I'm Not Scared
“A glimpse through an interstice caught,
Of a crowd of workmen and drivers in a bar-room around the stove late of a winter night, and I unremark’d seated in a corner,”
Mako looked at the photo. It was the only photo of Tahno he could bring— because it wasn’t just of him. Republic City High School’s champion baseball team stared back at him. All of the people he thought were his friends. And there, in the middle, was Tahno smiling as wide as the ocean.
“Of a youth who loves me and whom I love, silently approaching and seating himself near, that he may hold me by the hand,”
Mako flipped the photo over. On the back was Tahno’s signature. He traced the indent the pen had caused when his boyfriend had signed the photo, following a series of loops and quick jagged moves.
“A long while amid the noises of coming and going, of drinking and oath and smutty jest,
There we two, content, happy in being together, speaking little, perhaps not a word.”
Tahno had a great signature.
. . .
Breakfast was biscuits and gravy, and boy did Bolin deliver.
“I think the only reason I would even consider coming back to this Raava forsaken place is for your friend’s cooking,” Korra said, shoveling a mouthful of food into her face.
“Goodness fucking gracious, woman, where are your manners?” Wu asked in wonder.
Kuvira flicked him on the head.
They finished breakfast and Badgermole led them to an empty classroom.
“So today we’re going to do group evaluations of our progress at Camp Amon,” she said.
“Oh boy.”
“We’re going to go around in a circle and talk about our feelings about camp. I know you all are a group of jokesters, but this is a very serious conversation,” Kuvira said solemnly. “Korra how about you go first.”
“Uh, what do you want me to say?”
“Anything. Whatever comes to mind. We’re here in a safe environment to talk about your feelings. Nothing leaves this room, and I’m not writing any of this down. This is just a time to talk and reflect.”
“Uh… okay. Well… I suppose I’m kind of happy here.”
“Really? And what makes you say that?”
“I wasn’t really happy up in the Northern Water Tribe. I guess I was lying to myself when I first came here. I thought it would suck balls.”
“Hey!”
“Wu, don’t interrupt. Korra, continue speaking.”
“Well… um… I guess some of the activities… I mean, I don’t really want to be straight. I’m okay with who I am. I’m here because my Uncle is making me be here… so…
“I am happy with the friendships I’ve made. They mean a lot to me, and I know I’m going to have a lot of good memories here. I like the environment— the trees and the sky and the lake. I’m not used to this much green. It’s kind of amazing. I think it’s a good change of pace for me.”
“Korra of the Southern Water Tribe. Athlete. Lesbian. Hallmark Card.”
“Wu, stop that.”
“I’m just sayin’.”
“Asami, how about you? What are your feelings on this?”
“I’m away from my power tools and I’m forced to wear a t-shirt. Like, who’s in charge of fashion around here?”
“Okay, remember what I said about a sincere conversation?”
“I am being serious. I like to wear fashionable clothes and be feminine. Pink is girly, but red is woman. Like, I’m genuinely going to be a CEO someday, why am I wearing a t-shirt.”
“Wu, why don’t you go next?” Kuvira asked, pinching the bridge of her nose and closing her eyes.
“Pass.”
“You can’t just— oh whatever. Mako, your thoughts on Camp?”
“What do you want to do today?”
“Mmm… can we just lay in your bed and make out?”
“Okay, that sounds cool.”
“Um… I think I like some of the people. I really like the food. The scenery’s cool too.”
“Do you have… more than that?”
“I like the journaling. I’ve never really done that before. It’s peaceful and relaxing.”
Kuvira sighed and let them hang out in the classroom until lunch. Mako didn’t know what her deal was, but it was apparent that she was getting fed up with the group. He felt guilty. She was just doing her job, right?
“Spirit World tonight?” Wu whispered to the group.
Mako shook his head— he wasn’t feeling well. “You guys can go. I think I’m going to get some extra sleep tonight,” he muttered back.
Korra raised an eye at him, but he simply shook her off.
“My parents aren’t home this weekend,” he said in-between kisses.
“What are you trying to say?”
“Mako, add two and two. I’m inviting you over to spend the night.”
Tahno kissed the base of the other boy’s neck. Mako felt like he was on fire. It felt good. It felt really good.
“So… like a sleepover?”
Tahno laughed, and it was music to Mako’s ears.
“Sure, pal— like a sleepover.”
Lunch was enchiladas, and Mako picked at his plate— occasionally eating a bite or two.
“Hungry, aren’t we?” Asami said sarcastically.
“I think there may be a bug going around or something. I’m not feeling well,” he mumbled.
“Well, you just have to do the interview with Tarrlok, and then you can sleep for the rest of the afternoon,” Kuvira said.
Wu passed him a glass of water, which Mako was grateful for.
“I’ve never… uh…”
“You’ve never done anything like this before?”
“No.”
“We don’t have to.”
“No, it’s fine. I’m just…”
“You’re nervous.”
“Yeah.”
“It’s okay. Everybody always says the first time is magical, which is a load of bullshit. It can hurt if you’re not careful.”
“Oh.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“I’m not scared.”
. . .
“You’re quieter than the rest of your little gang,” Tarrlok commented, leaning back in his chair.
The group was silently waiting outside for their individual evaluations. Kuvira let Mako go first so that he could get some sleep afterwards.
“Yes, sir.”
“Now, Mr. Mako, what do you feel you are receiving from this camp.”
“I have a few friends, and I think getting outside is really healthy.”
“And what of your spiritual connection to Vaatu?”
“To be honest, sir, it’s kind of a new thing. Republic City isn’t a very spirit-oriented place.”
“That’s alright. Do you… do you like our lessons.”
“I don’t mind them. I… I didn’t really care for the first all-camp activity.”
“That’s understandable. You don’t have to like the truth, Mako, but you do have to accept it. And the truth was that you were holding in your emotions and letting them make your soul weak. This lowered your defenses and allowed for the invasion of the homosexual spirit. And the longer you harbor that dark spirit of same sex attraction, the more difficult it is to remove the spirit— and protect your soul from eternal damnation.”
Overall, it hadn’t been a bad experience. Tahno was very caring and made sure Mako felt comfortable the whole time. The way they kissed. The way they touched. It was like nothing he had ever done before.
“Yes sir.”
“You are certainly calmer than the others.”
“I was raised to be respectful and honest, sir.”
“Yes… Bolin is a friend of yours from outside of camp, is he not?”
“Y-yes sir.”
“And what is your ‘relationship’ with him?”
“No sir, it’s not like that! We were raised together and—“
“It’s alright Mako. I wouldn’t have hired him if I thought he was… one of them.”
“Yes sir.”
“Hey Bolin,” Mako asked— sitting on the half step that divided the living room and the kitchen.
“Yeah, what’s up?”
“Um… would you be okay if I told you that I had a boyfriend?”
“Mako, of all the members of your little… group, would you consider yourself an ‘active participant’ in our program at Camp Amon. You participate in the lessons, and from what Kuvira has told me— you’re the first member of the group to volunteer for readings. It sounds like you have an actual interest in our teachings.”
“I suppose.”
“So then… what I am concluding is that you actually want to be cured of your homosexuality?”
Tahno kissed him over and over and over. It felt like heaven. Mako slowly began to shrug the other boy’s coat off as they sat down on the bed. There was a condom wrapper on the nightstand— Mako had been sure to put it there this morning.
Toza and Bolin were out shopping for an interview outfit for Mako’s older brother. The apartment was absolutely empty except for the two of them. There was an indie/alternative playlist blasting on Mako’s stereo.
Tahno’s hands ran up and down Mako’s back, his breath was ragged and he was sucking on Tahno’s pulse point— and honestly it was driving both of them wild.
“MAKO! WE’RE HOME!” Bolin’s voice rang out.
“I got you some new shirts while we were shopping, do you wanna try them on— oh!” Toza said, entering Mako’s bedroom.
Both of the boys were in just their underwear and undershirts; one on the other’s lap.
“Dad! It’s not what you think!”
Mako was crying. He could feel the tears sliding down his face. Tarrlok stood and offered him a handkerchief without saying a word— putting a hand on Mako’s shoulder. The tears were falling at a faster pace, and all the boy wanted to do was go back to his cabin and look at the photograph of the Republic City Turtleducks— and the star pitcher.
“Please sir,” he suddenly begged. “I want to become straight. I have too!”
“Of course, my lad, of course,” Tarrlok said, giving him a sweet smile.
“I just don’t want to be gay anymore. I’m scared.”
“Well, here at Camp Amon we teach you not to be afraid,” Tarrlok said, sitting back down in his office chair. He pushed the Kleenex box towards the boy. “I want you to know, Mako, that my brother and I will do everything in our power to banish the homosexual demon inside of you.”