Chapter 4
Louis wasn’t being dramatic when he said that his life couldn’t be worse than it was currently. He wasn't. He woke up soaking wet, having to drunkenly stumble into Alberto’s room and try to explain what happened while sobbing. He threw up everything in his body, including all of his vital organs... or at least that's what it felt like. He couldn’t help but feel like it was karma for making such stupid decisions last night.
As he lay in bed, unable to fall asleep again, he wished for time to pass quickly. In an hour they’d be leaving for the airport, and he’d be on his way home. An eleven and a half hour flight and he’d finally be alone, able to figure out what on earth he was going to do without embarrassing himself in front of anyone any further.
There was a quick knock on his door before it opened, Alberto letting himself in with a plastic shopping bag. He walked in with a strange look on his face, taking a seat beside Louis on the bed.
“How are you feeling, bud?”
“I don’t think I could feel any worse. I don’t even remember what happened, I think that’s the worst part.”
“On the up side, you didn’t do anything too embarrassing, so don’t worry about that. I know you don’t want to hear this from me, but trust that I’m just looking out for you. I always am. You had a bit of an accident while we were out, Harry told me about it when we got you to the car.”
Louis slapped his hands to his face, covering his eyes and letting out a groan. He couldn’t be more embarrassed if he tried, this was the worst possible thing that could happen. He felt a hand rubbing his shoulders soothingly, but he didn’t have the heart to look at Alberto.
Taking his silence as a cue to go on, Alberto continued, feeling a bit uncomfortable with what he was about to say. “We have a really long plane ride home, as we both know, and I don’t want you to be embarrassed any further. Harry and I are the only ones who know anything, I promise. And I wouldn’t worry too much about Harry, he probably just thinks it was a drunk loss of control. But I went to the store and bought you some protection, just in case. No one will know you’re wearing it, Lou. It’s just to save you the potential embarrassment if anything were to happen.”
Louis ripped his hands off his face, sputtering. “I-I’m not a baby! I don’t need protection. I’m a big boy, I can go to the bathroom all by myself.”
Alberto tried not to chuckle at the boy, the way he was throwing a toddler-esque tantrum while trying to persuade the guard that he wasn’t a baby.
“I know, Louis, I never said you were. Both you and I know that you’ve been having accidents, and you don’t want to have one on the plane. I assume that they’ve been happening more than the past few days, it’s okay. You’re under a lot of stress and I just want to be there to help you as best I can.”
Louis sat looking down at his knees, mulling over what he could do. Alberto was right. The accidents had been happening for weeks now, starting with a little leakage and now having full blown accidents, both asleep and awake. He would never live it down if one of his bandmates found out, let alone members of their crew.
“Fine.”
Alberto wordlessly handed over the bag, Louis grabbing it along with a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt before stalking into the bathroom. He opened the bag and stared at the purchase.
One could find adult sized diapers in every store on the planet along with collars, leashes, human sized dog bowls, everything one would need for their classification. There were classification-specific stores as well, making it easier for doms and subs to find what they were looking for. There was a p-dom/l-sub store near Louis’ home back in London, Baby Baby, but he’d never gone in. He could admit to going on there website once… maybe twice, but heading in there was too much for him.
Alberto had bought him a pack of what seemed to be pull-ups that were decorated with the characters from Inside Out. Louis let out a small laugh when he saw that, his bodyguard knowing how many times Louis had gone to the theatre to see it, ultimately begging his movie industry contacts to get him an early copy of the DVD.
He ripped open the plastic package, the noise sounding too loud in such a quiet room. He grabbed for one of the undergarments, feeling the plush thickness of it between his fingers. It was thin enough that it wouldn’t be noticed under his sweats, but thick enough to help him if he had an accident, God forbid. His entire body was burning with embarrassment, unable to understand how his life had gotten to this point, why he was handed the cards he was in life.
You can do this, no one’s going to know besides Alberto, Louis thought to himself. He grabbed his pajama bottoms and pants and slid them down his body slowly, wanting to draw this out as long as possible. He looked at the pull-ups, seeing the face of Fear from the movie all over the front panel of them. It was irony at its best, because Louis couldn’t differentiate himself much from the anxiety-ridden character of the movie. He stepped into them, pulling them up his waist quickly. He wasn’t sure how he expected to feel, but he was sure he didn’t think he’d feel the sense of relief that he got. He felt comfortable in the snug fitting diaper, more-so than he’d ever admit to anyone.
He pulled on his pair of sweatpants and sweatshirt, looking at himself from every angle to make sure that it wasn’t obvious what he was wearing. And it wasn’t, there was no way to tell. Based on what the packaging said, these were made for littles in the workforce, people who didn’t want their incontinence to be noticed by their colleagues. And they worked, there was no way that anyone could tell what Louis was wearing.
He grabbed the almost full package of pull-ups and his dirty clothes before heading out, blushing when he saw Alberto was still sitting there. Louis shoved the package off to him, busying himself by zipping up his suitcase and standing it up.
“We don’t have to talk about this any more, promise. But I’ll put some in my carry on in case you need a change. We’re leaving in five, so let’s head downstairs.” Alberto said, standing up and giving Louis’ forearm a squeeze.
His bandmates were already waiting in an escalade downstairs, Louis hopping in when the driver took his suitcase. The four of them looked at him, Harry with worry in his eyes, the others with guilt.
“Lou, we’re sorry for leaving you last night. We just got caught up in the night and that was that. I figured, a gad doesn’t need our smothering, though, does he?” Niall said, reaching over Harry to punch his eldest bandmate in the arm. Harry let out a cough at the end of Niall’s apology, and Louis smiled as best he could, waving his bandmates’ apologies off.
Of all people in their entourage, he ended up sitting next to Harry on the plane. Even though it was a private plane, they had to rent out a commercial sized jet to fit everyone in their crew on it. The boys and their security were where first class normally was seated, and the rest of the crew was at the back of the plane. He refused to look at Harry, feeling shy around him in a way that he hadn’t since they were first put together in the band.
“Lou?” Harry says, wanting to get the smaller man’s attention. Even after his conversation with Nick, he was still worried about his bandmate. He wanted to make sure he was okay after last night. It was in his nature, always needing to make sure that everyone was okay, but he cared about Louis on a level deeper than that. He didn’t allow himself to think about how much he cared for the boy often, knowing that it would just make him terribly sad thinking of what could never be.
“Yeah?” Louis said in a small voice, still looking down at his twisting fingers.
“I just wanted to make sure you were okay after last night, I was worried about you,” Harry said honestly.
Louis nods, “yeah, I’m good, H. ‘M not really sure what happened, but Albs told me you helped me. So thank you.”
“I’ll always help you, Lou. Anything you need, any time you need it.” Harry couldn't even let himself worry that he'd let on that he knew about Louis' situation, he truly just wanted the man to know that he had his back. Louis gave him a small smile before closing his eyes. Planes scared him a great deal, and he always tried to sleep through as much of their plane rides as he could. He fell asleep almost instantly, overtired from staying out so late the night before.
Harry sat there thinking about the previous night, unable to get it out of his mind when Louis was sitting so closely to him. The pilot came over the loudspeaker, asking everyone to make sure they were buckled in. Before Harry buckled himself, he looked to make sure Louis had done up his seatbelt. He saw it twisted up under Louis’ leg, and reached to grab it without waking him. Harry grabbed it as gently as possible, hands stilling when he heard a minute crinkling noise from where his fingers were grabbing near Louis’ bum. He looked to make sure Louis hadn’t woken up before lightly touching again, his suspicions confirmed. He sucked in a sharp breath as he realized that Louis was wearing a diaper, selfishly thinking that his suspicions were right. He made sure to buckle the boy and himself in before returning to his thoughts as he heard the rumble of the engine begin.
As he gave himself a second to collect his thoughts, he realized that he was jumping to conclusions far too quickly, something that was very unlike him. He prided himself on his rational thought, so he needed to think rationally. It could have been his sweatpants; there was no way of knowing what was truly hidden under Louis’ sweats unless Louis wanted him to know. He needed to talk to Nick, but he would have to wait until he was home for that. He knew that he could text him on the in flight wifi, but this was a conversation better had in person.
He allowed himself to think about Nick, smiling at the thought of his boyfriend. He remembered when he first met him at age 15, just starting out on the Xfactor. Nick started out the band’s interview by teasing him for being so young in his usual sarcastic fashion, but was seemingly shut up by Harry’s maturity. Harry had always been wise beyond his years; it was a part of being a d-dom, his mum told him. He and Nick started dating when he was 16, and four years later they were still together. Nick was the stability to Harry’s impulsivity, the calm to Harry’s excitement. They fit together perfectly.
Harry couldn’t wait to be back home with him, to finally have some time to themselves. They only had a week off until tour rehearsals began, but at least he’d be home for that. He grabbed his book out of his carry on and allowed himself to read for a few hours. Maybe it was the dad in him, but he could read without stopping for an eternity without getting bored. He got a good seven hours of reading his ridiculously long book in beforee was knocked out of his concentration when he heard a gasp beside him, Louis now awake and ghostly pale. Harry pretended that nothing was out of the ordinary, continuing to read. If he was on the right track, then he didn’t want to alert Louis to his knowing. The last thing that he wanted to do was embarrass Louis, there had to be a reason that he was keeping his maybe classification a secret.
Louis unbuckled his seatbelt, getting up from his seat slowly before moving to the back of the section of the plane. Harry watched as inconspicuously as possible, but no one seemed to notice as his gaze followed Louis, caught up in whatever they were doing. He walked up to Alberto, whispering in his ear as the man nodded. The bodyguard stood up with his backpack, and lead the way to the bathroom.
Louis was mortified to realize that he’d gone to the bathroom in his sleep, not being quite able to feel relief at having gone in a pull-up instead of all over the seat. He would have rather not gone at all, because now he had to get up and tell Alberto that he needed to change.
He walked back to where the man was sitting before bending over and whispering in his ear that he needed a new pair of underwear, not being able to bring himself to say the word pull-up out loud. Alberto got up, and Louis followed him to the spacious bathroom in their section of the plane. They entered together, Alberto unzipping his bag and taking out a pull-up and pack of wipes wordlessly. He hands it to Louis before exiting the room. Louis locked the door, and keeps checking to make sure that it’s locked before pulling down his sweatpants. He let out a whimper when he saw the way that the pull-up looked, the purple color of Fear had gone away, a juvenile indicator to let d-doms know when their charge was wet.
He couldn’t help the tears that streamed down his face, trying to keep his whimpers at bay while he ripped the sides of the undergarment open. He gathered up bunches of paper towel to put on top of the pull-up inside of the trash can, just in case anyone were to look in the trash can. He opened the travelling pack of baby wipes that Alberto gave him, wiping himself off. In all of his misery he couldn’t help but wish that someone else was cleaning him off, letting him know that everything was okay, giving him a small kiss on the forehead. He pulled on a new pull-up, quickly pulling his sweatpants back on after.
He looked at himself in the mirror, scrubbing away the tears as best as he possibly could before heading back out to his seat.
Harry had returned to a new book, having finished the first. He couldn’t help but look when he saw that Louis had returned, gasping slightly at the smaller man’s red-rimmed eyes.
“Lou… are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine, Harry,” Louis replied, not able to help the sob that came out with his words. Harry reached and lifted up the armrest in between their seats so he could wrap an arm around Louis before pulling him into his side. That broke Louis’ dam of tears, allowing himself to cry softly into Harry’s side. If any of the boys or security had any indication of what was going on in their row, they did a damn good job of pretending they didn’t, allowing the two their privacy. Harry and Louis had always been especially close in a way that the others weren’t.
Louis stiffened when he realized what he was doing and how Harry’s hand was rubbing up and down his back, getting dangerously close to the top of his pull-up.
“You don’t need to baby me, H, I’m just tired and ready to go home. I’ll be good as new after the break. I don't know why this trip has been so hard on me. I'm fine, though, like I said, just tired.”
Harry didn’t let himself get hurt by Louis’ words; he knew that he was trying to push him away on purpose. “’M not babying you, Lou, I’m just making sure you’re okay. Same as I’d do for any of the other guys.”
“I know, I know. I appreciate it. I’m just so bloody tired, I’m out of my head.”
“If you need to talk, I’m here, remember that. How are you spending the next week? Going home to see your mom?”
Louis answered all queries about his mom with vague answers, not wanting to alert those around him to their true relationship. The fans thought that his family was just intensely private, his mom never coming to shows nor having a twitter account. The boys just thought she was busy with her babies. That was fine with Louis, it made it easier for him to not have to explain away what she truly thought about him. It was shameful, having a mom who wanted nothing to do with you regardless of how hard you worked, how much you had done to get yourself to where you were in life.
“Nope, she’s busy with the girls being in school. I’ll just be home in London relaxing, it’ll be good, just my bed, takeaway, and footie.”
“Not too much takeaway, I hope, you know how bad that stuff is for you,” Harry joked, always giving Louis a hard time about his bad eating habits, “you’ll have to come over one night for dinner with Nick and I. We’d like that.”
Louis nodded noncommittally, knowing he likely wouldn’t get out of his bed until Alberto was banging at his door on the first day of rehearsals.
When they finally landed back in London, Louis couldn’t have been more relieved. He hugged the boys goodbye, always feeling oddly choked up when he would be spending time without them. They’d spent the past five years living out of one another’s pocket, making any time spent apart feel like he was missing a part of himself. Liam and Niall were feeling up for stopping for fans, so they hopped in a car together, ready to stop on the road outside of Heathrow.
Louis hopped into a car with Alberto, ready to head back to his house. Once arriving, Alberto performed his usual routine of looking through Louis’ house and making sure everything was as he left it. It was a bit dramatic, in Louis’ mind, but if it made the guard feel better leaving his charge alone, then so be it. Once he deemed the house clear, he hugged Louis tightly, telling the boy to call him if he needed anything at all, any time of the day. It was the same speech that he always gave him, but there was a bit more emotion behind it after the events of the past week. Louis promised he would call Alberto if he needed anything, and the man handed Louis the pack of pull-ups and wipes from his backpack before leaving. Louis threw them on the counter like it burned him to touch them, letting out a breath when he was finally alone. Finally. Alone. He headed up to his room, forcing himself to go to the bathroom before settling in for a long hibernation.