Desperation
Santana tried everything. She tried therapy, hoping a professional might be able to untangle the mess in her mind, but the sessions felt like a band-aid on a wound that needed stitches. She tried yoga, trying to quiet her mind and find some sense of peace in the soft flow of breath and movement. But it only made her feel more disconnected from herself. And when that didn’t work, she resorted to drowning herself in alcohol, hoping that the numbness of it would somehow stop the darkness inside her from clawing its way to the surface.
But none of it helped. Not really. The urges were always there, lurking just beneath the surface, creeping into every moment of calm, turning her thoughts into violent fantasies. She couldn’t escape it. No matter how hard she tried, no matter how much she pushed herself to the limit, it never stopped.
The voice inside her head was relentless, insistent. It kept telling her to hurt, to lash out, to let go of all the control she had left. And every time she tried to push it away, it only came back stronger.
She didn’t know what to do anymore. How to keep going like this.
Brittany could see it; she could see how much Santana was struggling, and it broke her heart. It wasn’t just the physical distance between them, though that was certainly a part of it. It was the emotional distance. Santana was pulling away, shutting herself off in a way Brittany had never seen before. And no matter how hard she tried to get through to her, to be there for her, Santana only seemed to push her further away.
It wasn’t that Brittany didn’t understand. She did. She knew that Santana was scared. Terrified, even. But Brittany couldn’t help but feel the strain of it all. Every time she tried to show affection, Santana recoiled, her fear too great to let herself get close. It was as though she was afraid that if she allowed herself to care too much, she might lose control and hurt Brittany.
And yet, despite the distance, Brittany kept trying. She refused to give up on Santana. She refused to let her fight this battle alone. But with every failed attempt to bridge the gap, her optimism started to feel like a burden she couldn’t bear.
One night, after another failed attempt to connect, Brittany found herself sitting next to Santana on the couch, her hand hovering near Santana’s, just waiting for her to take it. Santana sat with her arms crossed, her eyes distant, her posture tense as she stared at the wall in front of her. The room was thick with unspoken words, each one heavier than the last.
“Why won’t you just let me help?” Brittany asked quietly, her voice barely above a whisper, as though she were afraid to shatter the fragile silence between them.
Santana’s shoulders tensed, but she didn’t respond. Instead, her breathing became shallow, and Brittany could see the battle raging inside her. She could see how much she was holding back, the fight not just with the demons inside her, but with the part of her that wanted to reach out. But the walls were so high now, and Santana wasn’t sure she could lower them. Not when she was afraid of what would happen if she did.
Brittany waited. She always did, even when the silence seemed endless. But tonight, the wait felt like it might break her.
Then, without warning, Santana spoke.
“I can’t,” Santana muttered, her voice cracking as she finally turned to face Brittany. “I can’t let you help me, Brit. You don’t get it. I’m... I’m scared.”
Brittany’s heart clenched in her chest. She wasn’t sure what she was hearing. Santana had been distant, yes. But this... this was different.
“Scared of what?” Brittany asked softly, her hand slowly reaching out, her fingers brushing Santana’s wrist. “I’ll help you, Santana. Whatever it is, we’ll face it together.”
But Santana shook her head, her eyes wide with fear. “No, you don’t understand. I’m scared of me,” she whispered, her voice barely audible.
Brittany’s breath caught in her throat. She had suspected that something deeper was going on, but hearing Santana admit it... it was like a punch to the gut.
“I’m afraid of what I’ll do to you, Brit,” Santana continued, her voice strained, her eyes filled with a raw panic. “I don’t know why, but... it’s like something’s controlling me. It’s not me anymore.”
The words hit Brittany like a wave. She had always known that Santana was battling something she couldn’t control, but hearing it spoken out loud made the weight of it all come crashing down. She had been trying so hard to fix things, to pull Santana out of the darkness, but now she realized just how deep the hole was.
Brittany swallowed hard, trying to keep her voice steady, but the fear gnawed at her insides. She didn’t know what was happening, didn’t know how to fix it, but she couldn’t let Santana feel this way; couldn’t let her feel like she was alone.
“You’re not alone, Santana,” Brittany said softly, her voice a gentle whisper. “I’m not going anywhere. We’re going to figure this out, okay? We’ll find a way.”
But even as she said the words, even as she pulled Santana into a tight hug, something in the pit of her stomach told her that they were running out of time. That whatever was inside Santana, whatever was controlling her, was only getting stronger, and the longer they waited, the harder it would be to stop.
Santana clung to her, her body trembling, but there was a cold emptiness in her eyes. A resignation, like she had already accepted that there was no coming back from this. That whatever was controlling her was too powerful to fight.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” Santana whispered against Brittany’s shoulder, her voice breaking. “But I’m afraid I will.”
Brittany squeezed her tighter, refusing to let go, but the sinking feeling in her chest only grew. She had always believed in hope. She had always believed that things could get better, that no matter how dark the road seemed, there was always a way out. But right now, all she could feel was the weight of the unknown pressing down on them both.
She didn’t know what would happen next. She didn’t know if they could fix this. But one thing was certain: Santana needed her. And no matter what, Brittany wasn’t going to let her go.