Chasing Ghosts

 Nine Years Ago...

"Hollis!"

Laura jumped in alarm as she sat at the end of her cot. "Sergeant," she addressed urgently, rising to her feet and saluting. 

"At ease, soldier. What are you doing all cooped up in here?" the older man asked as he looked around the quarters.

"Needed some alone time, sir."

"It's Christmas Eve, Hollis. Shouldn't you be acting like a hooligan like the rest of your fellow soldiers?" he asked gruffly as he scratched the facial hair on his cheek.

She shrugged. "Not really my favorite holiday, Sergeant."

The man sighed before pulling out a flask from his chest pocket. He took a seat on her cot, causing the soldier to look on in shock. He glared up at her and smacked the cot next to him to signal her to sit. She quickly followed orders, watching him take a swig of whatever liquor was in the metal container.

"Being away from home is hard for some on the holidays," he said, holding the flask out to her. She stared for a moment before hesitantly taking it.

"To be honest, sir, home is kinda the last place I'd want to be today," she responded as she took a drink from the flask. The burn down her throat caused a coughing fit. Her superior began patting her back as he took back the flask. She never really drank. She never felt the need to. But whatever she just drank tasted like regret.

"Well, you're not the first soldier to enlist because you were running away from something," he commented, taking another sip. He started to pull out a pack of cigarettes.

Laura furrowed her brows. "I wasn't running away from anything," she corrected in a tone much too inappropriate for her superior officer. Her eyes widened when he stared at her with a lifted brow and a cigarette hanging in between his lips. "I'm- I'm sorry, sir. I didn't mean-"

"You're a hell of a soldier, Hollis," he interrupted as he lit his cigarette and took a long drag. He offered her one, but she simply shook her head. "You've been here for about six months. It's obvious how much you put into it. It's respectable," he took a drink from his flask before handing it off to Laura again. His eyes then locked with hers.

"I've seen a lot of men and women come through here. They all have their own reasons for wearin' the uniform. And those reasons can either fuel 'em or break 'em." He took a drag from his cigarette as Laura forced herself through another drink. "Denial is strong thing. Hell, it's what prolonged my much needed divorce," he joked.

"Sir, I'm not in denial-"

"Your eyes and posture give you away," he cut in. He sighed and adjusted his hat. "My job has been to maintain structure, to build it up nice and strong, and fix the weak spots when I see 'em." He nodded toward the flask and motioned for her to take another drink. "I see what you're made of. You've got strong bones. Your senses are always ready when necessary. You can think creatively on your feet. You're a God damn legend in the making," he said in amusement. "But I can see where the joints are weak. That fire behind your eyes... Most see that as determination. I see it as something dangerous that's waiting to combust." 

Laura felt her chest caving in. She took a longer drink from the flask.

"Two days ago, you ran into that burning building without a second thought. A bomb had just gone off in an attempt to kill our entire squad, and you ran in without fear of another detonation," he explained firmly. Laura's jaw clenched. They were doing a training exercise outside the nearby village and went into town to speak to some of the locals. As they were exiting the building, it went up in flames. None of the soldiers were hurt, but villagers had been. And she heard the little boy, that had smiled at her only moments ago, screaming.

"We're trained and taught to be ready to sacrifice ourselves for our country; for the greater good. But we still need self-worth, Hollis. We still need to know we're worth something. Only then can a sacrifice mean anything."  

"Was that boy's life worth less than mine?" she asked softly.

"I'm not telling you this because it was wrong. Fuck, it was God damn heroic! But I'd hate to see a soldier like you throw your life away before you can do us any real good."

Laura sat staring at her lap. She didn't know what to say. She understood him. But what was she supposed to do about it? She didn't know how to fix anything. This was who she was now.

"Ugh!" he groaned as he pushed himself up to his feet. "I gotta take a piss," he said as he stretched. He looked back down at the blonde who held the flask out to him. "Nah. Keep it. I've got three more," he chuckled as he strolled off.

The soldier looked down at the flask with a heavy sigh before bringing it back to her lips.

Present Day...

"Dad?" 

The older Hollis stopped chopping wood to turn and look at his daughter. She was sitting on a stump with a cup of hot chocolate in her hands. 

"Why don't you ever talk about the military anymore?" He stared at her in confusion. "You used to tell me stories all the time."

He looked back down to the log he was about to cut and shrugged. "Guess I told you all my stories," he answered as he swung down the ax and split the log in two.

Laura scoffed. "You used to repeat stories all the time. I'm calling bullshit."

He let out a sigh before letting the head of the ax rest against the ground. "What is there to talk about?" he asked in annoyance.

"I don't know. I just figured you'd want to bond over it more or something. We're both kind of veterans now..."

"Laura, honey, we've never had trouble bonding. We don't need to talk about that in order to have something to talk about."

"But what if I want to talk about it?"

His brows furrowed. "Why?"

"Dad, if I take this job, I have to be willing to talk about it. It'd be unavoidable."

"So you're still considering it," he stated more than asked.

"I- I'm trying to figure things out," she answered with her gaze falling to her lap. She heard him take a deep breath.

"I know I haven't always been there for you." Her head snapped up with wide eyes as he continued. "I didn't handle your mother's death properly. I didn't look after you-"

"Dad, no," she interrupted. "You did fine. How is someone supposed to deal with something like that properly?"

"By making sure their daughter doesn't doing anything rash like enlist," he said firmly. His eyes burned. He sighed as Laura frowned back at him. "You were such a happy girl," he said with a sad laugh. "Happiest girl I ever saw." His grip on the ax tightened for a moment. "And then when your mother-... Something happened to that girl."

"Yeah, she grew up," Laura answered bitterly.

Her tone didn't bother him. He smiled sadly at his daughter. "You never wanted to be a soldier, kiddo."

"Why does that matter?!"

"Because you were looking for a way out. That's what you wanted. I wanted an out too. And I was kind of jealous of you. I didn't see the whole picture. I didn't see the part where you were grieving. I didn't see the life changing decisions you were making. I didn't protect you."

The younger Hollis groaned loudly. "I didn't need your protection!"

"Can you really say that? After everything that's happened to you?" he asked gently.

She clenched her jaw. "Nothing is your fault."

"I'm sorry, regardless. I should have done better." Laura let her head drop back down to her lap. "You've always been one to run away from your problems. When things got too intense or scary, you'd take off like a jack rabbit," he chuckled. When she lifted her head, their eyes locked. "Aren't you tired of running yet?"

Her brows furrowed. "Why does taking this job mean I'm running? It's only six months."

"Do you even want the job?"

"Of course! Why wouldn't I?"

"Enough to go back there?"

"I've already lived through the worst. What else could happen to me?"

He frowned. "Fine. Trying to talk about your fears clearly isn't working, so I'm gonna cross a line now. If you choose this job and walk away from Carmilla, she won't be here when you get back. Or at least she shouldn't be."

"Dad!"

"I've seen that girl look at you like you were the only person in the world for far too long. You're lucky to be with a woman like that. Especially after everything she has been through. If she has to deal with another person leaving her, I can't even imagine..."

"I'm not leaving her!"

"It doesn't matter how long you go away, Laura! This is you choosing something over her- over her and Livie. You don't care about this job. I can see it in your eyes. You're afraid of marrying the woman you love. You're afraid of raising a wonderful little girl. You're afraid of disappointing them. And this job is the perfect chance for you to distance yourself. Even if it could set you back with your PTSD."   

"She knows I love her, Dad. We'll be fine."

"Yet you'd still put her through this? You love her, but you'd walk away from her again? When you should be starting your lives together? Laura..."

She rose harshly to her feet. "That's enough. Thanks for the input, but I'll take it from here." She stormed off despite her father calling her back.

She didn't have long to decide. The pressure was on, and she was avoiding her fiancee like the plague. And after that conversation with her father, Laura was even more confused. So now she was out walking the nature trails around town to try and clear her head.

This was an incredible opportunity for her. And it was only for a few months. That was nothing in the grand scheme of things. Many families deal with this kind of occupational flaw.

But they were supposed to he getting married. She was supposed to be there for Livie. It was important for her to be present in her life now. 

And Carmilla... She'd be leaving her once again. Despite Laura's inevitable return, it was such a raw subject for them. She could only imagine the deja vu the brunette would experience; the fear and abandonment.

Was she being selfish?

She kicked at some rocks along the trail, her hands tucked into her pockets. The sun was beginning to set and a sigh left her mouth as she stared at the mix of colors in the sky. Sunsets; the sign of the end of a day. Her chest ached suddenly. 

"I guess all things come to an end at some point," she whispered out loud to herself. But she took note: nothing ever ended as beautiful as a setting sun.

Eight Years Ago...

"Mattie, I'm not in the mood."

"You're never in the mood."

"Well I'm really not in the mood."

"That girl is the brightest out of all the ones you've hit and ditched."

Carmilla scoffed. "You spent like two seconds talking to her."

"That was enough to tell that she could actually form intellectual sentences. Ditsy is definitely not a quality of hers, and that's a welcome surprise."

"I get it. You actually like someone I'm sleeping with. Hurray," she replied with fake enthusiasm.

"She's not a piece of meat, Carmilla."

She lifted a brow. "Excuse me? This coming from the woman that doesn't even think about sleeping with the same person twice?"

"We're completely different people. I'm disconnected because that's who I've always been. You're disconnected because the only person you've ever felt anything for left you all messed up inside. Ell cares about you, whether you want to see it or not. You can't waste your life waiting for Laura Hollis."

Carmilla cringed at the name. "I'm not waiting for anyone!" she threw back through clenched teeth. 

"She packed up her bags and left, Carmilla. You told me you asked her to stay, and she didn't. You can't punish yourself for that. You can't let her problems hold you back-"

"Laura isn't a problem!"

"Then why are you being so aggressive?"

"I don't know!" she yelled before realizing she was the only one ready for a fight. She took a deep breath and ran her hands through her hair roughly. She then met her sister's eyes with purpose. "She's engraved in me, Mattie," she admitted, her voice cracking. That all too familiar ache filled her chest. "I don't know how to get her out."

Her older sister frowned before approaching Carmilla. Her hands settled gently on the younger woman's shoulders, causing the girl to meet her eyes. A sense of desperation and pain came through those dark orbs.

"Do you remember what I told you when Dad died?" Mattie's voice came out softly. She didn't wait for a response. "I told you that it only hurts because we wouldn't be able to see him anymore. But we would always be able to remember him. Because he was a part of us. All those memories of Saturday morning pancakes, snowball fights, the music he would play us..." she offered a sad smile as Carmilla's eyes watered. "Just by fiddling around on your guitar, you're keeping him with us."

Carmilla bowed her head, but Mattie continued. "People leave, Carmilla. That's life; whether it's forever, or just a moment in time. And you can't erase that. You can't make it go away. But if you're lucky to feel something good before it's gone, cherish it. Take what she's given you and keep living."

"And what if she gave me nothing?" she answered with burning eyes and flared nostrils.

Mattie took a deep breath as her arms fell back to her sides. "We both know that's not true."

A tear fell down the brunette's cheek. "And that's supposed to make me feel better?"

"It's supposed to make you appreciate things. It's supposed to open your eyes to that kind of affection."

Carmilla's head bent down as she stared at the ground. "But what if no one can ever come close to her?" 

Mattie felt her own chest tighten from her sister's words. "How will you ever know if you never try?"

Present Day... 

Carmilla stood in the kitchen, leaning back against the counter. She held a cup of coffee in her hand and stared absentmindedly ahead of her. Laura had been out all day. She was gone whenever the brunette woke up in the morning. She figured the soldier had gone for a run, but hours passed and she hadn't seen or heard from her. 

But the cafe owner didn't reach out either. She was afraid to. Whatever was happening was something big; that much she knew. And the image of Laura walking away kept replaying through her mind. That familiar ache coursed through her.

But maybe she was being too harsh... Maybe she was letting her own issues get in the way of something Laura truly wanted...

Maybe it was time for her to let go of the ghosts that continued to haunt her. 

Then, the door opened. Laura hesitated after spotting her in the kitchen. She debated moving closer, but then cowardly turned to head toward the bedroom.

"Take the job."

Laura froze mid step, and then spun around to stare at the brunette with questioning honey eyes. "What?"

Carmilla sighed as she slumped back against the kitchen counter more. "It's only six months."

"Carm..." 

"It'll be a good experience for you."

"You don't have to do this," Laura said softly as she walked closer to her fiancee.

"What? Let you live your life? I don't want to be something that got in your way. Who am I to stop you?"

The blonde stared at her incredulously, her mouth ajar. "Who are you to stop me?" she repeated in alarm. She started shaking her head. "No." 

"No, what?"

Her father's words echoed in her head. 'Aren't you tired of running yet?'

Honey eyes met Carmilla's vulnerable black. That powerful electric charge was still there. It was always there. It was always going to be there. And as terrifying as it was, the soldier was tired. Her stamina had been zapped ages ago, but she had been pushing herself as if she were on the last leg of a race.

"No," Laura repeated firmly. Her eyes studied Carmilla's face as if taking her presence in for the very first time. This woman... This beautiful woman was her never ending sunset; stretching across the soldier's world and painting the sky into more colorful and exquisite patterns as time ticked by. She couldn't run from it. She finally realized she never could. She would never outrun that wonderful setting sun.

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying right here. I'm staying with you, and Livie, and I'm going to marry you. Because all I ever do is run. I've been running for so long. And once I started to slow down, I almost sprinted right back into it. I don't wanna report on what's going on over there. I lived enough of that. It's time for me to stop being scared; especially of things that are so good."

The soldier watched as Carmilla's eyes began to water. "So... you're... not gonna take it?"

Laura let out a weak laugh. "I'm sorry I'm such an idiot." 

Carmilla let out a sigh before stepping into the blonde's space, cupping her face and bringing their lips together. A tear or two fell down the brunette's cheeks, which brushed against Laura's skin. The soldier pulled away slightly, wiping away her love's tears with a sad smile. "You're stuck with me now."

The cafe owner smiled softly with a sniff. "Yikes. Suddenly I wanna make a run for it." Laura scoffed and playfully shoved her laughing fiancee. Carmilla then pulled her back in for Laura to get lost in another kiss.