Wildling

Josh frowns at his reflection, angling his head as he parts pieces of hair to the side. He stretches his spine, toes digging into the tile floor as he tries to see. Josh can feel them, these tiny, aching bumps. But he's unable to actually see them.

Josh swears in frustration, easing back on the balls of his feet, glaring at his reflection with disdain. He runs shaky fingers through his hair, palms sliding along the thick mounds protruding against his scalp. The skin around them is tender, throbbing with every tick of his heartbeat.

A knock comes to the door, startling him. Josh smooths his hair back in place, wincing stiffly as he blinks back tears.

"You okay, man?" Chris' voice calls.

"Y-yeah. I'll be out in a minute." Josh swallows.

He glances back at his reflection, taking in the dark circles, the vacant stare, his ugly, nasty scar that slides along his face like a constant reminder. Now he had bumps, fucking knots symmetrically positioned in two sides of his head. Josh releases a shaky sigh before opening the door. He doesn't know what it means but with his luck, nothing good.

Chris stands in front of him, wiping an eye with his palm. His face is tired, devoid of glasses, a wispy smile on his face when Josh appears. Josh knows it's too early in the morning, too early for Chris to be up when he has school in a couple hours.

"I didn't mean to wake you." Josh says, apologetically, reaching out to rub his boyfriend's arm. He had been sleeping as well when a throbbing pain woke him up. Josh had felt the bumps before, a month ago, but figured he just kept hitting his head on the underside of his bed during nightmares.

"'s okay." Chris yawns, resting his head against the door frame, arms folded across his chest. "You okay?"

Josh nods, throat thick and heavy. "Yeah. Just... had a bad dream."

"You coming back to sleep?"

Josh flips off the bathroom light instead of answering, trailing after Chris' form back to the bed. Josh allows Chris to rearrange them, shifting him on his side and wedging a leg in between his, pelvis flush against his ass and Josh has never understood spooning until they started dating. Chris spooned a lot. Josh just liked being close to him.

"Wanna talk about your dream?" Chris mumbles sleepily into the top of Josh's head.

"Go to sleep, dumbass." Josh responds, idly stroking the hair on Chris' arm.

"Okay, sweetheart."

Josh flushes. "I fucking hate you."

He can feel Chris smiling and it comforts him, warmth coiling along his spine. Chris falls asleep shortly after, tiny snores working their way through his open mouth. Josh let's the sound lull him to sleep, although fitfully due to the fire situated against his skull.

xx

The pain lasts another two weeks before Josh tells his parents about it, fidgeting in the backseat of his dad's SUV as his parents bicker over radio stations.

It had started in early February. Tiny bumps at the top of his head. Tiny bumps that ache when touched. Tiny bumps that weren't cancerous or a potential blood clot waiting to bursts. Tiny bumps that were-

"Antlers. I'm growing antlers." Josh crosses his arms, staring restlessly at the X-ray film. He could see two small crevices lodged into the top of his head, barely noticeable to everyone in the room except him. Malia squints, dark hair falling over her shoulder as she bends closer to the picture. She glances back at Josh, assessing, before turning back to it. Bob stands beside the doctor, appearing cross eyed in his desperate attempt to not laugh.

"You're growing antlers." Dr. Zilch agrees, voice amused but unbothered by the idea. Josh worries his bottom lip, glaring at the X-ray as though it might suddenly combust. It doesn't. Dr. Zilch explains it like a child teething and prescribes Josh pain medication with a sympathetic look. Josh curses into his fist through most of it.

"This is what happens when you have shitty roommates who kidnap you and drag you to mountains in the name of motherly love."

Bob snaps his fingers. "Those damn liberal, college kids."

It's easier now, to joke about it. At first his parents would only get upset which in turn would make him defensive and close off until Alphonse explained it to them as a coping mechanism. It improved significantly after that.

His parents check him out, Malia doting over the idea of what kind of shapes the bones will take. Josh idly hopes they'll be shaped like Ram's so he can bash Chris' face in when he finds out. He's already seeing the amused expression, the slow curl of a smile, that stupid, dumb, amazing laugh. Josh wants to die, popping two painkillers into his mouth as he slumps down into the backseat of his dad's Landrover.

Josh takes out his phone, skimming over the unread messages on the screen. Most of them are from Chris, a couple from Sam and one outrageous picture from Jess of her frighteningly huge Saint Bernard, Benji.

From: Brohan
How'd your appointment go?
I have class until 6 but after
You, me and a vegan pizza from Maggie's
Even that gross tempeh shit you like

From: Climbing Trash
Ashley's inviting you to her party
Chris is coming
You better fucking be there

Josh rolls his eyes, chewing his bottom lip at Sam's message. He and Ashley still weren't okay. Even after their 'talk' last December and Ashley stumbling through her apology with increasing effort, Josh couldn't really move past the fact that she upset Sam and still held some kind of torch for Chris.

From: Joshy Boy
It went okay
I miss you
Sam is bullying me

"Is Chris coming by later? We have the entire Terminator series on IMAX now." Bob glances at Josh through the rear view mirror.

"Dad, stop trying to steal my boyfriend with your nerd shit." Josh groans, slouching down in his seat. "You're in love with him I know but you guys need to chill."

"You're our last kid." Bob smirks. "Our last baby princess who we have to marry off."

"I don't want to talk about marriage ever."

Malia is giggling and Josh wants to punch her, wants to punch both of them but he can't find it in himself to make them stop, even if it's embarrassing and over the top. He refuses take anymore from them. It's been so long since he's heard his mother laugh, since his dad took an interest in anything beyond his fucking movies. And all it took was Josh coming back from a cold hell, coming back crawling from what Hannah and Beth couldn't and his parents finally became parents again through it.

But he also didn't want to talk about marriage or the future or anything beyond the fact that he has fucking antlers growing on his head because of some dead.. asshole, some fucking dead... Josh sighs, tuning out his parents chatter. He focuses on the sound of his heartbeat, inhaling deeply before exhaling. Josh curls his fist against his thigh.

Alphonse said he was improving, that eventually this paining guilt will move aside and blossom into a simple nasty memory. Josh didn't feel like he was improving, just shoving more shit under the rug expecting no one to notice.

Josh fights the urge to call Chris, to curl against the side of the car door and just listen to Chris' voice until he feels okay. But he can't, he doesn't. Josh stares down at his phone, heart thumping when Chris' name appears with a text.

From: Brohan
Is you saying you miss me a yes to pizza?
I miss you too, baby c;
Is it about Ashley's party?

Josh almost smiles but the bones in his face refuse to budge, fingers hovering over the unlock icon. Josh stares, stares down at the message until it fades black and his reflection peers up at him.

"We won't make jokes about marriage anymore." Malia reaches back, taking his knee in her hand. "You both have recovered from a lot. Maybe another year or two."

"Tell him we have IMAX and it'll be by the summer." Bob adds quickly.

"You guys are awful." Josh mumbles, placing a hand over his mom's, purring when her thumb traces over his skin.

"We just want you to be happy, baby."

That was great and all. But he was okay now. He was okay. He was okay when he didn't find out he had growths in his head, okay when Chris showed up at his front door on Christmas with an old projector and Charlie Chaplin films that they watched for hours with Bob. Josh was okay when he didn't have to see anything that reminds him of how different he is than before.

He just found okay.

He could find happy later.

xx

Josh lounges on Chris' couch, jeans unzipped, shirt bunched up around his neck and he considered undressing, really, really considered it but his medication is working well today and he feels sluggish and tired. The bone nubs don't ache as much today, most of the pain meds floating straight to his head. Which led him to being on Chris' couch, barely moving as he waited for his boyfriend to come home from school.

Josh didn't bother with a second semester, too busy dealing with new coping mechanisms Alphonse had him try along with a new bunch of nightmares that were a little too real, a little too much like memories.

The front door opens and closes with a muted hum in Josh's ear. He cranes his neck slowly, tongue lolling out to wet his lips.

"Honey, I'm ho- Josh, what the hell?"

There's a thump resounding somewhere beyond Josh's line of vision, probably a book bag. He can see Chris' frown and the hesitation in his eyes. Josh forces the bones in his face to move.

"Hey, Cochise." Josh slurs, grinning widely.

"Are you dying? Why are you like this?" Chris moves to stand over him, head upside down, staring with an amused expression. "Your drugs working really well today?"

"Mmhmmmm." Josh hums, struggling to sit up. He does so with extreme effort, slouching against the arm of the couch as he tries to take off his jeans. Josh whines helplessly and Chris smiles fondly, moving to sit beside him. He eases the fabric off of Josh's weakly moving legs, smoothing the bunched up shirt down.

"What'd you do today?"

Josh moves slowly, squirming his way onto Chris' lap. Chris sighs heavily, smiling when Josh settles.

"Tried to masturbate. Fixed your stupid coffee maker. I may or may not have bought all of the Starship Trooper movies on blu-Ray." Josh yawns, sliding his hands underneath Chris' first layer of clothing. A purr builds in his chest, vibrating beneath the skin and he's so comfortable and warm.

"Sounds like a good day." Chris mumbles, scratching at the hairs on Josh's neck. Josh cocks his head forward, encouraging Chris to move up further.

"It was. Not the masturbating though."

"Why?"

Josh works his hand through another layer. "'m sleepy and foggy so my drive is shit. I hate my new antidepressants."

Chris' hand glides higher, nails scraping along the scalp easily and Josh presses his face into Chris' neck, limbs numbing and it feels perfect and lovely and- Josh hisses, straightening up with a spine curl, head jerking away in pain from Chris' hand.

Chris blinks up at him, startled. "What was? Josh? What is that?"

Josh buries his face in his hands, temples throbbing. "It's nothing."

"Nothing? You have a fucking knot-"

"Chris, please. Not now." Josh begs, sinking his head into Chris' chest. "Please. Don't. Ask. Okay? Please. I had a good day."

Chris' body is tense under him and Josh fights back a curse, feeling moisture underneath his eyes. He squeezes them closed. Chris sighs, continuing his ministrations carefully around the small protrusions, body still tense. Josh eventually settles down, soft purrs moving against Chris' shirt. He slips his arms back under the second layer, dozing off.

xx

"How long will you be gone?"

Bob is standing in the doorway of Josh's room, propped up against the frame. He has a smug smile on his face which probably means he's going to force Josh into having a dumb conversation.

Josh shrugs, tugging clothes out of his closet. "Sorry. I don't know."

"You gonna tell him about the... Thing?" Bob gestures to the top of his head. It had been a week since Josh found out he was Rudolph reincarnated but that didn't mean he was in a rush to tell his asshole boyfriend.

Josh shrugs again. "Yeah. He'll find out eventually. When the horns start coming in."

"You're growing into a Wendi-man." Bob says, snickering as he watches Josh pack. "No longer boy but a man-digo."

Josh glares at him over his shoulder. "Think I preferred the bird jokes Sam got you guys into."

His friends were dicks. All six of them, plus the one but he refused to see Ashley beyond Sam's fake girlfriend. He was probably just bitter. Josh thinks of the fading scar in his shoulder. He's bitter.

"Look, kiddo." Bob straightens, hands tucked under his armpits. "I know you get... clammy. In regards to Chris and the future but.."

Josh groans from his closet, tugging a shirt on as he kicks his kanken across the floor. He shoves a couple of clothes into the bag, slumping down on the floor. Bob watches him, lips stretched into an amused smile.

"Dad, we barely to live together despite the fact that we've talked about it and I said yes. But dude, no. Stop. You can't marry me off its not 1845." Josh groans again when Bob just raises an eyebrow at him. "Daaaad, leave. You're making me think about dumb things."

"Ah so you have thought about it."

Josh falls back on the floor, pressing the palms of his hand into his eyes. Bob's laugh resonates in the room.

"Alright. I won't bully you. I only get to see you so often." Josh can hear the fondness in his voice. "I.. I've never been around enough to know things beyond Hannah's occasional crush or Beth's girlfriends. But you've always been sort of... private. Your mom and I thought you'd run away with Sam somewhere."

"Sam's a nasty lesbian." Josh snorts, stretching along the floor. "Plus Sam's too classy for a loser like me."

"And Chris is not classy?"

"Definitely don't want to talk about this."

"You will have to eventually." Bob says and Josh shifts to look at him from the floor. Bob shrugs halfheartedly before disappearing out of the room. Josh stares at the empty doorway, eyes narrowing into slits and he's mouthing voiceless words, feeling vaguely annoyed.

Josh doesn't say bye when he leaves, pressing his hand to the horn before pulling out of the driveway. He listens to one of Chris' really shitty mixtapes from high school on the way to his boyfriend's apartment, mind a fuddled haze of blank thoughts.

Chris is waiting for him outside, dressed plainly despite the fact that Josh knows he has on about six layers beneath that sweater. Josh is vaguely worried that Chris' time spent with Emily will make him realize that he's a fashionista and he'll run off to Paris to become some layering God.

"Sup babe." Chris greets as he exits the car.

Josh slams his car door shut. "Shut up."

He hands Chris his bag, walking past him into the apartment building. Chris follows behind him, used to the casual, blunt greeting. Chris' apartment smells like pizza and Lysol and Josh wonders what could have led to the stress cleaning this time. But he doesn't ask, just shrugs out of hoodie and hangs it up on one of the hooks in the foyer.

Chris walks past him into the living room, whistling the Zelda theme.

"You okay?"

"We should get a cat." Josh tells him, slipping into the living room. A cardboard box labelled 'Mm Mm Maggie's' sits on the coffee table along with three opened packages of zebra cakes. Chris joins him from the bedroom, frowning.

"You haven't even officially moved in yet." Chris sits down on the couch. "I can't take care of a cat. They're soft. I can barely take care of you. You're soft. See what I'm saying here?"

"Stop talking about soft things." Josh smiles, plopping down beside him. He wedges himself into Chris' side, ignoring the pleased purr that escapes his lips. Chris wraps an arm around him, fiddling with the PS4 controller in his lap.

"So there's this amazing movie I'm going to make you watch because you made me watch all three Human Centipede movies." Chris says pleasantly but it makes Josh nervous. He watches Chris type in a search for space, watches Chris select the movie, Space Balls, and sighs in relief.

"Oh my god I thought you were going to make me watch Battlestar Galactica again." Josh pats Chris' knee. "Or Dr. Who. I forget how you have decent taste sometimes."

Chris rolls his eyes. "Coming from the guy who loved The Joyride movies."

"They're charming in a bad kind of way." Josh defends, shrugging. Chris makes a noise of acknowledgement before bending down. Josh meets him halfway, fingers grasping at Chris' collar. He slips a leg in between Chris', climbing onto the other's lap.

"Dude, I just wanna watch Space Balls." Chris sighs but kisses back when Josh presses their mouths together. Josh shifts back, grasping the collar of his shirt as he quickly strips it off.

"Feels like I haven't seen you in weeks." Josh says. "Why aren't you touching me?"

"It's been two weeks. Technically." Chris whispers softly, hands sliding along Josh's bare torso. "It took you a long time to be comfortable enough to just take off your shirt."

Josh puffs out his cheeks. "Can we not talk about this?"

"Fine, we won't talk about it." Chris grins lazily, tracing the longest silvery scar with the tips of his fingers. Josh shudders involuntarily, face feeling warm as he leans back in, head tilted to the side. Chris meets him the rest of the way, tongue slipping inside and Josh groans softly.

"Don't think you were this expressive in high school." Chris comments, nipping along Josh's chin, his throat.

"You wouldn't know, would you? Got a couple of guys who can vouch for me though."

Chris bites down hard, tugging the skin with his teeth. Josh presses into him, grasping the top of the couch with shaky fingers.

"Don't talk about other guys, asshole." Chris grinds out, digging his nails into Josh's side as he drags him closer. "Don't."

"Jealous, sweetheart?" Josh smirks and Chris actually growls at him, this hilarious, animalistic noise that Josh almost laughs at if he wasn't being pushed down into the couch.

"Can you tell?" Chris snorts, unbuttoning Josh's jeans. He grabs them by the waistband, tugging until they're on the floor along with Josh's shirt. Josh whistles when Chris pulls off sweater after sweater. Some of the chub is gone. He's more lean than before.

"You keep losing weight, man."

Chris looks down at him, blue eyes dark and intense, filled with something Josh can't decipher. "Don't wanna talk about that."

"Okay." Josh responds easily, reaching for Chris' belt. He works the buckle, sliding it out from the loops. "C'mere, Cochise."

Chris does.

xx

Josh wakes up in Chris' bed, room warm with an orange pink light from the cracked blinds. The bedroom door is closed, gun fire sounding from the other side. He sits up slowly, scratching at the thin trail of hair on his belly. His head feels heavy, nerves tingling as relief spreads through his body like a surge of electricity.

He doesn't ache, but he itches so Josh scratches at his head, tensing up when he feels it. Smooth, velvet covered lumps. Josh hops up from bed, hurrying in the bathroom. He can see them, parting on different sides of his head. Two shapely reddened pieces of bone. He can see them because they're visible, really fucking visible.

"Fuck." Josh grits his teeth. "Fuck, fuck! Fuck!"

The bedroom door opens and Josh tenses up, slamming the bathroom door closed in response. He presses up against it, heart racing around his ribs. Chris tries the doorknob but Josh stays firm against the door. It doesn't budge.

"Josh?"

"I-I'm... Im f-fine." Josh bites back tears, sliding down to the floor on trembly knees. "I'm fine. Just... Just go away. Please."

Josh can hear Chris sigh. "You said you'd stop keeping things from me, Josh. What's wrong? Josh?"

"Go away, Chris."

"You fucking promised, asshole." Chris tries the door again, groaning in frustration. "Let me in, Josh."

Josh shakes his head fiercely, fumbling to press the lock on the doorknob. A cracking thump lands against the door, Chris swearing on the other side. Guilt surges through Josh's chest, but he doesn't budge, sitting on his knees, forehead pressed against the wood.

Josh whimpers, clasping a hand over his mouth. His cheeks are wet, tears slipping through the cracks of his fingers as he cries softly. He barely registers Chris' voice or notices the pale fingers sliding underneath the door.

"Josh? What's wrong?"

Josh grabs at them shakily, pressing his head to his knees as tremors rack through his body. He holds onto ends Chris' index and middle finger, unable to mute the sobs into his hand.

"I'm growing fucking horns."

"What?" Chris' soft voice rings in his ear.

"I... I'm growing horns." Josh repeats, eyes stinging and he squeezes Chris' fingers harder. "As if I didn't have...fuck..."

"Josh, open the door."

Josh shakes his head.

"Baby, please. Open the door."

"Stop calling me that, asshole." Josh hiccups, a small smile breaking across his face.

Chris scratches at the door. "If you come out. I won't. For like a week. That's all I can manage. I have no self control."

Josh releases his fingers, sitting up shakily. He rises to his feet, wiping his face with the back of his hand before unlocking the door. Josh slumps down on the toilet seat, watching the door crack open slowly.

When Chris looks at him, Josh almost starts crying again, the shocked stare burning through his skin like the sun and he hates it, he hates it so much.

"How neat is that."

"I fucking hate you." Josh laughs humorlessly.

Chris stands over him, bending down to stare at the tiny buds. He runs a finger over one and Josh shudders in pain, face hot. Josh swats his hand away, insides burning with mortification.

Chris pulls his hand away, eyes wide. "They hurt?"

He grabs a washcloth from the wicker basket, running it under warm water. Chris wrings it out, fabric twisting in his hands. He holds it out for Josh.

"Yeah." Josh takes it, smoothing it along his palms.

"You're just full of neat things, huh." Chris kneels down in front of him, knees pressed to his chest. He grins widely and Josh finds it distracting so he focuses on it instead of the burning self hate deep inside him.

xx

They grow longer by mid March, when the flowers are crushed in the rain and snow, viciously itching with every slow inch of growth and Josh uses every excuse known to man to pop pain killers ("Dude, they hurt so much. Chris, stop laughing!") and buy beanies, large slouchy beanies to hide his growing pains.

Chris finds it hilarious, wearing the bruises on his arm from Josh's punches like a proudly earned badge.

"Your beanie is cute, honey."

Josh whips around to him, face beet red and resists the urge to punch the shit out of him. But they were in public, more specifically at a film festival downtown. He bites his lower lip instead, Chris clearly amused that Josh can't fully retaliate.

"Dude. Shut up." Josh hisses, blushing harder when Sam spots them in line, a smirk on her face.

"How did I know I'd find you losers here?" Sam waltzes up to them, rolling her eyes at a girl standing behind them who scoffs. She's in tight yoga pants and a slouchy tank top that didn't fit the cold weather.

"Did you steal my tank top?" Josh squints, studying the dark fabric. "I had sex in that."

Sam rolls her eyes again. "Well I had sex in that anime pullover you got blood on so we're even."

Josh gapes. Sam winks at him.

"Anyway. Ashley's here. You didn't come to the party."

Chris shifts his gaze to Josh. "Got distracted."

More like Josh went down on Chris right before they were leaving and promptly delayed their arrival until Chris decided that being inside Josh was relatively more important than his ex girlfriend.

Josh grins like an asshole, Sam glaring at him with so much intensity it ruins how smug he feels. He pouts cutely.

"We had other things to do."

Sam rolls her eyes again. "Sucking dick isn't a qualified excuse in bailing."

"Okay but what about that double date you wanted to do but you ended up fucking Ashley against your bathroom counter? At least we called. You didn't." Josh raises his eyebrows at her and Sam scoffs.

"You didn't have to say it so loud."

Josh cuts his eyes. "Oh but you can tell the entire line that I bailed to suck dick. I'm sure someone here has done that before."

There's a whoop somewhere from the back of the line and Josh gestures dramatically in that direction. "See?"

Ashley is beside Chris by the time the other two pay any attention to him, Sam perking up as Josh's expression darkens. Chris shoots him a pointed look. Ashley smiles at him, cute and bright and he wishes she were ugly so he could justify punching her.

"You guys missed the party." Ashley says sadly.

Chris gives her an apologetic smile. "Josh had a doctors appointment so we got stuck at Alfie's all day."

Sam cringes at the blatant lie but makes no move to correct it. Josh squeezes her elbow, grateful.

"Happy late birthday." Josh tells her sullenly, moving when the line moves. The other three trail after him, Ashley mumbling her thanks. She taps Chris' arm, sneaking a glance at Sam and Josh before speaking softly. Josh turns his back to them, fighting away a frown. Sam slides an arm around his shoulders.

"I know it's hard." She says, bumping the side of her head against his. "It gets better. The feeling. I felt the same way at first. Felt very, very angry. But we talked about it. Seemed better than letting her go. You know what's that's like."

He did.

"She can't have him." Josh looks at Sam.

She gives him a small smile. "I know that and she knows that. Chris has put a great amount of distance between them for you. He's very considerate. He loves you, Josh."

Josh shrugs, turning away. He feels bad, kind of. Jealousy wasn't something foreign to him, he had eight years of it festering inside him like pool of acid. But coupled with the fact that Ashley tried to get Chris to stay at the hospital, tried to get Chris not to go back while Josh was drugged and jostled around those mines, ripping his roommate apart, Josh decided he didn't like her as much as he tried to. Jess supported his endeavor.

"So looks like the double date is happening now." Sam snorts when she hears Ashley giggle from behind them.

"You my date, Sam?" Josh links his arm with hers. Sam rubs his forearm.

"If I wasn't on a strict vagatarian diet. I'd date you, Joshua."

"Thanks, Samantha. I'd be honored to have a classy lady like you at my side." Josh smiles and he means it. Sam winks at him, sliding her hand down to fold against his. A throat clears from behind them, Josh recognizing the sound anywhere but he studiously ignores it, feeling the heat burn into his neck. Josh smiles wordlessly, striding up to the ticket booth counter. He recognizes the guy from a film class.

"Ben! How are you?" Josh greets excitedly.

Ben's bored expression brightens immediately, clasping Josh's hand when the other reaches out.

"Mr. Washington, why the fuck are you not back in Film Criticism this semester? I looked forward to you ripping my ass apart." Ben smiles, leaning against the counter.

Josh shrugs, unable to keep the wide smile off his face. "Taking another break. You know how it is with us crazies."

Ben rolls his eyes. "Oh I know. I spent a summer in a hospital so trust me. I understand. How many ya want?"

"Four." Josh says easily.

"They're on me. Get your ass back here for summer, I can't handle Jibble alone." Ben slides him four rows of tickets towards him with a wink. "And your girl is smokin', bro. No wonder I never stood a chance."

Josh can almost feel his skin melting from Chris' glare but he makes no room to correct Ben, Sam preening beside him with a hair flip.

"Thanks, Ben. I'll see you in the summer."

"Will do, Mr. Washington."

Once they're all settled inside, slotted into the middle row, Chris somehow ends up on his left and Sam on his right with Ashley beside her. The screen flickers.

"You mad, bro?" Josh whispers, fighting the urge to grin. He pushes up the armrests between them.

Chris doesn't respond, jaw clenched tight, shoulders tense and Josh wiggles his face into Chris' arm until Chris lets up and allows Josh to wedge himself against his chest, arm settled around Josh's small frame. Josh vaguely registers the soft kissing coming from his side, focused on the movie in front.

It's a black and white film, flickers of white shadow spreading along the screen as the main character creeps across a darkened room. Chris' arm shifts lower, fingers tracing along Josh's exposed side. Josh flinches, Chris holding him tightly in place. Josh turns his gaze from the screen to Chris, tensing up when those same fingers dip into Josh's pants.

"Dude." Josh whispers, wiggling a bit in his seat. A girl in front of him shifts and Josh stills, biting down on his lower lip. Chris presses a kiss into Josh's clothed head, nosing one of the tender bumps hidden underneath. Josh shudders, trying to focus on the screen. Chris hand moves deeper, slowly caressing the inside of Josh's thigh and for once Josh wishes he didn't wear loose jeans. Josh shifts awkwardly, only seeming to wedge himself further into Chris' space.

Sam places a hand on Josh's arm, jumping at a scare on the screen. Her grip helps distract him from Chris' warm hand, touching and sliding and-

"You okay?" Sam whispers, leaning close to him. Josh nods furiously, glad the dark room hides how hot he feels.

"Gotta pee." Josh answers in a hushed voice, slipping away from Chris' probing hand and back through the line of seats. The cold of the bathroom is a welcome relief, lights hanging low. Josh sits in one of the stalls, skin on fire and he's shrugging out of his jacket. He tenses when he hears the bathroom door open and close.

"Open up." Chris knocks on the stall he's in and Josh reaches up, barely able to unlatch the lock.

"What's wrong, bro?"

"Fuck you, man." Josh whimpers, struggling to his feet. "I don't feel you up during movies unless we're at home."

"I don't flirt with other people in front of you." Chris snorts, huddling Josh against the door. He slides the lock back in place.

"It wasn't flirting. It's Sam."

"Not who I'm talking about." Chris grinds out. He seems annoyed.

"Can't help if I'm hot shit." Josh smirks and something inside Chris snaps. He shoves Josh hard against the door, biting his way into his boyfriend's mouth and Josh moans against him, whimpering and aching when Chris works his pants barely past his ass. Chris turns him around, pressing hard against his shoulder. Josh swallows, relishing in the cold metal of the door.

"Definitely was not expecting this." Josh bites into his hand when Chris presses a dry finger against him. "Don't think you have enough spit for this."

Chris proves him wrong, working him open with something that definitely is not spit until he's panting and writhing.

"Shut up, Josh."

Josh does. Josh is complaint and easy and quiet through the whole ordeal, muffling every moan and whimper and beg into his jacket as Chris fucks him against the bathroom door, hard and bruising and Josh comes in his boxers, dick squeezed against his thigh.

"Fuck me." Josh hums, feeling sore and limp and really fucking good. Chris slides Josh's jeans back on and Josh can feel come leaking out of him when he moves.

"You're an asshole. I can feel it. This is gross. Do you just bring lube with you?"

Chris kisses him softly again and again until Josh melts in his hold with a steady purr. Josh forgives him.

"Really just wanted an excuse to fuck you in public." Chris smirks, helping Josh fix his clothes.

"You have any idea how hot you are? I'm fucking sold. I'm whipped. You got me, man." Josh mumbles, leaning up to kiss Chris again.

Sam is a bit miffed when they both return to their seats, Ashley embarrassed but neither say anything after the movie when Josh noticeably limps as he walks.

"Buy me food so I can forget you didn't have sex in a movie theater." Sam bitches.

Josh buys her two sodas and a veggie burger.

xx

"I'm assuming your short time in the mines might have started another stage of evolution." Alphonse remarks, studying Josh's red horns closely. He's wearing a monocle, appearing more like a rich grandpa at a banquet than a psychiatrist.

"So they'll fall off?"

"Probably in the winter." Alphonse nods, moving back to his seat. He tucks the monocle into his breast pocket.

"That's the best news I've heard all fucking month, Alfie." Josh slouches down in his seat, scratching the skin around one of the bumps. "Chris thinks it's hilarious. He said if it lasts until Christmas I should dress up as Rudolph."

Alphonse's eyebrow twitches. "I'd like pictures if possible."

"I hate you. You're just as bad." Josh grumbles unhappily. He drapes a leg over the arm of his chair, staring up at the familiar ceiling. He's been here so many times in the past two years, studying the arches, the long line of old books.

"You said you were dealing with self hatred again. My opinion is that the horns aren't helping."

Josh sighs. "No. They're not. I thought I was becoming... okay. Then it happened."

"Progress takes time, Josh. Look how far you've come."

Josh snorts out a laugh, folding his hands over his stomach. "I still eat a fuck ton, I can't gain weight, I'm literally chirping every time I see Chris because I'm so happy and I can't seem to wrap my head around it. Don't even get me started on why I still have friends."

"Some of those sound a lot like progress."

"No they don't."

"This is the first time you've admitted out loud to being happy, Josh."

Josh stills, searching his memories for a counter but he can't find any. He brings his legs to his chest, fitting into the seat of the chair, his back to Alphonse.

"My parents think I should marry him."

Alphonse makes an 'ah' noise. "And what do you think?"

"That I don't want to think about it. I told him I'd move in but I.. I can't. I'm pretty much there everyday anyway but it just.. feels final. Like I'm doing this. I'm doing this and I want to but I'm scared."

"Have you discussed this with Chris?"

Josh shakes his head. "He already knows I scare easy. He'll think I'm running away again."

"Is that what this is?"

"No." Josh sighs. "It doesn't feel like it. I'm just... I'm just here."

"That's okay too." Alphonse tells him. But it didn't feel okay. It felt a lot like stringing Chris along.

"I would marry him."

Alphonse chuckles, deep and old and Josh loves the sound of how many years are behind that laugh.

"There's always time."

Josh looks back at him. "Do you think he'd wait?"

"Of course he would."

xx

Mike sits on his left, Matt on his right and they're all staring, kinda enchanted, a bit turned on as Emily cooks in the kitchen, hair up in messy, slouched bun, crop top falling off her shoulder, in sweats and she just tosses the tofu in the skillet like a pro, flipping and twisting and oh, that's fire.

Josh flinches back, panicked but Matt wraps a hand around his thigh. Emily shoots him an apologetic look.

"Forgot. At least you don't smoke." She says, turning back to the frying pan.

Mike leans over to him. "Isn't it hot?"

"A bit mesmerizing." Josh agrees once his heart rate slows down.

Matt whispers in his ear, a hand still on Josh's thigh. "She's really good with her hands."

Josh feels a bit flustered, swallowing thickly when Matt gives his thigh a slow squeeze before removing it.

"Are they trying to seduce you?" Jess comes into his field of vision in a dress, bouncing up to Emily.

"Yes." Josh whimpers and Mike makes a noise of protests.

Matt shrugs. "I mean, if he's down."

"Don't think Chris would like that." Emily smirks, kissing Jess on the cheek when she brings over a plate. "Thank you."

Jess blushes. "Y-yeah. You know how he is."

"Okay but he can join." Mike says as if it's obvious and Josh really doesn't want to be having this conversation. He just came over to hang out because the apartment is lonely and he can only handle so much of his parents before he wants to vomit.

"Let's not talk about this." Josh squeaks, clearing his throat.

"Someone's interested." Matt muses.

"I agree, babe." Mike smirks.

They high five over Josh's head and he fights back a groan, regretting ever stepping foot into Mike's apartment. Emily hands him a bowl of sautéed tofu, rice, something green and shredded carrots. Matt is in his space again, sniffing with enthusiasm. Emily shoves a bowl in his chest.

"Leave baby alone. He doesn't need to go home smelling like thirst." Emily chastises.

Josh thinks he loves her. He spoons a mouthful of rice in his mouth, savory juice from the tofu sinking against his taste buds. Josh doesn't realize he's purring until Mike snorts beside him, mumbling something about how cute it is. Emily points a spatula at him, eyes glittering and Mike shuts up. Jess giggles from her seat on the counter.

"This is fucking amazing." Josh moans around another mouthful and Matt tenses beside him.

"You gotta stop, man." Matt says, picking at the food in his bowl.

"I'm sorry. But your girlfriend is a goddess." Josh responds smoothly. Emily hops up on the counter beside Jess, bowl in hand. She lets her hair down, wavy coils stumbling down her shoulder.

"Sounds about right." Emily agrees.

"How's your therapy going?" Jess asks from beside her, looking a Josh with a spoon in her mouth. He shrugs.

"It's okay."

"Your parents marry you off yet?" Emily jokes, the muscles in her face barely moving.

Josh wrinkles his nose. "Let's not talk about that. How's your dogs?"

"Ready for some quality time with Joshy." Jess grins. Josh had realized the moment he stepped into Jess' apartment, immediately seized by three very large, very big dogs, that he'd never go back.

"Not gonna happen." Josh cringes. "Your dogs are scary."

"That's still funny to me." Mike forks a heaping amount of food in his mouth.

"Don't they not like you?" Josh glances at Mike out the corner of his eye, noting how the other clams up. Matt snickers from his side.

"Ha. Ha. You guys are a real riot." Mike mumbles, suddenly grumpy and Jess laughs at his sad facial expression. They huddle together on the couch, Josh squeezed in the middle because "you're like a personal heater, holy curly fries, Josh" and Jess is cold so she slides her arms around him while Mike occupies his side, Matt leaning against Jess, Emily texting from Mike's lap.

Josh sits through four episodes of New Girl, confused and restless by the end of the fourth because they're on the 3rd season and Josh doesn't know what's happening. Chris stops by sometime between the fifth episode, taking in the human huddle on the couch with an amused look.

Josh chirps excitedly, dislodging himself from the couch to walk over to him. "Hey, how was class?"

"Okay. Went grocery shopping so guess what we get to do today?"

"Breakfast for dinner?" Josh frowns, confused.

Chris huffs with an eye roll, but smiles. "No. Just means we get to stock the fridge."

"That's not exciting." Josh pouts but grabs his jacket from the kitchen table anyway, strangely pleased by the idea of putting up groceries with Chris.

"You stealin' your boy back?" Jess asks, draping herself over Matt's lap.

"We invited your boyfriend to a threesome. He denied our advancements." Mike says sullenly. Chris raises an eyebrow at Josh, a brief flash of doubt. He looks away from Josh making a joke about something Josh isn't listening to because he's focused, too focused on that short look in Chris' eye.

"Let's go." Josh says, tugging on his jacket. He waves bye to their friends, heading towards the door before Chris properly says goodbye. Josh saw doubt, saw hesitance, saw the beginnings of Chris not believing that Josh would say no to that. It stings. It stings a lot.

"You okay?" Chris asks as they walk shoulder to shoulder to the elevator.

"Yeah." Josh lies, studying the floor intently.

The elevator dings open, Josh stepping inside first before Chris. He knuckles the button for the lobby, light elevator music filling the silence. Josh can feel Chris glancing at him but he never looks, transfixed on the closed doors.

Josh tries to avoid interacting until they get home but he only gets as far as his car before Chris is grabbing his arm.

"What's up?"

Josh shrugs his hand off. "What's up with you? Why did you have that look on your face?"

Chris frowns. "What are you talking about?"

"Like you didn't believe what Mike said." Josh snaps, nostrils flaring. "That I'm so fucking horny all the time that I'll just fling myself at anyone. Don't know if you noticed, asshole, but you're the only person I want inside me or near me ever when I actually want sex."

Chris stares at him, lips parted and he's a bit dumbstruck. He tucks his hands into his jacket pockets, sighing heavily. "Yeah I know."

"Then what's up, man? You know how shitty that feels when it seems like your boyfriend doesn't trust you?" Josh wants to add 'again' at the end, because it's a road they've been down before.

"I do trust you, Josh." Chris says helplessly.

"Then don't look at me like that. Please." Josh swallows, nervous and jittery. "It makes me feel awful."

"I'm sorry." Chris reaches out his hand to touch Josh's arm but the action aborts halfway and his hand retreats back to his pocket. "I'm working on it."

"And what about you, huh? What about you and Kimbel or you and Dennis?" Josh twists his mouth to the side. "I flirt. You actually kiss and do shit. But you don't trust me."

Chris looks at him miserably. "Josh-"

"I'm pretty fucking understanding all things considered, Chris. I'm pretty understanding that you.. have options and things to take into consideration." Josh interrupts, feeling helpless and irritated and bitchy. He stares at Chris, white air collecting around his mouth but he can't feel the chill in the air, can't feel the numbness in his feet and for once he wished the cold bothered him so it'd explain why he feels so sick and awful. He wishes the mountain didn't take away so much this time. Chris takes a step back, turning slowly to the side.

"I'll see you at home." Chris says, walking towards his car.

Josh wishes he didn't feel like shit.

xx

Chris sleeps on the couch a lot afterwards, falling asleep to movies he'd only watch if Josh wasn't there. It hurts. Because Chris is barely speaking to him beyond school and therapy. He won't touch Josh, won't let him curl into his side and it reminds Josh of the time before the reunion, when Chris would fight him on everything. But fighting was better than this silence.

It remains like that for a week but it feels like a month, dragging Josh ragged and raw, so he drives home after he's woken up alone for the seventh time in a cold bed, leaving behind clothes he doesn't really wear.

Chris doesn't call, doesn't text so Josh doesn't either. He sits in his room and draws, sometimes paints while sitting on the floor with the windows open. His parents don't ask so he doesn't volunteer information. He knows they're worried.

Josh thinks it's hope that causes him to start working on his Christmas gift for Chris. Hope and maybe naivety because here he is with cuts on his fingers and glitter in his hair as his thumbs blacken with charcoal that he spreads along the canvas.

He thinks its hope.

It's his first month alone by not his own choice and it's awful.

xx

Collie sticks her bare feet out the window, painted peach toes wiggling against the air. She smells a lot like blueberries and bread, her hair in colorful beads and threads of silk. Sometimes she reminds him of Lexi because of how she talks and because her hair feels like fine wool. Sometimes she reminds him of Chris cause of how easily she makes him smile.

"He's mad with you?" Collie asks, head resting against the passenger seat, legs out the window. She angles her head to look back at Josh, whose on his stomach, feeling dying petals of flowers with his fingers in the backseat. The door is swung wide open, sweet spring air floating inside. A lady bug crawls onto his index finger.

"I don't know." Josh admits, watching the small insect crawl down his arm. He didn't. But this felt like a fight. His antlers are longer, beginning to shed the velvet from the bone. The longer they grow, the more strange he feels. Like he's oozing out sick feelings. Collie made him a flower crown from daisies and daffodils and weaved it into the hair around his horns. She might've snapped a picture but he doesn't remember. Josh never told Collie the full story but he told her he was fucked up and she'd only smiled in response.

"This is a nice place." Collie smiles.

"I used to bring my sisters here." Josh sets the ladybug onto a flower petal and folds his arms under his chin, staring out at the expanse of dying flowers. Josh never understood how anything grew out here where it's so cold and barren. Hannah said it was magic.

"Do you think about them?"

He visits their graves twice a month, setting new flowers on their tombstone and describing his progress in great detail. Sometimes he'd just stare at the marble stone until his legs collapse and he'd cry.

"Sometimes."

"My, what a life you've had." Collie says dreamily. "Anyone else would've given up but you didn't. How admirable."

"It's not that noble."

Collie giggles. "No, but it is very brave."

She brings her legs in, swinging to climb into the backseat. Collie settles over him, soft body pressing down into him with a small sigh. She prods gently at the base of his horns, rotating the shifting bone.

"I hope they curl."

Josh laughs at the thought of him with large curling antlers dropped around his ears like a medallion.

"You miss him?"

Josh sighs. He missed Chris a lot, everyday it seemed. Josh considered just letting him go to, just ending everything so he could concentrate on the hollowness inside him.

"You should talk to him."

Josh crushes another flower. "Okay."

xx

Chris is in his room when he gets home, flipping through an old sketchbook with a bored expression. He looks up when Josh enters, closing the door behind him, but doesn't speak, remains quiet and watching until Josh is crawling up into Chris' lap, straddling his hips and taking the sketchbook from his pliant hands.

Josh bends down, running his fingers through Chris' hair, mouths brushing against one another with small hitches forward. Chris places a hand on his waist, eyes sliding closed as he closes the distance between them.

"I'm sorry." Chris whispers, hands moving underneath Josh's shirt. The fabric hooks on his fingers, dragging it up as he feels the warm skin beneath his palm. Josh nods, meeting Chris' hands halfway. He pulls off his shirt easily, settling back into Chris' lap. They stare at each other quietly.

"I visited Kimbel." Chris tells him.

Josh swallows thickly. "Okay what does that mean?"

He feels nervous, worried and these feelings sit along his ribs like a dulled ringing.

"It means I'm sorry."

But Chris was always sorry, he was always- Josh shakes his head, sitting back on Chris' knees as he wraps his arms around his bare torso, eyes locked on the ugly, silver scars that are wrapped along his stomach. Chris wanted normal. It's what he ran too, it was his clutch.

"Josh."

"You keep doing that." Josh whispers, voice trembling. "You tell me I'm running away but.. You keep doing that, why? Is it because I'm sick?"

"No, Josh."

"Then what is it?" Josh snaps. He wipes his face furiously, hot tears sliding down his cheeks. Chris pulls him close, nose tracing the side of his face. He thumbs away tears, pressing kiss after kiss against Josh's temple.

"I'm just scared, Josh."

Chris traces the plum circles under his eyes with his thumb, dragging it down along the scar until it presses into the discoloration of his mouth. Chris holds his gaze, spreading his hand along Josh's cheek, leaning forward to kiss him.

Josh moves against him, arm bending along the headboard as he eases Chris backwards. He can feel hardness pressed into his thigh. Josh wonders if Chris kissed her, if he held her close or if he fucked her. He wants to ask but he's scared.

"You left so I went over. Let her kick my ass a bit and tell me about the cute trans girl she's dating." Chris explains as if reading Josh's mind. "That's it."

"Okay." Josh mumbles.

"We didn't have sex. Or anything." Chris tells him, keeping their bodies close together.

"Okay." Josh kisses him again, arching up into Chris' hand as it smooths along his spine. "Do you love me?"

"So much. I love you so much, Josh." Chris replies, mapping the expanse of Josh's skin with slow moving hands. "I'm trying."

"I know."

"I'm not trying to hurt you."

Josh nods. "I know. I know. I just-"

Chris' thumb drags over his nipple, Josh's breath hitching so Chris does it again, rolling the bud under the rough pad. Josh whimpers, clutching at the bed frame, skin rippling with low purrs.

"Feel good?"

Josh nods, biting his lower lip, as Chris' hand dips lower, sliding along the curve of his abdomen, over his belly button. Chris wraps his other hand around the back of Josh's neck, pressing their foreheads together.

"Kiss me." Josh whispers, shaking with anticipation and his mind is static.

"Okay." Chris does, soft and easy, popping the buttons on Josh's pants open with practiced ease. Josh bucks up when Chris' hand folds around the bulge in his briefs.

"I-i thought.." That Chris wouldn't come back.

Chris shushes him, hand inside of Josh's pants, moving and pressing and twisting and Josh bites into his arm to keep from moaning too loud. Chris nips at the nape of his neck, eyes never leaving Josh's face. Josh wants to say he thought it was over. That everything was over.

"I love you." Chris whispers, stroking Josh through the thin fabric until he's buzzing and shaking. Chris watches, watches the tremors, the quivering arms as Josh's eyes close with a soft moan. "I love you."

Josh crushes their lips together. "I love you. I love you so much, Chris."

Chris eases Josh onto his back, climbing on top of him. He looks down at Josh, expressive blue eyes filled with so, so much feeling. Josh lifts a hand to caress the underside of his chin, feeling the beginning of stubble.

"I love you too, baby." Chris replies easily.

Josh believes him.

xx

The more they grow, the less balanced he feels. He cries a lot, heavily tuned in with every negative emotion that flickers through his mind. Chris has to force him to take his pills sometimes, has to drag him to therapy most days, where he'll sit in that same old recliner and stare at the hardwood floor as Alphonse tries to talk to him.

Try being the operative word.

He sees Cooper in his dreams, body broken and mangled and horrible. Cooper doesn't tell him to eat, doesn't try to coax his rotting flesh into Josh's mouth. He just stares. And stares while Josh's antlers grow and curl as the bones inside him stretch until they're breaking the through his skin.

The nights are the worse. He wakes up screaming sometimes, wakes up to his mom wrapped tight around him and her quiet, terrified murmurs.

Josh doesn't leave his room, shutting the blinds tight and sleeping underneath his bed when he doesn't want to see Chris or anyone, which is almost everyday. Josh wonders if he's sleeping with Kimbel again or someone new, wonders if Chris is passed all this, passed every awful emotion they ever created when they're together.

"Still hiding under the bed?"

Josh doesn't move, turned on his side, one of his dad's jackets balled up underneath him. He sees a shadow move along the edges of his bed, boots clamoring in front of him, covered in snow and dirt. Josh rolls to his other side, dragging the jacket over his shoulders.

There's a shuffling noise above him, the drop of clothes on the bed, the kick of heavy boots. Thick arms wrap around him, face pressing into his neck and all he can smell is fire and wood deep in the forest. Josh purrs noisily in turn, irritated by his body's natural response to Chris' presence.

"Which one?" Josh knew his parents were concerned, especially after he snapped at his mom with a snarl the last time they had spoken. He should probably apologize.

"Your mom let me in."

"Why are you here?"

"Missed you." Chris whispers softly, spooning Josh close to him. Josh shifts against him, turning to face the other. His horns drag along the underside of the bed with a sharp noise.

Chris' face is thinner, eyes a bit more tired and he has dark blonde hair growing along his cheeks.

"You look tired." Josh whispers and Chris cracks a small smile.

"I love you." Chris tells him instead, staring intently at him. Josh averts his gaze. He takes in the wrinkled shirt Chris is wearing and how it fits a lot looser than before. Josh isn't sure if time passed faster than he anticipated or if Chris just wasn't eating again.

"Chris-"

"I spent thanksgiving alone again. I spent it alone and I miss you." Chris says, tracing the bow in Josh's lip with the tip of his index finger. His thumb follows, hand sliding along Josh's face. Josh shrinks away but Chris only follows, pressing impossibly close to him. Josh stares at the center of Chris' chest.

"Why are you here, Cochise?"

"I'm here for you." Josh looks up at him, frowning at the words and how they warm the chill deep inside him. A smile drags its way across Chris' face. It's stunning. Josh flushes.

"You wanna get married?"

"Oh my god, not you too." Josh groans, burying his face in Chris' shoulder. Warm fingers brush along the nape of his neck, carding through his hair.

"They've grown." Chris remarks, lightly touching the smooth base of the bone. "Too bad they aren't silver."

"Stop touching them." Josh whines, turning his head away. Chris chuckles deeply, leaning in slowly. Their lips meet briefly and it can't even be called a kiss because Chris backs up before Josh can even respond with a fucking smirk that has him yearning.

"Marry me."

"We've barely gotten passed our insecurities and infidelities and general shit and you want me to marry you?" Josh asks incredulously.

"Yes." Chris answers simply.

Josh swallows. "You know what this means right?"

"No running away, no kissing girls, no sleeping with girls, no guys, no talking to Ashley on the DL. No more stress cleaning." Chris rattles off word after word, naming various things that would be deemed unacceptable. Josh listens to them in some kind of haze.

"That means just me."

"Told you ten years, plan for twenty."

Josh frowns. "I-"

"I told you, you're it. Not Kimbel, not Dennis or Danny or whatever his name is, no one. Just you. You're it." Chris assures him, hand still curved along the side of Josh's face.

"No kissing anyone else?"

"Nope. Just you and your nestled bundle of warmth." Chris says easily and Josh can feel himself smile. He might be blushing, might be staring at Chris like he's the sun because he is. The sun that the universe handed to him, the sun he wants burning his hands, his insides, his being until it melts right out of him.

"Ask me later."

"About marrying you?" Chris raises an eyebrow and Josh nods, embarrassed. Chris sighs, still smiling, and leans in to kiss him. Josh holds Chris close, pinching at his arm when Chris laughs at how the purring becomes a whistle.

xx

His antlers don't curl like Collie wanted or silver, they don't grow straight and long, instead they spread out, white bone smoothing off in the middle, curving outward into tiny dulled points. Chris helps him chip off the rest of the red film. Josh restlessly scratching through the most of it.

Chris thinks they're beautiful, making sure to say so each day. Josh is vaguely suspicious that Chris and Alfie are talking. But he enjoys the sudden attention, blooming with warmth each time Chris whispers a compliment in his ear.

"Ya think about it?" Chris asks, feeling along the short base bone of Josh's antlers.

Josh shrugs, correcting an error in a manuscript. He changes a stage direction, a shiver running down his spine when Chris tugs lightly.

"No." Except he had because everyone around him has asked and Josh guesses that's what happens when you start to improve. People want normal, stability. People wanted that for Josh.

He understood. He did.

"You should think about it." Chris presses a kiss to the top of his head before shifting in bed, tugging a blanket over his shoulder. He wraps an arm around Josh's waist, face pressed into his side.

Josh stares at the same page for twenty minutes, Chris asleep beside him, pulse pounding in his head.

xx

"He asked you to marry him?" Sam stares at him wide eyed, a handful of popcorn moving towards her mouth. They're in the Washington theater, legs propped up in the seat. Josh wedges his foot underneath Sam's butt. Her legs are draped on his sides.

"Yeah. I didn't invite you over to talk about this." Josh huffs, grumpily.

Sam reaches out to tug on a small branch of his antlers. She rubs her thumb along it, marveling at its smooth finish.

"These are so cute. I'm sad they'll fall off."

"I'm not. I have cabin fever." Josh admits, stealing popcorn from Sam's lap. She glares at him. "How are you and lava girl?"

"We're better. Nothing like angsty sex to really get your blood boiling." Sam mumbles. "Chris told her, about the proposal. So I kinda knew already but I thought maybe she was just talking trash. Wow, Chris wants to marry you."

"How'd she take it?"

Sam gives him a sad smile. "I'm here, aren't I?"

"You can't use me to avoid your hasbian girlfriend." Josh responds, a bit annoyed. He figures this was him in high school though, just instead of Sam, it was Chris.

"I'm not. I wanted to see you. We're best friends." Sam smiles, flicking popcorn at him. "What are you going to say?"

Josh looks at her. "I don't know. Everyone thinks I should say yes. I think I should say yes."

"But?"

"Sam, we haven't had an easy year since high school. This is probably the closest thing to normal we've had and I've sprouted antlers. Antlers who my psychiatrist has pictures of along with me in a fucking red nose because he and my boyfriend are dicks."

Sam giggles. "I want a picture."

"Fuck you, lesbo."

"You're scared, aren't you?"

Josh looks at her, looks at her and her knowing smile. He wasn't scared that the guy he was dating and loved and kinda held a torch for for 13 years wants to marry him. He's not scared.

"I'm fucking terrified." Josh sighs heavily, staring down at the kernels in his hands. His fingers shine in the movie light from the butter. He studies them intently, breathing into the silence.

"He didn't kiss anyone this time we weren't talking."

"Not that I condone cheating because, unlike you insatiable animals, I am pure. Chris didn't know he wanted you as bad until he kissed you while he was dating Ashley. I'd take this as an improvement."

Josh frowns. "He broke up with Ashley for me."

"But he didn't break up with you for anyone else." Sam reminds him, eyebrow raised. "You're both stupid and self destructive but you're getting better. And maybe, maybe marriage can wait but you should move in at least."

Josh considers her words. He flings popcorn at her. "Just break up with your fake girlfriend and date me, Sam!"

Sam laughs. "Could you imagine how easy our lives would be?"

He could.

xx

Josh does move in, right before Christmas, using Chris' spare key ("it's your key, Josh. Stop being a baby.") while Chris is visiting Jess. He knows because he told her to distract him with her ridiculous dogs.

Regardless, Josh moves in, his old room left barren aside from his bed. His mom didn't cry but his dad did and they helped him pack his car up with a promise to call. Fitting himself into his car was the actual problem when his antlers would snag on everything. He leaves Chris' gift behind in his room.

Josh is organizing his desk and art supplies and easels when Chris comes home. He looks up to see Chris standing in the doorway of their room, appearing a little dumbfounded.

"'Sup bro." Josh holds up a hand, turning back to his work.

"You moved in?"

"I dunno. My cars parked out front. All my shit is here and in your fucking, messy clos-"

Josh is spun around, pressed up against the desk- oh, there's a mouth on his. Chris smiles against him, hugging Josh close to him and okay, it feels nice, really, really nice.

"Does this mean I have to share my gummy bears?" Chris asks softly, shrugging off his jacket.

"Yep. The entire 5 lb bag of gummy bears, Cochise." Josh smirks, patting the other's shoulder, and Chris kisses him again.

xx

"You moved in with him? I'm very proud of you." Alphonse smiles, bundled up in a long leather jacket and white scarf. For once, they aren't in his luxurious office, sitting across from each other, instead they're outside a bookstore downtown, Josh wearing tiny bells in his hair because he can only handle being inside for so long and it's Christmas Eve so no one stares at his antlers, just his scar which was a bit easier to handle.

"Thanks." Josh beams, taking out a thin wrapped present from his bag. It's silver and black with a mesh bow. He hands it to Alphonse, who takes it with a raised eyebrow.

"You're the best, Alfie. The absolute best." Josh says. "You said you liked illusions so I hope that's kind of close. Thank you for meeting me."

"Of course, Joshua." Alphonse responds, cradling the package to his chest like its something precious. "I expect you to bring monopoly at our next session. I'll show you how to actually beat me."

Josh rolls his eyes, unable to stop his smile. "God, you're so mean to me."

"I imagine that people are harder on family than anyone else."

"You consider me family?"

Alphonse, for the first time ever, rolls his eyes in smug fondness, nodding slowly. Josh blushes.

xx

Josh gives Chris his gift at 12, during a very intense session of DDR. They're in the living room, surrounded in white fairy lights ("They're Christmas lights, Josh." "Cochise, if you don't shut the hell up.") and a modest tree stands up in the corner, the underneath barren and empty because they agreed no gifts, even though they bought gifts for everyone else.

Chris is laughing beside him, these heaving, lovely sounds as he tries to get his breath caught up. There's a redness in his face, smile so wide it seems like it hurts and it's such a nice thing to see when it feels like Josh hasn't seen Chris smile in years.

He leaves his boyfriend in the living room, lying underneath the soft lights and tugs a canvas, wrapped in brown paper and twine, from the storage closet in the hallway. It's heavier than he remembers, carefully carrying it back into the living room. He had moved it to the apartment sometime earlier this week after his mom forced him to go grocery shopping with her.

Chris looks up at him, slightly breathless, glasses a bit crooked. "What's that?"

"It's for you." Josh says, propping it up against the wall. Chris straightens, eyebrows raised, and he's wiggling over to it with an excitement that has Josh nervous. He watches Chris undo the twine, watches him peel away the brown paper until the inside is lain bare underneath the light.

It sparkles faintly, all silver and gold and shining black coal, blinking like stars with sunflowers weaved along the edges in patterns that reminded Josh of wood on fire and it's not the best he's done because he's rusty and it's been too long since he's worked with color but Chris' staring at it with his mouth open, barely touching the lines as he looks it over. He stares at the cosmos, the sunflowers, the blackened blinking silver and gold and there's a sun, smoldering in yellow velvet and reds and oranges.

Josh muses the idea of it being one of those portraits you see in the museum and wonder how it got there. The look Chris gives him makes him think that maybe there's something there he can't see, some hazy part of his soul that only grows through pain that he's left behind and laid out for Chris to see.

He doesn't ask if Chris likes it because it's a bit obvious in the way Chris touches him. They can't hug like they used too but Chris touches the side of Josh's neck, thumbs brushing against his lips with a distracting tenderness.

"Thank you."

Josh marvels at Chris' smile.

xx

Josh's parents come to them for Christmas, Malia dressed up in white silk and furs while Bob hangs out in a ratty old pullover that might be Josh's, might be Beth's. No one is sure. But they come, bearing unnecessarily expensive gifts and a projector because Chris mentioned once, eight months ago that his TV was an older Samsung flatscreen. Clearly Bob Washington deemed that unacceptable.

"This is awful."

Chris nudges him, smiling fondly. They're on the couch, side by side, his parents slow dancing in the living room center to Christmas carols. It's cute, more over the top nonsense that Josh is forced to bite through because he wants his parents happy.

Chris stands dramatically, slightly bowed, dressed in a godawful sweater and holds out his hand.

"No." Josh says firmly, folding his arms over his chest. Chris only smiles and Josh flushes like a dumb sap and takes his hand, dragged to his feet in a less than graceful motion. His mother giggles from somewhere behind Chris' shoulder and Josh only blushes harder, trying to concentrate on not stepping on his boyfriend's feet.

He can't press into Chris like he usually would because he's slightly shorter with antlers that might knock his boyfriend's glasses off so they stand at a middle school dance distance, Chris chuckling over Josh's embarrassed lip biting. Malia snaps a picture and Josh actually groans because of course.

"I'm going to get this framed."

Chris' laugh drowns out whatever slur of curses Josh spits out. His parents order take out because no one actually planned for Christmas beyond buying shit. Ashley and Sam pop up during Josh's forced viewing of Terminator, Chris and Bob talking over his head with unnecessary enthusiasm. They weren't even good movies.

"I didn't know your parents would be here." Sam whistles, trailing after Josh into the kitchen. "Family's a neat thing though."

"You go see your mam and pap?" Josh asks, scouring the fridge for the sake of not being squeezed on the couch.

"Yeah I did. Papa's not doing so good but they were happy to see me."

Josh closes the fridge door, leaning up against it. "They meet Ashley?"

Sam grins. "They loved her."

Josh sighs relieved. "Oh thank god. Christmas Miracle."

"She finally told me she loved me." Sam tacks on, her grin fading into a pleased smile and Josh has never felt so happy for someone else. He wants to hug her but he's afraid because antlers. They settle for a handshake instead, laughing at the formality.

"Chris like his gift? I'm still jealous over that shit." Sam shoots him a pointed look.

Maybe like wasn't a good word for it. Maybe love wasn't either. Regardless Josh had caught Chris staring at the picture in their room enough times to know that his effort was appreciated.

"I bought you one of those climbing wall things, what else do you want from me?" Josh waves his hands.

"But not everyone gets a rare Josh Washington artwork. Mr. Heinz couldn't even get a fucking drawing out of you!" Sam exclaims. "You must really love him."

Josh blushes. "Shut up, Sam."

Ashley bounces into the kitchen, her cheerful demeanor dimming when she notices Josh. She tucks a lock of red, red hair behind her ear and Sam waves two fingers before she's leaving. Leaving Josh and Ashley alone. Josh tenses up.

"I'm sorry." Ashley looks at him, practically oozing determination. "I'm sorry about everything. I'm sorry about the mines and the hospital."

"Ash-"

"No, please. Just listen." Ashley smiles sadly. "I'm sorry, Josh."

"Okay." Josh sighs, rubbing his forearm. "Me too. About the prank and uh, stealing your boyfriend. I'm sorry. Too. I'm sorry too."

"I love Sam." Ashley tells him. "I love her and it wasn't as cut and dry like it was with Chris but I think that's what makes it better. Having someone wait it out with you. Having someone there through it all."

Josh thinks of Chris. "Yeah it is."

"Are we good?" Ashley asks, voice soft and timid and Josh feels himself smiling without realizing.

"Yeah." Josh tells her, reaching above the refrigerator. He pulls down a present wrapped in silver and black paper. Josh hands it to her.

"I was gonna make amends eventually." Josh says and Ashley beams when she takes it from him. His chest feels a bit lighter and soon the living room is packed with people. Emily and Matt distributing gifts, Mike cracking really, really bad jokes with Bob, Jess and Malia giggling while Chris shows Ashley Josh's super secret gift ("Just wait, man." "It's Christmas, bro." "It'd be too cheesy.").

Josh is going over what it could possibly be when Sam bounces up to him, smiling impossibly wide.

"We're good." Sam grins.

Josh agrees. "We're good."

xx

He wakes up alone, head feeling light and easy. There's a slight tension throbbing against his temple. Josh runs a hand through his hair, wincing at the tender, wet scrape on his scalp. He stares down at his hand, coated thin with a slippery red. His fingers rub together, smearing along his skin.

The apartment is quiet. Josh is alone.

He drags himself to the bathroom, foot snagging on something hard and sharp and he nearly tumbles over. It's one of his antlers, the end a clean cut, darkened with clots of blood. Josh steps over it, staggering into the open bathroom door.

His head is free of abnormal protrusions, hair disheveled and sticky, strands clumped together with blood. Josh sighs at his reflection, never having felt so grateful for only worrying about the scar on his face. He slumps to the ground, curling up against the door and fights back a smile.

He takes a shower, gingerly cleaning healing scars on his head, and washes Chris' sheets and pillowcases because there's blood on everything. Josh snaps a picture of the fallen antlers before sending it to Sam. He contemplates throwing them away but ends up setting them in the back of the closet once they're clean as he figures out what to do with them. But for now.

Josh feels okay.

xx

"Your dad told me you guys got Terminator on IMAX." Josh looks up from his game, screen paused on a necromorph ripping him in half. He was distracted, distracted by Chris draping himself over him and by the hand up his shirt. Josh just wanted to beat this chapter but Chris gave zero shits about his boyfriend's needs.

"Stop texting my dad." Josh grumbles, annoyed. He's been living officially in Chris' apartment for two months and his parents have taken it upon themselves to pay the rent for the year and go on weekend outings with Chris and him. It was sick, watching the three of them interact. They were like a sick trio of sap and good feelings and his parents really, really liked Chris, almost as much as when they were kids.

"Jealous?" Chris nips at the back of his ear.

"Why don't you love me enough to let me beat Dead Space in one sitting? I give you space when you want to play your dumb nerd games." Josh grumbles, exhaling loudly when Chris tugs him into his lap. He frowns as the controller is taken from him and he's tucked in between the couch and his stupid boyfriend.

"I do love you. I'd just rather you take a nap with me."

"We just woke up." Josh whines, face pressed into Chris' chest, but he doesn't fight it, warm and comfortable even if he can't play his game. They hadn't been able to be this close the months, Josh's antlers were too long. It was a welcome comfort.

Chris takes off his glasses, setting them somewhere on top of the couch. He shifts over Josh like a glove, blocking out the natural light flooding the room. Josh slips a hand underneath Chris' sweater.

"I meant it when I said a nap." Chris cracks an eye open.

"I don't want sex, fuck, Chris. Just let me get comfortable." Josh mumbles, sticking his other hand inside. He slides his arms in all the way, wrapping around Chris' soft center. Chris sighs, wedging himself closer.

"Did you mean it?"

Chris hums in response, chin settled on Josh's head.

"Getting married."

"Yeah," Chris yawns. "I don't wanna talk about this right now, dude. 'M tired. My dumb boyfriend kept me up really late."

Josh pinches him. "Hey, asshole. You were the one who kept putting your dick on my shoulder."

"Don't blame just me. 'Cochise, I've been sucking dick since high school. Ima pro lemme show you this thing'." Chris mimics Josh's voice, all raspy and slurred and Josh punches him lightly, earning a small laugh.

"You're a fucking dick."

"Just sleep, you fucking baby."

Josh does, face buried in the crook of Chris' neck.

xx

"Okay but getting engaged doesn't mean instant marriage." Jess tells him, elbow propped up on Emily's shoulder. Emily nods in agreement, idly grading papers for her peer review assignment. Josh's head hits the table with a relieved sigh. Emily's apartment is quiet, absent of dogs or the sounds of football on TV.

"You actually thought that? Hilarious." Emily snorts, reaching over to pat the top of his head.

"More like adorable. But he hasn't officially asked you yet right?"

Josh shakes his head. Technically Chris had, while they were both under Josh's bed six months ago. But he doesn't know how this shit works. The closest thing to marriage Josh has gotten to was a sandbox love affair with a girl named Leslie in 3rd grade.

"Didn't you guys get fake married in high school?" Jess asks and Josh turns his head to look at her. He nods slowly. It had been for a theater skit but it seemed to stick the rest of sophomore year.

"Now you can get for real married." Emily smirks, scratching out a question in red pen. "It's not the end of the world, Josh. You're practically married now."

"I don't know why I came over. You guys are mean." Josh grumbles, sitting back in his seat.

"Because we're the only successful couple in our entire band of misfits?" Jess supplies helpfully. She was right, the Mighty Foursome was indeed mighty. Sam and Ashley had issues, Chris and Josh had issues and if that didn't say anything about monogamy he doesn't know what else will.

"It's not for everyone, baby doll." Jess tells him, apparently psychic, reaching under the table to pat his knee. "Will you say yes?"

"Everyone thinks I should."

Emily looks up at him. "And you think you should?"

Josh has thinks he'd be fine with Chris just being with him all the time, for a long time. He wonders if titles change people, if words like husbands and wives and married change people.

"I just want to be with him." Josh answers firmly.

Jess smiles. "That's okay too."

xx

Josh figures out what to do with the antlers.

xx

"Can we just be together?"

Josh has his shirt halfway on, collar popped up, tie still snug around his neck. He's sitting cross legged on the bed, yawning widely as Chris undresses while standing in the bathroom.

"We are together."

"Yeah," Josh sighs, loosening his tie. "But together, together. Married unofficially together."

Chris steps into the bedroom, shirt unbuttoned, tie in hand and Josh whistles loudly. His dad had invited them to a private screening for his latest movie which meant Josh couldn't wear jeans or sweats, he had to wear a tie and a suit and have a date, a date who looked way too hot in a tux.

"You look really good." Josh gives Chris a once over, leaned back on the palm of his hand as the other shrugs off his dress shirt. "In, out, halfway out."

Chris scoffs. "Not as good as you. You were made to wear suits and ties. I'm dying okay? Suffocating. This is way more constricting than my millions of layers."

Josh laughs at that, watching Chris undress with hooded eyes. Chris is halfway out his dress pants and halfway in a pullover with a shirt underneath and it's so funny to watch, Josh can't help but stare in awe. Chris slumps against the wall, tugging on a pair of sweats lazily. He meets Josh's eye, whose still mostly dressed, shirt halfway off his shoulder, tie dangling around his neck, dark slacks open.

"You trying to kill me?" Chris asks incredulously, stalking up to him. Josh grins widely, tugging the tie off slowly. He drags it along the expanse of his neck before tossing it to the floor. Chris exhales sharply.

"I just got dressed." Chris complains but he's tugging off his pullover anyway.

"You thought about it. Fucking me in a suit." Josh breathes, kicking off his shoes.

"Of course I did, jackass." Chris huffs, helping Josh out of his slacks. He tucks himself between Josh's open legs.

"You're gorgeous. I'm sure I wasn't the only one." Chris pushes Josh's shirt down his shoulders, mouthing wet kisses along the newly exposed skin.

"That's gross. They were all old." Josh laughs, teetering off into a quiet sigh as Chris works down his stomach, tiny red bites fluttering along silver scars. Chris is on his knees, tongue tracing hot whispers against Josh's skin.

"I don't want to get married. Yet. Or maybe never." Josh tells him, face growing hot as Chris stares back, blue eyes clouded and heavy. "I don't... I just want you. I.. Do we have to get married for that?"

"No." Chris answers, kissing along the insides of his thighs. Josh shudders, legs spreading wider as Chris hooks an arm around his thigh, jerking him down towards the edge of the bed.

"Are you scared?" Chris asks, sounding amused and curious. Josh can't think, can't formulate words when Chris is touching him. Chris snaps his fingers and Josh forces his eyes to look up. Chris smiles.

"Are you scared?" He repeats and Josh nods.

"Are you afraid I'll leave if you don't say yes?"

"Yes." Josh admits, arms trembling underneath him. Chris sighs, still smiling, and climbs his way up to Josh. He eases him back on the bed, hovering, before he dips down. Chris places his thumb against the corner of Josh's mouth where the skin is mismatched as the palm of his hand slides along the scar on his face.

"I'm not leaving, Josh. It just seemed like something people want us to do." Chris says like it's easy, like its not a big deal. "We're pretty much married. Been married since sophomore year."

Josh laughs, touching Chris' face fondly. He lets Chris shuffle him against the headboard, biting down on his bottom lip. Josh can faintly taste blood, distracted by the soothing tongue that swipes over the wound and into his mouth.

"Sorry." Chris mumbles, tugging the remainder of Josh's shirt off. Josh pulls at Chris' collar, wrapping a leg around his waist. He manages to flip them over, planted firmly down against Chris' pelvis. Josh leans forward, feeling nervous and weirdly shy, tongue darting out to wet his lips and they're kissing, Chris' hand coming up to grasp the side of his neck.

"Can we just make out?"

"I love making out. And hickeys." Chris smiles, lifting up to suck a dark bruise into Josh's collarbone. The hand on his neck slides to his shoulder, fingers tightly grasping at the skin. Josh bites down on his tongue, purring loudly as the bites get sharper and sharper as Chris moves around his collarbone.

Josh bends down, noses brushing, lips carding along one another and he tugs at Chris' hair until the other crushes their mouths together with a low groan.

"You're beautiful." Chris tells him, gaze intense and smoldering and Josh shakes, distracted by the teeth sinking into his shoulder. Chris slows his pace, breath heavy, peppering the new scars and bruises with soft kisses.

Josh exhales softly. "You weren't kidding about the hickeys."

"You're so hot and you're mine." Chris sighs, sitting back against the headboard. He touches one of the darker bruises, spreading a hand over Josh's slowing heart.

"Mhmm," Josh agrees easily, slumping into Chris' chest. His skin feels tingly.

"We don't have to get married, Josh. We don't have to stay together out of obligation or guilt either. But," Chris says, breathless, rubbing his nose into the crown of Josh's head. "I'd like to stay with you. Preferably forever."

"Twenty years is forever to you?" Josh snickers, body sliding into a comfortable stillness.

"You scare easy. Had to give you some kind of out to look for."

Josh looks up at him, bumping his forehead into Chris' chin. He sits up slowly, starring down at his boyfriend, his everything, his sun. Chris places a hand on the small of his back, staring back expectantly.

"Okay." Josh nods. "Then we're together."

"Already together, dumbass." Chris smiles, digging in the pocket of his sweats. He shoves a tiny black box into Josh's hands, face flushed red. Josh holds it in his palm, studying the black velvet tracing the packaging. He opens it, opens it to reveal a thin, simple white band. It sparkles faintly, glowing a brilliant shade under the light.

"You would give me a ring after marking me up like some sick slasher film." Josh says, amused and smiling.

"I couldn't find the right time to give it to you. But our lives have never been convenient. Christmas seemed too cheesy." Chris tells him. "Plus I owe you a ring from theater."

"You never brought one." Josh remembers, a smile spreading across his face. Chris had come late for their skit with a bundle of McDonalds instead of the cheap .50 ring they bought after school.

"We don't have to get married. Ever. Never. Whenever. Whatever, it's irrelevant." Chris says, watching Josh pluck the ring from the box. He's quiet the entire time Josh studies it, quiet while Josh slides it onto his finger. Josh stares down at it, marveled and slightly overwhelmed but Chris sits up to kiss his shoulder and he feels okay.

"Think of it as going steady. That's a thing right?"

Josh burst out laughing, looking back at Chris with an amused expression. "Going steady for twenty years? That the new hot thing, Cochise?"

Chris shrugs lazily, sliding his glasses off. He sets them on the night stand, arm wrapped around Josh's bare waist. Chris drags Josh to lie beside him, tugging the blanket over them.

"I love you. I've loved you for a long time now. We've been going steady for a minute." Chris yawns widely.

Josh settles beside him, pressed close into Chris' chest. He studies the ring on his finger, the sharp contrast of his skin and the stark whiteness of it, a pleasant warmth buzzing inside him.

"I love you." Josh looks at Chris, whose eyes are squinty and he knows he'll be asleep soon. Josh nuzzles the underside of his chin, chirping happily as Chris sighs. Chris places a tired kiss on the other's forehead.

"I love you too, Josh. Congratulations, you're stuck with me for twenty years."

"Plan for forty." Josh counters, heart beating rapidly in his chest and Chris raises a surprised eyebrow before smiling, too bright, too wide and it's beautiful.

Josh locks it in his mind.

xx

Josh gives Chris his ring later in the week after he's figured out how to polish without chipping it because he's not a magician who can make bones do what he wants. He leaves it on Chris' nightstand tied around a stupid black ribbon before he leaves to get his daily ass kicking by Emily.

Josh comes home tired and sweaty and honestly just wanting a shower but instead he gets pushed into the front door with Chris' grinning mouth against his.

"I love you." Chris sighs, eyes sliding closed and Josh can see the ring on his finger. It fits perfectly.

Josh isn't sure he can formulate how much he loves Chris back.

xx

"So I'm not getting married but I guess I'm technically engaged unofficially. I'm happy and he's happy and we're happy. Apparently I already was married anyway." Josh says fondly, staring down at the grass. He rubs a hand over the lush, green softness of the ground.

"I lost my antlers. But the guy I love loves me back. Enough to marry me!" Josh exclaims in awe. He stares down at the band on his hand. "Also enough to not care if we don't get married. How cool is that? It seems to be enough for him and the parents so there's that. Mom and dad are sappy and gross. I'm....very fortunate."

"I wish you guys were here." Josh sighs, looking up at the large marble tombstone in front of him. Hannah and Beth's names are carved intricately in the stone, polished and new and Josh sets two white-boned flowers in the headstone holder.

"Figured out what else to do with my antlers." Josh smiles, straightening the arrangement. "Good thing I took ceramics. Didn't help much but ladies, lemme tell you I pretty much destroyed the rest trying to make these."

A pleasant breeze flows by, sliding along his skin like a kiss. Josh feels the tears build in the back of his eyes and blinks furiously, cracking a smile. "I miss you losers. Sorry I didn't come by on Christmas."

Josh rises to his feet, dusting grass and dirt off his pants. The car door closes from somewhere behind him. Josh touches the top of the marble slab, taking a step back. A hand wraps around his forearm, the familiar smell of dark wood and summer surrounding him.

"I'm emotional. Gonna go." Josh forces out, blinking back more tears. Chris nods.

"Okay. I'll meet you at the car."

"Got something naughty you tryin' to tell my sisters? Geeze, Cochise, ya sleazeball." Josh jokes, earning a light head bump. "Okay, okay I'm walking."

Josh walks a respectable distance, down the shallow hill of the cemetery to the last gravestone and waits. He can still see Chris, standing before his sisters' grave, talking softly. Josh watches Chris set two more flowers, real flowers, along his, watches Chris touch the top fondly before turning back to him.

Josh doesn't ask what Chris said or if he visited before when he was alone and they don't speak until they reach the car, walking shoulder to shoulder.

"You want to get those ridiculous pancakes? We can make it before they close." Chris says, opening the door to the driver's side.

"Have I mentioned I love you?"

"Occasionally. When you don't like watching me suffer." Chris grins widely, disappearing inside. Josh joins him with an eye roll.

"You okay?" Chris asks, placing a hand on Josh's knee once he's inside.

"Yeah, I'm okay." Really okay. Great even. But Josh keeps that to himself, taking Chris' hand in his. The sun is setting along the sky, casting long shades of purple and blue and orange, clouds parting in thin strips of white.

Josh thinks he might've found happy.