Chapter 16
After our relationship became public, we got a rush of media attention. For about a year, we were badgered on social media, we received both support and criticism from fans and strangers alike. We didn’t let it bother us, though. We stayed strong and ignored the hatred that came. Kelley and I have never been better. We’ve built a strong relationship and it’s easy for me to say that I trust her. I trust her completely.
After playing soccer for almost my whole life, I retired from the game last year at age 39. I stayed in the league for a long time. As soon as I started to feel my body become tired, become beaten down from the years of wear and tear, I decided to end it. We won the NWSL championship and it felt like the right time to walk away, to start my life without playing the game I love so much. With the retirement came a sense of freedom. I was no longer tied down to Seattle. Kelley was traded to FCKC during my last season playing. Sure, that meant we were a little bit closer together in distance, but it didn’t make it any easier to see each other. For the last 2 years of my career we barely saw each other during soccer season. Even less when she had camps or tournaments with the national team.
During their most recent cycle, the girls lost the World cup in the final to Germany. It was heartbreaking to watch Kelley. The blank look on her face, the tears, the frustration. They came back, they regrouped, and they kicked ass at the Olympics, winning gold once again. I watched from the stands as she celebrated with her team. Now, at 33, she’s still going strong and if anything, she’s become an even better, even more versatile, player.
Once I left Seattle, Kelley and I both agreed that I should move to Kansas City with her. While Seattle is my home, I’m willing to make a temporary sacrifice for our relationship. Living together was a big change. We argued a lot, we got under each other’s skin. Mostly because Kelley is so fucking messy, but that’s beside the point. Once we got used to being around each other so much, we’ve gotten much better. Now, I’m able be with Kelley and support her career. I was offered a job as a goalkeeping coach for Seattle. After I considered it for a long time, I decided against it. I think I just need a break. A break from working, a break from being within the soccer world. Maybe one day I’ll be ready to return.
It’s mid-season for her so she’s been really busy. They’ve been on a road trip for the last two weeks, playing in Orlando, then in New Jersey. I’ve been working around our small house. It’s not big, it’s not luxury, but it’s us. It’s perfect for us. A small two-bedroom house with just enough space and just enough work to be done to keep me busy. Kell should be home tomorrow morning. Her flight leaves Jersey at like 8 and I’m trying to get these walls painted before she gets back.
Kelley has been hinting at wanting to get married for the past year. She’ll show me dresses that she likes online, she’ll show me venues, center pieces, anything that has to do with a wedding. I always sort of laugh it off. I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet. I mean, my last experience proposing wasn’t necessarily a good experience. And by that I mean it was a fucking shit show and ended with me hating her.
The next day I move the furniture back in place. The walls look better than I thought they would. I’ve never actually painted a full room by myself before so I’d say for a first-timer, I did well. As I’m pour myself a cup of coffee, I hear the door open and the sound of luggage being rolled on the hardwood floors. “Baby?” She calls. I put my coffee down and walk to the living room. “Hey.” I say, upon seeing her.
She smiles at me and comes to give me a quick kiss. “Did you do all this?” She motions to the room. I nod. “The paint’s not totally dry yet, so don’t touch the walls.” She gives me a short hug. “Thank you.” I nod in response. Something’s wrong. Normally she’s in my arms before I can even say ‘hi’ after road trips. “Everything okay?” She nods, too quickly.
“I’m just tired. I’m gonna go shower.” I smirk. “Want me to join?” She gives me a tight smile. “I’m just gonna go rinse my body off really quickly.” I furrow my eye brows and watch as she walks away. What did I do? I go through the events of the last couple days. She was fine on the phone yesterday morning. What happened from then to now to make her upset?
I sigh and go to our bedroom, sitting on the bed and waiting for her to emerge from the bathroom. She finally comes out about 15 minutes later. She ignores me and puts on jeans and a t-shirt. “Where are you going?” I ask, softly. She shrugs. “I don’t know.” I roll my eyes and stand up, grabbing her shoulders, forcing her to look at me. “What is wrong, Kelley?” I look down at her.
She hesitates, probably contemplating on whether to tell me or not. She sighs and moves away from me, sitting down on the edge of the bed. She motions for me to do the same. I look at her skeptically, but do as she asks. I stay silent, allowing her to take her time. She looks at me.
“Kell, you’re scaring me.” I say, honestly. She never acts like this. “I want to get married, Hope.” I furrow my eye brows. This is what this is all about? Really? “Okay?” I respond. “I want to have kids.” She continues. My eyes widen. Kids? We never really talked about having kids, so I just assumed we were on the same page that we weren’t planning on having them. I mean, sure, I’ve thought about having one or two, but we never discussed it. “What?”
She sighs again. “I’m 33 years old and I have no idea what we’re doing or where we’re going. You refuse to talk about getting married and the face that you just made when I mentioned kids makes me think you don’t want them.” I wipe my face with my hands. “I just..I don’t know, Kell. Those are big decisions.” She shakes her head.
“You were going to propose to me before..what changed?” I scoff. “Yes. I was going to. Then I caught you in bed with someone else. So that plan changed.” The words flow out of my mouth before I can stop them. Fuck. Fuck. I shouldn’t have said that. She flinches at my words. “I thought we were over that.” I nod and put my hand on her thigh. She pulls away. “We are…we are. I’m sorry.” She looks at me, hurt evident in her eyes.
“I’m gonna lay it out for you. I want to get married to you. I want to have kids with you. If you don’t want that then let me know because either my priorities have to change or I need to move on.” I raise my eye brows. An ache fills my chest. “You would leave me if I didn’t want kids? If I didn’t want to get married?” I’m immediately defensive. I’m not saying that I don’t want those things. But the fact that she would leave if I didn’t hurt more than it should.
“I don’t know, Hope.” I smile, tightly, and look away. “Good to know.” I say, standing and grabbing my jacket. “Where are you going?” I shake my head. “You know what? You have a lot of nerve coming back after two weeks and throwing all of this on my plate. It’s not my fault that you decided to fuck someone else and ruin what we could have had. Maybe if you weren’t such a slut, we’d have kids by now.” I spit the words out at her. I watch the hurt flood her face, regret immediately filling my body. I walk out of the room and go to the kitchen, leaning against the counter, head in my hands.
I don’t know where that came from. Kelley and I have been doing so well. So fucking well and now I’ve just fucked that up. The truth is that I do want to marry her and I do want to have kids. It’s just the way that she attacked me about it that set me off. It’s not an excuse for my words, but fuck, I’m not perfect. I sigh and put my jacket on the table. I can’t walk out and leave her right now. I walk back to our room, quietly.
I open our door and see her packing clothes. I walk into the room and notice she’s crying. “Kell? I’m sorry.” I say, softly. She looks up at me and shakes her head. “Don’t leave.” I plead. She laughs, dryly. “Oh, I’m not leaving. You are.” I raise my eye brows. “What?”
She stops what she’s doing. “I fucked up, okay? 6 years ago, I fucked up. I get it. I thought we were over that.” “We are” I interrupt. She puts a hand up to stop me. “Clearly not.” Her voice cracks. I walk over to her and put my arms around her. She fights me, trying to get out of my arms. After about thirty seconds of fighting, she allows me to hold her. “I’m sorry.” I whisper into her hair. She shakes her head and pulls back.
“I want to be your wife one day, Hope. I want to have your kids, but I want you to want it too. So if it’s not something you want then I get it.” I nod, slowly. “You don’t have to leave.” She says. I hesitate. “Maybe I should go. Maybe I should go back to Seattle for a few days, clear my head.” She shakes her head, quickly. “No, don’t go.” I smile at her. “Kell, I’ll be back in a few days, okay? Then I’ll be able to give you answers. I just..I think I need to clear my mind.” She nods, slowly. “Help me pack?” I ask, as I grab some of my clothes and throw them in the bag.
I go back to Seattle that night, walking into my house for the first time in about six months. Everything looks pretty much the same. I brought all of my cloths and some appliances that we needed to KC, but other than that, all of my furniture and decorations remain. I’ve missed it here. I love living with Kelley, getting to see her all the time, but Seattle has always been home to me. It’s just where I’m most comfortable. I sigh and walk to the bedroom.
I didn’t come here to think. Well, I guess I probably should think about it a little bit more while I’m here, but I’m pretty sure I know what I want. I go to my bureau and open the top drawer, taking out the fateful ring that’s been through all of this with me. I really do want to marry Kelley. What I said to her today was out of anger. I feel terrible about it. I sit down and text Kelley, letting her know I’m here safely. I go online and look at flights. Maybe I’ll be home sooner than she thinks.
I haven’t told Kelley that I’m back in town. I’m not supposed to be back until tomorrow. I probably should have learned my lesson with surprises, but here I am, doing it again. I pull into the driveway and notice an unfamiliar car. I laugh, dryly, to myself. This is all too familiar. It’s probably just one of our friends. They’re always coming over unannounced. I get out of the car, quickly, and look through the window when I see them.
Tobin, Kling, and Kelley, sitting in the living room, laughing. She didn’t tell me Portland was in town. I smirk to myself and unlock the door. She snaps her head up to look at me. “You’re home?” Her voice is a mixture of nerves and excitement. “I am.” I respond, closing the door behind me.
She stands up and gives me a long hug. “I’m sorry for what I said.” I whisper. I feel her shake her head against my shoulder. “I know. It’s okay, I forgive you.” I look over at our friends, who are looking at us with disgust evident on their faces. “You guys are gross.” Kling says. I roll my eyes and walk over to them. “Nice to see you too.” I give them quick hugs and walk to the bedroom to unpack.
They leave a few hours later. We ordered some pizza and caught up. I haven’t seen them since last season so it was nice to have them over. After they left, Kelley was in the kitchen doing the dishes, I stayed in the living room, watching TV and playing with the box that’s hidden away in my jacket pocket. I’m too nervous for a speech, too nervous to make a big deal of it. She comes back in the living room when she’s done and sits across from me. As she sits down, I stand up, shakily.
She looks at me, expectantly. “What are you-“ I cut her off by getting on one knee and taking out the ring. She stares at it, in silence. My hand is shaking uncontrollably. She makes eye contact with me, her eyes are filled with unfallen tears. “Are you sure?” I nod my head immediately. “Ask me.” I let out a short laugh.
“Will you marry me?” I say, my voice shaking. She smiles, brightly, allowing tears to fall. She nods her head and slides off the couch, getting on her knees in front of me. She leans in and gives me a hug, only pulling back to kiss me. I smile and take the ring out of the box, sliding it on her finger. “I didn’t have to go back to Seattle to think about it, I just needed to pick something up.” I motion to the ring.
She looks at me. “Wait is that the same ring as-“ She cuts herself off. I nod. “You kept it all this time?” I shrug. “I guess I never really felt like it was over between us.” She gives me a small smile and pulls me to my feet, hugging me once again. “One.” I say. She pulls back and looks at me, confusion evident on her face. “What?”
“One kid. I’m too old to keep up with any more than that.” She laughs. “You’re serious? You want to have a baby with me?” I smile and nod. “I do.” I say, honestly. I lean down to kiss her once again. She pulls back after a couple of minutes. “I need to call my parents!” She exclaims, running to the kitchen to get her phone. I roll my eyes. As I listen to her tell her family the news, the excitement in her voice, the love that I feel for her is greater than anything I’ve ever experienced. We made it.