Chapter 48
The moment Bellamy recounts everything that happened in Tondc, I kiss him and get dressed in a hurry wanting to get to Raven as soon as I can. I feel horrible, like someone's clawing at my insides, and I realize God, I love this girl, I really do, and the next time someone hurts her, I will hurt them right back and ten times worse. And I feel so sorry, for what happened that day in the Drop-Ship, and everything afterward - she's gone through more than any of us, and I had pulled a gun on her when she was at her most desperate, and I know I wouldn't have hurt her and she wouldn't have hurt Murphy either but it still hurts like a bitch and I just want to talk to her. She's lost her everything, and suffered more on top of it, and I'm sure that if I didn't hate Lexa before I sure as hell hate her now.
When I get to medical, she's not there. Abby tells me she refused to use one of the beds and left the moment her cuts were closed. So I go to her little lab, knowing her, knowing the way she copes with things. She's working on the radios without rest, I can bet my life on it.
And I'm right. She looks a bit tired, weakened maybe, dark circles under her eyes. But she's still very focused on what she's doing, a single line of concentration creasing her forehead. She looks up only briefly when she hears me open the door, before her eyes fall back on whatever she's doing. She doesn't say anything.
''I heard what happened,'' I say, not sure what else I could start this conversation with, having not thought this through.
''Yeah, well, I'll live,'' she says, doing something with a screwdriver, not looking up.
''You okay?'' I don't move from the door, like my feet are planted.
''I will be,'' she says, still not looking up, and I understand I'm not her favorite person in the world, and I don't blame her at all, but I still don't want us to be like this. She stays silent a while, and I think that's about it. I'm ready to turn back around and walk out. But then she says:
''Are you okay?'' Just one glance at me from the corners of her eyes, before they're back on her work. And it's more than I would have asked for.
''Yeah, I will be,'' I say. She nods.
''I'm sorry, Rey,'' I add, almost as an after-thought, but I'm glad it escapes my mouth.
''I'm sorry too,'' she says, and with that I leave her. It's a start, and I don't want to push her.
*
When I try to find dad, he's not in his tent, nor in Engineering, nor anywhere around camp that I can see. We must have somehow missed each other somewhere by a hair, so I go back to Engineering to look again but instead find him coming out of the Council Room. He's been arguing with Abby, I can see. I can't hear what they're saying at the door from this distance yet, but I can see her give him a few more words with re-assuring nods and a hand on his shoulder. Then she apparently tells him I'm here looking for him, because he turns around, and she leaves us in the hall with a smile my way.
''What was that about?'' I ask.
''Nothing,'' he gives a tired smile, ''Just making sure of some things.''
''Dad,'' I say, but it sounds like a warning. When he doesn't say anything, I persist. ''Abby has enough to deal with as it is, please don't push for things I already have under control.''
''I'm not,'' he says with a playful smile, as we walk along.
''And you better not try anything stupid again either,'' I say, ''Nichols is here now. And he won't try anything; if he does, he's out.''
''You ate?'' he only asks, sounding somehow too content and satisfied, like everything I've just said is silly empty words because he's the one that already has everything covered, and that subtle smugness honestly worries me a bit. But I leave it aside for now anyway.
''No, but I can't eat with you,'' I say, ''There's a lot of things to cover today. I just wanted to check on you, make sure everything's okay.''
He grabs a small bowl as we pass through the small kitchen corridor, puts some berries and nuts in it, then hands it to me.
''Eating on your feet is bad for your stomach,'' he says to me, and it sounds so mundane and ridiculous in this world we live in now, that I could laugh, ''But as Reyes once said - Hurry up and save the world, right?''
''Right,'' I smile, ''I'll take some to her later.''
*
Munching on my snack, I decide to go check on our newcomers, see how they're fitting in. When I get to their part of the camp, I find they all look a bit lost still. Most have found tasks of their own, whereas the children are clustered together, timidly playing some game. Nichols is off with the rest of the guards - I saw him before getting here and he still had the decency to give me a sly look from the corners of his eyes. And I realized how strong I am now, when I made my boiling blood calm.
Sean can't shake off his role in his group, he's still acting like a mother hen around his people, though we're all one now. But when I find him an hour later behind the Ark, I'm surprised to find him with Bellamy.
''Hey there,'' I say, an amused frown on my face. They look up from the rifle to look at me, and I realize Bell's been giving him tips.
''Hey there,'' a subtle smile graces Bellamy's face, leaving the rifle in Sean's hands, ''You disappeared on me like a puff of smoke this morning.''
''Yeah, sorry about that,'' I say quietly, like it's too private for Sean's ears - and it is, everything we've been through, he has no idea what it's like, ''I just really had to talk to her.''
''How did it go?''
''Well, we talked, for one. So at least the silent treatment is no more,'' I smile, ''I'm gonna bring her these,'' I suddenly feel so ridiculous with the damn bowl in my hands, it's almost funny, ''You want some? And I see you two have met!''
Bellamy takes another step toward me, puts one hand on my cheek and places a kiss above my brow. Sean must have thought the kiss would be much more intimate, because his eyes are looking through the scope of his rifle, suddenly even more focused on what he's doing.
''I was going to see her myself,'' Bell says, ''I figured we should give her some time first though. And Sean here's being recruited as a gunner,'' Bellamy grins at the new boy, ''Ain't that right?''
Sean gives a salute.
''You do realize the Guard's in charge of all of that now, right,'' I grin.
''In light of recent events, I'd rather not be trained by a guard for now,'' Sean says, still feeling up the rifle, fixing up his aim.
''Well, I hope you're not sneaking away guns because Byrne is gonna roast your asses.''
Bellamy huffs out a laugh, but instead says:
''Sean, you want some berries?''
''No, thanks,'' he's squinting with one eye on the scope, ''After eating rabbit for a month I kind of ate us out of house and home this morning. I still feel like I'm digesting rocks.''
''Take it easy there, gunner,'' I chuckle, ''I'm glad you're getting used to the place.''
''Yeah, Monroe showed me around,'' Sean smiles at me, ''It's insane everything you have here.''
''We have,'' I correct him, ''Well, I gotta go,'' I peck Bellamy's lips, ''Gonna try and look for Clarke. Someone's gonna fill me in on everything today or I swear to God-''
''Tasha, wait,'' he grabs my arm, something different flashes across his face, ''I'll fill you in. I told you I would.''
He's acting weird. Everyone's been acting a bit weird, now that I think about it, but even thinking about trying to figure it out gives me a headache right now.
''Alright,'' I drawl, uncertain, ''I won't look for Clarke. Is everything okay?''
''Yeah,'' he gives a sudden smile, and I know it's not exactly sincere, ''I'll tell you everything tonight. Okay?''
I frown. This makes me a bit uneasy.
''Okay.''
*
Bellamy's words and the way he acted leave me restless throughout the day. I don't see Clarke anywhere in camp either, and I assume she's doing business with the Grounders. I can't wait for the day to end so Bellamy can tell me what's going on.
I spend some time training with Octavia, but my head's not into it, so it doesn't turn out very productive. Octavia told me to call it a day before I knock my own teeth out. So we called it a day.
Come to think of it, even Octavia seemed weird around me. She has to know things, but it's like everyone's keeping everything from me on purpose right now. That thought makes me mad, hurt and afraid all at once. I can't focus on what I'm doing, which right now is watching the perimeter.
Surprisingly, it didn't take too much convincing for Byrne to give me the shift among the guards. It's what I've been doing since we hit the ground after all, and I feel most in place here - keeping watch, a gun in hand. But now I'm restless. It's far more difficult scanning the woods around at night with so much light inside camp, and I am awfully aware that the moment is approaching of Bellamy finally filling me in on everything. I don't know why it makes me so nervous. But I just know I will hear something I won't like. Something's definitely going on.
I suddenly miss Finn. I miss being in his presence if not talking to him, because even sitting next to him could give me comfort. The feeling is almost physical, like a body part's been ripped away from me and I can't get used to its painful absence. And the worst thing about it is, it's so easy to forget he's gone when you go about your daily business around camp. There are ignorant moments in the day when I just half-expect to bump into him, coming out of his tent or leaving his gun in the armory. But then I realize the cruel joke and it's like a bullet right in the chest. He's not coming back. And now I think, wherever he is - if there even is a somewhere - I hope he's at peace, and I really hope we meet again.
And I miss Nathan. God, I could really use a grumpy comeback or two of his to settle my nerves. I could use the jokes that were always at my expense but I didn't mind, I could use a swing of moonshine he'd sneak in on the shift. I could use his silence. And as I think about this, I realize - he's gone, but he might come back. And that makes all the difference. It doesn't give me more hope, but it gives me more determination.
Ironically, it's Nathan's father that takes over my shift, giving me a smile. We've barely exchanged a few words in all this time, but I wonder if I should tell him something. But what would I say? ''Hey, your son's a great guy. We're gonna get him out!'' If I was him and someone said that to me, I'd probably punch them. So I don't tell him anything.
He was - is - my friend. He watched my back. He kept me close. He shielded my weakness, shrugged off my tears. His was a silent comfort, an earned brotherhood, and vows of few words. His loyalties never waver, and I know he's fighting right now, pulling at his chains.
But yeah, I don't say anything.
*
''Bellamy-''
''There was a message from Jasper,'' he says immediately, the moment I step into his tent. He looks like he doesn't know what to do with his hands, so he just sits down, elbows on his knees, rubbing his hands around each other. I, on the other hand, forget to breathe for a second.
''What? And I only hear of this now?''
He can't hold eye-contact with me for too long at a time. And I don't know if in this moment I should be angry or ecstatic that Jasper is alive or just downright terrified.
''He thinks they don't have much more time,'' Bellamy goes on, ''So we need an inside man. Someone to lower their defenses.''
It should hit me immediately, but it doesn't. In feeling so much, the realization comes too slow to my brain. I'm about to ask him who will be the inside man when he says:
''Lincoln's gonna help me through the Reaper tunnels.''
And then I really forget to breathe.
''What?'' I want to ask, but it's lower than a whisper.
''It's the only way,'' he stands up, takes one step toward me, looking like he's sorry for all the world, but I can't stop staring at him, mouth agape. I can't speak. I physically can't get myself to speak. My mind's a jumble until it's an empty blank.
''Tasha,'' he calls, takes another step, and that seems to be what wakes me up.
''It's not a way,'' I find my voice, but it sounds hollow even to my ears, ''It's a suicide mission.''
''It's the only option we've got,'' he wants to persuade me, his hand reaching out for me. And I'm not sure I want him to touch me right now. From how I see it, I could either break down or lash out on him. I don't know if I'm hurt or angry, or if it's a mixture of both in equal measure. But I know I'm terrified.
I step back, away from him.
''Why you?'' I ask, but it's a low growl, and the sound of my own voice makes my anger prevail in the equation, and I bite back the tears quivering in the corner of my vision, ''Why is it always you?''
''Who else?'' he asks, but it's almost like a sigh of resignation. The look in his eyes is apologetic. And I realize I really want to slap it off of him.
''Of course, who else,'' I scoff, ''Always the scapegoat.''
''Tasha-''
''Well, I gotta tell ya,'' I step further back, my voice taunting now, biting, ''Clarke's really enjoying her commander role around here. You know what, I bet if she told you to jump into a fire right now, you'd do it,'' I stretch out a sarcastic smile that doesn't reach my eyes, my bitter words dripping with venom.
''Tasha!'' Bellamy calls after me, but I'm already out of the tent, storming off to I don't even know where. But I know I don't wanna fucking hear it, and I know I want to punch someone good. I know I want to scream, but I'd rather make someone else scream.