Good Communication Saves Relationships
The next time Lexa woke up, she was pleasantly surprised to find a calm, warm, deeply asleep Clarke still curled into her side. By the light in the tent it was now close to late afternoon and Lexa was momentarily shocked that no one, Indra especially, had bothered them since that morning. But, when remembering exactly what happened that morning she realized that maybe it wasn’t so strange. The guards had probably realized visitors aren’t welcome at the moment and kept people out. Plus, Lexa almost groaned when she realized word of her outburst had probably spread throughout camp at this point, which would most definitely act as a further deterrent. Sighing lightly, Lexa realized she would probably have a lot of damage control to deal with once this situation with Clarke was over. But, there was nothing she could do at the moment. She currently had issues much more pressing and personally important to her to deal with.
Lexa turned her head slightly so that she could look at the face of the blond Omega as she slept. She marveled at how peaceful and beautiful Clarke looked. There wasn’t any trace of the anxiety and fear that had spent so much time on her face in the last several hours. Not for the first time in the last day, Lexa wondered why Clarke had reacted so strongly to those situations. Even for an Omega in the middle of a fairly powerful heat, her emotions seemed to be extremely scattered and heightened. It was even effecting Lexa’s emotions and she didn’t like it. She vowed to herself that whoever or whatever had hurt Clarke so much that it continued to have such a strong effect on the young leader who had already seen so much pain in her life, would pay dearly if Clarke ever trusted her enough to reveal the source of her pain.
But for that to happen, they would need to talk and Lexa still wasn’t entirely sure Clarke would be so loving and forgiving now that she was passed in initial stages of her heat, letting it stabilize into something much more manageable, and her body was rested and used to the new suppressants. Her mind would be as close to normal as it possibly could be during a heat and Lexa knew it was time for them to talk. So, she gently moved her free arm, the one not wrapped snuggly under and around Clarke’s shoulders, and stroked Clarke’s face, gently moving a lock of hair out of the way in the process, while she whispered, “Klark, you must wake. Wake up, my love.” Lexa didn’t notice it, but she was purring lightly at the same time.
After a moment, Clarke’s eyes fluttered open gently and immediately settled on Lexa, who gave her a slight smile in hopes of avoiding another panicked wake up turned freak out. But, not even a sliver of fear entered Clarke’s thoughts as she opened her eyes this time because she was immediately surrounded by everything comforting and loving that Lexa was offering her: soft words, gentle touches, protective embrace, and a comforting purr. Clarke felt nothing but relaxed and happy. So, she returned Lexa’s smile with an even bigger one of her own, let out a yawn, and asked, “What for?”
Lexa continued her small smile and gentle touches, encouraged by Clarke’s reaction, and said, “We must wake up. It is late in the day now and we have yet to have our talk, let alone eat, and you will need another dose of suppressants before long.”
Groaning slightly in protest, but still completely happy and offering no real complaints, Clarke nodded and huffed, “Fine, but can we eat first? I suddenly realize I’m starving.”
Lexa nodded seriously, whispering, “Sha, my love,” while she carefully extracted herself from Clarke and the bed so that she could hurry into the main part of her tent to grab food and the suppressants for later and bring them back to Clarke. Clarke grumbled slightly in protest again when she lost her comforting warmth, but she didn’t have to wait for Lexa for long because the Alpha was back in under a minute with a tray of fruits, cheeses, bread, water, and the bottle of heat suppressants carefully placed on top.
Lexa settled back into bed with the tray and the two spent several minutes eating in a comfortable silence, even though they were both secretly fairly worried about how their impending conversation would go. Lexa was worried about Clarke’s reaction to her now that her head was mostly clear, even if the girl had acted normally toward her so far. Clarke was worried not only because more and more of her behavior for the past several hours were coming back to her and she was becoming very embarrassed, but also because Lexa will most likely want to know why she reacted so poorly and Clarke wasn’t sure if Lexa would maintain any desire to be with her once she learned about her past.
But, the two could only eat to put off the conversation for so long. So, once they had both had their fill, Lexa carefully shifted the tray onto the floor near the bed within easy reach for later, and turned to face Clarke cautiously. Clarke was biting her lower lip nervously and Lexa had to restrain herself from leaning forward to kiss her and bite it for her. That wouldn’t be helpful in this situation. Instead, she reached out to gently take Clarke’s hand, only slightly afraid that the gesture would be rejected. Clarke eagerly interlaced her fingers with her as soon as she realized what the Alpha wanted.
It was that positive response that got Lexa talking, “I would like to start this conversation by apologizing one more time for letting my instincts take over last night. That was wrong of me. I betrayed the promise I made you again and I understand if you are angry. I also apologize for this morning. I should have considered your response before I let my instincts take over again, but I did not and it upset you and I’m sorry.” Lexa dropped her eyes in shame. Her apologies were making her relive all of the wrongs she had done to Clarke and she found it unbearable to look into her eyes and watch as the happiness that had been there since they woke up disappear into hurt and anger.
Clarke let Lexa make her full apology, knowing that the Alpha wouldn’t be happy until she’d said everything that she wanted to say, before she responded with a simple, “I’m not angry.”
Lexa’s eyes immediately shot back up to Clarke’s to read the sincerity of her words there. There was no way she was lucky enough to be forgiven so easily, but when she looked into Clarke’s, eyes she could tell the girl spoke true and she was both elated and confused at the same time. Maybe there was a chance for them to form a relationship after all.
Clarke read the confusion in Lexa’s face and elaborated, “I’m not angry, Lexa. I understand what happened. Really, I do. Don’t forget where I come from.” Clarke laughed a bit to try to lighten the mood, but the way Lexa’s face hardened when she mentioned the beliefs of the Ark people made her rush on. “No really, just think about what I grew up with. And you actually stopped yourself. You respected me. I never expected such amazing treatment from an Alpha in my life, so thank you. And I’m not mad. I wanted you. I still want you. But I tried to make you want me back last night and even though you lost control for a second, you respected me enough to know that it wasn’t the proper time for that particular activity and even held yourself back. How could I be mad at that? As for this morning, it was my misunderstanding. I assumed too much. You don’t have any need to apologize for that.”
Lexa listened to every word she said intently. At first she didn’t want to believe it, but the sincerity in Clarke’s face and voice couldn’t be mistaken, so for a moment she just marveled at her good luck and tried to formulate a response and thank Clarke for her understanding, but Clarke beat her to it when she kept talking after a brief pause.
“Really, I should be the one apologizing,” Clarke said. Lexa immediately bristled. Clarke had no reason to be ashamed, heats happen, they are a normal part of life that cannot be controlled and should not be blamed, no matter what Clarke’s people thought. But, before Lexa could voice any of her objections, Clarke continued. “I’m sorry, Lexa. I should have known you would never hurt me and I reacted horribly several times.” Clarke dropped her head in shame and Lexa couldn’t hold back a small growl. Clarke’s only response was to turn her head away from Lexa slightly, further hiding her eyes. She did not let go of her hand, though, which Lexa took as a good sign.
Lexa still berated herself for growling as she gently reached out to cup the Omega’s face and tilt her eyes back up to face her. She was relieved to see that there was no sign of tears, just embarrassment and shame. Choosing her words carefully, she said, “Clarke, you have no reason to apologize either. Your culture and your heat led you to believe that you were in a very dangerous situation and you reacted accordingly. That is nothing to be ashamed of. I am only sad that your life has taught you to fear heat and Alphas so strongly.”
This time it was Clarke’s turn to search Lexa’s eyes for sincerity. When she found it, it gave her the courage to reply cautiously, “Except you. You are the only Alpha I never fear. Even last night, I was afraid of what I expected you to do based on what I’d been taught. You’ve never given me any reason to fear you.”
Lexa’s chest puffed out in pride at the admission and she said, “That is all I have ever wanted Clarke. I wish to be the one to provide you comfort and safety. I meant what I said, Clarke. I love you and I wish to pursue this if you feel the same. But only if you feel the same. I will respect any decision you make on the matter.”
“I do,” Clarke hurried to assure her. “I love you too, Lexa and I want to be with you. I just thought you didn’t want me anymore. After the mountain you acted so cold toward me…” Clarke trailed off.
“I was giving you space,” Lexa replied. “When I tried to initiate courting you, you told me you needed time. So I tried to give it to you and when you didn’t seem to be attempting to get any closer, even when I could sense how strongly you reacted to me, I assumed you had made up your mind that you did not want a relationship with me and so I was giving you space. Respecting that decision.”
Even though she had blushed slightly when Lexa basically said she had been smelling her arousal, Clarke laughed. “Look at us. We really need to start communicating more and assuming less or one of these days we’ll assume something that we can’t fix.”
Lexa smiled slightly in response before asking, “Then is it safe to assume you are willing to start pursuing a relationship with me?”
Clarke’s laughter died out and she replied, “Yes, Lexa. I would like that very much.”
The Alpha inside of Lexa roared out its victory, but Lexa managed to keep her joy mostly suppressed. There was still a good amount of things that needed to be discussed. “In that case are there any rituals or customs that need to be addressed for your people?” Lexa asked.
Clarke frowned in thought. “No?” she replied. “Just the marriage when we have or are officially ready to mate.”
Lexa nodded. “We have the marriage here as well. There are some other customs my people will expect me to perform as we court, but most of those can be discussed later. The only one important now is that I need to declare my intentions of courting you to both of our peoples and then fight off any who wish to challenge me about it.”
Clarke frowned in alarm this time as she asked hurriedly, “Fight off? Like to the death or what? And what challengers? There is no one else interested in mating me. And if there are, no one is stupid enough to fight you for it.”
Lexa stroked Clarke’s face and knuckles gently to calm her. “No, my love. The old ways used to be to the death, but now we just fight to disable and defeat. The challengers do not have to be other potential mates. Parents, superiors, and friends can also challenge if they object to the mating. Your mother, for example, I could see her challenging me.”
“Oh,” Clarke said. “That could happen. I will have to talk with her. Is there anything else I need to know now?”
Lexa shook her head. “No, all other customs are fairly simple and can be discussed after the challenging. I was wondering if I could ask you a question though? It is one you may not want to answer and you do not have to if you do not wish. I understand if I need to prove myself to you more,” Lexa said surprisingly hesitantly.
Clarke tensed slightly. She was pretty sure she knew what Lexa wanted to ask, she had been expecting it, but that doesn’t mean she was any more ready to answer it. She knew she needed to though. It was only fair that Lexa knows before committing herself. She could very easily change her mind after hearing the story. So, she said, “Oh course, Lexa. You can ask me anything,” and hoped for the best.
Lexa took a steadying breath, tightened the grip she had on her Omega’s hand slightly, and prayed she was doing the right thing by asking. “I was wondering if you would be willing to tell me why you reacted so strongly to finding out you were in heat in the presence of an Alpha? It seemed to run deeper than just your culture’s beliefs.”
Clarke closed her eyes momentarily, bracing herself for this conversation before she opened them and said, “Yes, something happened to me when I was young.”
Lexa nodded, she had assumed as much. “You do not have to tell me if you do not wish,” Lexa reiterated, having seen Clarke’s reactions.
Clarke nodded slightly, “I know, but I think you need to hear it, Lexa.”
When Lexa merely nodded in reply, Clarke kept talking slowly, “I started getting heats at a very young age, you see, at 12. And, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, Omega’s are not very highly regarded in my people, so my parents used my mom’s access to medicine to hide what I was from everyone, even myself. For two years, every time I started showing the slightest symptoms of heat they would pump me full of stolen drugs and make it go away. I had no idea. No one else in my class had matured yet, so I didn’t think it was weird I didn’t know what I was yet either.”
Lexa nodded along. That was a very young age to mature, most did not do so until they were at least 15 years and although her parents’ treatment of the situation angered her to no end, Lexa kept silent and maintained a firm, supportive pressure on Clarke’s hand and she listened to the story that was obviously difficult for the girl to tell.
Clarke appreciated the support and kept talking, but she kept her eyes trained on the furs in front of her instead of on Lexa’s just in case. “It was about two years later, like I said, and there was something wrong with one of the air filters. Come to think of it that may have been the start of the problems, but that doesn’t matter now. Anyway, dad was spending night and day down there trying to fix it and there was also some mutated cold virus going around that my mom was trying to deal with, so she was locked down there for several days and I was home alone. That’s when my heat started. I didn’t know what it was, of course, but I remember feeling kind of hot and funny for a day or so and being very confused.”
Lexa kept nodding encouragingly while bracing herself for what was coming.
“School was canceled because of the cold virus,” Clarke continued. “So, I was just kind of sitting at home, confused, when one day one of my parents’ friends stopped by to see my dad. He was their age, an Alpha I’d known my whole life. He and his wife used to babysit me. He was family. But, the second I opened the door and he got a good smell of me, well, he got this strange look in his eyes and grabbed me, pushing me back int-into the room. I-“
Clarke broke off on a sob. Tears were streaming down the Omega’s face now and Lexa was quick to wrap and arm around her shoulders and pull her into Lexa’s chest as the girl kept talking. It was almost as if she couldn’t stop now that she’d started.
“I was so confused. He kept muttering that I was so stupid and he couldn’t believe what I was making him do as he- as he- as he forced himself on me, inside me, all the while hitting me and cussing at me, telling me it was my fault. I was so confused, Lexa.”
Clarke sobbed harder for several minutes while Lexa held her to her chest and rocked her back and forth, muttering sweet words of comfort and support. Lexa’s heart had shattered and she had let a few tears fall herself, but her sadness was quickly replaced by anger as Clarke kept talking after another minute.
“I-he- he even knotted me, Lexa. And I passed out not long after that, so I don’t know what exactly he did. But I woke up in very bad shape and I was alone on the floor. Soon, my parents both came running in. Appar-“ Clarke sobbed again and cleared her throat. “Apparently, he had left and immediately started telling everyone that I was a spoiled little Omega who had seduced her parents’ friend because she was feeling neglected. The whole Ark turned on me after that for a year. Even my mo- even my mom shunned me. She’s the Alpha, you know, so she was inclined to believe her friend. But, my dad listened to me. He understood. That’s why we were always so close afterwards. Until she killed him.” When Clarke finished her head was completely tucked between Lexa’s neck and shoulder and she was sobbing harder than ever.
Lexa held her as she sobbed, rubbing circles on her back and doing everything she knew to try and comfort and calm the hurt Clarke was reliving. The hurt she had made her relive. But, at the same time, she couldn’t stop the seething anger building up inside of her toward everyone involved in that story, except for Clarke, of course. And, there was one more thing she needed to know. So, once the sobs had died down somewhat, she asked quietly, “This Alpha, where is he?”
Clarke fisted her hand in Lexa’s shirt to hold her there just in case the Alpha tried to go on a rampage like the tone of her voice implied as she said, “He’s dead. Don’t worry, he’s dead. A year after it happened he got caught prowling around the Omega heat hallway trying to catch an Omega before they could safely lock themselves safely inside one of the rooms designated for Omegas to ride out their heat away from others. It was discovered that he did that often and was floated for it. That’s when people stopped shunning me for what happened, but I know they still blame me.”
Lexa growled softly at that, but maintained her comforting embrace with Clarke as she said, “Good. He deserves death. I only wish I could have been the one to give it to him painfully, but at least he is dead.”
Clarke nodded into Lexa’s shirt and just let her hold her for a while. She was really glad Lexa didn’t seem repulsed by her now, but she still needed to know if this changed things. So, after several minutes of soft touches and gentle rocking in silence, Clarke dared to start asking, “Lexa?”
The Alpha hummed in response to show that she was listening, but she was also thoroughly engrossed with the task of holding Clarke and absorbing any pain the girl had ever felt.
“I- Do you still want to pursue a relationship with me after this?” Clarke asked after deciding that direct, blunt questioning would be the most effective.
Lexa stiffened and then looked down in Clarke’s eyes in shock. “Of course!” she assured her. “Why would I not?”
“It’s just, I’m not a pure Omega,” Clarke reasoned.
“I never thought you were pure. I knew you had sex with Finn,” Lexa replied.
“Yes, but-“ Clarke started, “But that’s different. He never knotted me. I know knotting is different. My mom told me Alphas don’t like being the second to knot someone. I’d understand if you didn’t want me now.”
“Of course I want you, Clarke. I do not care if you have been knotted before. I have knotted others before and you do not care. I care that you did not want it and that it hurt you. It hurts me to know that. But I love you, Clarke. Nothing will change that,” Lexa said.
Clarke sighed happily and relaxed into Lexa completely again. “Thank you, Lexa. I love you too.”
Lexa started to purr again in response and Clarke was just thinking she could fall back asleep like this, when suddenly she heard sounds of fighting coming from the front of the tent and the body beneath her tensed, ready to protect her.