/The woods are lovely, dark and deep./
The guilt of leaving Clarke and the rest of the sky people is heavy in your heart.
You don't want to be the Commander.
You may say that love is weakness, that Clarke is weak because her heart bleeds for her people, but you only say this so that the burden of doing something you know is wrong will not settle on your shoulders.
Because you are the Heda.
The leader of your people.
The body the spirit of the Heda chose.
Because your people come first. No matter what little Alexandria wants you to do.
You remember Clarke saying for your spirit to stay where it is.
When that mountain man came and told you of the deal his president wanted to make with you, you so badly wanted to say no. Say no because the mountain men have terrorized your people for almost as long as your people needed a Heda. Say no because what would happen if they started taking your people again?
Say no because what will happen to Clarke, the girl who fell from the sky?
But the mountain man reminds you of how many of your people stay bleeding in the mountain versus how many Sky people are in the mountain.
The sacrifice of the few over the many, she told you.
So, you accepted. You have a duty to your people. The Heda must make decisions not Lexa.
You forced your mask up as your people were let out of the mountain.
You forced your mask up as Clarke asked what was happening.
You forced your mask up as the mountain man told Clarke of your deal.
She knew. She knew. She knew.
She knew that you have a duty to your people. That if it were her in your place she would have accepted too.
(or so you say to yourself)
/But I have promises to keep./
The horn is sounded and Lincoln begs to fight. Begs to have blood taken from the mountain men that turned him into something that haunts the nightmares of many. You wish that he could have his revenge. Jus drien jus draun.
But you accepted the deal. So, you say that he will retreat willingly or not.
He is taken back to camp, unconscious.
At the camp your people rejoice for this is considered a victory against the mountain. Their Mothers, Fathers, Brothers, Sisters, Children are returned to them and they rejoice.
You don't want to join the party. Because, to you this is not a victory. It is not a defeat.
You leave the warm fires that are set up around the camp to hike up the hill, into the forest.
The sky is as plenty as ever with stars. Your people have said that the spirit of the Heda came from the stars.
You close your eyes and feel the cold air. When you open them Anya, Gustus and Costia are in front of you.
Their ghosts are in front of you.
Their ghosts follow you. The sky people's ghosts will follow you too.
You let out a small hello. You try to remember a memory of when they were alive.
The day Anya chose you to be her second.
The day Gustus took you riding in the forest after a grueling meeting about the coalition.
The day Costia was last safely in your arms.
/And miles to go before I sleep/
You stay out there in the cold. Watching them watching you. They could never speak to you but you could imagine what they would say.
"You thought with your head and not your heart."
"The alliance with the Sky people was not meant to last."
"The burden of what you did will haunt you."
You look back at the camp. How your people rejoice around fires, embracing family that was returned to them.
You turn your back on the three of them and retreat back to the camp.
You go into your tent and start to wash the Kohl from your face.
////
When you wake the next morning Indra asks to enter your tent. You let her.
She enters and tells you that the mountain has been defeated.
You freeze. Waiting.
She tells you that Klark kom skaikru singlehandedly felled the mountain. That her people have gone back to Camp Jaha but she had refused to go in with them.
That she had been seen wandering the forest with only a gun.
You pause. You don't know what to do.
Indra voices her concern of Clarke wanting to kill you after the betrayal at the mountain. Your people voice their concern of your betrayal to Clarke, that she may want to kill you.
(You wish she would.)
(she wont she wont)
You tell her to leave Clarke alone.
You have done enough to her anyway.
(" you're the one who sent them there to kill us")
If she wants to kill you, you'd probably let her. Sometimes you are so tired of being the Commander.
/And miles to go before I sleep./