Bulletproof
Eight Years Earlier...
"Ugh! That woman is relentless!" Carmilla groaned as she came bursting through the door of her tiny apartment. She had told her girlfriend to make herself at home knowing her meeting with her mother would probably last longer than desired.
"I'm assuming it didn't go well?" Ell replied in amusement as she pushed herself up off of the couch. She had been reading one of Carmilla's million novels that were scattered throughout the apartment. The books needed an entire apartment of their own if Ell had anything to say about it.
The brunette's shoulders sagged in defeat as she waited for her girlfriend to approach her. The blonde wrapped her arms around her neck and gave her a peck on the lips. Carmilla sighed from the contact; a small smile gracing her lips.
"What happened?"
The small smile that was on her face was now gone. "She keeps pushing it!" Carmilla exclaimed as she pulled herself away from Ell and toward the kitchen. She reached into the cupboard and started to fill a glass of water.
The blonde followed her into the kitchen. "She just wants what's best for you."
Carmilla spun around and stared incredulously at her significant other. "Are you seriously defending her right now?"
"No- Well, maybe," Carmilla let out a laugh in disbelief before Ell continued. "It doesn't mean it actually is what's best for you though!"
"I am not going into the family business! I didn't even finish college! I'm not qualified for that bullshit! Besides, I'm like five seconds away from leaving Silas behind all together."
Ell frowned. "Really?" her voice came out softer than Carmilla expected. "You hate it here that much?"
The brunette's eyes widened; her mouth hanging ajar. She then took a deep breath, placed the glass of water on the counter and walked over to the blonde. She placed her hands gingerly on the woman's hips. "That's not what I meant," she answered gently.
"I like it here," Ell defended sadly.
Carmilla chuckled. "Yeah, well, you didn't grow up here."
"If I did, maybe you'd like it here more," Ell suggested with a kind smile.
"I don't know about that. You'd probably hate me. I was kind of a huge dick growing up," Carmilla answered in amusement.
Ell grinned. "You didn't really grow out of that."
"Hey!"
The blonde leaned in and kissed her slowly before pulling only an inch or two away. "Move in with me."
Carmilla leaned back with wide eyes. "What?"
Ell looked around the apartment quickly before settling her eyes back on Carmilla. "Your apartment is way too tiny. Your books need a bedroom of their own. And I want to wake up next to you every day."
Carmilla smirked. "Like you don't already do that."
The blonde glared slightly before smiling again. "Move in with me."
"That's pretty demanding, Miss Fanu," Carmilla grinned as her eyes watched the blonde's lips.
"I know you hate Silas, but maybe I can help you see the good here," Ell urged.
The brunette's smile softened. Her eyes locked with her girlfriend's sincere blues. "You've already been doing that."
Ell then began to smile. "Sooooo...?"
"I'd love to live with you."
The blonde squealed before crashing their lips together. Carmilla then pulled away, grabbed her hand, and led them to the bedroom. Ell laughed as she was being dragged behind.
"If we're celebrating, please refrain from biting. I know you love it, but I have a doctor's appointment early tomorrow morning."
"Boo!" Carmilla said as she pulled the woman closer and began nibbling on her neck.
Ell closed her eyes from the sensation. "It's too hot for turtlenecks, Carmilla."
She felt the brunette huff against her skin. "Blood work results came back?"
"Mhm. It'll be nice to finally get some answers."
Carmilla nodded before leaning in and hovering over her lips. "And then we can go apartment hunting," she smirked.
"You read my mind," Ell answered happily before closing the gap between their lips.
"Will! You're here for three days! Three days! Your shift started ten minutes ago and you already dropped a customer's food and knocked over another's drink!" Carmilla exclaimed from behind the counter of the cafe. The customers looked on without surprise. They were actually quite used to this behavior.
"The floor is slippery! Perry must have waxed it too much!"
"Don't blame the floor!" a shout came from within the kitchen. Will rolled his eyes.
Carmilla began wiping down the counter roughly. "I don't even know why I keep letting you work here!"
The bells on the door jingled, signaling a new guest. Will looked up and his chest immediately deflated. "Good. We need damage control. She's extra grumpy," he announced as the soldier came strolling over to the counter.
"You're destroying my business!" Carmilla defended with wide eyes directed at her brother.
Laura rolled her eyes as she took a seat in front of her. "I highly doubt he's ruining your business, Carm."
"Oh yeah?" the cafe owner argued. She turned to the rest of the cafe. "Show of hands: how many people think Will is the worst server they've ever seen?"
Practically everyone raised their hands.
"Kirsch!" Will yelled at his friend, who sheepishly lowered his arm.
"You've got spirit, so it's fine!" the cop answered as he raised his cup of coffee toward him and then took a sip; turning and hiding behind his phone.
"See?" Carmilla said as she brought her attention back to the already clean counter.
Laura then reached up and grabbed Carmilla's hand that was aggressively scrubbing the surface. The brunette looked up at her in alarm.
"I'm getting the impression that you're upset about something," Laura said before giggling. Carmilla exhaled greatly as she ran a hand through her hair.
"Had a shitty dream last night."
The soldier's brow rose as she lifted Carmilla's hand, removed the rag from her palm and replaced it with her own hand. Their fingers interlocked immediately. "Wanna talk about it?"
"Not particularly," she answered with a sigh as she stared at their connected hands. She then looked back up at the blonde; her eyes sparkling. "I'd much rather ask you what your plans are for this weekend."
"Oh really? Why is that?" Laura asked playfully.
"Because my brother will be watching Livie and they're spending the night at my mother's. So that leaves a very empty apartment upstairs..."
"How romantic."
Carmilla rolled her eyes at the tone. "You want romantic, Cap? I can give you romantic."
Laura laughed. "Oh, I'm sure you could. You'd probably overload it with candles, and rose petals, and some sort of orchestral music in the background."
"Don't forget the poetry reading where I compare you to the setting sun and watermelon."
The soldier's face scrunched up in confusion. "Watermelon?"
"It's sweet and refreshing," she answered with a wink. "But you've definitely got some seeds."
Laura's mouth fell open before she picked up the dirty rag and threw it at Carmilla. The brunette laughed in response. "I don't even know what that means, but I'm offended!"
"Oh baby, but I'd spit those seeds out all day!"
The soldier grabbed a napkin nearby and balled it up before throwing it at her girlfriend. "Stop it! It sounds weird!"
Carmilla was laughing openly still when Will walked by. He leaned closer to Laura. "You're magical, Hollis. Not even here for five minutes and you turned the grumpy cat into a playful kitten."
The brunette glared before tossing the dirty rag at her brother. "Get back to work!"
He scurried off in annoyance.
Laura cleared her throat nervously as she stared down at the counter, catching the brunette's immediate attention. "I was actually going to ask you if you could do me a favor."
The blonde peeked up to look at Carmilla's piercing stare. The cafe owner remained quiet; waiting for the soldier to continue. Laura took a deep breath.
"Could you go into my study with me?"
Realization hit the brunette fast. The vulnerable look in Laura's honey eyes made her heart ache. She was asking Carmilla to go into the room her mother died in. Her father avoided the room almost as much as Laura. She assumed no one had really spent any time in that room since the floorboards needed to be replaced; the blood had soaked through them too much.
"Is there something you want me to take out of there?" she asked softly.
"No," Laura answered urgently. She stared at Carmilla's confused expression before taking another deep breath. "I just... I need to face it." Carmilla wanted nothing more than to pull the woman into a tight embrace, but the counter was in her way. And she doubted the soldier wanted all of the customers' attention on her.
"I can't do it alone," Laura added with a weak smile and glistening eyes. "I want you with me."
Carmilla's heart pulled even more. Then, her nostrils flared. "Fuck this counter," she growled before jumping up on the counter, spinning her legs over to the other side and hopping down next to the blonde. Laura watched with furrowed brows.
"Carm, what the hell-" Lips suddenly cut her off; melting her in her place. When the brunette pulled away, hands cupping the soldier's face, Laura slowly opened her eyes.
"Of course I'll do it," Carmilla answered with her dark eyes penetrating through her.
Claps and whistles from the cafe occupants pulled them out of their own little world, as well as Kirsch yelling, "Woo! Get it, Hollis!"
Carmilla sent him a middle finger without removing her gaze from Laura.
The blonde began to smile. "What was the urgent kiss for?"
The brunette smirked. "To be honest, I always want to drop everything I'm doing to make out with you. I just couldn't resist this time."
"How romantic," Laura replied with a grin growing across her lips.
"Isn't that what you wanted, Captain?" Carmilla teased as Laura reached up and pulled on the brunette's black apron, bringing her closer.
"Good to know you can take orders, Miss Karnstein," Laura commented as she stared at her girlfriend's smirking lips. Then, she gave the apron a final tug and captured Carmilla's lips again.
"Gross!" Will yelled as he passed by again.
Carmilla pulled away to glare at his retreating back. "I'm not paying you to watch!"
"I haven't seen a paycheck in forever!" he yelled over his shoulder.
"That's because I have to use the money to replace all the dishes you break!"
Laura rolled her eyes at the siblings before placing her hand on the back of Carmilla's neck and pulling her back in for another kiss. The tension in the brunette's body quickly dissipated.
After a moment, Carmilla hesitantly pulled a hair's width away. She sighed sweetly onto Laura's lips. "I need to stop now, otherwise I'll never get back to work," her raspy voice breathed out.
"You're so responsible," Laura teased with a giggle.
"Why is that still so shocking to you?" Carmilla chuckled. "I'm a mother, remember?"
"Yeah. I also remember you skipping school numerous times and sneaking over to my house, only to spend the day making fun of me because I had laryngitis and couldn't talk."
Carmilla looked at her with a raised eyebrow; a silent pause as they searched each other's eyes. "How did you not know I had a crush on you?"
Laura opened her mouth to respond, but then paused; her eyes drifting to open space as she got lost in thought. "Huh." Her honey eyes moved back to lock with dark ones. The grin on her face causing Carmilla to deflate. "You did like me!"
The cafe owner rolled her eyes.
"You always brought me a candy bar!" Laura playfully hit Carmilla's chest. "How did you manage to make that seem like a jerk thing to do?"
"You hated the nicknames, cupcake. Throwing chocolate at you and calling you sweet pissed you off. Though I can't say I hated seeing you get all riled up. I lived for that."
Laura then frowned. "You don't throw chocolate at me anymore."
Carmilla rolled her eyes and stepped back. "I can't win with you!"
"Go to work!" Laura yelled despite the smile creeping over her face.
"Fine!" Carmilla responded, trying to hide her smile as well. She then leaned in quickly and kissed the soldier's cheek.
"I expect a chocolate bar later," Laura grumbled when Carmilla's lips pecked her cheek. The brunette scoffed and Laura turned to watch the woman walk off as she shook her head.
They had been standing in the hallway for about fifteen minutes. Five feet in front of them stood the door to the study. They had been holding hands since they entered the house. Carmilla let the blonde lead her. They remained in the kitchen at first, preparing a cup of coffee and hot chocolate. Then, they moved to the living room to sit on the couch and watch mindless television. Eventually, Laura pulled Carmilla up off of the couch and silently led her down the hallway.
And that's where they stood now.
Carmilla remained quiet as she tried to watch Laura through the corner of her eye. The grip the soldier had on her hand was impressive, and she was sure she would have to rub circulation back into it later.
Five more minutes passed. Carmilla then took a deep breath and turned her head to finally stare directly at Laura. The blonde's eyebrows were deeply furrowed. Her honey eyes burning a hole through the door. Her jaw set firmly; teeth clenched.
"So... what are we thinking about right now?" Carmilla risked speaking.
Laura exhaled before holding her eyes shut. "I don't know if I can do it."
"You know you don't have to do this, right?" the brunette asked gently. "No one would ever hold this against you."
"I don't want to be afraid anymore," she admitted with her eyes still tightly shut.
Carmilla stared at her silently. The soldier was fighting PTSD everyday. The past is painful to everyone at some point, but this woman was living in fear of it. She was always being reminded; where she lived, or the scars on her body. Laura wanted to be free of at least some reminders. Or at least lessen the pain of them.
"I don't want to have to run away every time another memory gets brought up," the blonde added.
"So what are you trying not to run from right now?"
Laura's eyes finally opened. Her stare remained on the closed study door. "My mother killed herself in that room." Carmilla remained quiet. "I watched it happen," Laura added after a few seconds of silence passed. "She was the first person I ever saw die right in front of me. And she was for damn sure not the last," she continued with a forced swallow. "She was the first person to fire at me too," she added in morbid amusement.
Carmilla watched the woman with rapt attention.
"Most little girls grow up thinking their mom is the strongest woman in the world." Laura cleared her throat as emotions continued to hammer down on her. "She was my role model."
The brunette gave Laura's hand a firm squeeze.
"I wanted to be like her." The soldier tore her gaze away from the door and focused on Carmilla's dark eyes. "But now after everything I've been through," her gaze slid back to the study, "when I see that door," she then locked eyes with Carmilla again. "I can't help thinking that maybe I really will end up exactly like my mother."
"Laura-"
"I can't predict when a flash comes. They've been pretty scarce as of late, but what if something big happens? What if I can't control myself?" Her words were coming out desperately; her anxious voice hoping the brunette would understand. "What if it happens when I'm around someone I care about? What if I try to hurt someone?"
"Laura!" Carmilla interrupted sternly as her hands came up to hold the blonde's face. Tears were falling freely down the soldier's cheeks. Laura took a stuttering breath.
"You are not your mother." Laura sniffed as Carmilla made sure they kept eye contact. "Just because you've gone through similar things, doesn't mean you're going to handle it like she did. And you're right; triggers happen. You can't really predict that. But you can try to heal enough so that they hurt less. Until they finally stop."
Laura smiled sadly. "And in order to heal, I have to go through that door." Carmilla wiped a falling tear away with her thumb. "So, you see? I do have to do this."
"Well I know you can do this. I never questioned that," the brunette added softly with a reassuring smile.
Then, Laura pulled one of Carmilla's hands from her cheek and led her down the rest of the hallway. Her free hand gripped the doorknob firmly, stalling for more courage. When she felt Carmilla squeeze her hand, she took a deep breath and opened the door.
They could see dust go flying as the door opened. The blonde reached for the switch on the wall and hit it; a light flickering on. They walked only two feet in; Laura's gaze glued to the floor a few feet in front of her. Carmilla's eyes swept along the room. Nothing remained of the events that took place in this room. It simply looked like a study that had been long forgotten.
Laura let go of Carmilla's hand and spun slowly to take in the surroundings. She stepped hesitantly toward the door frame they had just walked in through. Her fingers raised and slid along the cracked wood. A hole had split the wood a few inches. Another hole mimicked the first a few inches lower on the frame.
"I never told you what she said to me when I tried to get closer to her," Laura started quietly as she kept her hand against the damaged portion of the frame. "She yelled, 'Leave me alone! Please! I have a family!'" The blonde shook her head with furrowed brows. "She didn't even recognize me. I have no idea what she saw." She spun around to look at the floor again. "And as I begged for her to listen to me, she shot at me."
The first shot her mother had fired hit the door frame. So did the second one. Laura wasn't quite as lucky with the following two shots. Her hand subconsciously raised to hover over the two scars right beneath her shoulder.
"I remember the shock. It was a mix of physical and emotional pain. My mother had just shot me. I couldn't believe it. How is someone supposed to process that?" Laura asked, still in obvious bewilderment. "I crumbled to the floor and looked up at my mother's face. It was full of complete horror. She was terrified. I heard her whimper my name and before I could manage a coherent thought, she held the gun to her head and pulled the trigger."
Carmilla could see the soldier's jaw clenched; her honey eyes glaring at the floorboards. Laura turned to face her girlfriend; her eyes pleading. "How do you protect people from yourself?" She then let out a disgusted chuckle as tears began to well up again. "How do you protect yourself from yourself?"
The brunette closed the distance between them and pulled Laura into a strong embrace. She felt the blonde shake in her arms. The soldier had buried her face into Carmilla's shoulder as the cafe owner held her tightly.
They stood there for a bit. Carmilla running her hands up and down the blonde's back as Laura's breathing evened out with Carmilla's. The soldier eventually pulled back enough to stare up at Carmilla weakly. The brunette ran her thumb across wet cheeks before giving a small smile.
"I think the best way to protect yourself is knowing that you don't have to do it alone."
Laura let out a single chuckle and then sniffed.
Carmilla continued. "You've got a bunch of people that care about you. That's a good thing. Don't make it out to be some sort of burden." The brunette hesitated before speaking. "Don't you wish your mom asked for more help?" she asked delicately.
Laura felt that question slam into her chest. She closed her eyes to prevent more tears and took a deep breath. When she opened her eyes, Carmilla was staring lovingly at her. Every ache she had been feeling within her chest instantly numbed. Instead, her heart pounded eagerly from the sight of Carmilla's shining eyes.
"Does that mean you're gonna protect me?" Laura asked playfully with another sniff.
Carmilla smirked as she tucked a few loose strands of blonde hair behind the soldier's ear. "If you decide to not be stubborn and let me."
The blonde chuckled. "That's fair." She frowned again suddenly. "I just- I don't know how I'd be able to live with myself if something ever happened to my dad, or Livie, or you, because of me."
"Nothing's going to happen," the brunette said confidently.
"You don't know that!"
"Well you don't know something will happen." Carmilla sighed, seeing the soldier's shoulders sag in defeat. "One day at a time, Laura," Carmilla instructed gently. The brunette then smiled sincerely at her. "You might not be able to see it, but I see a huge difference between the woman that walked into my cafe back in December, and the woman standing in front of me right now."
"Yeah, you've seen me naked."
Carmilla chuckled. "True. But you don't look as lost anymore. You've gone through a lot, cupcake. I'm impressed with how far you've come. And it takes a lot to impress me," she added a wink.
"I don't feel like I've come very far."
The brunette shrugged. "You've never been a patient person. You've always looked for quick fixes." Carmilla then chuckled and gestured toward the entirety of the room. "Do you see where we are? And you're gonna tell me you haven't improved?"
Laura took in a deep breath. That was true. She was standing in this room that plagued her for years. But the immediate fright was no longer there. It was just a room. A room holding her saddest memory. But that memory has never only existed in that room. It follows her wherever she goes. The room wasn't the problem. And that revelation was a good first step.
Her eyes landed back on Carmilla and gave her a sad smile. "Thank you."
The brunette smiled back. "Of course."
Laura reached and grabbed her girlfriend's hand. "Let's get back to your place. My dad will probably be home soon." The blonde led them out of the house without another word. They walked silently in the chill of the spring night air.
The soldier continued to look at Carmilla as they walked their way back into town to the cafe. The brunette was lost in serious thought. Her brows were furrowed and the grip she held on Laura's hand gave that away. Finally, the cafe owner spoke.
"After you left, all I wanted to do was run away."
Laura felt a sudden weight fall on her chest. She began to slow down, but Carmilla pulled her along.
"I sat in your hospital room the night your mother..." Her words drifted for a moment. "Your dad was a wreck. I told him I'd watch you while he went to deal with all the formalities." She took deep breath, still not looking at the woman next to her. "I stared at your bandages for hours." She let out a disgusted chuckle. "And it was that moment in the hospital room that I kept thinking of when you told me you enlisted. It was you in that hospital bed that I thought of when you showed up to my house and said good bye."
"Carm..." the soldier said quietly.
"Even after you were long gone, I saw you," Carmilla said simply. "I saw your ten year old self on the playground swings whenever I walked by them. I saw your sixteen year old self in the center of town on a bench with your sketchbook. Your ghosts haunted me everywhere I went in this damn town."
They continued walking. Carmilla didn't think she could admit any of this if she was forced to look at the blonde. "And every time I saw one, I was afraid that maybe that was it; maybe something happened and that's all you were now. Just... a ghost."
The brunette took a deep breath through her nose and then exhaled. "I always wanted out of Silas. You knew that more than anyone." She then let out another chuckle and shook her head. "Yet I couldn't leave. Seeing your ghosts was better than not seeing you at all."
Laura finally pulled hard on Carmilla's hand, causing them to stop. The brunette locked dark eyes with her.
"I didn't even know you came to the hospital that night," Laura said meekly.
"I left before you woke up." She swallowed her nerves. "I'm not gonna run from you, Laura. No matter what, I'm gonna be here for you. I'm not going anywhere."
Laura then pulled Carmilla in and cupped her face, kissing her deeply. The brunette gripped the soldier's hips firmly, pulling them flush together. Then, Laura leaned back to rest their foreheads together. With her eyes shut tightly, she breathed out against Carmilla's lips.
"I love you," the soldier whispered.
In that instant, Carmilla felt her world stand still. Her own heartbeat thumped in her ears. The familiar scent that was so distinctly Laura consumed her nostrils. The warmth of her body set fire to the blood pumping through the brunette's veins.
And when Carmilla recaptured her lips, she held her closer than she had ever held her before.
"I love you too."
Laura's grip on the woman grew tighter from those words. If Carmilla wasn't going anywhere, then Laura wasn't letting go.
When they finally did pull apart, Carmilla reached into her pocket and held something out to Laura; avoiding the blonde's gaze. The soldier looked down and grinned at what rested in the palm of the brunette's hand; a chocolate bar.
"Don't say I never get you anything," the cafe owner grumbled before Laura giggled and threw her arms around Carmilla's neck. She kissed her harder than the brunette expected, knocking her off balance before Carmilla found her footing and grinned back into the kiss.