuckeling.  

There's a moment of silence, Ashlyn thinking Ali will continue on to how that morning went, but she doesn't. Ali thinking they will leave it with Ashlyn at fault.  

Ashlyn looks at Ali expectantly, "And then...." 

Ali rolls her eyes, "And then I freaked out." 

One week prior 

Ali wakes up to Ashlyn's front pressed firmly against her back. A strong arm wrapped around her waist, and a firm grasp on her right breast.  

"Hey.." She let's out groggily. 

"Hi.." Ashlyn says brushing some of the brunettes hair behind her ear.  

Once Ali comes to, she realizes the compromising position they are in. She jumps out of bed, and rushes into the bathroom.  

Ashlyn, a bit taken aback, gets up and goes to the bathroom door, "Ali, you ok?" She asks through the door. She can hear the faucet running and isn't sure if it is the sink or the shower.  

"Yeah, I just really had to go to the bathroom," Ali yells back through the door.  

Ashlyn takes her at her word and gets up and goes into the kitchen to make coffee and breakfast. She plans to make pancakes, so she gets out all her ingredients and gets to making them. Once the last pancake is flipped out onto the plate, she notices Ali is still not out yet, so she goes back into the bedroom to see what was going on.  

Looking around she sees that Ali hasn’t even come out of the bathroom yet. She goes back over to the door and knocks gently, "Al, you ok?"  

No response.  

"Al? Please just answer me or I am coming in." Ashlyn says, concerned now.  

No response.  

Opening the door, Ashlyn sees the brunette sitting on the toilet, lid down, with her head between her legs. Rushing over to her, she kneels down beside her and pushes the mop of brown hair to the side, "Ali, honey, are you ok?"  

"Panic. Attack." Ali gasps between breaths.  

"What do you need?" The blonde asks.  

"Just. Space."  

Ashlyn gets up off the floor and goes back into the kitchen, pancakes forgotten, she sits at the kitchen table wondering when Ali began having panic attacks.  

A little while later, Ali comes out of the bathroom, makes her way into the kitchen and grabs a glass of water. She downs the first glass and fills it up again. Taking a few slower sips, she turns and goes to sit at the table with Ashlyn.  

Ali can see the concern on Ashlyn's face, "They started after Harper.." 

"Why didn’t you tell me?" 

"I knew how to control them, I used to get them in college sometimes, after my injury. I think it's about a lack of control. I couldn’t control my body back then. I couldn’t control what happened to Harper. Then, this morning I woke up, after not being in a bed with someone for so long, and you were touching me, and I wasn’t in control. I'm sorry." She says ashamed that she freaked out when her wife touched her.  

"No, we haven't slept in the same bed in a long time, I'm sorry. I just assumed.." The blonde started, running a hand through her hair. She didn’t even realize how the simple act could have affected her wife. 

Ali looks up, shaking her head, "No, you shouldn’t be sorry. Maybe this was a mistake. I should just go back and stay with my mom. This was too much, yesterday was just overwhelming." She says, starting to get up from the table.  

The blonde stands up too, going to stand in front of Ali hesitantly taking her hands, "No, please, stay. I can sleep in the guest bedroom. Or you can, if you want a change of scenery, but please, please stay." 

Ali looks down at their hands clasped together, "Ok." 

"Well, I think you both are actually doing really well. It may have taken you a while to get here, but you are both healing. In your own ways. Now, I'm going to give you homework." Dr. Evans says standing up.  

"Ugh, I did not sign up for homework with this." The blonde says sarcastically as she and Ali stand up too.  

Opening her office door, Dr. Evans pats Ashlyn on the shoulder, shooing her out, "Go home. Talk to each other. Learn to love each other again."