I Got You
-January 20th, 2015-
Hope's POV:
I've always been protective of my teammates, but from afar. I've never put myself out there, more in the shadows, in the background, watching over them. (Damn, that sounds kind of creepy Solo) It's usually Ashlyn who would be the physical protector, getting rid of unwanted advances from guys or girls that tried to get close to our teammates.
Like the time this disgusting guy couldn’t take the hint that A-Rod didn’t want to talk to him, before he even put his hand on her Ashlyn grabs his wrist, "You're leaving now." Before he could protest, he for some reason, looked at me and I just glared at him, he stuttered and turned around walking away. A-Rod had thanked her a million times, too which Ashlyn simply relied, "Don't worry, I got you." putting here around the smaller blonde. We shared a look and nodded at each other, like we had this unspoken keeper agreement to always protect our teammates, both on and off the pitch. We are the last line of defense.
Or when later that night when Tobin was sitting at the table next to mine, this girl came up to her and starting whispering in her ear and became handsy. Tobin had shied away from the touches and politely told her she wasn't interested but the girl didn’t let up. I was about to intervene, Tobin looked really uncomfortable.
Then Ashlyn comes out of no where and asserts herself between the two. Her back to the girl, facing Tobin carrying on a conversation like the girl wasn’t even there. The girl tapped Ashlyn on the shoulder and Ashlyn turned around, "Can I help you?" looking as annoyed as possible. The girl had a smirk on her face, "actually you can, lets head back to my place so I can show you how," she put her hand on Ashlyn's stomach. I watched the whole scene unfold in disbelief (Wow this girl is crazy).
I saw Ashlyn look down at her hand, she gently grabbed her hand, lean in, "I'm spoken for, and honestly you're not my friends type, so instead of embarrassing yourself some more I suggest you find someone else to take home." she let go of the girls hand and turned back to Tobin. I couldn't help but chuckle, Ash and I made eye contact again and I smirked raising an eyebrow at her, she rolled her eyes. I would have paid good money to record the look on the girls face before she turned around and walked away. Tobin was laughing, "spoken for huh Ash," "Shut it Toby." Tobin threw her hands up in mock surrender.
That was Ashlyn, protector off the pitch, always had our teams back, always there.
Which is why I still can not believe she did this, to Ali non the less. It's been a rough 2 1/2 weeks. I feel this overwhelming need to protect Ali now, to protect this team.
I've never in my life seen the pain housed in someone's body like I did that day. It's made my past feel like scraps and bruises instead of the hell I thought I went through.
I'm packing up my stuff for tomorrows flight back home. Tobin is out with Kelley and Alex doing god knows what, those three are crazy. I'm glad Kelley has them, she's been withdrawn since the whole thing happened. I really hope she doesn't think some thing is going on between me and Ali, that's the last thing I need right now.
____
Ali's POV:
It's the last day of camp.
17 days since she left.
16 nights that I've fall asleep not in her arms.
413 hrs since I last felt her on my skin.
24,780 minutes without hearing her voice, with the exemptions of her voicemail.
Her voicemail, I’ve called her so many times hoping she'd pick up. That now I just call to hear her stupid, sweet, loving voice one more time. (Pathetic Alex, just pathetic)
I'm supposed to be packing up my room. At first they wanted me to trade rooms, but I told them it was fine. My teammates have been volunteering to sleep in the vacant bed so I won't be alone. It's mostly been Heather and Pinoe, which I appreciate cause they keep me smiling and don't prod when I don't want to talk.
I prefer to have Hope though she sees straight though my façade, and I can break down to her without feeling to pathetic. She's the only one that won't feed me that bullshit, ‘it'll be ok.’
To be honest no ones really told me that, and I'm glad, but at the same time I see the way they look at me, like I'm frail and will break at any moment, any word of Ashlyn.
Jokes on them cause you can't break what's already been shattered. You can only turn it into fine dust at this point. Which I'm sure is what my heart and soul are now, finely grounded pieces of grain, that have been blown away with the wind.
I know everyone's worried about me. I would be too if I could feel any other emotion then heartache, hate, and the most recently emptiness.
Emptiness, funny isn't it. How does one feel emptiness when it means the absence of. It means nothing is there. It's empty. Void. Nonexistent.
Yet it's the only thing that is filling, all consuming my being right now.
She was my drug, everything about her intoxicated me to a level of permanent high.
I need to hear her voice, my small dose of her, so I grab my phone and tap on her contact name ‘My Keeper Stud’ and her picture pops up. It's a picture of us at the beach, in her environment, my lips pressed again her cheek, her one sided dimple smile that slays me every time.
I spend so much time staring at the pic that before I can raise the phone to my ear, it says call ended and her picture disappears. ( what the hell) I tap on her contact name again and put the phone straight to my ear. “I'm sorry. The number you have dialed has been disconnected or is no longer in service-“ I throw my phone across the room.
I can't hear her voice, I can't get my fix. I can feel her diminishing from my veins. I'm crashing down from my high. I’ve been in such an impaired state of mine since she been apart of my life, that now that I can't hear her voice it's like quitting cold turkey.
The withdraws hit with such intensity.
All the emotions I felt the day I heard Jill say she left me come flooding back. I can't breathe as it happens again, my hurricane returns. (Fuck you Ashlyn!)
……….
I can't remember how or even when I left, but now I'm staying in front of my hotel room door with a bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand. I push open my door and enter into my abyss…
____
Hope's POV:
I sit on my bed looking at the time, I realize I haven't heard from Ali in almost two hours. I shoot her a text.
KRIEGER: You done packing yet? I could use a walk.
I put my phone down and finish putting a few things away. 15minutes go by with no answer( Weird … She's usually pretty quick in replying) maybe she fell asleep
KRIEGER: Wake up sleepy head.
KRIEGER: Come on Kriegs I'm bored and Kelley is with Tobin and Alex
It's been almost an hour and I'm starting to get worried. (Maybe she's with HAO)
SOLO: Hey, you with Ali?
HAO: Not uh try Pinoe. I think she said something about taking her for coffee.
HAO: Everything ok?
SOLO: Ok thanks, and yeah just haven't heard from her is all.
HAO: Ok, Let me know if she's with her.
SOLO: Will do.
SOLO: Hey Pinoe are you with Ali?
PINOE: Nope hanging with Syd try HAO
SOLO: HAO said you guys were going for coffee.
PINOE: that was like 3 hrs ago. She said she was gonna pack and hang out with you
PINOE: I'm assuming she's not with you...
I call Ali a couple times but it goes straight to voicemail. I'm starting to get worried, she hasn't allowed herself to be alone more than an hour since it happen. I get a group text from HAO and Pinoe.
HAO: Hey she's not answering her phone.
PINOE: Some one said they saw her leaving the hotel about 2 hrs ago said she looked out of it.
SOLO: and they didn't think to check if she was ok?!!
HAO: I asked to receptionist, he said she left and came back in like 10 minutes with something.
PINOE: maybe she got food?
SOLO: She's not answering her door. HAO get a key to her room.
HAO: Be right there
PINOE: Head your way too
I'm pacing outside her door waiting for HAO (Please just be in a really deep sleep in your bed) my mind is racing with the possibilities that she's not in her room and the darkness as finally swallowed her whole, and I wasn't there to protect her. I've failed her, I told her I'd be there for her.
I feel a hand on my shoulder, I spin around so fast I give myself whiplash. "Sorry... what are we gonna do if she's not in there... do we tell coach she's missing?" Pinoe asks cautiously, I can see the panic in her eyes and I wonder if my eyes show the same thing. Syd puts her arms around Pinoes shoulders giving her a little squeeze. "Let's just see if she's in here ok Pin."
The midfielder nods her head slowly trying to reassure herself.
I turn around again when I hear the elevator ding and see Heather jog out towards us. I take in a deep breathe and she hands me the key card, "Ok uhm Syd... you mind waiting out here." I feel bad for asking but I don’t want Ali to be upset, I know it's only been HAO, Pinoe and myself that have stayed the night with her. Syd nods in understanding, I send a small smille in return.
I insert the key card, watch the light turn green and push down on the handle. I walk in first, followed by HAO then Pinoe, the smell of whiskey hits us instantly. (shit) I call out for her but she doesn’t answer, we look in the bathroom but there's no one. I look down and I see her phone broken on the floor in front of the tv. ( Fuck )
I get past the corner and see her head just above the bed by the window. I rush over to her, she's leaning against the bed, the back of her head against it, hanging just to left. "Oh my god" I hear Heather say and Pinoe gasp. There's a visible line on her cheeks, where the river of tears were no doubt flowing. Her arms are down at her sides, noticing the bottle of Jack Daniels on it's side next to her hand, I pick it up seeing there's a shot at the most left. I put the back of my hand in front of her nose. "She's breathing." (Thank God)
I put my hands on her cheeks, "Ali.. Ali wake up." She doesn't move or make a sound. "open your eye's Al" she's till not responding. "Hope what do we do" I hear from a scared Pinoe. I put my arms under her and begin to pick her up. Ali's body responds too mine, her hands searching for something, she rest grabs onto my shirt like she did the first time I picked her up like this.
"Ash?" she whispers out, furrowing her brow but not opening her eyes. "Ali its Hope... open your eyes for me please." She opens her eyes and stares at me confused, her eyes are bloodshot with bags under them. "Hope? why are you-" her face and eyes fall, like reality just hit her. The look brings an ache to my soul, that I've never felt.
She pushes of my chest and I nearly drop her, "Al-"
"Put me down!" she yells, "let me go" she slams her fist on my chest. "Ali calm-" "let go Hope!"
I put her down and she stands there for a second, "Why... HOW COULD SHE DO THIS TO ME?!" her hands grab at her chest She's looks at me pleading with her eye for the answer's I don’t have. She looks down, tears are now pouring down her face. "It was the last thing- the last thing I had- Her voice- She- FUCK!"
Her body begins to shake, she's gasping for air as she cries her soul out. I embrace her and she falls into me, Heather comes to her right and Pinoe on the left, we surround her with as much love as humanly possible. "I don’t know what to do guys... she disconnected her phone" I let go enough to look at Heather and Pinoe, they both have tears in their eyes. "I tried to drown her out. I don’t want to feel like this anymore."
"Drinking isn't the answer honey,"
"I didn't-"
"Ali the bottle is empty"
"I COULDN'T OK!" She push us all away and we let go to give her some room ,so she sits on the edge of the bed, "I opened the bottle put it to my lips, but I couldn’t take a drink." she rocks back of forth, "I wanted to be as drunk as she used to make me feel but I knew nothing would compare... I couldn't drink it... so I cried, and cried, until I passed out, I guess it spilt cause I swear to you didn't drink it." she rubs her face with her hands and bends forward. "I feel like I'm at the bottom of a hole and every time I try to jump to get out, it gets farther and farther away, I get deeper into the hole."
I drop to my knees in front of her and pick up her head in my hands, "hey look at me" she raised her eyes slowly, they look so different, like I'm looking into the eyes of a stranger and it scares me to no end. "I got you ok..." I look up at Pinoe and Heather, "We got you. You are not alone Ali. We are going to be here for you every step of the way. I'm down there with you in that hole, Heather and Megan are going to help us get out, the whole team is going to get us out ok. I'm not leaving you."
She lets out a few for cries before she nods her head and looks up too the girls, they both smile and nod their heads to her. "We'll get you out Ali" "We promise" she opens arms and we hug her again. "I love you guys" "we love you too Ali"
"I'm sorry if I scared you guys..."
"No. None of that."
"We're all here now, that's all that matters ok"
"ok.."
After a few more minutes of holding onto each other we slowly let go. Me and Pinoe decided to clean up the whiskey that spilt, after a minute Pinoe stands up, "I gotta tell Syd she should go back to the room ..." We look back and HAO is running her fingers through a sleeping Ali's hair. "You guys should go get some rest, I'll stay with her tonight." I'm hesitant at first but Pinoe puts her hand on my shoulder, "If you are going to be in that hole with her you're gonna need your rest Hope."
I agree after thinking about it. (It's going to be twice as rough now)
I walk back to my room with a heavy heart, I really wish I could take away Ali's pain. Take away everything, I can handle it, I've felt so much pain in my time that I can bear her load.
I open the door to my room and close it, resting my forehead and fist against it letting out a heavy sigh.
“How is she?” I hear someone say behind me. Turning around quickly I see Kelley sitting on the chair near the window.
My heart is racing, “she's barely holding on… You scared me Kell, I thought you were out with Tobin and Alex.” I exhale and walk over to sit on my bed across from her.
“I was ...” She hesitates and looks at me, “Tobin calls her everyday… She never picks up, but she still calls.” I open my mouth but she stops me. “When we found out it was disconnected we figured that Ali already knew, so we hurried back to check on her. We met Syd outside her door and she told us that you Pinoe and Heather were in there. So I figured I'd wait for you in here, Tobin gave me the key....”
She looks down at her feet. I stay silent for a minute trying to gather my thoughts.
“I'm sorry I shouldn't-“ she stands abruptly, I look up and see tears running down her face.
She turns to walk away but I grab onto her hand and stop her, “Kell…” She doesn't turn around but I hear her breathing in sharply. I turn her around and embrace her, holding on as tight as I can. “Talk to me… Please.”
She breaks, crying from her heart. She holds onto me like her life depends on it. So I stroke her hair lightly and patiently wait for her to speak.
“ I'm sorry...” She whispers out between sobs.
“Kelley there’s no-“
“No I need to say this Hope.” I nod for her to continue, she's still holding on to me and lets out a few more sobs. “ I'm sorry.. I made you try to make us-“
“Kelley you didn't make me-“ I start to pull away to look her in the eyes, but her yelling stops me.
"Hope you never wanted this! You never wanted- I basically forced you to try, I knew you didn't want to.” I lower my head so it's resting on her shoulder.
“ I was stupid to think it could work. That we could work.” She pushes off me and I let go out of confusion. “If Ash could just leave Ali like that without a trace, when she was visibly in love with her. What's stopping you from leaving when I know you didn't even want to be in a relationship! How do we even stand a chance if they couldn't make it”
Normally being compared to someone else like that would piss me off so much I’d just leave or shut down completely. But when I look at her, I look at her and I see how scared she is, how her eyes betray the words she just spoke. I know she still believes in us, it's in her eyes, she's just giving me an out.
“Fine... If that's what you want” I see her close her eyes, I walk past her towards the door. I turn around, “but …” She turns around confused, sadness overtaking her eyes that I'm at the door already, “I'm not letting you leave this room thinking I don't want to be with you… If you want out then go. But don't fed me this bullshit ‘I know You don't want this’ Because you don't know Kelley. No one can make me do anything I don't want to… I want you Kelley, I always have and I always will.” I feel the tears falling down my cheek.
I see her standing there, yet to say a word. I take a chance and step towards her. She looks up at me, hesitantly, and takes a step forward as well. We slowly inch closer, Kelley puts her hand on my shoulders and I snake my arms around her waist, “I'm scared Hope…” she puts her head on my chest, and kiss the top of her head.
"Me too Kell”
“H.. How do I know .. You won't change your mind…” she states more than asks.
“You're just gonna have to trust me. I'm going to fight for you, because… “ I gently pull away and lift her chin so that I'm starring into the galaxies I've gotten lost in so many times. My smile reaches into the depths of my heart, “I am without a doubt in soul, madly, deeply, in love with you Kelley Maurien O’Hara, and I am not going to let you go.”
The last of my walls come tumbling down. It's crazy cause I always thought some one would tear them down, not that I would let them down myself. It's actually really liberating.
As I'm gazing into her eyes I see the doubt and worry begin to subside, she does this adorably weird combination between crying and laughing. I just smile down at her, allowing her to see this newly exposed piece of me. My last hidden self, the part that is in love with her.
I kiss the tears away. “Say it again” she whispers.
“I am in love with you Kelley O’Hara.” I repeat with so much emotion. “I love you”
She crashes her lips on mine, deepening the kiss with passion I've never felt before. I always knew she was holding back, just enough to herself, to keep her heart safe. I allow myself to get lost in this new passion. Both of us letting go completely, guards down, no more doubt, trusting each other unconditionally. I slow down the kiss and release my lips from her reluctantly, I still have something to tell her.
"When I first saw Ali after Jill told her about Ashlyn... I swear I saw her heart and soul shatter, I could feel the pain radiating from her Kell... I … I knew at that moment, that I would do anything to protect you from that kind of pain. I would rather be tortured every second of every day than be the cause of that kind of destruction. I am not going to hurt you like that, I am not going to let you go. As long as you want me in your life I will fight to stay in it. I swear."
I kiss her with the same intensity as before. She pulls back this time, "Damn Solo, you had me at 'I want you'" She laugh/cries again and my heart melts even more, "So this is happening …. finally, I got you, the big bad Hope Solo."
"You've always had me Squirrel, from the moment we locked eyes and you tripped walking into the lobby." I chuckle at the memory.
She playfully slaps my arm, "Took you long enough to admit it."
We smile at each other, I know she hasn’t said I love you back to me but I'm surprisingly ok with it.
I realize it's getting late and my plane leaves early tomorrow so I'm forced to say goodnight. Kelley isn't thrilled but we are still 'at camp' so she can't sleep in here. I walk her to your room and she pulls me into a passionate kiss before pulling away.
I smile down at her and she smiles up at me
"Sorry I just had to have one last kiss"