Unsteady
She wasn't an idiot. She knew Laura was struggling. They've been living together for over three months now, and for the last week, the soldier had been distant. Conversations and the world around them could be happening, but Laura's thoughts were elsewhere.
Carmilla's problem was that Laura was stubborn; that was a fundamental fact. She could have asked the blonde what was wrong. She could have tiptoed around her. But she didn't. Because she knew Laura. And Laura wanted to feel normal.
The cute, rambling woman that Carmilla had fallen head over heels for was quiet as of late. Livie noticed. She ran up to her mother and tugged on her arm, asking what was wrong with Laura. Carmilla just ran her fingers through the little girl's bangs and smiled sweetly down at her.
"Just make sure you show Laura how much you love her. Can you do that, kiddo?"
Livie nodded eagerly before running off and slamming into the blonde's waist; wrapping her arms around her and squeezing tightly. The soldier's eyes widened in alarm before they settled tenderly on the little brunette attached to her.
The nights seemed to get progressively worse. The couple typically cuddled as they slept, and Laura's dreams seemed to become more vivid. She was restless, and at times, her grip on Carmilla grew tighter.
Last night, Carmilla awoke to stifled crying. Laura was sitting on the edge of the bed, hunched over with her back facing the brunette. Carmilla sat up slowly, observing the blonde's shoulders gently shake.
"Laura?" she whispered, but received no reaction. She scooted across the bed and sat herself next to the soldier; their legs dangling to the floor. Carmilla dipped her head slightly to try and see her girlfriend's bowed face. Then, she brought her hand to Laura's chin and lifted it up gently. Wide honey eyes stared back at her. The room was dark, but there was enough light to see the tear trails glistening on her cheeks.
"What's wrong?" Carmilla asked in a hopeful tone. She wanted to help. She wanted to take all the pain away. But when it came down to it, there was no real way for her to do that. At least, she didn't know how to.
"I'm sorry," Laura whispered back as another tear fell down her cheek.
The cafe owner smiled sadly before wiping the tear away. "What are you apologizing for?"
The soldier shrugged. "For being... this," she gestured toward herself.
Carmilla chuckled. "I don't know what you're talking about. I happen to adore all of this," she answered, gesturing toward Laura's whole body in the same manner.
Laura scoffed before running her hand under her nose and sniffing. "Yeah, I'm a real trophy wife."
The brunette lifted an eyebrow. "Wife? We're married now? How'd I miss that? How'd I miss the honeymoon?"
The blonde shoved her girlfriend playfully. "You're quite possibly a sex addict."
Carmilla smirked before grabbing Laura's hand and interlocking their fingers. "Nah. Just a cupcake addict." A small smile played on the soldier's lips before Carmilla gave her hand a gentle squeeze. "You know you can talk to me, right?"
Laura sniffed again as she started nodding; her eyes glued to their joined hands.
"You don't have to do everything on your own."
The soldier scoffed. "So what? I should just run to you whenever I start to have a little breakdown?"
Carmilla stared back at her for a moment in confusion. "I honestly don't see anything wrong with that."
"I'm not just some pathetic person that needs protection all the time-"
"I never said that-"
"I don't need to be babied-"
"Whoa! Again, I did not say that-"
"Do you think I'm just some constant mess? Is that what you think?"
Carmilla shook her head to try and wrap her mind around the situation. She then pulled Laura's hand into her lap and held it in both of hers. "Laura," she said sternly. The brunette saw the rage in the woman's eyes. She saw how tense her body had become.
"I love you," Carmilla said firmly. Laura's posture began to deflate; her eyes drifted down before Carmilla tugged gently on her hand, bringing her eyes back to her. "You know that, right?" She watched another tear fall down Laura's face before continuing.
"You're hurting," the brunette started before clearing her throat. Now wasn't the time to get choked up. "And I hate it. I hate it so much because I want to be able to stop it. I want to help you so much and I just don't know how to do that." She squeezed Laura's hand again. "So if you need to lash out, do it. I can take it. If you need to be angry, I can take it. Just please don't shut me out. And don't you dare for one second think I am anything but madly in love with you. Seriously, it's disgusting."
Laura let out a surprising chuckle despite the tears still claiming her face. Her eyebrows furrowed as her grip on Carmilla's hand grew tighter. "I've been having some really bad nightmares," she admitted weakly.
The brunette tilted her head slightly. "Do you wanna talk about them?"
She shrugged. "Gory torture, and watching people die over and over again."
Carmilla nodded slowly without responding.
"Can you just..." Laura started hesitantly. "Can you just hold me?"
The brunette felt her heart swell at the innocence of the question. She smiled before scooting back onto the bed and waiting for Laura to follow. When she did, Carmilla pulled her in close, placing kisses on the top of her head. She hummed quietly into the soldier's hair until Laura's breathing evened out. Her warm breath hitting Carmilla's neck and serving as the brunette's form of lullaby.
11 Years Ago...
Carmilla was sneaking over to Laura's as usual after dinner. For most of her teenage years, Carmilla was grounded for a number of things that she definitely deserved it for. But she was never one for listening to any rules. Groundings included.
She hopped into the blonde's bedroom, and almost instantly fell right back through the window. Her heart was beating out of her chest. "Jesus Christ!" she exclaimed, holding her hand to her heart.
"Carmilla!" Suzanne Hollis jumped in alarm. She then smiled softly after taking a deep breath to calm herself. "We have a door, Carmilla."
She started rubbing the back of her neck. "Uh, yeah. Sorry. I should probably just-" she motioned her thumb back toward the window as she began to leave.
"Don't be silly. She's in the shower. Should be almost done," she explained as she placed some clean laundry down on her daughter's bed.
"Um, okay," Carmilla said hesitantly as she walked toward the middle of the room with her hands tucked deep into her leather jacket's pockets.
The older Hollis looked at Carmilla with a tilt of her head. "I'm glad you two are finally friends. I mean, I think you always were. But now Laura's actually acting like one to you." She started chuckling.
"Hey, to be fair, I'm sure I deserved all those years of Laura Hollis' wrath," she said in amusement.
"Hm, maybe," she said in a curious tone. "But maybe not the past year or two..."
Carmilla frowned in confusion, which only made Suzanne smile even more.
"You know how to handle my daughter. That's admirable. And I see the way you look at her," she grinned. Carmilla felt her cheeks burning.
"Mrs. Hollis, I have no idea-"
She picked up the empty laundry basket and began to leave the room. "If someone's gonna marry her, it better be you," she called over her shoulder and disappeared down the hallway.
Carmilla's dark eyes widened. "Wait, what?!"
Laura walked in with a towel wrapped tightly around her. "Oh, hey," she greeted in slight surprise. She started to rummage through drawers. "You must've eaten dinner earlier than usual. Unless you didn't eat. If you're hungry, we had meatloaf for dinner. There's still plenty. Oh, and I forgot to tell you at school today that you have to help me study French. For some reason nothing is processing through this big hunk of meat called my brain and when I try to speak it, I sound like a whale call being fast forwarded." She then turned to see Carmilla still wide eyed and perfectly still.
"Are you okay?"
The blonde's mother had basically just given her blessing to marry Laura. And now said girl was in a towel, water dripping down her neck and onto her shoulders.
This world was evidently a cruel one.
Carmilla then cleared her throat. "Uh, yeah. Totally. Your mom was just-" She shook her head. "Nevermind."
Laura lifted a single brow. "What'd my mom say?"
"Nothing. I'm just now getting a joke she said," she forced a few chuckles and ran a hand through her hair. Was she really so obvious about her feelings? She wish she knew that sooner.
"Okay, weirdo."
"Later, mommy! Later, Jimbo!" Livie yelled as she followed Mattie out of the cafe.
Carmilla rolled her eyes with a chuckle. "Get out of here, ya little monster," she called after her daughter.
Jim Hollis was sitting at the counter drinking a cup of coffee as he read one of the paperbacks he picked out from the other side of the cafe.
"Will taught her to say 'later' as a form of farewell. He told her that's what cool people say," Carmilla explained to the older man. "She says it even when she's leaving the room to go to the bathroom."
"She's a hip happening girl. Didn't you used to care about being a cool kid?" he teased with a grin.
"I was a cool kid. It was part of my DNA," she defended as she refilled his coffee cup.
"Okay, so what are you now?" he asked before taking a sip.
"A cool mom," she grinned.
He chuckled. "Let's hope it stays that way. You never know what'll happen during those teenage years."
"Ugh, please don't jinx it. My nightmare is Livie hitting puberty and turning into an actual monster."
"Hate to break it to ya, kid, but every parent has that nightmare." He took another sip from his coffee.
"Great."
"And as time goes by, you're only gonna get a bunch more."
Carmilla glared. "Well aren't you full of good news today?"
He grinned.
The cafe owner's phone went off in her pocket. She urgently pulled it out and let out a sigh of relief. Laura had left the apartment to go for a run, but she still wasn't back yet. This was longer than usual. Carmilla began to worry, especially after seeing how worked up her girlfriend was the previous night. So when she texted her and didn't get a response after awhile, she started getting anxious.
"You look like you just found out your STD test came back negative."
Carmilla's face scrunched up in response. "Jim, you do remember I'm dating your daughter, right?"
He shrugged. "Then I guess it's a double relief."
"I don't even know how to respond to that."
"What's the real relief?" he asked with a chuckle.
Carmilla furrowed her brows, debating her response. "Laura's been having a rough week."
His eyes widened in surprise before he fully lowered the book onto the counter. "She pullin' away?"
"No... Not really. She's just- She's trying to deal with it on her own. And I get that. I do. I just... wish she didn't."
He gave her a sad smile. "Stubborn. Just like her mother."
Carmilla's body tensed at the statement. "Maybe avoid telling Laura that."
He quirked an eyebrow. "Laura's always idolized her mother."
The cafe owner stared at him in confusion. She hesitated before replying. "I'm sorry if I'm overstepping my boundaries, sir, but-"
He scoffed. "Sir? Really?" He gave her a pointed look with the hint of a smile at the corners of his mouth.
She let out a puff of air, her shoulders sagging. "Do you ever... talk to her... about Suzanne?"
Jim took a deep breath and began fiddling with the coffee cup in front of him. His eyes staring down into the dark beverage. "My wife was the kindest woman in the world," he said softly without removing his gaze. Carmilla's brows furrowed, but she remained quiet.
"And she was clever, and elegant, and funny. And she was so strong." He let out a chuckle as his mind got lost in a memory. He looked back up at the cafe owner. She saw the vulnerability in his glistening eyes. "I met Suzie on base. I hadn't been enlisted long, but I managed to have a few good friends at that point." He took a sip of his coffee with a fond smile still settled on his lips.
"So one day, we walk up to where a crowd of soldiers are gathered 'round. There's a bunch of cheering going on. I heard some people placing bets. But when my eyes settled on the people in the center of the circle, there was Suzie; jumping onto this huge guy's back and putting him in a choke hold." He started laughing.
"I couldn't believe it. She was such a small creature and she was manhandling this mountain of a man!" He shook his head with a grin. "So she managed to take him down, and remain undefeated. But apparently I was so dumbstruck, well, my buddies might say I was drooling, that when they asked who was next, I screamed out 'Me!'; my voice cracking like a boy in puberty."
Carmilla chuckled as she leaned her elbows on the counter to continue listening.
"So now my face was completely red as people made a path for me to get through. When I stood in front of her," he paused, letting his eyes drift to the side as a sincere smile took over his features. "I think that's when my heart actually started beating for the first time. Everything before her was just... goin' through the motions. Just seeing her standing there, wiping the sweat from her forehead, nothing felt more real than that moment. And I knew I couldn't mess this up."
The brunette smiled at Jim. "So you wrestled your future wife? That was your first interaction?"
He let out a cackle. "No. My first interaction was her resting her hands on her hips and knocking me out of my daydream. 'Are you seriously gawking at me right now?' she said to me with the tiniest smile. 'Ya know, I figured if I keep winning I'd get a little more respect...' " he mocked her voice.
Carmilla shook her head. "That definitely sounds like your daughter."
He nodded in agreement, but continued his story. "I tried to urgently correct the situation by complimenting her skills and whatever, but I kept stammering on words and 'impressed' came out as 'breasts' and I think I said something about her being flexible and how that must be useful."
"Jesus, Jim."
"I wasn't trying to sound like a creep. Believe me."
"So what'd she do?"
"She said to me,'I'm not really sure what kind of respect you actually have for me, but you're definitely losing all of mine for you.' She then started to turn away and pick up her stuff, so I quickly made a step toward her. I apologized and told her how she was making me nervous, and I started rambling, and yes, Laura gets it from me."
Carmilla smirked at that.
"Suzie glared at me for a few seconds before I finally said, 'Let me fight for it. Let me fight for your respect.' She then studied me for a bit before turning back toward the center of the crowd. I did a fist pump when her back was turned."
"So she gave you a shot."
"Yep. And I happily got my ass kicked."
"Really?" Carmilla asked in amusement.
"She was so agile! I still don't understand!" He shook his head in disbelief.
"But anyway, she destroyed me. Every time they had the brawling ring set up, she would be undefeated. And every time, I willfully challenged her. She didn't understand why. Only a few people kept coming back to try and beat her, but those people were actually close. I never lasted as long as them. She probably thought I was trying to cop a feel," he said in realization.
"Then, after this one time sparing with her, my back hit the mat with a loud thwak! I didn't move because, well, she beat the shit out of me," he explained with a jest.
"So she sat down on the mat next to me and stared down at my face, asking me if I was some sort of masochist. I remember coughing out a laugh and saying, 'Just fightin' for your respect.' I saw her face soften, and I swear, my heart left my chest. God, she was beautiful." He sighed.
"Anyway, she said, 'I don't want to keep beating you up.' So I answered with, 'I don't want you to either, but I don't really know how to talk to you without digging myself into an early grave.' She giggled, which took me entirely by surprise. I probably grinned like an idiot at her. She then said,'How about we just start with introductions? I'm Suzie.' And so the moral of this story is that if you continue to get your ass handed to you by a woman, she will eventually get tired."
"That's not really a moral. That's more like the definition of endurance."
He ran a hand through his hair and started scratching his head a little. "Yeah... And I guess I made her feel bad for me. Maybe the moral is to be persistent. Better?"
"More like if you look pathetic enough, someone will eventually pity you."
He stared back evenly before giving a single nod. "I'll accept that," he finished by picking up his coffee and taking a drink.
"So... not to sound disinterested or anything, but... where'd that come from?" Carmilla asked. He never answered her original question.
Jim kept a hand around his cup. "Laura loved hearing about how we met. She'd ask us to tell her the story all the time when she was a little girl. Obviously I had to tone it down for her because she was young, but she loved it. Whenever I talked about how badass her mother was, Suzie would get embarrassed and try to deny it. That only made Laura want to be like her more."
He then took a deep breath. "Laura and I don't talk about her. We're alike in that way. I wish we weren't, but we are. It's painful," he admitted weakly. He gave Carmilla a sad smile and a shrug. "I see so much of Suzie when I look at Laura. It's heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time."
"I hear what you're saying, but if you want that pain to go away, you need to face it head on. Otherwise, you're gonna keep breaking your heart every time you see your daughter."
He nodded slowly. "I wasn't the one who talked about feelings with Laura. That was always Suzie." He paused. "She would be so proud of her little girl," he said quietly toward his now empty coffee.
"Don't you think that's something Laura should hear?" Carmilla suggested gently. "With everything she's gone through, she's afraid of ending up like her mother."
His head shot up to stare at the cafe owner. "She thinks that?"
Carmilla simply shrugged. "Talk to your daughter. Do it for her and for you."
His brows furrowed. "But what if she won't talk to me about her?"
Then, the brunette smirked. "It seems you're pretty good at fighting for things."
He scoffed and began to grin. "Were you not listening to the story? I lost every time!"
Carmilla rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest. "The moral was persistence, no?"
"I thought the moral was that I was pathetic enough to get pitied."
The cafe owner sighed. "Perspective."
He nodded with a kind smile before his brows furrowed. "But you said she was having a tough week?"
"Yeah. Nightmares and zoning out a lot."
"Did she flash?"
She shook her head. "As far as I know." She looked back down at her phone. "She went for a run awhile ago, and I was worried so I called and then texted her. She only just got back to me. I'm not normally a stickler for this kind of thing, but I feel like I need to be doing something. I feel... useless."
"Carmilla," he chastised gently. "You love her, right?" She nodded earnestly. "Then that's all she needs."
The brunette sighed. "How is that enough?"
He gave her a sad smile. "I don't know what is or isn't enough. I just know that I hope Suzie knew how much I loved her. Even if I couldn't change anything that happened, I'd go back and love her harder."
"Jim, anyone that looked at you two knew how much you loved each other."
He chuckled. "That's what Suzie used to say about you two."
Carmilla's eyes widened for a moment before she laughed as well. "I'm pretty sure there was a point in time when your daughter actually hated me."
He rolled his eyes. "I love my daughter, but she can be so blind sometimes." He then gazed at the cafe owner with squinted eyes. "I don't think you were nearly as blind as her though."
Carmilla smirked. "Gotta fight for it, right?"
Jim grinned before getting up from his seat and pulling out his wallet. "Absolutely."
The door to the cafe opened; the jingling signaling the blonde's return.
Her run lasted longer than she expected. She just kept going. She didn't look at the time or stop to take in her surroundings; she just ran. She ran until her legs felt weak and her lungs burned in that beautiful way she loved. It helped as much as it could, but her head still felt foggy. She was still on edge; only physically exhausted now.
So as she walked her way back into town, she stopped to buy herself a water. And as she took that first long sip, her eyes landed on the bouquets of flowers in buckets by the door. She froze and thought.
And then she decided.
Her chest felt heavier after making her decision. The weight of the white roses somehow cumbersome in her hand. Each step she made toward her destination made her anxiety explode. But eventually, she arrived. And after the short search, she placed the roses on the headstone.
"Hey, mom."
One hand still full, it fell to her side, while the other rested in her pocket. "I'm sorry I-" she stopped herself and took a deep breath. "I've been thinking about coming for awhile, it's just... difficult." She bit her lip with furrowed brows. She had only been to her grave once. And that was the day of the funeral.
"I'm scared, mom," she whispered with a shaky voice. She felt her emotions boiling up to the surface. "Every time I close my eyes, I see friends' faces; soldiers that died in front of me. It went away for awhile, but these past few days have been so hard." Tears began falling down her cheeks. She tried to wipe some away.
"I wish I knew what you saw..." she said with a sniff. "I feel like I could understand now. Even if it's just a little bit." Her brows furrowed again as she swallowed the lump in her throat.
"So, um, I'm working for the newspaper now. Mattie helped me get the job. Yeah, I know. I thought she hated me too," she said with a sad chuckle as she wiped the rest of her tears away.
"Dad's still taking care of the town as best he can. He hangs out with the guys from the station a lot, so I don't think he's lonely. I see him all the time too. You don't have to worry about him." Her eyes danced over the engraved stone.
"Oh, and um, I'm dating Carmilla," she admitted with a laugh. "I'm sure you'd be thrilled. You loved her. And you used to always tell me to be nicer to her." She rolled her eyes. "Well, I'm trying not to always be a jerk to her. But to be honest, she deserves it sometimes." She shook her head with a smile.
"She has a daughter; Livie. And no, she's not mine, mom," she said with a giggle. She could imagine her mother pulling that joke. "Although, I kinda wish she was. I love that little girl," she said tenderly. "I mean, I'm living with them now too. Jesus, has it already been that long?" Laura stopped to think. It was September now. Time was moving by quickly.
The soldier then looked down at the bouquet of red roses in her other hand. "I should probably propose soon, huh?" She smiled gently toward the flowers, and then looked back up at the headstone. "You'd probably say that I should have done it awhile ago," she chuckled. "And you're probably right." Laura sighed and then pulled out her phone to look at the time.
1 Missed Call.
2 Messages.
"Crap."
"Well, well, well. Bringing your old man some flowers, huh? How thoughtful," Jim chimed with a chuckle. Laura rolled her eyes before leaning in to kiss his cheek. He tucked his wallet into his back pocket before turning back to salute Carmilla, who gave a nod in return.
"Gotta get back to work," he announced as Laura watched her father exit. She turned back around and saw Carmilla smirking back at her.
"You got a hot date tonight or something?" she asked innocently as she nodded toward the bouquet.
The soldier decided to play along. "Or something."
"Care to elaborate?"
"Well... There's this girl know..."
"Mhm?"
"She's funny."
"Go on," Carmilla leaned forward onto the counter, resting her chin in her palm as she smirked.
"Caring." The brunette nodded. "Lovable." Carmilla's smile continued to grow and Laura felt her knees going weak at the sight. "Cute."
"Whoa, cute? We've been over this, cupcake."
The soldier stared at her with playful confusion. "What do you mean? I'm talking about Liv. Who'd you think I was talking about?" She started to grin as Carmilla's face went from shock to mild irritation.
"Rude."
Laura giggled before holding them out to her. "These are for my hot roommate."
Carmilla hesitantly took them. "You better not be talking about my daughter still."
"What? No!"
The brunette started laughing as she smelled them. "Thanks, Cap," she said with a wink.
Laura eyed her thoughtfully. "Thanks for being you," the soldier answered sweetly. The look in her honey eyes spoke volumes. Carmilla felt the sincerity.
The cafe owner leaned over the counter and gently kissed the blonde on soft lips. "When I've got the two most amazing girls in my life, I don't wanna be anyone else," she whispered back.