Chapter 4
“Come find coffee with me.” Ali says. It’s Saturday afternoon. She and I haven’t left the room since our long training session this morning. I look at her and nod. “I know a place near here.” I always find a local coffee place near whatever hotel we’re in, no matter the city. We throw on some shoes and leave the room.
“So how’s Ash?” I know they’ve been fighting more now that Ali and I are friends. She rolls her eyes. “She’s being immature. I honestly just think she’s jealous. She thinks there’s something going on between us.” I laugh. Ali and me? Ha. Right.
“Well did you tell her there isn’t anything going on?” Ali looks at me and smirks. “I mean I probably could have done a better job at denying it.” I roll my eyes. “Ali.” I look down at her, disapprovingly. “What? She and I aren’t official and she’s being an asshole to you. She can suffer a little bit too.” I shake my head, but smile.
I open the door for her when we get to the café. “And they say chivalry is dead.” She says, dramatically. I scoff. “Oh please, Krieger. As if you’d settle for less.” We get our coffee and sit down at a booth. “Is your mouth better?” I run my tongue along the inside of my bottom lip subconsciously. “It’s healing.” I nod. She shakes her head. “It was scary. Seeing you spit blood.” I roll my eyes. “You’ve seen me get hurt worse, a busted lip is nothing.”
She shrugs in response. We sit in a comfortable silence for a few minutes before she breaks it. “Kelley asked about you.” I look at her. “Oh yea?” She nods. “Asked how you were doing.” I roll my eyes. “Why does she care?” Ali shrugs. “Are you still in love with her?” I clench my jaw and look away. “No.” I say, unconvincingly. She doesn’t mention it. “Are you in love with Ash?” She shakes her head. “Nope.” She replies. She’s lying. I don’t mention it.
“You don’t have to torture her for me, you know? I can deal with her.” Ali looks down. “She’s become someone that I don’t know anymore. A stranger. The woman I knew with would never get physical with a teammate, even to defend a friend. I can’t be with someone like that. Especially now that I know the truth.” I bite my lips, but don’t respond.
“I talked to Kelley yesterday.” She looks at me from across the table, skeptically. “She asked me if I’d ever consider giving her another chance.” She scoffs. “She’s really something.” I nod in agreement. “I can’t believe she’s letting the team treat you like this. I still think you should tell them.” I shake my head. I can’t tell them. “I don’t want to tell them.”
“Why not? It would save you from being treated like shit.” I shake my head. “I don’t want them to look at Kelley differently.” She rolls her eyes. I shoot her a light glare. “She is the one who fucked up, Hope, not you. I can’t believe you’re taking the heat for her.” I shrug.
“Plus, I feel like I shouldn’t have to tell them. They should have asked me what happened from the start instead of jumping to conclusions. If they had asked, I would have told them the truth.” She looks down. “I’m sorry that I didn’t ask you. I mean, Kelley’s just always seemed so…” She struggles to find the word. “Innocent” I finish for her. She nods. “Yeah. She just doesn’t seem like the type to do that and you..well you don’t have the best reputation and..” I cut her off, not needing to hear anymore. “I know, Ali. It’s fine. I get it.” She looks at me apologetically.
I sigh and stand up. “Come on, princess. Let’s go watch a movie.” She follows me. Once we get back to the room, we find a cheesy rom-com to put on.
We spend the remainder of the night in the room, finding shitty movies to watch on the TV. We only leave to go to team dinner, where she and I sat at a table alone. She ignores the looks she gets from the team. I don’t though. I send glares to everyone I see look our way. Assholes.
I open the bedroom door, slowly. What I see makes bile rise in my throat. The first thing I notice is their clothes, thrown carelessly on the floor. I see Ann, in our, in my bed. Her head thrown back, eyes shut. Then I look down to see Kelley in between her legs. I physically feel my heart shatter inside of my chest. I drop my phone on the ground.
Their heads snap up. I look at her, allowing her to look into my eyes. To see what she’s done. She looks back at me, in shock. “Hope” She whispers. I shake my head and back up before turning and walking away. “Hope” I hear her call. I ignore her, wiping the few tears that escaped from my eyes. I go outside and sit on the back deck.
I could run. I could leave and find a bar. Drink my problems away. But I don’t. I stay and I sit. I don’t allow myself to cry. She doesn’t deserve to see me cry. She doesn’t deserve to comfort me. I hear the front door close and I know Ann is gone. Ann is Kelley’s best friend. Or that’s what she told me, at least.
I shake my head, berating myself for being so stupid. I hear her open the back door and walk out. She sits next to me silently. “Hope” She says. She’s crying. I don’t need to look at her to know, I can hear it in her voice. I don’t respond. “Say something.” I scoff. “I don’t think you’re in a position to tell me what to do.”
She nods, slowly. “How long?” I need to know. She looks away and I feel the ache in my chest hurt just a little bit more. “Two months.” I close my eyes. I’m a fucking idiot. “How many times?” She rubs her face. “Hope, I really don’t think-“ I cut her off. “How many fucking times, Kelley?” She sighs. “I don’t know. A couple times a week.” I laugh, dryly. “So when I left to go see my mom in the hospital and you said you couldn’t come because you didn’t feel well?” She puts her face in her hands, leaning against her knees. I shake my head, looking up, blinking back the tears that threatened to fall.
“Are you in love with her?” She shakes her head. “I’m in love with you.” She answers. “Bullshit. If you loved me, this wouldn’t be happening.” She doesn’t respond.
“Why?” My voice cracks. She looks at me and I look back at her. “I don’t know. I wish I had answers for you, I do. I just..It happened once. Then again. And again. And again. I wasn’t thinking. I made a mistake.” I roll my eyes. I feel a calm wash over me. “A mistake is when you forget to pick up milk from the store. When you drop a coffee mug on the floor and break it. This. What you did. That was no mistake. You knew what you were doing. It didn’t happen once, Kelley, it happened over and over again for two fucking months. Two months.” I look her dead in the eyes. I don’t yell, I don’t falter. She looks away first.
I sigh and shake my head. I’m done talking. “I’ll go to a hotel for the night. You can pack what you want. I’ll be back tomorrow night. I expect you to be gone.” I need to get out of here. I stand up. “Baby, please.” She looks up at me. I shake my head. “You don’t get to call me that anymore, Kelley. Not when you were just making another woman scream your fucking name. I hope she was worth it.” I say, angrily, before walking out. I don’t allow myself to cry until I get to a nearby hotel. I sit in my car, allowing myself to feel.
I lean against the steering wheel, gasping for air, as sobs wrack through my body. I feel something sharp pressing against my rib cage. I reach into my jacket and pull out that small box that I was so nervous about just hours ago. I open it and look at the ring, before throwing it, as hard as I can, at the floor. “Fuck” I scream, so loudly I feel my throat immediately ache. I lay my head on the steering wheel and allow myself to feel the pain as I stare at that small box, that’s sitting on the floor of my car, haunting me.
I went back to my home the next night to find Kelley gone. But her presence remained. The pictures, her scent, the slippers that she left sitting on the floor next to her side of the bed. She left a note on the table. “I hope that one day you’ll forgive me. I love you, Hope. Please, believe that. –K” It read. I crumpled it, throwing it in the trash.
I walk back to my room, noticing that she changed the sheets. I can’t sleep on that bed. I walk into the bathroom and see her toothbrush. I throw it out without second thought. I look in the mirror. My eyes are red and puffy, my hair is a mess. I look like shit. I go to the kitchen and grab the bottle of vodka I keep stored in the back of the pantry.
I walk into the living room, turn on the TV, open the bottle, and hope that one day, the pain won’t be so bad. I fell asleep on the couch that night, and every night after that up until the first day of camp. I really need to get a new bed.
We win the game on Sunday, 5-1. I made a bad decision, coming out for a ball I should have stayed back on. But regardless, we won easily. Abby scored two, Syd scored two, and Lori scored one. We’re down to one more friendly in Harrison, New Jersey. Our flight leaves on Monday, after everyone finishes their recovery requirements.
It was training on Wednesday when all hell broke loose. Kelley was running into the box, ball at her feet. Her against me. I made my decision and ran towards her, covering the ball, tripping her up as I did. I got up, immediately walking over to her. I bent over, looking at her. “You okay?” She squinted up at me, sun in her eyes.
“Yea. I’m fine.” I reached down to help her up when I felt someone push me. Hard. I hit the ground and looked up, furrowing my eye brows. “What the fuck?” I said, loudly. Carli stood over me. “You don’t know what you’re doing, do you? You piece of shit. That was a stupid move. You could have fucking hurt her. Just stay the fuck away.” She said, nastily. I looked up at her.
“Fuck you.” I spat out. I started getting up when she brought her fist back. I fell back to the ground, covering my head with my arms, preparing for an impact that never came. I looked up to see Kelley standing next to me, facing Carli. “Just stop.” She yelled, looking around at the team who had gathered around the commotion.
I sat up, wearily, looking around at my teammates. “It was me, okay?” She said, loudly. I touched her ankle softly. She looked down at me and I shook my head at her. “You don’t have to do this.” She turned away. I rolled my eyes. She’d made up her mind. “Hope didn’t hurt me, I hurt her.” She blurted out. I looked down, too embarrassed to look at the faces of the people who turned their backs on me the second they had a chance.
“What?” I heard Carli say. I can only imagine what they’re all thinking right now. “I cheated on her. More than once, I cheated on her. She found out, she saw. That’s why we broke up. So stop giving her shit.” My stomach dropped. Great. I didn’t think she’d get into the details. I closed my eyes before reopening them. No one has said a word. The coaches haven’t come over, which means they’re letting us figure this out on our own.
I keep my eyes down and play with the turf, busying myself. Distracting myself. I can’t break in front of the team. Not when they hurt me just as much as Kelley did. “Wait, what the fuck?” Alex. “I cleated her the other day. Now you’re telling me she didn’t do anything wrong?” I roll my eyes to myself. Apparently if I had hurt Kelley then I would have deserved it.
“No one asked me what happened. I told you we broke up and you all just assumed it was her fault. I should have corrected you. I should have told you. But I didn’t expect you all to turn on her the way you did and once it got to that point, I just thought it was too late.” I looked up at Kelley, who had her back turned towards me. I could feel the tension in the air. No one knew what to say.
I looked at Carli, who looked like she had just been told Santa Claus isn’t real. She had her hands on her hips and was looking at the turf. “So this whole time, you let us blame her and didn’t think to mention the fact that you’re the one who fucked up?” Ashlyn. I looked up at Kelley who shrugged and looked down. “I’m sorry.” She said, looking around.
I felt someone come up behind me and grab under my arms, lifting me to my feet. Ali. I looked at her for a second before looking down, once again. Fuck. I need to get out of here. I look up, frantically looking at my teammates. Their faces showed emotions that ranged from anger, to confusion, to guilt. I turned towards the locker rooms and walked away. “Hope” I hear Ali call out after me.
“I need to go.” I tell Jill as I walk by. “Hope, we aren’t done here.” I ignore her. I walk into the locker room and finally allow tears to fall. I get my bag, change my clothes and start walking back to the hotel. It’s only about a 10-minute bus ride so walking shouldn’t take more than an hour. I can only imagine the awkward conversation the team is having right now. They’re probably all looking at each other, trying to decide what to do. I roll my eyes. Idiots.
I hear footsteps behind me and turn around to see Ali running after me. “What are you doing? Jill is gonna be pissed.” I say, wiping my face. “She’ll be fine. Are you okay?” I shake my head, biting my lips. She nods in understanding. “Okay. Just hold it in. Hold it in until we get to the hotel. Can you do that?” She knows I don’t like to cry, especially in public. I nod my head. She grabs my hand and doesn’t let go until we arrive back at our hotel.