Chapter 50
Bellamy's hand in mine, we go to find ourselves a nice spot to sit and talk. There is a shrouded tree under which Bellamy sits, and I straddle him, arms around his neck instantly and my face buried in the nook of it. And we don't really talk at first. We just hold each other, his arms around my waist, and I lose myself in the warmth and scent of him. At times, my lips find the skin of his neck, and one of his hands sneaks under my shirt to caress my back. And I can never be angry when he holds me like this. So now's the hard part - not falling apart.
''I'm sorry,'' I mumble after a while, but I don't dare pull back or even cling onto him with any less fervor.
''I'm sorry too,'' I hear him say, and I want to tell him he has nothing to apologize for but I can only shake my head against his shoulder. My throat's closed up and words wouldn't come out.
''I have to do this,'' he goes on, and I want to say ''I know'' but I can only nod.
''I want to promise you I'll come back, but you're the one person I can't promise anything I'm not sure of,'' he says, ''All I can promise you is I'll do my best.''
I take a deep breath. Now is the time to pull back and say something. Now is the time to suck it up.
So I pull back and meet his eyes.
''I know,'' I manage to say, swallow a lump, and continue on with more stability, ''You know it's what I like about you most. You've been completely straight-forward with me since day one, haven't you,'' I manage a smile.
''The Tasha I remember seemed to call it being an asshole,'' he smiles back.
''You and Raven are the two most straight-forward people I've ever known and yes, you're both assholes,'' I grin, ''And I love you both anyway.''
For a split second I realize I've just said the Big Three Words, but I don't panic over it, and it doesn't feel all that special and spectacular either. It's nothing I haven't felt all along, and it's nothing he didn't know already. It's the first time I say it to him though, and it's not exactly directly, so it makes me think that maybe it deserves a do-over. Maybe it deserves a Moment. Just me and him and some atmosphere very romantic perhaps and the big special ''I love you''.
But something makes me think that we might not get that chance and I am awfully aware that this isn't a hundred year old movie. There are no big moments in a life where every moment is survival. Me bringing Raven breakfast is ''I love you.'' Dad watching over me is ''I love you.'' Me and Nathan shielding each other in battle is ''I love you''. Bellamy willing to die for us all is ''I love you.'' And it's more than any words could ever express.
''The path is dangerous though,'' I continue right away, shaking my head into seriousness, sobering up, ''The Reaper tunnels?''
''It's the only way,'' he says, ''It's how they take them.''
''And when you get in - then what? Going by what Clarke's told us, you're just gonna end up in a cage like the rest of the Grounders!''
''I'll find a way-''
''Bellamy!'' I throw up my hands, eyes wide.
''Look, I'll have to!'' he grabs my wrists, ''This is bigger than me and you; I will find a way because I have to find a way. If I don't, all of our friends inside that mountain are dead.''
I get what he means. He'll die trying if need be, but he will find a way. Because everyone depends on him.
''You have to trust me,'' he says, his eyes boring into mine.
''I do,'' I say honestly, ''I trust you.''
''The hard part comes once I do infiltrate,'' he places his hands on my thighs now, ''Figuring out how to take down the acid fog. That's all Raven and Sinclair.''
''Well, damn,'' I mutter, more to myself, ''It falls to Raven to save us all again.''
Bellamy's hands on my thighs squeeze a bit, gently. ''Well, she's the genius; I'm just the jock,'' he jokes feebly, the smile on his face tired. The responsibilities on both of them are huge, I realize that; the strength in both of them more than I can put in words.
''I wish I could go with you,'' I say.
''I know,'' he rubs a thigh, ''Even if you could. Like you don't know I wouldn't let you in a million years.''
''Let me?'' I laugh, ''When did I ever need your permission, oh Rebel King?''
He chuckles, and the sound heals my soul. ''True enough, but I'd tie you down if I had to.''
''Now is not the time for your kinky suggestions, Bells,'' I smirk, to which he laughs again.
This moment, what we have now - will we ever be able to have it for real? To have it for good? Just being together, and living instead of surviving? The sheer normality of it? I can't even imagine it now.
''Besides, I need you here with Octavia,'' he says, ''To watch each other's backs when I'm not around. Octavia, you and Lincoln are the only ones that can bridge the gap between us and the Grounders. You know that.''
''Sounds like you don't trust Clarke and Lexa enough to keep it afloat.''
''Clarke and Lexa are only two people,'' Bellamy reasons, ''Leaders, yes, but two, and not two of the common people. We'll need everyone to work together, and the trust isn't just gonna build itself because Lexa ordered it.''
I get what he means. Octavia's going to keep this alliance alive if anyone is, whereas me and Lincoln can only do so much all things considered. But even so; I do speak Trigedasleng well enough to get around, and I do understand their culture better than anyone back at camp, and I understand how I can be helpful back here. Octavia's going to need help and support once Indra comes back with her warriors. And likely someone to watch her back.
''When do you leave?''
''Tomorrow,'' he replies, ''Or the day after that. We had to take some time to think it all over and plan... And I wanted Lincoln to have a few more days to recover.''
''Okay,'' I nod, taking a deep breath, ''Okay. I'll get through this. Because I do trust you. I know you'll take down that fog. Because you have to. You don't have a choice.''
He smiles softly, moving his hand to my neck to cup my jaw.
''And when you do,'' I add, ''And we get those doors open, I'm personally getting you out if I have to.''
He gives me a look - not exactly a frown, but something creases his eyebrows even as his smile still lingers, and his eyes are so full of everything it's hard to pull out any one thing out of it. But he doesn't give me time to think before he pulls me into a kiss, gentle at first, then as eager as ever.
*
The next day I do not leave Bellamy's side for one moment. I'm there when he and Lincoln go over the plan all over again, filling in any possible gaps. I'm there when they train and Lincoln teaches him a few moves he could use once he's inside Mount Weather. I'm there when he goes over the other part of the plan with Raven. And hearing everything and putting it together myself, it puts me at ease a bit.
He wants to leave today, not wanting to waste any more time, but I manage to convince him to leave it for first light tomorrow, and Lincoln tells him it's better to travel the tunnels during the day. Reapers are even wilder at night, and might fuck up their plans altogether. So Bellamy obeys. And throughout the whole day, I am surprisingly fine.
Until night comes and I realize it might be our last night together.
We lie down in bed and suddenly something is pressing so hard against my chest I feel like I might suffocate. He senses it, because he turns my face around to kiss me. It's the only thing he can do; it's not like there's anything he can say. I kiss him back and climb on top of him, removing my clothes as I go.
His hands are roaming my naked body, and I do enjoy the feel of his calloused fingers running up and down my back as we kiss, so in that moment I don't really understand why I feel like crying. It's not really just a feeling either - it's started, actual tears behind my closed eyelids that I am trying to somehow push back with all my might. But I can't. One miserable tear escapes me, and I pull back, and he opens his eyes and I can literally see his heart break before he wipes the tear with a thumb. He doesn't say anything because - again - what is there to say? I place my hand over his and move my face into his palm so I can kiss it. Then I dive back down into a kiss on the lips, and I refuse to pull back this time. We make sweet love until sleep takes over us. Tears may have escaped me throughout.
*
We wake up early, with the first pink light of cracking dawn gracing the clear sky. I refuse to go back to sleep as Bellamy suggests, so I get dressed and follow him to where he's to meet up with Lincoln. Lincoln's already there in the designated room, a bunch of Grounder clothes in his arms and at his feet. The sight of them gives me a wild idea, but then I remember the silent promise I gave to Bellamy. I have to stay back with Octavia, watch her back the way he won't be able to. I have to honor that.
I go and grab us all some breakfast while Bellamy gets dressed, because there is no way in hell they're leaving on empty stomachs, especially since there's no telling when Bellamy might be able to get his hands on some food once inside. He won't be of any use to anyone half-dead. He protests a bit until I explain to him exactly that, then devours the double portion once he realizes the big picture.
I go and gear up myself. I decide to put on my own Grounder clothes, the ones Rand gave me. I haven't even looked at them since that day I took them off. It's strange, the way it almost feels like I'm putting on second skin. But there is something about it - the clothes, the armor, the warpaint, the drums, the cries. It stirs something within you and steers you onward. Grounders would know best.
I don't put them on just because I feel like it, however. I put them on because I'm intent on sending them off. Bellamy protested, but there's no discussion there. I'm walking him off until the last line. It's simple - Lincoln's going to bring Bellamy in, and I'm going to wait for him outside, and we'll walk back home together.
''You ready?'' Bellamy peeks into my tent once he's finished final preparations and saying his goodbyes.
''Yeah,'' I strap the quiver-full of arrows across my back.
''Let's go.''
*
It's more of a hike than a walk, filled with skulking through the growth. Keeping to cover seems smartest in a Reaper infested area. Though they mostly stay in their tunnels, it's not unusual for them to come out and lurk for prey outside, as I know first-hand. We stay alert though, and the hike is so far danger-free.
I don't know what Lincoln wants when he stops us with an arm keeping us back, but then he throws his spear and the next thing we know there's a dead deer on the pathway ahead, speared through and bleeding. Lincoln comes down, kneels before it, dips his hand into the blood before he smears it across his face. I shudder, remembering him on that parking lot, and the way his eyes looked dead as he stared at us through that car window, and the way I was ready to shoot him to save ourselves. Bellamy swallows, no doubt recalling the same memories.
''I need to know exactly what happens after the intake door,'' Bellamy says as we're back to our hike.
''They remove your clothes, blast you with boiling water, and douse you with something that burns even worse,'' Lincoln explains and I shudder again, ''From there, we were sorted. The others were tagged harvest. I was tagged Cerberus, turned into a Reaper.''
''Wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on,'' I stop walking, my heart thumping a little too hard, ''How do we know they won't just turn him into a Reaper?!''
''Calm down-,'' Bellamy starts.
''Calm down?!''
''There is a woman. Like... a doctor. Like Abby,'' Lincoln explains, ''She makes the decision.''
''How?''
''Vital signs,'' Bellamy suggests, ''A look-over. If they know what they're doing, she won't turn me down.''
Lincoln only nods in confirmation. And I find it in me to move again. It makes sense. She wouldn't turn down someone with the health of a person coming from the Ark. Once again, I have to trust it, going against fear.
''Cerberus,'' Bellamy speaks after a while of hiking in silence, ''Three-headed dog that guards the underworld.''
I smile at that despite all, but Lincoln gives him a questioning look.
''My mom read mythology to us all the time. Octavia loved it,'' Bell explains, before he says: ''You're good for her. You made her strong.''
''She was already strong,'' Lincoln replies. And I can only silently agree.
''Hey, I need to ask you something,'' Bellamy says again, ''You protected my sister before you even knew her. Why?''
''When I was a boy, I saw a ship fall from the sky like Raven's. The man inside was hurt, his body broken. I couldn't get him out.''
''Suicide by Earth,'' Bellamy and I say at the same time, then share a look of mild amusement.
''I heard the stories in the guard,'' Bellamy explains, ''I just didn't know they were true.''
''I'd heard rumors. When I asked mom about it, she just told me not to talk of such things,'' I say, remembering.
''Anyway, I brought him food, water,'' Lincoln goes on, ''I didn't speak the enemy's language yet. So I couldn't understand him, but I wanted to. So on the third day, I told my father. He made me kill him,'' he pauses, as though to digest that fact all over again, ''The world has been trying to turn me into a monster for as long as I can remember. Let's keep moving.''
It breaks my heart a bit.
''Wait,'' Bellamy says, ''Parking garage where we found you - it's north, that way.''
''There's a mine entrance closer to where the Reapers hand us over,'' Lincoln explains, ''We'll go into the underworld when we have to, not before.''
*
After a while we stop to rest. We've walked for hours now. Lincoln is preparing the pole he's going to tie Bellamy to, while I get some food out for all of us. Bell won't stop looking at that map of Mount Weather, like he hasn't memorized it entirely by now. I'll bet he's seeing it in his sleep.
We don't talk while we eat. The fear is gnawing at me, but I fight it. The concern is all over Bellamy's face, but he's fighting it too. I glance at him every once in a while to check on him, as though something would change, as though I could do anything. But looking at him gives me comfort. It doesn't sink in that this might be the last day I'm seeing his face. But I still look and admire. He's so beautiful. I love every inch of his skin, every freckle on his face. I inch closer to him. He gives a fleeting smile when our hips bump against each other, and I have to fight myself not to lay down my head on his shoulder. Now is not the time anymore.
''The mountain has many eyes between here and the tunnels,'' Lincoln says after a while, ''From now on, details must be exact.''
''What if we run into real Reapers?'' Bellamy asks, ''Won't they wonder where you've been?''
''All they see is the red. Once you take it, nothing else matters, just how you'll get more,'' Lincoln replies.
''How much do you remember from when you were on it?'' Bellamy asks like he reads my mind.
''Everything,'' Lincoln says. The realization makes my heart punch against my chest.
It never once ocurred to me that Lincoln might remember things from his time on the drug. I just never considered it. And now that I know, just trying to comprehend the mere idea of living with those horrors - it's beyond me. How does he do it? How has he survived? It's terrible, and it's incomprehensible. But it also gives me some strange hope in a way - if Lincoln could come back from that, we can come back from anything.
''Time to move on,'' Lincoln grabs the pole before he motions for Bellamy, ''Turn around.''
He ties him to it and leads him ahead, and I follow tailing them, keeping to the shadows.
*
I follow them right to the entrance of the tunnel. We're all shaking in fear by the moment we reach it, and without goodbyes too long for the sake of all of us, I only kiss Bellamy and swallow back everything and step out of the way. His eyes linger on mine for a short moment, saying everything I already know. Lincoln takes a deep, shaky breath.
''Come on, let's do this,'' Bellamy breathes.
I step back and watch them walk into the darkness, until they're swallowed whole.
''May we meet again,'' I say. If there's no God, my words have fallen on deaf ears.