Authors Notes: I'm really not sure what prompted my desire to write a story inspired from the song "Don't Speak" by No Doubt. But the idea has been tugging at the back of my head for a few weeks now, and I finally got the nerve to get it out of my head and onto paper. Please be kind. This is my first XWP-based story. This story is meant to be a one-shot, and entirely written from Gabrielle's point of view. Please feel free to provide a critique. This will only help me to improve as an author.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters that will appear, or mentioned, in this story. Xena, Gabrielle and company are the sole property of Renaissance Pictures and NBC Universal. I also do not own the song "Don't Speak", which is owned by the group No Doubt. (Love Gwen Stafani!) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Beads of cold sweat cling to my brow despite the cool breeze of the autumn night. I can feel stinging tears in my eyes and a hard lump in my throat as I once again awake with a jerk. I gaze into the night sky and stare at the full moon. By the gods! Why am I having this... this repetitive dream? Dream? No, this is not a dream, this is a nightmare! But is it just a disturbing nightmare? I once told the raven-haired beauty lying next to me that I have the gift of prophecy; but really, should I call it a gift? Gods... I pray that this is not a prophetic vision and just simply some dark nightmare that I'm being forced to endure.
I turn my head and stare down at the peaceful face lying next to me. Funny. It wasn't too long ago that it would be me that would be sleeping peacefully, and she that would be awake due to heart-rending memories. I reach up to wipe the now free-flowing hot tears from my eyes; and after taking several deep breaths, I force myself to lie back down. I don't want to wake Xena. It is rare that she is able to sleep this peacefully. Besides, what can she do to help me -- to end this endless torment; that if I didn't know better, is being inflicted on me by Morpheus himself? Or perhaps the Fates? Ares? I always knew that he didn't like me, but even for him, this is beyond cruel.
For a full fortnight, I keep seeing Xena in a dungeon in the bowels of Chin. She is bound in stocks with her ankles shackled in thick metal cuffs. She is submerged in dark, putrid water surrounded by fat rats. There are also a handful of men who look to be practically soulless flesh -- void of any light in their dark eyes; men that at one time had the honor of being called human. The other inhabitants have already gone on to their afterlife, leaving behind rotting skeletons. It is a horrific sight. But the true horror of Xena's ordeal is that I am the one to place her here.
You and me
We used to be together
Everyday together always
I really feel ... That I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe ... This could be the end
It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real... Well I don't want to know
As I approach to beg her forgiveness for my betrayal, the scene of the nightmare changes -- but not before I see an expression in those lovely azure orbs that I had NEVER seen before -- at least not directed towards me. There is a coldness -- a blankness that not even someone dead would have. I watch as her head turns away from me -- leaving me to beg her to hear me out. I can't hear my voice. My hand rises towards her face, but the scene changes again and continues to do so in rapid succession.
FLASH -- Suddenly the two of us are in the land of the Centaurs. I encounter a little girl who looks more like an orphan of war rather than your typical village child. There is something about her -- something that is drawing me to her. FLASH -- I see Xena, and she was with Solan, and they both are smiling. FLASH -- I see myself talking to the little girl, my mind telling me that I have to help her -- I have to protect her. FLASH -- The little girl drops something. The item, an ornate wooden lamb ... NO, it couldn't be! FLASH -- The little girl is hugging me and she seems to be afraid. She is telling me something about Solan. But...how does she know his name? FLASH -- I enter a hut to find Xena holding Solan, and Solan is dead!
The first time I had this nightmare I awoke screaming. I couldn't bring myself to tell Xena the horrors of what I had seen. By the gods! This can't happen. Yes, I am still grieving over Hope. What kind of mother would send their own child away? But I had to do it for Hope's safety. Xena just doesn't understand. Yes, Hope is the daughter of Dahak; but Hope is also MY child -- I gave birth to her! Granted, the pregnancy took place a lot faster than normal, but my mind ... my body... and my heart are all behaving as if I had carried her full term.
It's all ending ... I gotta stop pretending who we are
But still -- I can't ignore the one thng that I have come to realize so much more since leaving Chin. I can't deny how much Xena means to me. I know that I love Xena and that she loves me -- we are best friends afterall. But, is it possible that there's more to this? Do I feel more than friendship? My hands rise up to rub my temples as I softly let out a sigh of frustration. Agh! This confusion... this...this DESIRE is eating at me as much as this dream.
Still lying on my back, I gaze up into the clear night sky. The nightmare is clear in my mind. I close my eyes begging whatever god that cared that I would be allowed some reprieve. But no such luck...
Don't speak ... I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining ... Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don't speak ... I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons ... Don't tell me cause it hurts
FLASH -- I approach Xena and try to speak to her. I can't hear our voices, but the expressions on our faces say it all. She is rejecting me ... sending me away. She looks like she hates me -- like she would take pleasure in seeing me dead. I turn to leave the hut with tears in my eyes leaving Xena to hold onto her lifeless son. FLASH -- I am running through a forest and I see the little girl. I now have no doubt as to her identity. As much as I can't believe it, I am forced to face the fact that Solan's demise is her fault -- no, it is really MY fault. I should have believed Xena; but what type of mother could believe their own child capable of such evil. I have come to know that no matter my deepest wishes, the truth of the matter is brighter than Apollo's sun. I am the cause of Xena's excruciating pain.
Our memories ... Well, they can be inviting
But some are altogether ... Mighty frightening
As we die, both you and I
With my head in my hands ... I sit and cry
FLASH -- I see my brave warrior fighting several bandits dressed in nothing but her shift. Piercing blue eyes radiate pleasure as a touch of a smirk form on full lips. She easily takes down one dingy-looking opponent after another. She can't leave me behind in Potidaea. I have to join her -- I have to learn from her -- I want to be like her!FLASH -- I am looking up into Xena's tear-filled eyes. My own are wide, and my chest is rising and falling rapidly. I can feel the parchness in my mouth. Loving hands are stroking my hair and she is kissing my forehead and the crown of my head over and over, before pulling me into a protective hug. What is going on? She is acting like I have died... FLASH -- Xena and I are walking along a road to no where in particular. We are playing a game where I am trying to guess the name of a ruffian who met their demise at her hands. The game is taking a long time, but I don't mind. I'm just enjoying being with her. FLASH -- I see a sky that rivals the intensity of my love's eyes. The sun is beaming down upon us. We both are in pain. We are...we are... hanging on... Roman crosses! I look over to Xena and she is looking at me. The intensity in both of our eyes is evident. Slowly we both close our eyes as our heads raise toward the realm of the gods...
You and me I can see us dying...are we?
FLASH -- I see us standing by a funeral pyre. The eerily beautiful voice of Ephiny fills the night sky. Even though Xena is standing by my side, we couldn't be further apart. I want to explain, I want to hold her. I want her to simply look at me. I watch with a broken heart as she turns and walks away from me.
FLASH -- I see a battered and bruised body tumbling upon open terrain. The body is bound and being dragged by the feet by a beautiful and majestic horse -- a familiar horse. Argo? Then the maniacal laughing and whooping is coming from? No! The body... that body is...is...me! Argo abruptly halts, and my body catapults on the ground in an arc. I come to a grating stop. I watch as the intimidating person that I had seen only once (during our encounter with the Hoard) -- the Conqueror, came and cut my feet free. In a fluid motion, I am lifted like a huge log over the head of the woman I swore to stand by always. She is moving towards a most glorious sunset -- it is almost as if I can reach out and touch it .. had I been moving. I seem to be unconscious. Wait! Is she going to toss me over a cliff? I can feel strong arms lowering -- fingers gripping into my side to ensure that the following movement is sure. Her arms start to rise and at that moment, I awake and forcefully kick downward. My heel connects with the left side of her temple which causes both of us to drop. A few moments passed where we both had to regain our bearings. Slowly... achingly slow... we raise our heads and glare into the vessels of our souls. Only one emotion was present within us. We began to charge at each other -- and just by the force of the mutual assault, we both tumble off of the cliff into oblivion.
Once again I find myself sitting bolt upright. How can this happen? This has to be a trick of some vindictive god. Xena and I have been through so much. If this really is a vision of things to come... I don't think I can live with myself. Wrapping my arms round my body, I make myself face the stark truth that this last snippet of nightmare solidified for me. Yes, I...do love Xena -- but she is much more than my best friend. She is my soul mate, and I'm in love with her. I know that now. But after what I did to her in Chin, can I really expect her to trust me enough to take our relationship to the next level. That thought...that singular gut-wrenching thought...tore down the rest of my already fragile defenses that this ongoing nightmare has systematically destroyed. My shoulders drop along with my head, and I begin to sob.
Don't, Don't, uh-huh Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush
Don't tell me tell me cause it hurts!
Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush don't tell me tell me cause it hurts
I don't know how long I sat there sobbing until I felt strong arms embrace me and gently pull me into a protective hug. I lay my head upon my love's ample bosom and allow myself to be comforted. The feel of her soft lips kissing first the crown of my head and then my forehead is heavenly. I know that she hates to see me cry, so I decide to make every effort to stop. Yes, she knows I've been having nightmares -- but I'm certain she doesn't know the content. Being the stoic warrior that she is, I know she will not press me to talk about the nightmare until I am ready. I should tell her; but I wouldn't wish the pain of those images on my worst enemy -- not even Callisto.
It took me a moment to realize I am lying back down, but I have a very different kind of bed. I am lying, for the most part, on top of Xena. She is gently stroking alternately between my head and my back, which causes me to give a contented sigh. Slowly I look up and give her a genuine smile -- though my eyes, I am sure, still reflect the pain my soul is suffering from the nightmare. I move my lips to speak, but I find myself surprised when two long fingers cover my lips. With a shake of her head, and a sad smile of her own, she lowers her head and press her lips to mine. It isn't a romantic kiss, but it is full of love nonetheless. I feel my heart throb when I hear her emotion-filled voice speak softly in my ear. "Gabrielle, no matter what is troubling you, we will work it out together. You mean the world to me, and I love you." With those simple words, she pulls her cover over the top of us, and then wraps her arms around me.
For the first time in a fortnight, I am finally able to get some true sleep ... because I know that no matter what the future holds, Xena and I will face it together due to our bond of love.