Chris, Josh thinks, is like the sun, a radiant shining beacon that helps sustain life but you can never look at it too long; something too bright, too hot and sometimes, sometimes Josh wants to hide from the intensity in every glance Chris sends his way. He muses on the idea of Chris disappearing from his world, the sun vanishing from sight, evaporating into a tiny expanse of nothing and if it would ease the cold he feels inside him.
"You okay?"
Josh looks up, fingers sticky as melted ice cream slides down the cone in runny waves. Chris is already cleaning his hand before he realizes, a fond smile tugging on his lips. Josh blinks, insides melting from the gentle touch, mind hazy and he remembers they're at a amusement park.
Shrill cries of joy fill the air, sky thick with fluffy clouds that seem to blossom with laughter. They're sitting on a bench situated in front of a large pink and blue Ferris wheel, Chris bundled up beside him despite the temperature barely reaching 59.
"Sorry. I zoned out." Josh mumbles, cheeks tinting red.
"It's no big deal. Still want this?" He's holding a seriously neglected ice cream cone, still dripping. "You can eat mine."
"Oh." Josh feels guilty but Chris is smiling, all bright and perfect.
Chris hands him his own cone. Josh takes it wordlessly, eyes following the trail left behind from Chris' tongue. He eats the rest thoughtlessly, Chris' hand sliding into his. Josh can't remember why they came here, on this nice day. He wonders why they go anywhere sometimes when Josh just wants to lie in Chris' bed.
"Thanks." Josh tells him, munching on the cone.
"No big deal. Still wanna go on?" Chris is gesturing to the Ferris wheel.
"Yeah."
When he's done eating, Chris stands taking Josh with him and they're walking towards the Ferris wheel, shoulder to shoulder. Josh unlaces their fingers, sliding his hands into the pockets of his pullover- Chris' pullover. Chris bumps their shoulders together.
"Ashamed of your hot bf?"
"Ashamed of how damn clammy you make my hands."
Chris places a hand over his chest, eye lashes fluttering rapidly. "Bro, that's so sweet."
"Shut up, jackass."
But Josh is smiling so hard his face hurts and he wishes none of this felt like a chore, that being alive didn't feel like a burden that he has to talk himself into everyday. Chris had been great, was great, in every step of Josh's slow recovery in the world; he woke up early to make sure Josh took his medication, stayed up late when Josh had nightmares and would do nothing but cry for hours. Chris was there and Josh doesn't have anything to offer besides himself but maybe one day it won't be enough, maybe one day Josh won't want it to be enough.
Josh takes Chris' hand again as they stand in line, leaning into him as a child in front of them stares up in awe at his face. Sometimes Josh forgets he's as fucked up as he is. He flashes her a dull smile and she giggles before hiding in her mother's skirt. Josh catches her looking every so often until she disappears into the carriage with her family. The girl waves at him from the window so he waves back, unable to ignore the pleased look on Chris' face. She reminds him of Beth.
"You gonna make a wish when we reach the top?"
"As per Washington ritual." Josh smirks.
He remembers the first time Chris had come over, all snot faced and red cheeks, so happy to be invited anywhere with Josh. Josh remembers saying it was just a stupid amusement park but if he knew then what he knew now, he would've wished harder when they reached the top and maybe, maybe Beth and Hannah would've been the ones giggling behind them.
"Come on up. Watch your step." The park employee smiles at them, all straight teeth and sparkles. He pulls the carriage door, gesturing them inside. They sit across from one another, Josh chuckling at Chris' nervous expression.
"Still afraid of heights, Cochise?"
"Like you wouldn't believe." Chris chuckles, hands clutching the seat as the carriage begins to move.
"Want me to be a good boyfriend and sit with you?"
Chris doesn't even bother to comment on how sappy it sounds, nodding frantically and he's shifting farther away from the door, eying the window suspiciously. The carriage rocks when Josh moves and Chris looks ready to bolt.
Josh doesn't laugh.
"Real fucking sweetheart." Chris nudges him roughly when he sits down, face red. He holds Josh's hand tightly as they make the slow ascent to the sky. Josh watches every expression, how the horror shifts to wariness and finally to wonder when they reach the top. It's a look he's only seen a handful of times, a look that suggests Chris can't imagine being anywhere else but here. The same look he gave Josh when he stepped onto the patio after Malia called. The park stretches out before them, all pretty lights and sun and even that joyous laughter reaches them from up here.
Josh swallows thickly, thinking of how easy it'd be to fall out, to hit the pavement with a soundless crack. Chris turns to him, face full of adoration and Chris is the sun, so bright and beautiful it makes his heart ache.
Josh sometimes wishes he would disappear.
xx
It's Josh's first suicide attempt in a while, in six months if he's being honest. But this one he actually planned, figured out Chris' class schedule, actually planned and he was ready, ready to see that great white light and hopefully, his sisters, but Chris comes home an hour too early. Chris finds him in the tub with a bowl filled of pills and Chris is so, so angry and Josh hasn't heard him yell in so long.
He takes away the pills, fingers like fire, like coal and molting lava as he grabs Josh.
"Did you take any?"
Josh shakes his head, tears stinging his eyes, and he stares at the bowl that disappears from his sight, heart hammering in his chest and Chris is on the phone and he's yelling. Josh curls up on the bottom of the tub, hoping if maybe he squeezes tight enough, he'll explode.
He doesn't.
Instead he gets a long hospital visit and a new psychiatrist named Alphonse.
"Can I call you Alfie?"
They're in a bright room, windows tall with thick drapes and bookcases. Alphonse gives him a small smile.
"Of course, Joshua."
He's an older black gentleman with hair a fine shade of white. He dresses like someone who frequents funeral. Josh wonders if he'd go to his. It's the first psychiatrist that knows the full story and actually believes it, apparently it's not hard finding someone in psychiatry who has dealt with post exorcism survivors in the past.
"Your mother says you're living with Christopher, a childhood friend."
"He's my boyfriend." Josh folds his arms, staring down at the floor.
"It's nice to have someone." Alphonse tells him and Josh looks back up at him, back to that old wise smile.
"But he's not who you're missing, is he?"
Josh shakes his head, a soft scratch scratch on the clipboard ringing in his ears.
"Would you like to talk about them?"
Josh wants to be with them.
xx
He meets someone during his stay, a girl named Lexi. She's older than him by a few months with big orange hair that tangles at the ends. Josh doesn't ask her why she's here, she doesn't ask him why his face is messed up. But she loves the sounds his body makes, loves the purrs and chitters and fondly refers to him as her 'lovely parakeet'.
"Lexipedia, my favorite gal."
Lexi looks up from her book, it's A Clockwork Orange. Fitting. She smiles up at him, slow and kind of droopy. Her brown skin pale in the hospital light.
"Good evening, Mr. President."
"Pretty sure I don't have wooden teeth or the power to blow this place up." Josh sits in the chair beside her, reclining back. Old 50's music play overhead, a small group of people dancing in between tables.
"How was therapy?" She asks, thumb pressed down on the page she stopped at.
"I think I have a crush on my therapist."
"Oh my god, scandal. What ever will the people say, sir?" Lexi giggles.
"I'll say witches did it."
"That didn't go so well the last time. With all the hangings and children. Did you not read the crucible?!"
"What's that?" Josh jokes loving the heated flare to her expression. She notices his smile, blowing out an exasperated laugh.
"You dick. I thought I had to seriously educate you."
Josh smiles at her, crooked and easy and he wonders how such a lovely person can be here. Lexi curls up in her seat, book laying on her thigh and she's staring at him with big dark eyes.
"You haven't been sleeping."
Josh stares back, sighing softly. "I can't."
"Why? Bad dreams? Some hot girl you're worrying about?"
Josh hadn't even thought of Chris, of anyone besides Lexi and his sisters. Lexi reaches out to him, cold fingers caressing the scar on his face. Josh turns away.
"It's because of this." Lexi says, voice soft and timid. "What happened to you, Josh?"
Josh smirks. "You gonna tell me why you're in here?"
"Your last day." Lexi winks at him. "I will."
Josh believes her but he doesn't feel ready to talk about his exorcism or why he can't find reasons to wake up in the morning because all of them are buried in the ground, six feet under dirt and flowers and rotting.
"We have time." Lexi tells him, picking up her book back up. Josh dozes off to Ella Fitzgerald playing through the radio over head, Lexi's fingers coming through his hair like Hannah would, like his father does. Like Chris. Josh purrs, heart swelling and Lexi giggles beside him.
She feels almost like home.
xx
Josh gets prescribed a new medication, one that makes him feel numb and disoriented. He wakes up in his room, all white walls and empty, and then he's in the cafeteria with Lexi, listening to her talk about her kids and how the youngest one just turned 3.
"You okay, hun?"
Josh nods, tongue tingly. "I'm fine. How are you?"
"Missing my butterflies third birthday." She smiles, it doesn't reach her eyes. "You're too young for kids. But they're wonderful."
"You're like two months older than me."
Lexi makes a sour expression before her face splits into a wide smile. "Too young."
Josh tries to smile but his face hurts and everything hurts. Lexi leans forward, their faces only inches apart and Josh imagines kissing her, imagines somewhere else that isn't here, that isn't white walls and Ella Fitzgerald playing on the radio, somewhere with fields and flowers, somewhere with Lexi.
"Want to kiss me?"
"Please." Josh chitters in his throat.
Lexi giggles, placing at chaste kiss on the corner of his mouth. She smells like salt and the sea. Josh closes his eyes, wordlessly smiling and she giggles again.
"So cute. You're so smitten with me. My own personal song bird."
She's the first real person he's talked to in so long, aside from his friends. Someone who talks to him like he's not broken. It's like being trapped in a room and someone opens a window, only his window was through a bottle of pills.
"Are you ever sad that you haven't gotten any visitors?" Lexi asks him.
Chris hadn't visited. Josh didn't want him to.
"No. Are you?"
"No. I don't want any." Lexi tilts her head to the side, eyes studying him. "You look so lost, my little parakeet."
And he feels lost as if the wendigos and his second chance at life should've made things clearer, easier.
"Guess some things don't change."
"You have to change it then, darling. You can't keep going in circles. It's hard, finding things but sometimes you just have to change the things you can control. And if you don't like it. Change it back. Sometimes it's all so very easy."
Josh looks at her, actually lifts his head and stares as if she said something brilliant. He thinks of Chris, of the sun.
"But he loves me."
"Oh, baby." Her voice reminds him of his mother when he was younger, too kind and smooth. Josh forces himself to look away from her but she blurs into shades of red and he's back in his room and he doesn't remember moving.
His body feels heavy and weak, he bites his arm until it bleeds but he can't feel anything, can't feel the orderlies touching him, bandaging his arm up tight.
He sees a flicker of long, dark hair and he thinks of Hannah.
They change his prescription.
xx
Josh misses Chris, really, really misses Chris. He misses the way he smells, the dark thick aroma that reminds him of wood in summer, the heat of the desert. And for the first time in a month he wants Chris to be here with him because if Chris is the sun, Lexi is the moon, brilliant and hidden beneath layers of stars when the world is too bright. She's someone he'd tell Chris about, tell his best friend about. But they aren't best friends anymore; they're together, they're fucking, Chris is in love with him.
Josh loves him too. But it doesn't feel the same. It feels a lot like suffocating.
"Thinkin' about your boyfriend?" Lexi asks, limbs tangled with him as they sit together in a recliner. "You'll see him soon."
"In two days." Josh says and he reaches out to touch her coarse hair. It's soft like fine wool. Lexi smiles up at him.
"Be excited. You get out."
"I don't know if I want to."
Lexi snorts. "Things are hard in the real world. Harder than I've ever imagined but you have to try. Someone made that choice for you when you were born."
Josh laughs, nudging her. "I might hurt him."
"If he loves you. Hopefully he'll forgive you."
Josh doesn't want to think. "Why can't you leave?"
Lexi's smile falls, a quiet slip and she's staring ahead. A man places a knight in check from across the room.
"I've done bad things." She admits, leaning against him.
"Will you tell me?"
"Your last day." She says again. "You remind me of my son. Always so curious about other people."
xx
His last day ends, slow and easy like everyday he's ever had inside the walls of the sanitarium. He sees Lexi before he's discharged, finds her in her usual spot in the recliner in the corner of the room. Today's book is Frankenstein.
"I'm leaving."
Lexi looks up at him, face bright. "You are."
"You gotta tell me."
She tilts her head and nods, closing her book.
"I killed my children. Both of them." Lexi looks up at him, still smiling bright. "I saved them from this world. From this awful place. There's a heaven somewhere and I'll never see my boys again but at least they aren't here. Where it's hell. But it won't be hell for you, Josh. I've been praying and it feels like you'll be okay. My babies were sick, so small. I made a choice."
Josh stares at her, lips parting open and he can't find words. Lexi rises to her feet, closing the small distance between them and she kisses him. Her lips are soft, tasting like apple juice and pears.
"Why are you here, sweetheart?"
"A demon possessed me and I tried to kill myself."
"Oh my. How extraordinary. Figures for such a kind boy. Demons like them sweet."
"Surprised you weren't possessed then."
"I was a mother. It's the same thing."
Josh moves to respond but the orderlies are coming and Lexi is sitting back in her recliner. She points to her copy of Frankenstein, old and worn, and hands it to him.
"Think of me. A reminder of this place if you ever feel the need to die again. Look at this and remember that sometimes you can't escape after you've made a choice. Someone out there loves you, Josh. I can see it in how tight you hold yourself."
"Bye, Lexipedia." He takes the book from her hand
"My little parakeet."
Lexi's smile is blinding and it follows him home, back to the Washington's. To Chris.
xx
Chris doesn't see him. It was his own request, one that Bob readily agrees with and it makes Josh so angry he punches a hole in his wall. But he doesn't fight it, doesn't fight them; he takes his meds, thinks of the girl he left behind in the sanitarium, visits Alfie three times a week and watches old German noir movies for a month.
"Alphonse says you're improving."
Bob is on Josh's bed when he returns from his fifth viewing of Nosferatsu that day, the worn copy of Frankenstein in his hands. Josh snorts. Improving meant him being a general hot fucking mess and a lot of frustrated sobbing that Alphonse was surprisingly good at handling. Josh liked him a lot.
"Can I see Chris?" Josh stands in the doorway of his room, leaning heavily against the frame.
Bob looks up at him and Josh wonders if the dark circles mimic his own.
"Next week." Bob promises.
Josh nods, pressing his face into sharp angles of the wall.
"Will you tell me why?" Bob glances up at him, full of understanding.
Josh breathes through his nose. He blinks into nothingness, biting back tears as he tries to work through his guilt. They could have saved them, if they searched hard enough. But they didn't and he survived his sisters a second time.
"Josh."
Bob is in front of him, a large hand on his shoulder and there's a soft smile on his lips, this easy stretch of lips and Josh wishes they would blame him for his sister's death so maybe, maybe him hating himself would be easier and justified. But they don't; instead they love and coddle and hug and Josh feels so ungrateful that he doesn't want it, doesn't want what his sisters can never have.
Bob's arms wrap around him, Josh's small sobs muffled into his chest, and he holds him tightly whispering how it's not his fault and how much they love him.
Josh hates it.
xx
Chris picks him up a week later, looking the most exhausted Josh has ever seen him in their entire span of life together. They barely talk, aside from tactile 'byes' to the Washington's. Josh barely packs anything, Chris doesn't ask, just drives and the silence wraps around them like a heavy thick of fog.
Josh makes him pullover halfway to the apartment, hands moving with purpose and they're in the back seat of Chris' car again but this time it's Chris who traps him against the seat, laid out and wanting. Josh winces when Chris bites too hard, grip so tight it leaves bruises.
Josh doesn't tell him about Lexi.
xx
Josh tries not to think of Hannah and Beth so he gets a hobby reviewing movies on some random website with bad graphics. He makes Chris watch with him, jotting down notes and laughing at how bad the acting is sometimes.
Chris falls asleep most of the time, head in Josh's lap, tiny breaths pressing into the other's shirt.
"I fell asleep. Again." Chris mumbles grumpily when Josh wakes him.
"It was shitty anyways." Most of the Wrong Turn movies were but the first one held a soft spot in his heart, more likely because he and Hannah had fallen asleep to it on more than one occasion.
"When's you review due?" Chris yawns, stretching widely. His shoulder pops.
"Midnight." Josh tells him, rising from his seat, notebook in hand. He moves over to the TV, shutting the PS4 off wordlessly before pressing the power button on the TV. There's a soft shuffling noise behind him, followed by a small, tired sigh.
Josh smiles as he restacks DVDs. "Glasses get caught again?"
"Fucking sad how you know that without looking."
"First world problems." Josh turns to him, watching in amusement as Chris takes off his two layers of shirt to untangle his glasses from them. Small rolls crease in his stomach as he bends over, skin soft and supple. There are fading scars on his back, a raised set of teeth marks in his shoulder. Both from Josh, one more pleasant than the other.
"I can feel your stare. Stop. You know it makes you feel bad." Chris slides his t-shirt back on, the other shirt following. He turns to look at Josh, glasses on his face.
"Sorry."
Chris sighs, giving him a small smile. "It's fine. I'm not mad."
He disappears out of the living room into the adjacent door leading to the bedroom. Josh stumbles after him, swiping his notebook from the couch. Chris is in the closet, whistling a tune Josh recognizes from Kingdom Hearts.
"Wanna get take out?" Chris asks, poking his head out to look at Josh.
"Nah, dude. I want curry and I don't trust that place down the street."
Not that it wasn't an otherwise great experience, but halfway through when Josh realized what he was chewing on was a fatty, fleshy reminder of the two people who didn't come back from his first rescue attempt and otherwise not a piece of onion at all, he threw up, promptly, all over Chris' couch.
He bought Chris a new couch.
"So you want me to make curry? Me? A white boy?"
Josh rolls his eyes. "No, take me to the store. I'll make it."
"But-"
"Store!" Josh shouts, already in the foyer, tugging on his Vans. He grabs one of Chris' jackets from a hook, slipping it on easily. Chris joins him shortly after, miffed but otherwise smiling. Smiling and something else in his eyes Josh doesn't want to acknowledge.
Josh thinks of Lexi, someone so close to him in every way except physically. He doesn't know what he wants but the universe hands him Chris, hands him this burning sun and he doesn't know if he even wants it.
xx
Josh keeps a separate notebook that he titles 'LTL', it's a notebook full of letters he'll never send, letters to Lexi, mother of two, murderer. But despite her history, the gritty reality of who she is along with all the lovely, shinning rays of her personality, Josh writes her almost everyday working out his thoughts, his mind in tiny scribbles of cursive.
Chris catches him writing in it twice, eyebrows raised but he never asks, just moves on as if he knows what it's insides hold.
Josh writes her a final letter before sealing it in a package and storing it deep in his closet. He reads Frankenstein when Chris sleeps, steadily building up the courage to break away from the mold.
xx
"You're smothering me."
"I'm not, Josh. I'm just trying to-"
"No! Stop! Stop trying!" Josh shouts, startling both of them. His nostrils flare, fists clenched tight at his sides and all he can feel is fire in his palms as that awful cold feeling spreads through his ribs. Chris stands before him, one hand wrapped around Josh's red scarf, the other hesitant and he's stepping away from Josh like he's some frightened animal.
It pisses him off more.
"Just fucking stop, ok? Stop. Stop." When Chris moves Josh snarls at him, actually curls up and fucking snarls. Chris flinches back, eyes wide and hurt and Josh wants to drive his fingers into his eye sockets so he'll never have to see that expression again.
"I'm sorry. I... I don't know what I did." Chris whispers, shrinking into himself. "I'm not trying to suffocate you, Josh."
"Then lay off. I'm a grown man I can wake myself up and take my meds and do things without you being there 24/7." Josh huffs, snatching his scarf off and he throws it down.
"Josh-"
"Fucking- just stop. Please, Chris, stop talking."
Chris jaw clicks shut, a tiny audible sound. Josh marches into the bedroom through the living room, yanking off his shirt with more force than necessary. Chris was great, was amazing but it's been two weeks and he doesn't let Josh breathe, doesn't let him piss or eat without being in close proximity. It was driving Josh crazy.
"What should I tell, Ashley?"
Josh had forgotten about them visiting Sam and Ashley the minute Chris tried to wrap his scarf around his neck.
"I don't fucking care."
He sits on the edge of the bed, shirt twisted in his hands, back to Chris, and listens to the soft tap tap of Chris' thumb across the phone screen. Josh muses that Chris is telling them he's throwing a hissy fit and they won't be joining them.
"Go without me."
The tapping stops. "I don't want to. Josh, I haven't seen you in almost two months because you tried- We haven't hung out. You write and you watch movies."
"I've been here for two weeks." Josh retorts.
"You've been distancing yourself from me for two weeks."
Josh straightens, thoughts scattering as he processes Chris' words. He tries to analyze the last couple of weeks, but all he can see is him shifting away from Chris, him tucking his hands into his pockets, him waking up early so he doesn't have to talk. He doesn't know why he stayed.
"Will you take me home?"
There's a silence, so thick and heavy and Josh can count how many moments they've had like this in the past year on both hands.
"Anything you want."
Josh tugs his shirt back on, staring idly at the small wrinkles. "I need time."
"Okay."
Josh swallows, back still to Chris. "I don't want this right now. Any of this. I.. I don't want to be with you right now."
And the world tilts on its axis but it doesn't feel as free as Josh thought it'd be but Chris doesn't protest, doesn't ask why or fight. Instead he helps Josh gather everything and drives him home, quiet and Josh has never seen him quite so small.
"Thanks." Josh tells him when they're parked outside the Washington's. Chris nods, forcing a small smile on his face. He doesn't cry but his eyes are red and his cheeks are flushed. Chris doesn't look back, just drives; Josh standing on the bottom step of his porch, watching until the car disappears.
Josh listens to Ella Fitzgerald in his room.
xx
Sam teaches him how to drive again, for the third time in their lives. The first being the standard age for new drivers, the second being so he could drive stick to impress a girl at school and the third being now because his dad bought a 1980s Honda Civic hatchback that's navy and pristine and honestly Josh wants nothing more than to drive the little piece of shit.
They're in an old Goodwill parking lot near downtown, closer to Emily's apartment. Sam makes fun of him when he shifts improperly or shifts too soon and the car shuffles to a stop enough times that Josh has a headache.
"This is so funny."
"Ha.. Ha. Remember when you couldn't figure out how to ride a scooter."
Sam clams up, cheeks red. "I can't believe you remember that."
"Shut up and I won't." Josh smiles at her, too wide and too awful and she's laughing at him again as he shifts too late and the car kills. Josh slumps against the steering wheel.
"This blows." Josh moans.
Sam rests a hand on his arm and squeezes. "It's not so bad, Josh. I mean. At least your car is cool even if you don't know how to drive."
"Can't pick up chicks if I can't drive."
Sam falls quiet and Josh can feel the beginning of her questions. She bites the inside of her cheek.
"Can't pick up anyone if you can't drive."
Josh chuckles against the steering wheel, straightening up and he starts the car back up. They dick around for another hour until it all clicks and Josh actually remembers what being in the driver's seat felt like.
He drives around town until the sun sets low in the sky and Sam grows tired of his lack of Beastie Boys. Josh drives her back to his house, where her Volvo sits in the driveway.
"How is therapy? Chris said... You got a new therapist?" Sam inquires, chewing her bottom lip.
Josh tries not to think about Chris.
"I just have things to figure out."
Sam nods but she's frowning. "Josh-"
"Sam," Josh interrupts her. "Chris has wasted enough time on me. He's wasted half a year on me. His mentally unsound best friend."
"Josh, that's what people do. That's what you do when you love someone. Chris loves-"
"I don't want love. I don't want anything. I just.." Josh sighs, slouching in his seat. He stares out the window into the vast forest surrounding his home.
"I don't know what I want right now and I don't want Chris to waste anymore time on something that isn't there. It wouldn't be fair to him. He's my best friend, Sam. Was my best friend."
They sit in silence, car thrumming underneath them and Sam whistles out her nose when she breathes.
"What if he is what you want and you've lost him?"
Josh almost smiles. "It wouldn't be the first time."
xx
Josh hangs out with Sam more, without Ashley because he can only stand so much PDA that isn't Jess and Matt because honestly they were adorable without being sappy. Ashley made Sam a pile of goop. It was disgusting.
Emily invites him out on jogs so he drives to her apartment too early in the morning in sweats and one of his dad's pullovers. She doesn't talk about unnecessary things, in fact Emily doesn't talk nearly as much as she used, no bite in her words, no unnecessary faux confidence. Instead she oozed poise and grace as if the arrangement she had with Jess, Matt and Michael finally balanced her out.
"Fuck me I'm beat." Josh wheezes when they finish their fifth lap around the vast complex of the park near her apartment. It wasn't even a park, more of an industrialized slap of land that had hills and a swing set. Emily found it charming.
"This is what happens when you get sloppy."
"Fuck you. You're so mean." Josh falls into a patch of grass, ribs aching and he might throw up. He squeezes his eyes shut. Emily laughs above him. Her arm brushes against his and she's lying beside him.
"You gonna ask me about Chris to?"
"Nope." Emily emphasizes the end with a smack. "I was going to ask how your month away went."
Josh squints, vision blurred by various colors of the sky and he closes them again.
"Fine. Met a girl. I think I might have liked her."
"Was she as messed up as you?"
"Killed her kids."
Emily clicks her tongue. "You Washington's sure know how to pick 'em."
Josh chuckles softly. "She was hot."
"So is fire but I'm not sticking my hand inside any kind of flame."
Josh turns his head, eyes sliding open and Emily is staring at him, a bead of sweat sliding down the slope of her face.
"Sam told me. I think you're an idiot but I hope you find what you need."
Josh wants to tell her thank you but she's rising to her feet, arm outstretched to him with a manic smile curled along her face.
"Two more laps."
"Fuck."
Josh takes her hand.
xx
"You discontinued your relationship with Christopher?" Alphonse sits before him, posture straight with a leg folded over the other. There is no clipboard in his hand this time.
Josh tucks a leg underneath him. "Yeah."
Alphonse's mouth twitches. "This is a big decision, as I understand Chris has been a large part of your recovery. Based on the information you and your parents have given me."
"He was. I just... It all felt like too much at once. I kept getting angry with his help. I didn't want it."
"And you still don't want it?"
"No. Chris has done enough for me. I don't want a crutch. He'll be better. Without all my baggage." Josh thinks back to seeing Chris for the first time after he was released; the dark circles, pale lips, the low glimmer in his eyes as if everything was sucked away at once but someone stopped the vacuum before it could finish.
"Do you really think he'll be better off? Or is this you running?"
"From what?"
His answer is a raised eyebrow.
xx
Josh remembers parties, specifically high school parties that he'd throw or attend, smuggling bottles of liquor out of his father's selection in the basement. He remembers drinking with Chris behind the school dumpster in the summertime because Chris didn't want to go home, but he feels out of his element, music thumping loudly over head. It rings in his pulse, a dull buzzing in his ear and a cup is being shoved into his hands.
It was Matt's idea. It was Matt's party, well his team's party but half their college was crammed into the fraternity house near the stadium. Josh lost Jess halfway into the crowd until someone he vaguely remembers from high school clasps him on the back and he's drinking. No one cares about the scar on his face, no one can hear the noises his body makes that aren't human and it's never felt so good to finally blend.
Josh wonders if Chris is here, somewhere hidden in the mass of bulging bodies and whisky. He wills his mind away, focusing on a curvy redhead that makes her way to him. Her clothes are tight, revealing light traces of pink lace with a half smile that has Josh following her deeper into the crowd. She presses against him, all dimples and grey eyes, swaying to the beat and grinding against him until he matches her movements, vodka singing through his veins along with whatever is in the cup handed to him.
It tastes like rum but she tastes like nectarines and Josh has her against the bathroom wall, dress bunched up her waist and he's sliding off her silk panties. She doesn't curse like Chris does when he drops to his knees, but she hikes a leg over his shoulders, hands in his hair and calls him God, which is close enough.
Josh catches a glimpse of Chris as he leaves the bathroom, zipping up his jeans, mouth tasting like someone else and he knows when Sam notices him because her eyebrows are raising and she's frowning and Chris is turning towards him. But he disappears before their eyes ever meet, vanishing into the crowd until he bumps into a guy who vaguely looks like Mike just more Urban Outfitters than Hollister.
Josh let's him blow him on the balcony, feeling a little light headed and powerful. His high comes crashing down when he comes in the guys mouth and leaves without so much of a 'thanks'.
He catches Chris' eye as he exits the party and pretends he doesn't see that shimmering pang of hurt.
xx
Ashley corners him downtown at a bookstore she finds him in. She's furious, mouth pinched up and Josh almost asks her what she's so pissed about when she punches him in the arm.
"What is your deal?" Ashley asks, her voice a strained whisper.
Josh rubs his arm, frowning. He notices people in another aisle starring so he gestures her into the next row of books. Ashley storms after him, arms crossed and pissed, left eyebrow twitching.
"What are you talking about? I'm in a bookstore. With books."
"We all saw you at that party, asshole."
Josh moves to retort but the words die on his tongue and he rubs the side of his arm, chewing the inside of his cheek.
"Two people. Seriously, Josh? Did you think he wouldn't be there? Matt is his friend too." Ashley whisper-shouts.
"It's not a big deal. We aren't together." But even Josh can taste how awful his words feel, how they shake his insides and his spine curls until he's holding himself. Ashley's expression softens and she unfolds her arms.
"What is going on?"
"Testing the waters doesn't seem like a suitable answer."
Ashley punches him again. "It's not."
Her punches hurt. "I'm just trying to live, Ash. He should too. It's better this way."
Ashley fumes, the ends of her hair flaring and she punches him harder this time, teeth clenched and she's trying not to yell. Josh watches the struggle until it dies in her throat. Ashley rubs her temples with the tips of her fingers.
"You're such an asshole. You broke up with a wonderful guy to beat around the bush."
"People do that. It's not that big a deal."
"Except it is, Josh." Ashley snaps. "It's a big fucking deal when he's sacrificed a lot for you this year."
It's Josh turn to be angry, bristling and he's glaring at her, the hairs on his arms rising.
"What so I owe him my life because he put his on hold for me? I don't deserve to make choices I think will benefit me because he's not involved? People grow apart, Ashley, it fucking happens."
"But you didn't grow apart. You ran away. Ran like a frightened rabbit. Like you always do." Ashley jabs an accusing finger at him. "It's what you've done to him all your life and when he finally moves on, finally finds something new, you want your old toy back. You can't do that with people, Josh. You fucking can't."
"You stole him. You stole him and now you don't want him? Because suddenly you want to think and have options and fuck everyone you meet, which is fine. If you weren't such a goddamn coward." Ashley spits, frazzled and angry and she reminds Josh of a firecracker. "Chris loves you. The least you can do is not conjure up some bullshit reason not to love him back."
And she's gone as fast as she crowded into Josh's space. Ashley is gone from his sight, the ting click of her boots on the hardwood floor fading farther away from him.
Josh slumps against the book shelf he's standing beside, tugging his beanie off his head. He blinks back tears.
"Fuck."
xx
Josh sees Chris again on the sidewalk. He's leaving one of the pizza places downtown that actually makes vegan pizza, the cardboard box in one hand as he holds the door open for a girl heading inside. She nods her thanks and Josh sees him across the street, coffee in hand with a girl Josh has never seen before.
They're walking side by side, both in ridiculous sweaters that compliment one another visually and Chris looks better, a lot better. He's less pale, hair a bit shorter but he's laughing with the woman he's with, head thrown back as they walk. Her mouth moves rapidly, hands shaping wild gestures and they're moving farther and farther away from Josh.
"Excuse me." A woman circles him, giving an apologetic smile as she jogs by. He steps out of her way, tilting his head and when he looks again, Chris is gone.
xx
"Is that cold feeling gone?" Alphonse asks him, poised perfectly in his seat.
Josh shakes his head. "No."
"Have you thought about your sisters?"
"Not as much." Josh admits, zipping and unzipping his hoodie. "Hannah would be calling me an idiot. Everyone is."
"Why?" Alphonse's voice is patient.
"Because of Chris."
"Because of your break up? Or because of the reason?"
Josh slumps down in his seat, leg straightening against the marble floor and he feels miserable, has for the past four weeks.
"Because of the reason."
"Is it still worth it?"
Josh wasn't sure.
xx
Josh sends the letters to Lexi after he has a panic attack at Jess'. She sends him one letter.
Your letters warm me. I imagine if Frankenstein returned to the city he'd be welcome with axes but you aren't Frankenstein, my little parakeet. Suns die. But you always remember they were there.
Josh hides it in the cover of her book, crying in the front seat of his car.
xx
"You're fidgeting."
Bob gives him a slow smile, still moving and Josh wants to tell him it's distracting but instead he shoves a mouthful of popcorn in his face.
"And you're doing what your mother does. Procrastinating."
Josh scoffs, tossing popcorn at his computer screen. The image of his father pixelates but he can still make out the annoying smirk. He hadn't seen his father since his discharge, the older Washington dragged down to Acapulco to shoot a traditional creature feature. Josh found the idea hilarious. His father in shorts and a polo.
"How's Mexico?"
"Hot, very sunny. I miss the cold." Bob tells him. Josh can make out the set behind him, a man in a red mask skittering past. "Did you read the script I sent you?"
Josh holds up the printed stack beside him, working on another mouthful of popcorn. Some spills on his bed. "Right 'ere. I'll read it tonight."
"Good. Have you done what we talked about?"
Josh shakes his head, brow furrowing at the change in subject. He didn't want to talk about Chris. Or anything personal. He just wanted to make fun of his dad and his dumb polo.
"Josh. You've had a rough three years." Bob begins, leaning against his keyboard. "You've survived things I know you wish you didn't. But, son, your sisters would have my neck if I didn't tell you that it's okay to move on, to be happy. They would agree. Beth would give you the push while Hannah cheered in the background. Think about how hard they worked for you, how much they loved you. We all love you, Josh. You deserve to be happy."
Josh wipes his face, streaks smearing along his cheeks and he rolls his eyes.
"You're being a sap." Josh jokes, throat dry.
"It's okay to be a sap sometimes."
Bob let's Josh watch them film from his webcam, jotting down notes when Josh criticizes a certain direction or action afterwards.
"Thanks, bud. You should get back into it. I know film misses you as much as you miss it. No pressure though. Gotta go, kiddo. See you soon okay?"
Josh watches the black screen long after his father signs off.
xx
Josh shows up on Chris' doorstep, dressed in what his mother calls 'chain smoker attire' and it's not that he has a leather jacket or a choker but he's dressed in different shades of black and maybe his pants are a bit too tight but chain smoking really. Josh worries his bottom lip, fidgeting where he stands and he considers walking back to his car.
He knocks on the door before he can stop himself. There is no immediate answer so Josh almost leaves, almost turns around to go him when he hears the jingle of the lock sliding. The doorknob turns, door opening revealing a very sleepy, very disheveled Chris. He's in jeans and his anime pullover, socks mismatched.
"Dude, I didn't mean to wake you. I can come back." Josh states, checking his phone for the time. He winces when he realizes it's 8 in the morning. His run with Emily left him enough adrenaline to make the trip without backing out. Chris shakes his head, yawning into his elbow and he's stepping aside.
Josh enters slowly, the door closing behind him. Chris' apartment is clean, really clean, sparkly and smelling exactly like the inside of a Lysol bottle.
"What's up, man? Was watching a movie." Chris is moving towards the living room, a young woman driving a car too fast appears on the television before she crashes into a cornfield. Josh recognizes it from It Follows. He wanders into the living room, taking in the pristine condition.
"You havin' a girl over." Josh jokes but his heart is pounding in his chest. Chris sinks down on his couch, yawning with a head shake.
"Ashley came over. We talked."
Josh nods. "Yeah she kinda kicked my ass last week."
Chris rubs the bridge of his nose. "I told her to stay out of it."
An uneasy silence passes and Chris appears far more alert than before. He looks up at Josh, apprehensive. "What's up, man?"
Josh shrugs nervously. "Guess I wanted to talk."
"About what?" Chris asks, jaw tense.
"Us." Josh swallows, pulse thundering in his ears and he watches Chris sit back, processing over what he's said, more than likely over analyzing the word over and over.
"Ok" is all Chris says, moving over on the couch until he's leaned against the arm. Josh walks over, sitting in the opposite corner. He presses into the couch, bringing his knees up to his chest.
They watch the movie playing for a few minutes, the ambient noise loud between them.
"I made a mistake." Josh doesn't look at him, eyes trained on the screen. The heroine is banging on her window and screaming.
"I was wrong. About a lot of things, about us. I felt like a burden, like I didn't deserve to enjoy being alive and doing things. That maybe I didn't deserve you and I still think I don't but..." Josh pauses, eyes flickering to the floor. "I've hurt you a lot this past month. I don't know how you've put up with me so long. But I'm here now. For what it's worth. I'm here...."
Josh has more to say, more to tell but his jaw won't work and he's stuck in perpetual silence, mulling over his words like a freight train into a car. Chris doesn't say anything but there's a dip in the couch as he moves and Josh barely has time to blink before Chris has a hand around his throat and they're kissing.
Josh's hands clutch at Chris' pullover immediately, tongue sliding inside the other's mouth and Chris groans against him, shoving him hard against the arm of the couch.
"You're a fucking asshole." Chris seethes, straightening to pull the garment off. His shirt drags up his chest with it, exposing his stomach. Josh tilts forward, running a hand along the skin and Chris shivers, tossing the pullover to the floor.
"I saw you. Twice." Chris bites into Josh's shoulder, hands sliding along his thighs until the reach the waistband of his jeans.
"Dude, don't-"
Josh hears the button snap, bouncing off into a corner of the room and he wants to say something, wants to respond but Chris' mouth is against his, teeth and tongue and its so familiar. Chris isn't soft like Lexi, doesn't taste like tangerines; they're dry, chapped rough pieces that drag along Josh's skin like a welcome home card.
"I fucking saw you, Josh." Chris breathes, yanking Josh down on the couch until his back is pressed into the seat. He looks angry, looks heartbroken and pissed but his eyes swell with so much longing and adoration Josh wants to cry. Everything is a blur, cold pads of fingers dipping into his pants and Josh might actually be crying.
"I saw you take her into the bathroom and we could hear you, we could fucking- goddamnit it, Josh." Chris crumples over him, eyes squeezed tight and he has Josh's shirt bunched up in a fist. His shoulders tremble slightly. Josh has only see Chris cry a handful of times. At his mother's funeral, when the class goldfish died and now crouched over Josh, expression so broken Josh thinks he'll snap.
"I love you." He whispers softly. "I love you so much. So fucking much Josh. I want to actually fight you. Physically. You fucking dick."
Josh leans up on his elbows, wiping away the tears he can reach, sliding his hand along Chris' face. He brushes his lips against Chris', a pleased rumbling in his chest when Chris closes the gap, mouth insisting and smoldering and Josh is whining when Chris holds him down on the couch, wedged between his legs.
"I hate you so much." Chris works Josh's shirt off, throwing it to the floor before latching his mouth onto Josh's collarbone. The marks he leaves are deep, ugly, pulsing reddish bruises ones that match the ones he leaves along Josh's stomach and hip bone.
Chris tugs Josh's jeans off in one movement, grip scalding against his skin and he leans in, more teeth than lip. The small static noises are back, Josh rolling his hips up with an experimental thrust that has Chris cursing, has Chris holding him down tightly.
"Take this off." Josh pushes at the shirt the other's wearing and Chris sits up, pulling it off with more grace that necessary. He sits back on his heels, hooking a finger in the elastic of Josh's boxers and pulls.
--
"Want to see whose better at blowing you? Me or that guy?" Chris asks but he's already settling between his legs, one arm hooked underneath his knee and he swallows him down, a hand keeping Josh pressed into the couch. Josh almost cries, the heat from Chris' mouth too much but it's so so good. His gaze locks on Chris, whose staring back him, eyes narrow and dark.
"Fuck fuck." Josh bites down on his lip, whistling in the corner of his mouth as Chris wraps a hand around the base of his dick, fingers tight and lips sliding up to the head. He gives a hard suck, eyes never leaving Josh's face and Josh nearly weeps. He tenses up, the budding pressure in his stomach expanding and about to come when Chris pulls away with a soft pop. Josh does not groan, he does not whine except he does, all high and needy and Chris chuckles breathlessly above him.
"You're a fucking mess, bro."
Josh takes in Chris' messy hair, the red tint to his skin but doesn't comment because he's probably way worse.
"You're an asshole."
Chris hums in response. "Turn around, you crybaby."
Josh rolls his eyes, moving to obey. He slumps against the arm of the couch, one arm dangling over the side and Chris is pressed to his back almost instantly, bodies flushed together. "You gonna fuck me over the couch?"
"That's exactly right." Chris responds, face in the crook of Josh's neck, a hand sliding over his ass and he almost jumps at the cold feeling sliding down his legs.
"Dude, where did you even-"
Chris slips a finger in, Josh gasping at the sudden intrusion. His face is angled back, turning to the side and Chris is kissing him, slow and inviting. Josh's lip part, back arching when Chris adds another finger.
"Did you? Ya know..?"
Chris raises an eyebrow at him, eyes dark, fingers scissoring Josh's insides and then the question clicks in place.
"I could've. But I figured you'd come back."
"How- ha." Josh clasps a hand over his mouth, an embarrassing moan almost slipping out when Chris adds another finger.
"People seem to think I'm hot." Chris muses, unbothered despite his raging hard on that keeps pressing against his jeans. "I could have been fucking her on this couch."
Josh bristles, eyes narrowing and he hisses without realizing it. Chris chuckles, pushing on his shoulder until he's nearly bent over the couch.
"No? You're the only one who can have other people while we took an unnecessary break?" Josh can practically feel Chris' smirk and his cheeks heat up.
"That's not what I meant." Josh mumbles miserably, rubbing his face tiredly.
Chris lines up behind him, his patience startling and terrifying and Josh makes a sharp clicking noise in the back of his throat.
"I met a girl at the hospital."
Chris' has a hand his hips, heat pulsing through his palms and Josh bites his knuckle to keep from swearing when the fingers slide out, leaving him empty and wanting.
"Did you now?" Chris doesn't sound worried, more so relaxed, at peace as if he expected this entire outcome.
"Her name was Lexi. She said she could feel that someone loved me."
"Someone does." Chris whispers in his ear, suddenly real, real close and he's pushing his dick inside. Its so hot, Josh feels like his organs are melting; hips flushed against his ass. He scrambles for purchase against the couch, face only pressing deeper into the arm as Chris stills behind him.
"Oh my god, please." Josh whimpers, hips held tightly by firm hands.
"Please what, Joshy boy?"
Josh wants to rip his throat out because of how smug he sounds. He moves to respond, to speak but it comes out in breathy, inhuman whines. Josh knocks his head against the arm of the couch, whimpering; feeling too full and too hot and if Chris doesn't move he might have a heart attack.
Chris shifts forward, a slight rock in hips that has Josh moaning in desperation. Chris grabs one of his arms, twisting it behind Josh's back and he rocks forward again.
Josh bites at the couch, fabric tearing and imagines it's Chris' jugular. Chris chuckles above him.
"You're like a dog, bro."
"If you call me a bitch in heat I fucking swear."
"Noted."
And he's moving, a slow tortuous pace that has Josh writhing, mouthing inaudible words into the couch. He's drooling, fucking drooling but he can't stop, relishing in the lazy, long strokes stretching through him.
"You droolin', baby?"
Josh squeezes his eyes shut, skin radiating with each movement. He knows the loud buzzing in his ear is him and it's embarrassing how worked up Chris manages to get him.
"You miss this?" Chris kisses the back of his shoulder, angling just right and Josh wants to sob in relief when the pace picks up.
"Yes." Josh wheezes, muffled by leather. "Yes, please. Fuck, fuck a duck, Chris."
"Rather be fucking you." Chris slides out in one fluid motion, leaving Josh empty and cold and he chitters quietly in the back of his throat. He's flipped on his back, Chris bent over him, mouth closing over his as he slips back inside. Josh wraps his arms around Chris' shoulder, holding him close.
"Crying from how bad you wanna come?"
"You're a fucking dick and I'm in love with you."
Chris smiles, small, knowing and perfect, thrusting into him easily. It's so much different than the car, than the other times; different from the other people he's been with over the past month. Josh watches, watches the way Chris' shoulders tense, the bend in his stomach as he moves and he's so incredibly stunning Josh realizes he's been an idiot for 12 years.
Chris falls to pieces in front of him, hips snapping and his gaze focus in on Josh, startling blue zeroing in and he's wrapping a hand around Josh's dick, who comes with barely one stroke. A smile stretches across Chris' face and Josh groans, hiding his face in his hands as his orgasm trembles through him. Chris grabs his wrist, thrusts stuttering and he's pulling Josh's hand away from his face, kissing him hard when he comes.
--
"Never had someone cry after sex." Chris jokes.
"Fuck you, asshole." Josh sniffles, wiping his face furiously. "You're such a dick. A big, snot nosed fucking dick."
"I love you." Chris laughs and they're kissing again, Chris still balls deep inside him.
"I fucking hate you."
Chris helps him clean up after, laughing too loud at the bitten up arm on the couch. Josh punches him, hard and curses when Chris only doubles over in laughter in response.
"I almost didn't wait for you." Chris tells him from the couch, still shirtless, as Josh tugs his jeans back on. "I thought, this fucking dumb ass is really going to move on. I was pissed. I might've kissed a girl, might've felt her up but all I could think of was you and how much I hated you."
"Kinda what I was going for." Josh pulls on his shirt.
"You done being a jackass?"
Josh joins him on the couch, wedging his head under Chris' arm. Chris rolls his eyes but let's Josh tuck himself into his side, carding his fingers through his hair.
"I'm done."
"I love you."
Josh feels his face heat up and he looks up at Chris and that cold feeling is back, bubbling in the pit of his stomach and he realizes it's butterflies and sappy emotions he doesn't want to express. Chris smirks and Josh punches him weakly in the gut.
"Fucking dick."
"Whatever you say, Joshy boy."