Afraid
To be honest, these past few weeks have been... pretty good so far.
I was literally dragged by my ear (Which hurted really bad by the way) to Annie's car so we could pick out a suit for her and Mikasa's wedding in two weeks YAY. I can't express my graditude for Annie coming into my sisters life and giving her love<-Nice job Eren, make sure you say that during your speech at the wedding.
We had arrived home after 3 to 5 hours with me picking and Annie trying on different suits for the right one. Let me just say that it was exhausting having to literally demand Annie to pick a suit already because I was starving and I was going betty white up in that place. She eventually settled for a nice velvet red suit with a white button up and I picked a black bow with black dress shoes to match the suit. Honestly, the color brought out Annie's blue eyes and made her blonde hair shine with a new pop... if that makes any sense.
Now I lay in my bed, watching a random show on tv... Drinking.
Yeah... I drink. Have been ever since Levi left me. I had tried to avoid getting addicted but my attempts proved to be futile when the delicous alcohol took away the pain I felt inside. The burning liquid washed my brain of any memories between me and him. Filled my void with false imagination and hope. I knew getting addicted was bad or me but once I started, it was enevitable.
I have been able to resist the urge to drink now a days. Tonight is the night before valentines day and this thought alone brought... unpleasent memories back.
On this night, Levi had asked me out on a date. On valentines day, he had tooken me to a famous resteraunt called Sina foods. It was owned by an old man and his daughter, girl who I had despised for a long time. Petra Ral. Anyway, I figured that if Levi was here she wouldnt do anything like spit in my food because... well you know, who would want to mess with his bitch face and *I will kill you* aura? Besides, her dad loves the shit out of me. I dont know why... probably because I can make Petra break her fake fascade of *Im a sweet innocent bystander of an angel* and make her show her true colors of *Im a gold digging, money hungry whore who ruins peoples relationships for a living*<-Yeah I so went there.
After that dinner, Levi took me to his apartment (not the one he has now) and though we didnt do anything explicit, we did do some sweet and lazy making out in his bed. It was the most special feeling in the world. The feeling of being in his arms, his hands running up and down my sides, his small delicate lips kissing my neck and collarbones. Him just holding me close and showering me with affection was the best thing in my life. Then he was gone after a few months of us being together and just like that I was alone all over again.
But now he is here again and I dont know how to feel about it. He told me about him and Petra nd how he threw her out after he found out what a money thirst skank she was. I had to hold back my laughter at that one.
It had been a rainy night when I had gotten a call from an unknown caller. Usually I dont pick up unknown callers but that night, when I looked at my phone my gut just told me to pick it up. To say I was surprised was an understatement.
We had made amends once Levi persuaded me to meet him at the local park the next day. I did meet him there but I didnt let him bring up the touchy subject about us because I wasnt ready to talk about that with him yet. We talked about what we did the past year and few months ago. I only mentioned the good part which was few and far between. Levi only mentioned the good parts about his life but I kinda figured he didnt have any bad times to tell.
Im just afraid. I am afraid that I let Levi in again and he leaves me for another girl. I really love him and I cant lie or deny it because that would just be wrong. My love for that raven never deceased but over the months of being hurt and living in a dark place full of self hatered, I had built walls around my heart. Hanging with Levi yesterday and seeing how he interacted with Hanji brought back memories. I literally felt my walls breaking and it made me panic. To hide my inner torment, I had hid it behind a smile and a snarky remark but how long can I keep up my 'I am totally not affected by your presence here at all' fascade?
I may not know the answer but I will try. I just have to keep trying.