Washington Dc
I wanted to tell Lexa so many things, but I didn’t even know what I really wanted. The crowded room in my head continued to fill up more and more, causing confusion and headaches every day that followed.
I hadn’t stopped thinking about her, thinking about what had happened, the little that had happened that seemed so much in my head. I felt guilty for what I had told her, for hiding everything from Bellamy and with myself because I knew that there was something more that my body and my deepest thoughts wanted to tell me. Something that until that moment I had denied to myself, because it wasn’t "right" for too many reasons. For the first time that something was making its way inside me and I was okay with what it was, without thinking about it being right or wrong, without denying it to myself.
I had spent entire days thinking about everything, thinking about what I should have said to Bellamy, the boy who I was in love with despite what I was going through in that moment. I would have never stopped loving him, but maybe not in that way anymore, maybe that type of love was meant for someone else, but still I didn’t know it.
Days passed as if nothing had ever happened, as if she hadn’t left, but I could feel the emptiness she had left at home, her staying silent observing everything around her, the music she would listen to when she would take a shower after returning from the beach and the book she would read every night and that she always left on the couch.
When I thought about these little things for the very first time I realized that I couldn’t stay there any longer, I had to talk to her and tell her how I felt about everything.
I was starting to hate that house despite weeks had passed since she had left. Lincoln had heard from her only one time, just to be sure that she was all right and that she had got home safely. I hadn’t even replied to her text because I didn’t even know what to say.
-
Lincoln and Octavia were the first to wake up that day and were already at the beach waiting for us to join them.
Bellamy was awake beside me and was staring at the ceiling in silence, thinking that I was still sleeping on the other side of the bed, but he didn’t know that I had woke up when he was still snoring, hours before and had stayed in silence, with my heart beating so fast it almost hurt in the chest.
"Bells" I said softly, hoping he was back to sleep despite the fact that the sun was already high in the sky.
“Oh I thought you were still sleeping" he said and I could sense a smile forming on his face.
I sighed and turned to face him as he received me in his arms.
"Bellamy I can’t stay here" I blurted out.
“Only five more minutes, please” he said, not understanding what I was meaning.
"No, you don’t understand. I can’t stay here anymore. In this house” I just hoped for the best.
He raised himself slightly from the bed resting himself on one elbow while watching me still not understanding what I wanted to say.
“Has something happened? Something that I don’t know about?" he asked worried.
I couldn’t tell him the truth, what had really happened. Just knowing about the fact that I would have hurt him was already hurting me.
"I have to study for UNI and I can’t spend any other day doing the absolute nothing. I hadn’t thought about it when we left home” bullshit, but the words I had to say didn’t want to be pronounced.
His face relaxed immediately, I saw all the concern that had arisen in a few seconds in his head vanishing in the air in front of us.
"I think I should go home tonight with the first flight possible" I finally said.
“That’s fine by me babe, I will prepare the suitcase as soon as we get up" he went on not understanding that I would have been back by myself and that I would have not flighted home but to Washington Dc, to Lexa.
"No need for you to come with me, enjoy this last week of vacation before going back to work" I said, getting out of bed to get dressed.
"Are you sure about it?" he asked me.
“Yeah, don’t worry" I replied leaning in for a kiss.
As he continued to stare at the ceiling in silence I began to pull out of the closet all the clothes I would have put in the suitcase.
After more than half an hour, everything was ready and, after checking the flights, I had found one at 6 pm to Washington DC. Lexa was the only one from Lincoln’s family that had moved into the city.
Being 2 pm I quickly went to the beach to say goodbye to Octavia and Lincoln that looked like mummies in the sun and for a last swim in the ocean before returning to the burning heat of the city.
-
Convincing Bellamy to not take me to the airport was difficult but I made it and I boarded on the plane that would have took me to Lexa at 6 o’clock.
The flight was uneventful, but the unrelaxed one was me. My anxiety soared as I realized that I had landed in Washington Dc. Fortunately it was only 8 pm and she would have been surely at home.
I had to pay a lot for the taxi for just fifteen minutes of ride, but the money was the least of my worries in that moment.
As I arrived in front of her house I hesitated for a few minutes before ringing the bell. For more than thirty seconds no one answered and, thinking that maybe she hadn’t heard the bell, I rang again hoping she was at home. No one answered.
In that moment I felt incredibly defeated, all those kilometers for nothing, all the anxiety for what? I wondered where she was. Maybe on some kind of beach in the middle of nowhere with a glass of margarita in one hand.
I sat on the stairs in front of her door to think about it all. After almost an hour my eyes closed and I fell asleep with my head on the trolley.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" I heard a voice in my ears and I slowly opened my eyes. There she was, in front of me, only a few meters away, staring at me in disbelief.