Chapter 14
We train every day. Once the basic training of how to actually use guns is done, hours are spent on target practice and honing precision only. Very quickly, the gunners stick out. Some people just seem to be naturally more prone to it.
I turn out to be among those people, which starts another conflict inside of me that I won't see an end to for a very long time, and I know it instantly. It's hard to reconcile these two very different parts of me, and I feel like I have to be whole for what's inevitably coming. I don't know how, though. I can't help hating that I enjoy shooting, hating the way I love how guns feel in my hands. I hate that I love that surge of adrenaline that consumes me when I shoot. I want to berate myself for it. I know I should be hating it. But I don't. I simply don't. My M16 becomes a companion very quickly, and I know that I have to work on embracing this, despite all. I finally don't feel so helpless anymore. It should be a good thing. I'm done being a victim. It should be a good thing.
We try not to waste too many bullets in training though, and Raven does all she can to multiply the ammo. How that girl manages to work her magic, I will never fully know. Sometimes, it's like she's just pulling stuff out of her ass, and I don't even bother to try and understand. We all know we have a genius among us, and I, for one, am infinitely grateful.
I like Raven a lot, and not just because she's invaluable to us. Yes, she's clever and tough, but she's loyal and one of the most brutally honest people I've ever met. I don't give my respect so easily, but she earned it quicker than most.
My crappy bow has been polished up with the help of another genius of our camp - Monty really seems to be good at everything he does. He helped me make a bunch of arrows - there has to be dozens on dozens of them now - all fletched too with the feathers we plucked off the different birds we've hunted down. They fly almost flawlessly. It's not perfect, but that's me, not the bow or arrows. I set aside time to practice archery as well, though it's slower progress. Shooting a gun is simply easier.
I avoid Bellamy like hell. It has to be obvious, though I try to play it natural. I'm iffy about what happened between us - sure it was great, but what now? He's over it, and I'm stuck on feelings that I don't want. So I mostly just lay low and listen to commands and only come in actual contact with him when he corrects something about my shooting. Maybe he's confused by my behavior; maybe he finds it weird or whatever, but I need to distance myself to be able to get my cool back. I need to be in control.
Not talking to Bellamy much sort of sucks though, for various reasons. One of them being that I kind of, disgustingly, miss him. I never realize just how attached I've grown to some folks in the camp, until I have to be away from them. It sucks. It sucks even more because I feel like Finn sees me as the actual devil now that I'm a gunner.
I really don't like the fact that I've grown attached to certain people. I don't like that I'm kind of afraid of losing Finn. Caring about others can put me in jeoprady, I know this. But I can hardly do anything about it. It all creeped up on me out of nowhere.
So I just let Finn cool off and get used to things, because he has to know he'll have to get used to things. He doesn't have to like it. It's not like any of us really do.
*
The only decent rest we have from all the hard work is Unity Day. I always loved Unity days - back on the Ark they were always a big thing, though my family didn't exactly celebrate much. We'd just get together with our closest friends, allow ourselves to indulge a little bit more than usual, and we'd listen to old music and fool around and make jokes and laugh. Me and John, we always used to marathon old movies before he got locked up. I think we'd seen ''The Lord of the Rings'' a million times, to the point where we could speak the actual lines. I don't think he ever even liked it as much as I did; he mostly just watched it for me. It was our Unity Day ritual, until it all changed. The thought of this - the mere memory - makes my heart physically ache amidst all the celebration.
I'm happy to see everyone at camp having a good time, though - drinking, laughing, playing games. For one evening, the threat of Grounders seems to be buried under ground. Of course it actually looms above our heads, but everyone chooses to set it aside. For just one night.
I'm not in the greatest of moods. I miss my dad and I miss my mom and I miss our good ol' neighbor Mr Vooley and more than anything I miss our Unity Days and the way dad insisted on playing his Beatles records every year. I couldn't stand the Beatles, but I endured them when I had to, and I loved to tease my dad about them and fight him with all my might only to let him play them anyway. And I miss John. I miss John and our movie marathons though I'd already lost John before all of this. John Murphy died some time before he got locked up, and I'd lie if I said I haven't missed him ever since. It sucks. This Unity Day sucks, the way everyone is having a good time but nothing is actually okay and the way Jasper tries to get me to play this stupid game I couldn't care less for right now and the way Bellamy seems to not even care I've shut him out. I mean, what was I expecting anyway?
Well, I'm lying. Everyone's having a good time except me and Nathan Miller.
''I know about me but what's put you in that sour mood?'' I ask as I sit down next to him. He drinks some tea fresh off the fires. Not exactly party beverage.
''I don't wanna talk about it,'' Miller grumbles.
''I get it, Grumpy,'' I say, ''Trust me.''
''You?'' he asks.
''Unity Day,'' I shrug.
He nods, understanding I don't want to get into it. This is why I like Nathan Miller. If you need a break, he'll give you a damn break.
''Yo, it's on!'' someone calls for silence as the speech is about to start. Not all of us can watch the screen, but we can listen.
''My friends, this is a historic Unity Day,'' Chancellor Jaha starts, ''Every year, we mark the moment our ancestors of the twelve stations joined to form the Ark, but this is the last time we do so while aboard her. Next year, on the ground.''
''Right,'' Miller scoffs, ''After we did all the work. Someone shut him up.''
''You shut up, Miller,'' Raven retorts, ''No one's forcing you to watch.''
''For ninety-seven years, we have eked out an existence, hoping that someday our descendants would return to Earth. To our sons and daughters on Earth listening to this message, we will see you soon. The first Exodus ship will launch in under sixty hours, carrying you the reinforcements that you need, so stay strong. Help is on the way.''
''First good news since we got here,'' I say.
When Jaha is done, the same old ceremony starts, the same mini theater play and the same speech and the same customs that I don't have it in me to watch at all in this moment.
''Finn,'' I walk up to him with care - he's been talking to Clarke thus far, ''How you feelin'?''
''Like I was never stabbed at all,'' Finn offers a small smile.
''That's good. We need an able peacekeeper around here,'' I smile back, like I'm giving some misplaced apology. ''I'm sorry, Finn,'' I want to say, ''You have your faith, I have my gun. You're the bigger man and you can't hate me for that.'' Somehow, I think he understands, like he's privy to my thoughts. Or maybe it's the general Unity Day atmosphere, even though he doesn't even like Unity Day much. But I know that in this moment, he understands.
*
''What happened?!''
''It just went off!!''
''Can you fix it?!''
The transmission from the Ark is cut short abruptly. Raven and Monty try to fix it for about an hour until they give up, with the conclusion that the malfunction is on the Ark's side, not ours. It's not enough to worry just yet, but the thought of them not coming back online is enough to have panic rise within you. No one gives it much thought, though - everyone is back to celebrating soon enough, and Raven is back on making bullets.
''Well, this royally sucks,'' I say, to no one in particular, ''I need a drink.''
I grab some moonshine and bring some to Miller as well. ''You're definitely not gonna be the only rain on this parade,'' I explain. He opens his mouth to say something and argue, but instead decides to take the drink and gulp it down. It tastes like razors.
''What if the Grounders come and we're drunk?'' he asks me after a while.
''Well the two of us sober ain't gonna make a difference,'' I smirk, knowing that Bellamy's got basic security covered. Then I take another swing. God, I've needed this.
''Maybe you're underestimating the two of us,'' Miller offers a small smile before he takes another sip. I think he's already getting tipsy, but it's like I'm struck by lightning just to see him loosen up and joke around. This isn't our usual Grumpy, and it in turn completely disarms me as well. Maybe we do get to be kids again for just one day.
''Well, this one's for the history books,'' I think out loud, seeing him grin.
''What?'' he asks.
''Nothing,'' I say quickly, ''Just drink up.''
Bellamy looks at me from across the camp, and I hold eye-contact for the whole of two excruciating seconds, before I look away. The moonshine isn't helping the clarity of my thoughts and feelings either.
''T, get up,'' Jasper approaches us, ''I need you.''
''Jasper, for the last time, I'm not gonna play your stupid ass game-''
''It's not that,'' Jasper stops me, and though he still tries to keep it light, I don't miss the more serious undertone of his voice - that boy cannot pretend to save his life. ''Just come,'' he insists.
I consider it for a second, before I hand my mug over to Miller and follow Jasper after all.
''What in the world are you on this time?'' I ask.
''Finn set up a meeting with the Grounders,'' he speaks as we walk away from the celebration, almost shoulder to shoulder, ''Clarke's gonna talk to their leader, discuss peace as an option. We're back up.''
''Where did all of this come from?!'' I demand. Nobody's even entertained the idea before, let alone discussed it. And now we're meeting up with the Grounders to discuss peace? After torturing one of theirs and keeping him chained up for days? How was none of this ever discussed?!
''Just now,'' Jasper shrugs in reply. I'm incredulous.
''Why does no one in this God damn camp have any regard for anyone else when they decide to make a decision like this?'' I ask, but it sounds like a growl.
''Ask Finn,'' Jasper offers.
''I knew he wouldn't sit still!'' I almost shriek, ''Just casually watch Raven make bullets and pretend I'm not training to kill? Pretend Clarke isn't practically a lieutenant around here? Ugh, of course! He's been planning this.''
''Maybe it's a good thing, you know,'' says Jasper.
''It is a good thing. But that's beside the point. I don't think it's gonna work,'' I admit, ''And we might be walking into a trap here. Finn has way too much unfounded faith in the good in people. One day, it'll be the end of him, I swear.''
''Gear up,'' Bellamy throws guns at me and Raven the moment we get to the tent, ''They're already out there and we can't lose them.''
''What, they don't know we're coming with?!'' I ask.
''Clarke does. She'll leave a trail, which is why we need your trained eyes, just in case,'' Bellamy explains as he checks on his ammo, ''The Grounders demanded no weapons. We can't have that.''
Well, that I agree on. But I still feel like crap about doing this behind Finn's back.
We catch up with Finn and Clarke pretty quickly, though we keep a safe distance behind, staying silent and skulking in the shadows. The sun has come up, and getting spotted is much easier.
The meeting takes place on a bridge not far out, and I am only half-shocked to see Octavia there, waiting. I haven't seen much of her lately. Bellamy is visibly thrown aback, especially when the Grounder we had in custody runs up and hugs Octavia like she's the only thing that matters in the whole wide world. We all stare in awe at that particular act, hiding in the bushes below.
''I guess we know how he got away,'' Raven says, as though we really had any doubts. I wouldn't know what to say, though. What could you say to that right now, especially to Bellamy?
Then the Grounders come, leaving no room for these irrelevant thoughts anymore. Fear starts creeping up inside of me as soon as I see them break through the treeline on the other side, and even more so when I realize they're armed to their fucking teeth.
''Son of a bitch,'' I spit. ''Finn, you're so naive,'' I whisper to myself, in worry that he could very well regret this, and soon. I keep the fear from reaching my head and consuming me entirely, because so much could rest on that. I need my mind clear, and I need to be ready for whatever should come. I look to Bellamy. He looks ready to bite someone's head off.
We watch the exchange in silence. It doesn't look good. Raven comments that the ''grounder princess looked pissed''. Which she does. If her war paint doesn't terrify me, her open hostility toward Clarke does a very good job of it.
We're all jittery, nervous to the bone as we skulk in the bushes below. The riskier this is becoming, the more the adrenaline makes me restless. This is not the best state in which to hold a gun. This is one step away from trigger-happy. I let the rifle hang around my neck, removing my hands off it completely for a moment, and take a deep breath. Then I grip it again, palms a bit less sweaty. I focus and watch, trying to keep calm.
''Oh, no,'' Jasper suddenly says, in a tone of voice that I do not like at all, ''No, this is bad.''
''What is it?'' I ask nervously.
''What the hell are you talking about?'' Raven demands.
''There's Grounders in the trees,'' Jasper replies.
''What?!'' I hiss.
''Where? Are you sure?'' Raven looks through the scope anxiously, ''I don't see anything.''
I follow suit. The pumping of my own blood suddenly seems too loud as I look up and hope to find nothing. When I see what Jasper has seen, I stop breathing.
''They're gonna shoot!'' Jasper alarms, then starts screaming ''Clarke, run!!! RUN!!!''
We don't even have time to blink before he starts shooting. Instantly, it's all over - any hope that we had on avoiding conflict immediately squashed. And there isn't even any time to dwell on it. Instincts take charge.
Bellamy manages to shoot the Grounder leader in the arm just as I realize that she's about to stab Clarke. There's no time for relief, no time for anything. We shout for Finn and Clarke to fall back with us, and then we run like hell, like we've never run before, like our legs have a mind of their own. Arrows whistle past us, sometimes too close for comfort. We dare not stop - only Jasper has the unlikely courage to shoot back and take out some of them. The rest is blurry. All I know is that if I stop, I'm dead. I couldn't recall how we get back to camp; I couldn't recount the story. Everything happened so fast, and yet it seemed like it lasted an eternity, like we'd never get to camp, like it's on the other side of Earth. When they close the make-shift gate behind us, my hands start shaking violently.
''You got anything to say?!'' Clarke turns on Finn the moment we can finally breathe again.
''Yeah. I told you no guns!'' Finn argues.
''I told you we couldn't trust the Grounders!'' she fights back, ''I was right!''
''Why didn't you tell me what you were up to?'' Raven asks him.
''I tried, but you were too busy making bullets for your gun,'' he spits back.
''You're lucky she brought that! They came there to kill you, Finn,'' Bellamy stands up for her.
''You don't know that!'' Finn argues stubbornly.
''Yeah, we do know that!'' I growl, angry, ''Finn, everyone appreciates your intentions but you have to see the reality here! They think Clarke is our leader! Eliminate the leader and we're all weakened and dispersed. That's their play! That was their play all along!''
''Jasper fired the first shot!'' Finn fights back, ''You ruined everything!''
''I saved you!'' Jasper retorts, ''You're welcome!''
''Well, if we weren't at war already, we sure as hell are now,'' Clarke concludes.
''You didn't have to trust the Grounders. You just had to trust me,'' Finn says, ''Like I said, best Unity Day ever.''
Something akin to an explosion sounds through the air, tearing us away from our fight. Instinctively, we all look up. Something burns through the sky again, but this time we won't mistake it for a comet.
''The Exodus ship? Your mom's early,'' Bellamy says.
Excitement takes over me again, but my hoper are crushed way too soon. Something sinks in the pit of my stomach, and breathing becomes hard as we watch the Drop-Ship fall faster and faster until I realize that it's burning. It's burnt to a crisp. And it's speeding up still, and if anyone's somehow survived that fire, there is no way in hell anyone is surviving the impact that will ensue.
''Wait. Too fast. No parachute? Something's wrong,'' Clarke says, reading everyone's thoughts, arguing with herself, sounding so so naive. Of course it's wrong. It's all wrong.
The Drop-Ship hits the ground. A large cloud forms above where it's fallen and I know - we all know - that nothing could have survived that.
Clarke drops to her knees and cries. I can't. I can't breathe, let alone cry.
My parents.
My feet carry me on their own when I run off toward the crash site.