Chapter 31
Dad insisted I catch some sleep before anything else. ''The world can wait a bit to be saved,'' he said with a smile when he threw a blanket over me, the way he used to do. I think we both needed that - him maybe more so than me. He is the one new to the ground, the one less used to things not being normal. The way he gets to take care of me again in small ways may help him ease himself through that. So I let him, and take some comfort from that myself.
Even though I am too nervous to fall asleep easily, exhaustion finally beats me, and the hours of sleep I get prove not only refreshing, but a way to escape reality for just a short while. For the first time in a while it's good, sound sleep, and without any nightmares - maybe it's because I finally feel somewhat safe again here in Camp Jaha, among my people, in my dad's tent. Even so, my weapons lie right next to me. The Guard was 'kind' enough to give them back, since they dpn't exactly fall under the no guns for the kids policy they are struggling to enforce.
I told them to wake me up the moment Bellamy, Clarke and the rest returned, but it's Raven that comes running to my tent just a bit late, it seems.
''T! Get up, they're back!'' she flaps the tent open.
''What's wrong?'' I sit up, shaking myself awake immediately at the sound of her voice and the look on her face. She's beyond upset.
''I don't know,'' she shakes her head, unable to stand still, ''Clarke and Bellamy are talking to Abby, they've been in there a while. I think it's about Finn.''
''What, why? Where is Finn?!'' I ask, pulling a jacket on.
''In his tent. I tried talking to him, he doesn't look well. He barely said a word to me. Something's happened, T.''
''Calm down, Raven,'' I say, putting a reassuring hand on her arm, ''He's back and he's safe, that's what's important. Whatever it is that's going on, I'm sure we can handle it.''
She nods, appreciating the encouragement and comfort, though the look on her face makes me more nervous than anything. We go out, looking for answers. It's dark outside already, though I am sure it can't be that late. The night is moonless; it demands fires and torches all across the camp.
''Octavia!''
I don't expect to see her, sitting there on a log by herself and cleaning her sword. Last I saw her Lincoln was carrying her away in the middle of battle with an arrow in her leg. That seems ages ago now. She looks deep in thought and just about as worn out as me - if not worse - sporting similar braids in her hair. I don't need to ask to know she's been through a lot.
''Tasha!'' she grins, striding forward and throwing her arms around me, ''Glad you're okay.''
''You too. But what are you doing here? Where's Lincoln?''
Her smile disappears and I regret asking instantly.
''He's gone.''
''God. I'm sorry, O,'' I say, heart aching for her. She's put her everything in Lincoln. It's not fair.
''Yeah,'' she nods, ''Me too.''
''You need to tell us what happened,'' Raven urges.
''I already told you, Raven. We could only make things worse by spreading this around before the council's informed-''
''Octavia,'' I insist, practically begging her with my eyes, ''It's us. Just us.''
Octavia looks at me with a frown, then at Raven. She takes a breath, shakes her head, sits back down. By the amount of time she's taking to just get it out, this can't be good. This can't be good at all. Suddenly, I get even more nervous.
''Things got out of control in that Grounder village.''
''How out of control?'' Raven asks.
''Eighteen dead.''
''What-?''
''By the time we arrived, it was- It was a slaughterhouse,'' Octavia shakes her head, clearly upset, heartbroken, shaken up.
''Finn did that?'' Raven asks in disbelief, sounding out of breath. That doesn't make any sense at all. How? Why?
''We're at war-,'' I start, unsure of what point I'm exactly trying to push.
''Eighteen innocent people, guys,'' Octavia explains further, ''Elders. Children. All unarmed.''
''Finn would never do that without a reason-''
''I don't know what kind of reason he thought he had,'' she bites back, then takes a breath, and takes on a calmer tone, ''And I'm sure he did what he thought he needed to do. We know Finn. But this - this was a massacre. No two ways about it.''
''I should go see him-''
''And what could you tell him?'' Octavia stops me, ''He didn't even say anything to Raven. Best we leave him alone tonight.''
''Alone? You think that's smart after what you've just told me? We haven't even heard his side of the story-''
''We have. Murphy was there.''
''Murphy!'' Raven and I pretty much shout at the same time.
''You believed Murphy?'' Raven asks.
''Not just Murphy,'' Octavia argues back, ''Nyko told me everything, he-''
''A Grounder?!'' Raven scowls, ''You trusted a Grounder to tell Finn's side of the story when-''
''He wouldn't lie, Raven!'' Octavia raises her voice, ''When he wept on his knees over the cold body of Artigas - the boy who saved MY life from a Reaper - the last thing on his mind was lies and the war they have with us.''
Raven shuts up. I don't know what to say either. This is too much to process.
''He was just a boy,'' Octavia adds, almost whispering, before she walks away.
I look to Raven. The frown on her face is hardly a reflection of everything going on in her mind. She looks back.
''I know Finn,'' she only says.
''I know. So what do we do?''
''They're still in there talking,'' she says nervously.
''Probably considering the threat of retaliation, which isn't a long shot at all,'' I share my conclusion.
She pauses a second, considers, then says:
''You try talking to him.''
*
I don't think I'll get any more out of Finn than Raven has managed to, but I have to check on him. He can't be okay, but I need to see. I need to look and try to find Finn Collins, the peacemaker I left behind in the old camp. Because all of this - it doesn't sound like Finn Collins at all.
I find him in front of what I assume is his tent, sitting on the ground, arms around his knees. He looks deep in thought, a few lines creasing his forehead, eyes trained on one spot only, somewhere in the distance. He doesn't look okay.
''Hey there.''
He turns around, and once he realizes who he's looking at, his eyes go wider. He stands up.
''I thought you were-''
''Dead?'' I smile, take one step forward carefully, hands in my pockets, ''Nah, still kicking.''
His feet are planted on the ground. He looks distressed, as though the reality of everything is too much and isn't exactly sinking in. As though nothing makes sense to him anymore. I've never seen him like this. The Finn Collins who always smiled and believed in the common good of humanity, I can't find him in there. The Finn Collins who really believed we could have made it without war this time around, that we could do better - this isn't him. He looks beaten down, broken, lost, resigned, disappointed. Everything Finn Collins never was.
''They say the Mountain Men took everyone-''
''Not me.''
He nods once, then looks at the ground, frown back on his face, going lost again. He sits back on the dirt, knees drawn once more.
''Well, I'm sure you're ecstatic to see me below all that,'' I joke, sitting next to him, trying to keep this whole thing light. We watch the camp in silence for a while, before he speaks again.
''I thought the Grounders had you, I didn't- I didn't mean to. I was willing to do anything to get you back, but- I didn't mean to-''
''I know.''
''No, you don't. None of you do,'' he looks at me now, playing offense instead of defense, ''I lost it back there, and Clarke can't even look at me now! Bellamy's afraid of what I'm gonna do next. None of you understand.''
''Look, I don't know what happened there, but it doesn't sound like you. I know you, Finn.''
''Do you?! Because I don't know myself anymore.''
''I know you're the boy who always tried to stop every fight. I know you're the one who wanted peace in the first place and tried to stop the war altogether. The only one who actually did anything about it.''
He shakes his head, staring at the ground, not wanting to hear it.
''I know you're the boy who shared his food with me, helped me when I was injured. You were the first to try and cut Murphy down. The first to make peace with Lincoln after everything. After he'd almost killed you.''
I'm not sure if I'm making things worse, because he looks just about ready to break, but I feel like he needs to hear all of this nonetheless. He has to be reminded, before he's gone for good.
''You were the one to risk your own skin with the Reapers that night, for all of us. And my personal favorite - you were the one to leave the safety of the Drop-Ship just to help Bellamy, knowing that there was a ring of fire coming,'' I say, remembering, ''Finn, this is all you. I don't know what happened out there and how exactly it went down but this? This is who you are.''
He shakes his head gently, still looking at the ground, sniffling just once. Then he stands up.
''Not anymore,'' he says before he leaves.