All I Ask

All I Ask

by eversskye

Warning: Thoughts of suicide. Also, please forgive me if you notice any inaccuracies involving the depiction of leukemia. I'm still learning and researching on it.

Chapter Two

There is always a sharp moment- right before her vision became dark and her body gave out- when the world stops spinning and Elsa is struck with an almost agonizing clarity.

The lights would be a little too bright. The ground would be a little too hard, too solid against her.

Distant sounds of chattering and laughing would echo in her ears, which would be pounding-

B-Bump

B-Bump

B-Bump

The clothes that had felt comfortable before would suddenly seem constricting, clinging to her skin in cold sweat as her mind seemed to take in all of the senses at once.

And Elsa would stare at the all-too colorful world, wondering if this is how it felt to be healthy again, to be able to feel every single thing around her. Or was this how it felt to die? Staring at the tiny cracks in the wall as though they were hieroglyphics for some hidden secret, when all she wanted to do was to see Olaf and Marsh one last time and tell them she was sorry.

Sorry for being a failure of a sister.

Sorry for abandoning them when she'd promised to take care of them after their parents died.

Sorry for wanting to die, after all this time, feeling constantly too tired to continue pretending to be happy when it was all such a lie; this disease has been draining her, she hadn't felt like herself in a long time.

Then the darkness would come, and...

Elsa!

There is an ache deep inside her bones, drinking up her blood and ripping her lungs of breath...

Yet she could have sworn it all stemmed from her quickly beating heart, which should not exist, since that heart had died long ago with a throw of the phone and a crack that took out those awful words from a text by a girl who she'd entrusted that heart to. And darn it-

Elsa!

-Everything just went downhill since then. Where did mom and dad go? Why did they leave? Maybe they died because she'd been depressed and they'd decided they didn't want to see her anymore. In the end, it was all her fault to cause them to worry so much that they...were distracted enough to control over the steering wheel, and the last thing they said to her was-

She should really move on to find happiness with someone else. If only the chance at closure was not stolen from her and she did not even get to see that girl one last time to say goodbye. But who was she kidding? She could never think of finding someone else. Why would she risk that burden onto them when she could not live much longer anyway?

Elsa, wake up!

Who is it?

Someone keeps interrupting her thoughts when the pull of darkness is just so strong, so comfortable. Much less jarring than that too bright world from before, and the harsh cruelties that lie ahead with the non-existent future she's been heading off to. She should just give in. Give up. Let it go...

Wait.

No. Not yet, no.

It can't end this way.

Not yet.

She still has to go to work. Who will pay the bills? Who will support Olaf and Marsh? Sure, Olaf has a part time job now, but she wanted him to focus on his studies. Marsh is going to college soon too, so maybe then-

ELSA!

She gasped, breathing deeply before suddenly opening her eyes.

It took a few minutes before she could take in her surroundings, making note of the oxygen mask currently covering half of her face and the worried blue eyes looking into her own.

She struggled to sit, attempting to pull off the mask when the owner of those eyes raised a hand to stop her.

"It's okay, Sis. You're in the hospital right now. Just relax a little, and they'll take care of you, okay?"

She stared at him questioningly, unable to speak, yet willing for him to understand through the look in her eyes. Having answered his sister's questions numerous times before, Olaf did not hesitate before speaking once more, reaching over to hold one of her hands gently while pressing the small button on top of her bed to alert the nurses of her awakening.

"You've been asleep for about a day. Marsh noticed that you hadn't come home even though it was so late, so he went to your workplace to find you. He stayed all night here yesterday. Don't worry about Marsh, Sis. He was fretting, but I assured him I'll be here when you wake up, so he's at school right now. I'm fine too because I don't have class today."

He knew she was constantly worried over Marsh's schooling, since it was their youngest brother's last year of high school and she wanted him to be well prepared for college. The information seemed to calm her down, and she nodded tiredly as he moved away to let the doctors examine her.

She would remain in the hospital for the entire week.

They told her that staying in the hospital might help her current condition.

Naturally of course, as all medical euphemism went, it meant that she would spend the next morning retching into the toilet to get rid of what little food she had managed to take in the day before.

As she collapsed onto the tiled floor, exhausted, the sound of the outer door opening caused Elsa to still her breathing. Weary, tear-filled eyes widen, and she reached forward with one shaking hand to quickly close the bathroom door.

Somehow, she ended up throwing herself against the door just as the visitor entered the outer room.

"Hey sis? You there?" The clear voice rang out.

She breathed and closed her eyes, slightly relieved to recognize the voice as from the older of her two younger siblings rather than the youngest.

Olaf and Marsh.

The two were only a year and a half apart, yet Marsh was brash and hot-headed while Olaf was patient and empathic. Marsh's earnest -yet overly protective- way of caring for her was not something she wanted to deal with at the moment.

"Y-yeah?" She spoke, voice shaken and soft.

If Olaf noticed the weakness in her tone, he had the sense to not mention it, choosing instead to approach the bathroom door cautiously.

"Can I come in?"

The reply was immediate, Elsa's mind whirling as she replied, not wishing for her brother to see her in such a state.

"No! Just...hold on for a second, okay? I'll...I'll be out soon."

Had it been Marsh, perhaps her youngest brother would have rushed in without waiting to ask. Yet Olaf was much more perceptive than his younger sibling, immediately realizing Elsa's reasons for wishing to remain behind the door.

He breathed in deeply, clearing his head from the painful thoughts of what his sister was dealing with inside. Without the girl's knowledge, he pressed the button by her bed to call for a nurse. Then, he walked over to sit against the opposite side of the bathroom door.

His voice was soothing and mellow.

"No rush? Take all the time that you need. I will just be here, talking if that is okay? You don't have to say anything if you don't want to. Just listening is fine."

Grateful for his understanding, Elsa nodded, knowing that he would continue on talking even without seeing her acknowledgement. As the world continued to spin nauseatingly around her, she squeezed her eyes shut and clung onto his voice, letting him ground her with his stable tone.

They continued on for the next few minutes, both not quite remembering the entire one-sided conversation, but basking in each other's presence nonetheless as Olaf continued to jump from one topic to another, occasionally directing a question towards Elsa just to make sure she was still conscious.

Eventually the blonde girl gathered enough strength to stand up, turning on the sink to rinse herself clean. Just as she was about to leave the bathroom, however, another wave of dizziness hit and she stumbled, crashing loudly onto the floor.

"Elsa! Hold on, I'll-"

Olaf's voice immediately echoed from outside, yet another weak cry from his sister stopped him before he could come in.

"W-wait. Don't."

She collapsed onto the ground, shivering slightly and tears forming in her eyes as she whispered pleas for him not to enter.

Please.

Please.

"Please don't."

It was in that moment when one of the nurses- Gerda- finally entered the room, quickly accessing the situation when Olaf gave her a nod towards the bathroom. She headed towards the bathroom door, giving a few respectful knocks then opening the door before Elsa could stop her.

Olaf caught a glimpse of his sister cowering in a corner, afraid he would see her in such a pitiful state. Swallowing the tight knot of worry suddenly wedged his throat, he turned away, allowing the nurse to go in alone while he crouched by the door.

It was a common occurrence for Elsa. While she was quick to care and would never hesitate to offer help to anyone, Olaf's eldest sibling had always hated showing weakness or worrying those who she loved. Even when they were kids, if accidents and outdoor injuries occurred she would opt to hide them from their parents.

When Anna broke her heart, Elsa had stayed in her room for months, not wanting her family to see how sad she was.

She'd promised to let her brothers in when their parents died, and so far Elsa had kept to her word, never lying about how sick she truly was, and calling for her younger siblings to join her whenever they wanted to support her during a doctor's visit.

And yet...

Elsa had never once complained or let her brothers see her break downs either. Olaf knew how important it was for his sister to maintain some form of control over her life, and if it meant that she did not want him to be burdened with how much the illness was taking from her, then he would pretend to know nothing of it.

Thus he continued to babble on outside her door, in what he hoped was a pacifying manner.

Elsa paid his words no heed, however, tired and confused mind clinging onto the single thought of not letting any of her loved ones see how ill she had become. She continued pleading as she hid herself in the corner of the bathroom, stopping only when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

Don't come in!

She flinched, shoulders bent as her arms circled protectively around her chest in attempt to make herself even smaller and less visible.

Don't-

"Shhh."

She continued pulling away, but the old nurse was gentle and motherly, pulling the ailing girl into a tight embrace.

Please

"It will be okay, child."

"D-don't let him in. Don't let him see."

"Shhhh."

The nurse began rocking from side to side, patting Elsa's back gently to calm her down.

"It's okay. We'll go out whenever you're ready."

For the next half an hour, they sat, until Elsa fell asleep from exhaustion. Only then did the patient nurse open the door, motioning for Olaf to carry his sister back to bed.

It was then that Olaf promised himself, he would protect his sister. He would find a way for her to be happy, no matter how hard it was, regardless of how much time she had left.

Life, like the wind, can flow in so many different directions.

Sometimes it coincides with where you are headed, pushing you forward.

Up, to where everything can easily be grasped.

Sometimes it pushes you away.

Down, to where you will never again reach what you want the most.

And sometimes, what had burned so brightly in the heart, what meant the world, is suddenly blown away...only to come back once it had already flickered and died.

Olaf had always been an easygoing type of person, always going with the flow.

So when he caught his sister's ex-girlfriend peeking outside Elsa's door, he was not sure what to believe...except that everything in life had a reason.

Perhaps it was finally time for Elsa's wounds to heal.

As was Olaf's way, despite the shock running through his veins, his grip on the girl remained gentle- even if firm.

The strawberry-blonde was kneeling with one hand extended, fingers still clutching the white roses she was about to leave on the floor. The moment he noticed the shadow of the mysterious visitor, Olaf wasted no time to reach forward and hold on to her wrist.

Only when he had pulled her quietly into his sleeping sister's room did the light haired boy recognize the girl to be Anna, the one who had so thoroughly broken his sister's heart long ago.

His memories of Elsa's suffering told him that he should probably yell at her. Or at the very least, he should send her away, tell her to never come here again.

Yet his mind reasoned that the leukemia, as well as a lot of the other unfortunate things his sister had suffered from throughout the years, were not caused by the girl in front of him.

Sure, she had caused Elsa a lot of heart ache.

But then again, who was he to judge on the right or the wrongs between them? This was no soap opera, and Olaf would prefer to live his life believing in love and fairytales instead of tv dramas.

So he pulled her safely to the side, took a deep calming breath, and spoke.

"What are your intentions with my sister?"

For a moment, Anna looked at him with panic filled eyes. Then, she turned away, guilt-ridden face boring a hole in the ground as she mumbled, "I...I just wanted to see her, from afar. I don't want to hurt her. Honest! I just want to know that she's okay."

She looked so scared and sorry that he was taken aback, immediately reminded of the times when Elsa was still dating her, and he had considered Anna as a close friend. He had believed that Anna had loved his sister at the time; the girl they once knew seemed incapable of lies and deceit.

Looking at her now, the air around her still so very familiar and caring towards his sister, Olaf had to wonder what had happened between the two.

The young man sighed as he came to a decision, silently hoping he would not regret it later. He nodded to the terrified girl, indicating for her to step closer to his still-slumbering sister.

"She should remain asleep for a while, so I'll give you a moment to be alone with her. But I'll be right outside the door, so...don't even think you can try anything funny. And...I want an explanation after this."

Without waiting for her to reply, Olaf headed out the room, making sure to leave the door slightly ajar in case his sister needed him.

Elsa slept often. She spent the week in a daze, often unable to tell morning from night.

Her brothers would visit at odd intervals, trying to see her as often as their schedules would permit. But aside from enjoying their company and enduring each chemo and radiation session, moments of sleep and wakefulness within the prison of her room eventually muddled into one.

She hated worrying her brothers; hated having to stay for treatment even more. The procedures left her constantly tired, aching and nauseous.

So she slept to forget the pain.

Slept to forget the pass of time. Slept to forget herself.

In Elsa's dreams, Anna was always the awkward tomboy she'd first met while in college.

Casual shirts and faded jeans, Anna wore her heart on her sleeves and stumbled clumsily on nothing but air as she walked Elsa from lecture to lecture during mornings, eagerly persuading Elsa to marathon Disney movies with her late into the night. Getting through Elsa's shy barriers were no easy feat, yet Anna with all her enthusiasm and direct nature, wormed her way in easily and naturally as breath.

In Elsa's dreams, Anna was always that sweet and innocent girl, always dragging her off to do volunteer work and immersing herself with community activities. A true people-lover, yet caring enough to know when Elsa simply wanted to stay inside and spend Christmas with just the two of them rather than joining wild college parties.

The memories of them together did not stop when Anna left. Not really.

Because to Elsa, Anna never left.

In Elsa's dreams...

Anna had been there to hold her during those days after her parents' car accident. She was the only person Elsa had wanted to see, even as Olaf and Marsh knocked on her door incessantly and forced her to go to the funeral.

In Elsa's dreams...

Anna had urged her to take her medication each day, and encouraged her whenever work became too busy and too hard.

In Elsa's dreams...

Anna had not minded when Elsa's hair had fallen out due to treatment over a year ago. Anna had teased her relentlessly when they grew back even whiter than before after the doctor switched to a different form of chemotherapy.

Dear Anna, do you realize how much of each other's lives we had missed?

But dreams were only dreams. Happy dreams were especially sad for Elsa, because she would wake up to find them to be nothing more than wishful imagination.

Elsa knew it would be easier to hate the woman who had hurt her so. It would be simpler to resent the other girl for her actions, cursing her for choosing her parents over the lover.

But even as Elsa felt her heart ache from disappointment, even as she hid her emotions from the rest of the world and faced loved ones and strangers alike with cool neutrality...She was never one to lie to herself.

Thus in her heart Elsa kept on loving Anna, kept on dreaming of the other girl no matter how painful it was.

Eventually Elsa realized that perhaps, she no longer loved the real "Anna" at all. How could she, when she hadn't spoken to, hadn't known the other girl in years.

No.

What Elsa loved was the girl from the past, a girl who no longer existed.

A memory, if perhaps slightly glorified over time with incorrect recollections and much imagination. This was fine with Elsa, having these memories and living in them...because in her heart existed an Anna who had never left, never betrayed her. An Anna she could wholly love, in a world where only the two of them exist and no one could separate them.

And so the more Elsa loved, the more Elsa slept; wanted to remain forever asleep, because the real world no longer had that Anna in it.

How do you find someone who lives only in your memories, in your dreams?

Elsa wanted for time to stop, wanted to stay in the past, wanted to disappear from the real world. Because maybe if she died, she could join that odd universe of dreams...and join that world where Anna would be with her again.

Wait for me Anna. Wait until Marsh enters college...and we'll be together.

As memories should be, throughout the four years of their separation, dream-Anna had never once aged or changed in appearance. Thus when she felt the presence of the other girl, Elsa had expected the young Anna from four years ago to be staring back at her.

Yet the platinum-blonde was surprised to find a new, updated version of dream-Anna next to her bed. The younger girl held a couple of white roses in hand, looking, for all intents and purposes, much more mature and similar to how she was when Elsa had so hurriedly run off earlier on that week.

She was not the usual dream-Anna. Was it because she had finally seen what Anna looked like now?

Still, this was Anna, and Elsa was not in the right state of mind to question why this particular version of her dream looked different from how she usually appeared.

"A...Anna," she called, as she was usually wont to do in those dreams.

Her voice was hoarse from lack of use, but Anna heard her and stepped forward nonetheless, frantically uttering something that Elsa could not quite hear through the dull thrumming in her ears. Blinking tiredly, Elsa extended one shaking hand to weave her fingers with the other girl, lovingly noting the surprised widening of teal colored eyes.

"Come. You're...acting so weird today, Anna."

As the other girl quieted down, Elsa motioned her closer, not letting go until Anna ended up in a half-sitting position on her bed. Then, she reached both of her arms to encircle the other girl's shoulders, pulling her down into a tight embrace.

Anna froze, and Elsa buried her face into the strawberry-blonde's neck, smiling sadly.

"You know...I scared Olaf quite a bit some days ago. I must be projecting all of that into you, which is why you ended up so nervous."

When the girl in her arms did not speak, Elsa continued.

"I'm sorry. We usually have a lot more fun, neh? I don't know why...despite being in a dream, I feel so tired."

She shivered slightly, tightening her arms around the other girl as her body shook.

"Anna, I'm scared. If I'm sick in my dreams, too...then does it mean that my body has accepted it, accepted that this is all that's left in store for me? There's no escape here either."

A gentle hand found its way behind her back, rubbing in soothing circles. Elsa closed her eyes, trying to lose herself in the realistic feeling of the embrace.

Please. Stay with me.

End Chapter Two.