I miss...
After visiting Harper, Ashlyn had driven to a small coffee shop on the coast. The shop had an outdoor patio over the water. Ashlyn had remembered that the mix of freshly brewed coffee and salt water had been one of Ali's favorite parts of living so close to the ocean.
They both get settled with their coffee, in a little corner table on the back patio. The evening sun setting behind them, casting a deep purple haze on the sky and water. Ali sits facing the water, her legs propped up on the railing and holding her cup of coffee with both hands under her nose.
Ashlyn looks at her wife and can't help but still feel all the love she always has for the brunette. She's her best friend, her soul mate. They have been apart and Ashlyn realizes she has been lost without her other half.
Looking back, Ashlyn realizes that it isn't the big things she misses, it's the tiny things. She misses the way Ali messes with her hair when she's nervous. She misses the way Ali smells slightly like orange blossom. She misses the way every morning when Ali wakes up she sneezes when she sees the sun. She misses the way Ali holds her coffee mug to her mouth without taking a sip, just taking in the soft caramel scent.
"I miss you." The blonde says looking at Ali, as the brunette looks out at the ocean.
Ali continues to look out on the water, a single tear rolls down her cheek, "Ash... don't do this.."
Ashlyn puts her coffee down on the table and leans over to grab Ali's hand. "Are we really going to let 15 years together go? Because I think we are worth fighting for. Something horrible happened to us, and we both grieved in our own ways for two years. But now," her voice betraying her a little, "now we have talked about it. We have come together and gotten help. We still may not completely get each other and what the other is going through yet, but I miss you. I still love you," tears freely flowing at this point, "and I just want to come back home." She finishes with so much defeat in her voice.
Ali pivots to face her slightly, "Ash..."
"Al, listen. I know we both hurt each other the past two years. I do. But you're home. You've always been my home. I've done a lot of growing, personally, these last two years, but I will always need you. Don't make me go back to the apartment. Or even worse go back to that house alone. I just don’t think I can take it anymore." Ashlyn says pleading with her wife.
"Ash, I can't go back to that house. There are too many memories there. Too many lost promises." Ali says looking down at her coffee.
Ashlyn doesn’t hear a 'no' in there, so she takes this opportunity to get Ali to come back to Orlando with her. "Then come back to the apartment with me. I just need to be near you. We need to heal, together this time."
Ali simply nods, tears streaking down her cheeks.
Ashlyn smiles, the first real smile she's given in two years.
They finish up their coffee in relative silence. As they make their way back to the car, Ali lags behind a little bit, "Give me a minute? I need to call my mom to tell her I won't be coming back tonight."
Ashlyn nods, and makes her way to cool the car off.
Ali pulls out her phone and dials her mom's number, "Hey honey, you on your way home?" Deb greets her daughter.
"Uh..Funny you phrase it like that. I am actually." Ali says nervously. She had been so broken for what seemed like forever, she's scared to feel hopeful about her relationship with Ashlyn. "I'm not coming to Miami tonight...I'm actually, uh, going to stay with Ashlyn at the apartment in the city." She says so quick it all runs together.
"Oh. Well, that’s..good? Right? Are you comfortable with that?" Her mom asks, always looking out for her best interest.
"I think so. I think it'll be good for us both. Especially today. We need each other, we are the only ones who know how the other feels."
"Ok..well..If you're sure. I love you. I'll talk to you tomorrow?" Deb says, still skeptical.
"I am. I love you too mom. Yeah, talk to you tomorrow." Ali said as she hung up the phone. She made her way over to the car and got in the passenger seat.
Ashlyn looked at her expectantly, raising her eyebrows as if to say 'sooo?'. Ali placed her hand over Ashlyns, "Let's go home."
When they got to the apartment it was already pretty late, so they decided to go to bed. Ali went into the bedroom and started to grab a t-shirt from the dresser, but noticed Ashlyn in the doorway. "You coming to bed?"
Ashlyn just stood there, looking down at her feet. It never ceased to amaze Ali how her ever so confident wife could be the biggest pile of mush around her sometimes. "I, um, can I? I mean, I know I said that I wanted to come home and that home was you and that all this is moving kind of fast again but I just.."
"Stop, gosh, take a breath." Ali interrupted Ashlyn's rambling. Ali went over to her wife and grabbed her hand and led her to the bed. They were standing face to face and Ali slowly let her hands slide down Ashlyns strong arms. She had missed the way her wife's arm hair would stand anytime she touched her. She slowly unbuttoned Ashlyns jeans and slid them down her body.
"Alex, I don’t really think this is the time..." The blonde began fumbling out.
"Shh. Just lay with me. Hold me." Ali stated laying down on her side of the bed.
Ashlyn assumed her position behind the brunette, wrapping her arm around Ali's waist, making Ali giggle slightly as she brushed her ribs, always the ticklish one.
"I miss the way she would laugh until she got the hiccups, especially if you tickled her sides" Ali muses.
"I miss the way she would start to get upset, and stick her little lip out so far it would get stuck. Then if you made the same face back at her she would crack up into a fit of giggles." Ashlyn says into her wife's hair.
"I miss the way she smelled."
"I miss the way the way her little dimples came out anytime either one of us entered the room."
"I miss the way she would try to turn over, but get stuck with her arms under herself, and not be able to figure out what was going on."
"I miss the way she was like an owl, anytime something caught her attention she would try to turn her head so quickly it was like her head was going to turn all the way round."
"I miss the way she made me feel."
"I miss the way you were with her."
"I miss her."